My Radical Family!

I am Thankful.....

2011-08-16T10:16:00.002-04:00

As cathartic as it was for me to lay out my feelings....I don't want to forget all of the wonderful people and things in my life....Because no matter how depressed I feel, I am truly a blessed person with many WONDERFUL things in my life.

I needed to release the shame and guilt of my depression and it was so very soothing to my soul. I am so glad I did it no matter how hard the journey to write that was....A large majority of my burden has been released. I feel as though, I can live now that I am not saddling myself with my feelings of shame and guilt.

So here are the things I am most thankful for: (in no particular order, just as they come to my brain)

1. My wonderful, kind,patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving, completely fantastic husband, Matt! As I struggle, he carries much of the burden of everything else. Thank you!

2. My beautiful daughters...They have great struggles but they continually work at improving those parts of themselves that they don't like. They move at their own pace but they are always working to move forward. They teach me much about perserverance and being a survivor. Thank you!

3. My parents. They love my children and roll with the punches. It is not easy to watch trauma work itself out so I appreciate the support and love we receive from them.

4. My in-laws. They are willing to help in anyway they can, including, visiting Marie at almost every placement she has been at. They are committed to loving our kids.

5. My Sister. She is the "fun" Aunt and always makes my girls laugh. She is always fun to be around and encourages me to let loose, which is something I need more of.

6. My husband's Aunts. They ALWAYS want to help and support us. Their hugs are very powerful sources of love and support.

7. My friend, Christina. She is my movie buddy, dinner date, and frequent giver of hugs. I don't have many close friendships because I am so guarded. Thank you for being patient and being a great friend!

8. My family that is too large to name person by person. I love you all! We appreciate and love everyone's kindness and love. Family is always a gift to be cherished. Brother in laws, Sister in laws, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, grandparents. You all have a special place in my heart.

9. My nephew, B. When you scream "Auntie" it makes my heart melt in away that only my daughter's can do. I love your hugs and giggles and I love doing silly things that make you laugh, giggle and scream Auntie!

10.My Facebook Friends and Family. I have learned so much from you and truly appreciate your on going support! You mean so much to me!

My list is not all inclusive and there are many others I want to thank personally and I don't have time to make this the longest blog ever....So I hope you know how much you are loved by me! If I know you, I love you! Thank you for being part of my world and my life!

Me, Me, Me

2011-08-14T11:08:00.001-04:00

The last 18 months or so have been ridiculously turbulent. Both girls have had multiple out of home placements and the situation has been beyond stressful on many levels. So for my husband and I to stand here with our relationship in tact, it is a miracle. Raising our daughters has isolated us from our families and friends. I am especially sensitive to the feelings of isolation which lead me to struggles with depression. I often teeter on the edge of a deep depression that I am thankful I have not actually fallen off that edge. I have always had anxiety but as I struggle with the depression, the anxiety seems to worsen.

I know that the isolation that I am experiencing is mostly my own doing. I know that I have hidden myself in the protection of my room and I don't let anyone know how much I am actually struggling. I don't let anyone know the tears that I shed or the pain in my heart or how much this last two years has sucked and none of it is ok with my. That I hate my daughter not living me with me even though I know she needs to be where she is. That it rips me apart to know how sick she really is and that I can't fix it. Because I am her mom and that is my job to fix.

I hate knowing that part of this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have absolutely no control over. People can tell me a hundred million times that if I just change my attitude it will be better and no matter how much I try, I feel as though this is out of my control.

I need reassurance and support but I honestly feel if I were to ask for either, I would look like a drama queen and I don't want to be seen as someone that needs to have my ego stroked. I feel responsible for my daughter's current issues even though I have absolutely nothing to do with that. I feel as though I suck at friendship, family relationships, jobs, everything that I should be good at, I feel as though I have disappointed and destroyed them all.

I also know that none of this is reality. This is what is spiraling in my head while I struggle with depression and anxiety. These are the feelings and the thoughts that have taken root in my head from the extreme stress I have had over the last two years.

I want a hug, I want a friend, I want someone to come help me but I want to show the world that I am strong so no one offers a hug or help because they don't know. I am afraid to let them know I need them. Parenting RAD for eight years has taken its toll on me and I can be prickly but I don't want to be...I want to be the carefree, quick to laugh, friendly, kind, compassionate me that I used to be. But I am not there right now.

I am in therapy and this is not a cry for help. I am not going to hurt myself and I don't feel that I need to be hospitalized. I just felt that I needed to go public with this because it is not something to be ashamed of. I am not the only one with similar struggles and I won't take on the stigma of mental illness. I am an active participant in my own emotional wellness. I love my children and I willing care for them and parent them, I would never in a million years, change that! EVER....

If I can teach anyone anything, it is.....when someone is going through something really crappy and they say they are fine....they aren't...they may not want to tell you the bloody details but they would love a hug or a note in the mail....sometimes they aren't strong enough to ask for help but they still need it. I know we all have junk in our lives but this world is a better place when we take care of each other.

Queen mommy

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPad~

End of The Road

2011-06-22T11:01:00.002-04:00

**** Partial Lyrics of the song~End of the Road by Boyz II Men ***

Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before

Holy Moley! As time goes on...I am getting worse and worse at this blog thing. And it makes no sense because it is something that gives me such joy to do. I love my readers, I love the responses I get...I love the whole BLOG community thing. Through blogging I have met some of the most amazing women. Women, I will meet in the "Real World" March 2012!

You may be wondering why I would post lyrics to a very sad love song on my blog about my children. Simply put, I am mourning the loss of my 17 year old daughter. Don't worry, she is alive (thank God) but her chosen life path is leading her far away from us emotionally and physically.

I don't want to use my blog as a forum to embarrass my children or to smack talk about them. I have poured my lifeblood, my soul, my 200% into raising them to be happy, healthy, safe humans with empathy, morals, and kindness oozing from them. So when you read this, I will never say things that are meant to be cruel or uncaring, this is my reality and I am honest. My honesty can be funny and it can be excrutiating. But in the end it is the truth and it should be seen as an outpouring of my love for my children.

My 17 year old has had a very, very BAD year. She has had multiple run ins with the law which forced us to place her outside of our home. While placed outside of the home, she has continued to exibit behaviors that forced us to place her out of the home and she has run away from every placement. She is currently placed in a Group Home. My husband took her to Court on Monday and after that was finished, she took off from him. She has not resurfaced yet.

My husband and I are in pain and very sad because of all of her poor choices. They are not our choices and we don't own them. She alone is accountable for her choices.

I, personally, have such a sense of loss. I mourn the future she is flying towards, I mourn the loss of the future I once had for her and I mourn the fact that her choices have separated her from us. We are emotionally separated as well as physically. I also angry. Angry that she has taken all of my love and spit in my face. I am angry that she is doing such foolish, dangerous choices. BUT most of all I LOVE HER. I love, love, love her no matter what her choices. No matter how far she runs from me, I am still her mother and I am still going to love her.

I just needed to write this and maybe someone would read it and send us a prayer. Send out a prayer for her. She needs supernatural intervention!

Meanwhile, we will start living our lives again. We will learn to live outside of her drama...I will train myself to not worry so much and live in the moment....

All the while, loving and missing her.

Mother of the Day Award...

2011-04-04T13:59:00.002-04:00

I get this award today. I am awarding this to myself today. I think My daughter will agree that I deserve this today.

Rosie is 13. She has been doing pretty good for a long stretch of months. No placements or ER visits...We have been doing fantastically. Since February she has been amping up her behaviors (yes this does correspond to her sister's arrest and subsequent placement out of the home- this is not lost on me) and she does whatever she can to miss the bus in hopes of getting a "mental health day". Which is a day for her to sit at home and eat bon bons while she watches TV. Yeah well...I deserve that not her....lol...and I ain't getting it so neither is she.

So this morning, she refused to get dressed and had a RADtastic meltdown...Super dupper fun! So she missed the bus and I had to drive her to school. Because they know the family stuff going on, they tend to be lenient with her about her tardies. Well...This is certainly something she is beginning to abuse...SO when I dropped her off at school, I went into the school to remind them of their 5 tardies equals Saturday detention rule. So now Rosie will have a saturday detention....Sometimes, its just how the cookie crumbles....

If looks could kill, I certainly would have won a parenting award when Rosie looked at me in the office this morning....lol

My Kid went Rogue part two

2011-04-01T17:57:00.003-04:00

Two blogs in one day? I deserve a medal or something! I guess it was time to blog again and now I am forced to deal with all of the things that I haven't spoken about in the last year.

I am not sure that I am going to use this post to spill the juicy gossipy details then again I may! I think I am still processing my feelings and that is clearly taking longer than I feel it should. My therapist and I have spent the last couple of weeks processing all of my feelings.

Rosie spent the first six months of 2010 in and out of programs. Her heart and brain were so sick. She couldn't maintain safe behavior more than a week at a time without us bringing her back to another program. Her diagnosis of RAD was always at the front of mind. I knew she was not safe to be in our home BUT I knew I could possibly be doing a lot of damage to her ability to grow a bond with us because she kept being "sent away". My husband and I were very very involved with her care during every single one of her placements. I am know in all of the local programs because one or both of my children have been place in all of them.

Update on Rosie: We have not had to call the Mobile Crisis Unit, go to the ER for a psych evaluation or place her at any facility since she was discharged from her last placement back in June of 2010! She is 13 so I can not say she is perfect! What teen girl is? It is funny the things that we have learned during our time of true bonding. She is funny! I never knew that! She says the funniest things and doesn't even realize it. She is sweet! She is thoughtful! She is helpful! She is truly a joy to parent! She is still mouthy and moody but she is a teenager for goodness sake! All teens are crabby! We have these conversations that blow my mind because a year ago, I would have scoffed at such healing on her part. The three of us have spent so many hours in therapy, shed so many tears, lost so much sleep and we have tasted success! A miracle...A gift!

I think it is during the chaos of the first 3 months of 2010 that Marie started to change. I can't tell you a specific date or event, I am guessing from what has transpired that this is when something changed. She became dark, moody, macabre. By April, I had to have her arrested the first time. The first of many interactions with police, probation and court system. In May she had her first two of the 6 total program placements. At the end of May, she had some sort of psychiatric break and we had another situation that required her to be arrested a second time.

And I am going to take a break tonight. I will continue this tomorrow. As I said, I am still processing much of this last year so I am going to listen to my brain and say goodnight.

Have a good night.....

Queen mommy

My Kid went Rogue, part one

2011-04-01T11:17:00.003-04:00

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night and I heard Jillian say "you just went rogue, dude" and I was like...."that is my kid!" She went rogue. She went off the emotionally healthy grid and spiraled into the abyss that has become our life. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except this isn't a drug induced head trip, it is my life!

I spoke with my daughter yesterday on our car ride to her new therapeutic foster home placement and she knows that I am writing this. She said "Mom, it will be good for you to get this all out of your system. Maybe someone else needs to hear it so they don't feel so bad either"

Yes! I did say therapeutic foster home! I am still not sitting well with it but it has happened and I am learning to accept it and speak about it without wincing in pain or crying uncontrollably. I have spent hours obsessing about how we got to the place where she is living and sharing a life with a complete stranger. Intellectually, I know I am a good mother. I have sacrificed as much as one human can for their child. I have accessed every service one can access to help her. The list of service providers that we are affiliated is long and confuses everyone outside of our family that must try to keep track of it. But no matter how good I am as a mother, Marie has mental health issues. AND contrary to what most people think, no amount of good parenting changes Mental Illness.

I thought once they bonded to us, RAD would quit rearing its ugly head. The lies would be done with, the stealing would stop, the multiple other high risk behaviors would never happen because bonding with me would bolster their self esteem enough that they wouldn't need to experiment. The love my husband and I give them would be the balm that covered their healing scars and it would be strong enough to hold the bad stuff back. But that is not how it has played out.

When a child (in my case, a beautiful 17 year old struggling with RAD and a mood disorder) has been through the trauma of abuse and separation from their biological families, those are wounds that take a lifetime to heal. Sometimes they scab over and it takes very little to rip that scab off and have a gaping hole again.

I thought I was ready to pour out everything that has transpired since my last blog entry but I am not. I need to sit awhile longer. I will be able to soon. I just wanted to let my lovely blog family know, I am still here. I miss you all!

Queen Mommy

Life is good!

2010-07-05T19:36:00.003-04:00

I focus sometimes on the things that are frustrating me. I focus on how hard life is right now. I focus on how others have it easier than me. I focus on friendships that hurt. I focus on family relationships that are lacking. I focus on work issues. I focus on medical issues. I focus on the heat. I focus on RAD. RAD. RAD. RAD. and RAD. Not right now. I am going to share with you the good things in my life.

Sit back and think about those things that are good:

1. I am in good health

2. My husband loves me.

3. My children are alive and physically well.

4. I got to lay in bed and tickle my daughters yesterday.

5. I have ears to listen to the giggles and shrieks of happy children.

6. I have a job.

7. The weather has been soooo beautiful.

8. I love therapy.

9. I have two very special siblings, whom I love very much.

10. I have air conditioning.

11. I have many nieces and nephews to love and hug.

12. I love my husband!

13. I live in the USA. I have many blessings from living in this great country.

14. We have an amazing professional support system.

15. We have a great family support system.

16. I have two adorable cats that love to be spoiled.

17. I have a few truly good friends. My circle is tiny but greatly loved.

18. I love my coworkers.

19. God loves me no matter what mistakes I make.

20. God really loves me! Look at all He has blessed me with!

Good Days

2010-07-05T12:07:00.003-04:00

This has been a long strange ride. I am sitting in my living room watching my almost 13 year old make her own tuna sandwich. To the outside world I am sure this is no big deal but it is HUGE here. When Rosie is emotionally healthy, she can make her own food and be helpful to us. When Rosie is emotionally unhealthy, she breaks down in fits of tears and says we have no food. Today we are having an emotionally healthy day.

Actually, this has been the first holiday in the four years that Rosie has been with us that she didn't have a complete breakdown! It was also the first holiday that both girls have been home with us since last Thanksgiving. At least one of the girls have been in out of home placements for each holiday since last November.

The stress of raising them can sometimes seem oppressive. I long for respite all the time. Yet when they are away, there is a hole in my soul. I am lost without them. I know I have already covered this in a previous blog but it bears repeating. They have become part of my soul. I didn't give birth to them yet they are in my blood.

I know they have needed the time out of the home. I know that everything I have done for both girls has been in their best interest. I still feel guilt sometimes. I still feel as though I somehow failed them because their needs were too big for me. I also know in my head that isn't the case. I can't fail them when I am keeping them safe and making sure their needs are taken care of. I am their mom...I want to fix it all. I want to make the hurt leave.

Marie was home for a visit this weekend. Marie and Rosie were stuck to each other. So very nice to watch and experience. We had a family get together at my parent's house. Both of my siblings were there with their families. It was the first time all of the cousins were together. My nephews and my daughters. Marie enjoyed the teasing my brother gave her. She was the child we have been raising for seven years. She wasn't the troubled child from the last four months. Rosie was quiet and shy but still sweet and cuddly with everyone. It was just a really wonderful time.

And today is still a great day! She is sitting next to me, eating her sandwich, smiling, giggling and being pleasant to be around. A very healthy day.

May you also have a healthy day!

Choosing My Family

2010-06-14T21:47:00.003-04:00

We are counting down the days till Rosie comes home.....We are at like 3 days! 3 days! Gazooks!

I am excited! She has been out of the home for five plus months. I miss cuddling with her. She has always been my cuddle monkey! I am hopeful that her time away from us was not wasted. I am hopeful that she realizes that life has more to offer her than the misery of her past. I love her. She is my child, I simply love her. I love her for who she is with all of her promise and her many struggles. All of the good and bad make her the special child she is!

I am indifferent. She has been gone a long time and it has been quiet while she has been gone. I am apprehensive because she is still the same person. No matter the length of time she has been gone....she still has the same personality. Some things are ingrained. I have fear because those primal wounds are not healed yet. There is still the fear of her cutting words and her violent outbursts.

So I sit here trying to reconcile all of my feelings. I go through times where I second guess myself. Other times I make deals with myself in my mind. I scold myself for the not so fuzzy feeling feelings and I scold myself for the very fuzzy feelings. I mean what kind of mother dreads the return of her little girl? And what kind of bafoon is excited about the return of their captor?

The mother of a RADling is who!

These thoughts keep me awake at night. I spend my time to and from work reliving every moment and every conversation we have had. I review the reports in my mind. I know the facts back and forth. I know the prognosis and I know what we are up against.

So once again we welcome her home, praying for the best but realizing that we must temper our excitement with realism. She will have to practice her new skills over and over again. She will mess up. I anticipate she will mess up lots and lots in the first several weeks or months. But I still have Hope and Faith!

Tonight, I am praying that God touch her heart and help her to melt her frozen heart. It is time for Rosie to heal! May God help her to realize that she is ready to heal. She is safe and loved, now it is her turn!

Have a Great Night!

A Day in The Life.....

2010-06-12T19:26:00.002-04:00

So A LOT has gone down since my last blog entry. Sorry for being so lax but if you knew what had been going on...You would sooooooo forgive me!

Rosie had been in and out of psych facilities since Christmas so we decided at the end of April we needed to open a voluntary case with DCF. It was certainly not our first choice and we were quite apprehensive about doing it but Rosie needed to have one, stable out of home placement with testing. She was placed in a program and testing was done. Wham Bam and 45 days later she is ready to be released.

Marie has struggled since her Psychiatrist began to change her meds back in March. She has really struggled behaviorally with multiple issues at home and at school. In fact, we have had to be involved with the court system, too. Two weeks ago she and I had an issue and she was placed in a program to adjust her meds and complete an assessment.

I never imagined a world where DCF was my friend. I have been completely impressed with their sensitivity and ability to assist us get our children stabilized.

I have been depressed. I have been lost. It seems as though it would be ridiculous that for me to be depressed. I mean...How many times have you heard me bellyache because I had to deal with their issues. I have for two weeks with no children to tend to, no children wreaking havoc on my life, no children hurting my heart and I am heartsick.

I am depressed and traumatized. The reality is, I need them. I LOVE being their mother. I love them! I love their laughter, I love their hugs, I love their whispers in the backseat, I love having them home. I love smelling their hair when we snuggle, I love hearing them yell "mooooooommmmmmmyyyyy"

I started therapy this week. She told me I need to spend some time each day doing something I love. I love doing this! I love to read blogs and be part of the blogging community. So I want to take this moment to Thank all of my Blog Sisters out there! Thank you for sharing your lives with me!

I also want to send a special thank you to my sis and my friends, Jess and C. My sister for loving me. To J for faithfully calling me and checking up on me every single day that I have been struggling. Thank you C for taking me out Friday night. I have been in such a funk and I appreciate you knowing exactly what I needed. Thanks to My parents for hugging me when I needed a hug more than anything else you could have done. Amy, Ali, and Lynne for being awesome RAD moms that I know I can share stuff with and you won't judge me.

If you know someone is struggling, support them! Text them, call them, email them, hug them, just love them. You have the power to make the difference in their lives!

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-08T19:08:00.003-04:00

When I was a teenager and a young adult, the only thing I wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted to have a house full of children. I wanted to sit and hold my babies for hours. I wanted to clean dirty faces and pick up toys and tickle little bellies.

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It has a spectrum of issues associated with it. One of them is Infertility. It was difficult to hear this when I was still so young. I was fairly devastated by this. A shaping moment in my life.

I never thought I would find someone to love me if they knew from the outset that I wouldn't give them children. Beyond the naive assumptions I had when I was nineteen, I knew God would make a path. Side note....Marie was in her birthmom's belly while this was happening to me. My path was made well before I knew!

On my first date with my husband I said to him " I can't have children, I plan on adopting....If that isn't anything you are interested in...This date is over" Honestly, why he didn't get up and leave is beyond me! Here we are ten years later.

Fast Forward Ten Years.....

Here I sit with two children that are in out of home placements. I have two children with significant mental health issues.I have two children that are confused and have a difficult time accepting love from us.

I have been parenting two RADlings for 7 years. I would say I have learned alot from parenting my girls. I have also experienced some pretty harsh realities. I have laughed with my girls and I have shed tears with them. I have also had 6 really stinky Mother's days. Holidays in general stink but Mother's Day is particulary heinous. It is a day that is set aside to be mean to me. We have canceled it most years but still have had the same difficulties.

My little, Rosie, has been in out of home placements for 3.5 months. She should be gone at least another 45 days. Marie was placed in a locked unit last week after her behaviors began to escalate. This week has been a very interesting week. Although, I have had a ridiculous two months so this week is no different I guess.

My daughters have requested that I not discuss much that has happened but believe me when I say...Much more interesting than any Lifetime movie!

I cried when my Marie was placed in a facility. I said to my husband that I didn't know what I would do with them away from home on Mother's Day...and his response..."you are going to enjoy yourself!"

Today is the day before Mother's Day. We traveled to see both of our children. They are placed in facilities an hour away from each other. We decided not to say anything to the girls about Mother's Day. I mean, I didn't need drama to enjoy my day. Well to my wonderful surprise....My beautiful girls gave me cards and big hugs! No prompting...no discussions...no begging....Hugs and tears and kisses and more hugs....

This year, I have had the best....the very best Mother's Day. Two girls that told me they hope I get the rest I deserve. This year I got to be a mommy...not the mom of a RADling, not the mom of a kid in a placement....not the mom of a kid that ruined my day....Today I was the mom of two girls that wanted to celebrate me as their mommy!

I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day!

Five Lessons.

2010-04-17T22:21:00.002-04:00

I didn't start out with the desire to parent one special needs child...let alone two. I thought I had all of the answers many times along the way and then things would come to crash in my face and I realized that I knew very little. I have learned many lessons in this 7 year journey. I have lived much pain and heartache but also I have felt even more love and joy in this journey.

I have been asked, many times, if I would do this again. And there have been times that I have said no or no way. I have grown immensely as of late and I have now concluded that I would do this again.....OVER and OVER again. I love my children and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Their struggles are painful for all of us but the happiness along the way makes the pain more bearable.

Rosie is in a short term facility for "complications" of her RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) This is actually her fourth out of home placement since December. The constant stress has put a strain on all of us.

Marie has also been having her own struggles. Their energy seems to suck the other in to the tsunami of drama. It has become disabling for me. I was consumed in the drama. I also wanted to escape. I couldn't deal with the stress.

About three weeks ago I read something a therapist told a mother of a child with Borderline Personality Disorder and it changed my life. It has given me back my life in ways I can't even begin to explain.( it will be number one on my list)

It made me begin to reflect on the many lessons I have learned through parenting special needs kids. I wanted to share the five best lessons I have learned. I don't necessarily think this only pertains to special needs moms...Some of these are universal...Some aren't

My Five Lessons:

1. "Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster" I can not tell you the original author of these words but I am not trademarking them or using them as my own so I think I am good. This has totally changed my life. It is such a simple concept but so hard to do. I have learned that I can love, support and help my child without becoming part of their emotional roller coaster. My feet need to be firmly planted on the ground to be of any help to my child. It also frees you from the emotional torment that our children can try to inflict upon us. If we aren't on the ride, we can't get hurt. Try it....Amazing freedom..Joy in the journey.

2. "Someone else always has it worse" Kind of a lame one but true. It is easy to become "stuck" in the drama of our own lives and to feel as if "no one could possibly know how much my life sucks" No they don't know but their life could suck worse. AND more importantly, there is always happiness to be had....we need to spend our time finding the good and not dwelling on the bad.

3. "It wasn't as bad as I thought" My older daughter is very, very impulsive. She is our "runner" So she has pseudo run away several times. She usually runs to the police station or a specific friend. I always know where she goes. I thought that getting the call from the Police Station would be the end of it. I would die of embarrassment. It wasn't the end of the world. Not super fun but I didn't die! I learned a lot about something called Perspective. I am learning to take everything in stride and keep going....It is never as bad as you think it will be. You can survive!

4. "I am a Great Mother" I have to cut myself some slack. My kids aren't perfect and neither am I. They are alive, still in school, and healthy....I am doing A LOT right. Every professional that has worked with our family says that this is one of the most loving families they have met and that as much dysfunction as there is...the unit itself is loving and strong. My husband and I are doing lots right. I need to remember that when the kids are crashing, take a deep breath and keep going.

5. "This too shall pass" We have had one heck of a ride the last four months. I feel as though we have lived two lifetimes in this short amount of time. There have been many moments that I thought I wouldn't be able to go on, many moments when I was sure we were done and ready to quit....but we are still together and in tact as a family. Life has ups and downs. Holding on and finding hope along the way....keeps you going so the ups make the downs less intolerable.

Kids teach us so many lessons. When you become a parent you think of all the things you have to teach them before you say goodbye when they are 18....never realizing the thousands of lessons those little miracles will teach you. I have many many more lessons to share...My ideas are overflowing and my heart is full again. I hope to reignite my blog entries now that I am hopeful and upbeat again.

May you find joy in your journey, too!

Dreaming....

2010-03-17T14:44:00.002-04:00

The weather is awesome today....The sky is blue...the wind is soft and air is warm....Love these days...I want to take a blanket and lay in the grass (the ground is still muddy from the rain) and just dream...

Auto-pilot

2010-03-12T10:58:00.002-05:00

I have been parenting children (was one child for a while) for seven years. I have been parenting mental illness of seven years now. I have been choking back my own trauma from parenting trauma for seven years now. I have gained about thirty five pounds from parenting trauma and mental illness for seven years now. I have also gained anxiety and PTSD from parenting trauma and mental illness for seven years.

Both of my children have mental illness. I LOVE MY CHILDREN! It is my reality. It is not a reality I knew would be mine, but I lovingly chose to raise my children. I may have been naive to the truly monumental job I was taking on BUT I chose it none the less. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. I don't want people to give me those looks of pity that I am put upon. I am not put upon. I chose my children. My husband and chose to love these children and to give them a chance to flourish with our love. Except, Love isn't enough. Love is not all that you need to help these children.

I was meeting with someone on my daughter, Rosie's team and she said I have blocked myself off. I am dismissive of my own feeling and that I have closed myself off from everyone in the world. She said it is as if I have no affect. I have no reaction to anything. I am doing what I have to do to get through my day, superficially engaging with all of those around me. WOW! I have RAD! It was sobering to realize I have taken on so many of those things from my children.

Of course, this isn't their fault. I don't believe this is on them at all. They are victims themselves. We have now all become victims of their trauma, abuse, neglect and mental illness.

I feel as though I have no support system. I feel as though I am completely isolated from the human race. I feel judged at every turn. I don't trust anyone. I am suspect of everyone around me. I don't even cry anymore. I laugh and make everything a joke. I won't allow anyone to have empathy for me. I won't let anyone close to me. I am so very quick to attack and so very quick to shut them out. I hadn't thought about this ever! This woman has opened my eyes to my own behaviors. I have always blamed their trauma, their mental illness...that was why I am alone in the world.

In reality that is not the case. I don't have a support system right now...but it is because I have alienated them. I have become so hardened and so immune to love and support that I don't feel it. I am afraid to let them in. I can see where I stopped them in their tracks. I am trying to fix this with my loved ones but sometimes those relationships are hard to mend. I am still full of my own hurt and pain...I am not able to reach out, though I know it is mine to do.

I want so badly for someone to come to my house and hug me....Tell me it will be ok and that they love me no matter what. That I matter. And yet...I don't know how to reach out for that. I am hurting so badly inside yet I don't allow myself to feel it. I want the world to see I can handle it all...when I can't.

I said all of this to say....sometimes things don't appear as they seem. People can be hurting so much when they seem so strong. Allow someone a second, third, twentieth chance. Love them wholly and unconditionally...and if you can...go to the person's home and give them a hug....They don't need their life to be fixed, and they don't need pity....they just need to know...They aren't alone and that they are loved....So love them. Hug them tight!

Have a grace and blessing filled day!

Queen Mommy

Build A Bridge.....and Get over it!

2010-03-02T14:26:00.003-05:00

Many people have wronged me in my lifetime. I am sure everyone has had countless people that have wronged them. I would have to say I have matured to the point that I have gotten over most of the crap from my past. I have done alot of therapy work through my children's therapy to free myself to get past things.

I am not perfect and nor do I do it because I am a saint or that the person deserves forgiveness. I forgive and move past this stuff because it is my soul that is destroyed. I am the person that becomes controlled by anger and hatred and I am the toxic person.

With both children having extensive trauma histories, there is alot of built up anger and unforgiveness. Granted in this case, they don't deserve any forgiveness. I spend a great deal of time processing this and teaching the girls to forgive. They don't forgive for the benefit of the other person, they must forgive for their own lives to take flight. Forgiving people frees us of our bitterness and our anger. Our lives become better. Happier....without being attached to the past in a negative way.

Teaching your children to forgive is a hard task. We teach by our example. We have to live our lives with forgiveness to teach it to our children. It can sometimes be hard because we become invested in our anger. We obsess about how unfair it is to be treated that way and that it is unacceptable to be treated in such away. But still we must forgive.

Forgiveness doesn't take the person off the hook. You must use common sense. If someone stabs you in the back or does something awful to you, it doesn't mean you keep going back for more. You aren't obligated to pretend that it didn't happen and you should never forget. If we forget...we may end up in another situation.

I choose to forgive all who have hurt me. I live a much happier life when I am free from the ropes that bind me in anger and bitterness. It takes practice and it isn't always easy but it is always been the best thing I can do. I see that as I live my life this way, my children also become more forgiving and they are able to sort through the past hurts that they have. Which brings them to healing.

I hope that we all can learn to forgive and teach our children this very powerful and amazing gift. It is a life lesson that everyone benefits from.

Please be well!

Love your Boner!

2010-02-26T11:55:00.002-05:00

Did that get your attention? I knew it would...It took me a long time to think of it but I knew at least one person would say...."What the ??????" AND get your mind out of the gutter.....

I haven't followed the career of or the lack of a career that Andrew Koenig had. My only reference point for him is that he played Boner on Growing Pains and I loved that show. He was a great character and oh so very loveable in an idiot type of way. I never thought of him a single second after that show left the air until last week when I found out he was missing....and then watched as his parents announced that he had ended his own life.

But his family knew him and his friends knew him. AND they loved him. He suffered from depression. It sounds as if he struggled greatly and didn't see beyond his despair. It is so heartbreaking to me. And it is a fear that I harbor deep down inside of me for my own children.

Both of my daughters struggle daily with mental illness. I often make light of it so that I can rid myself of the heaviness I often bear as I parent them. Their hidden wounds so deep that no one sees the true damage that they carry. And my heart aches for them daily. My tears are full of sadness and fear as I contemplate their paths.

Mr. Koenig was very eloquent during his press conference. I am not quoting him directly because I don't remember his exact words but he said something to the effect that we should not take for granted our opportunities to support people with mental illness. They need to know they are not alone. They need to know they are loved.

It sounds so simple doesn't it? But often people with mental illness make it extremely difficult to love them. They are very high maintenance, they love chaos and they can be very toxic to be around. They are so caught up in what is going on in their minds that they find everything else to be lost. And they need to know that it isn't...there is always a light.

So really, my message for you today is to love on your Boner and love on your Mr. and Mrs. Koenig....They need you to remember them....send them a card...call them up and listen to them ramble ....take them out for coffee....they just need to know you are there and love them.

It isn't going to solve the issue.... But knowing there are others to share the burden can be more helpful than you will ever know!

Love you all!

Queen Mommy

PS....these are my oppinions only....no one else...so relax and just think about it!

Revenge

2010-01-04T13:07:00.002-05:00

I like to think that I am a good mother...I am patient, nurturing, forgiving and loving to my girls. I don't get back at them or allow myself to get so caught up in my anger that I hold onto things. I am always able to get over things quickly and without retaliation.

I just had a moment of sweet revenge. I even high fived myself even though I know there will be definite consequences with Rosie when she realizes what I have done. Yet I still feel a glorious sense of victory. You may find this juvenile so please don't read on if you can't share my sense of joy.....

We were not successful in appealing to the insurance to keep her at her treatment facility for any more time. She will be coming home tonight, despite all of our misgivings about this. The therapist at the facility tried to add time but the fact that she is accomplishing all of her goals there and the issue is with the home setting...the insurance declines a longer stay. So that is that. Last week, prior to the failed home visit, we discussed her going back to school on wed or thurs. So she had a few days to chill out.

She hates school and would rather put it off for another two weeks but she was ok with end of the week. Well after the failed home visit...I contacted the school and she is going back to school tomorrow. She will punish me for this...I know she will....But I felt such victory in something so dumb...Sending her to school...lol...i suppose if she would get with the program, I would be more lenient with her about this...But what has this gotten me with her. Her perception is that I am weak and she can control me....Which isn't the case but it makes life suck...So today....my revenge is sending her back to reality all at once. We know we will be punished for sending her there and for not giving her a party for returning and for making her do chores again....so might as well also get the going back to school punishment done at the same time, right?

These are the little things that get me through. It is a tough road parenting a child that has no inclination, at this point, in investing in our family. She spends all of her time causing chaos and hurt. My little tornado of pain. I know what is behind this, the pain and fear, but sometimes....it gets so bad that I no longer can see that...All I see is my frustration....

I got my two weeks of quiet...Back to reality now!

I DON'T HAVE A TOPIC FOR THIS BLOG!

2010-01-03T21:51:00.004-05:00

So my one and only New Year's Resolution was to write on my blog....Failed already! We are already three days into the new year!

I actually have been debating on whether to share what we are currently going through. Somehow having a child with mental illness or emotional disturbance brings stigma. Well meaning people give you that "poor you" look and pity you. I know they mean well and I know that they mean absolutely no harm by it...But the looks are there none the less.

My youngest daughter is emotionally disturbed. She has RAD on steroids. She completely shuts down in the family setting. It seems to us that she sabotages herself and us constantly. It is frustrating to the rest of us and it is also heartbreaking. I struggle with picking her up and hugging her tightly and just wishing I could wring her neck. I would never in a million years hurt her and I feel quite guilty for the feeling but sometimes....sometimes it is enough already!

Rosie was unable to follow any type of directions and her aggression was out of control. We tried many different things to stabilize her and we were unsuccessful. We finally had to decide to place her in a treatment facility for adolescent girls. At first, I was so relieved because I was getting a break. I could breathe and let my defenses down. Then after I enjoyed it for the first day...I became full of guilt. I felt guilty that I sent her away...I felt guilty that I couldn't "fix it" ...I felt guilty that my daughter wouldn't be with us to celebrate Christmas.

Fast forward two weeks later. She seemed to make progress, she seemed to be ready to be back in the family setting and ready to move forward. We were scheduled to have Rosie for an overnight visit prior to her being released on January 4, 2010. I should have been tipped off the moment she got in our car that she was up to something. She gave me a hard to time about her seat belt. It continually went downhill. She didn't have a full blow out until it was time to shower. Which was one of the big problems before she was placed. Well after that, it was downhill. Her behavior continued to deteriorate until the moment we got her back to the program...She apologized profusely and said she was looking forward to coming home....All I could think was....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Soooo...tomorrow is the Big Day. She may or may not come home tomorrow. I blew out my ear drum yesterday so I am personally hoping that she is determined unready to come home till mid to late week but I have to follow insurance directives...If you are one who believes in prayers...asking, once again, to remember my family in your prayers.

I so desperately want to have things go smoothly. I want the beast within her to quiet itself and for her to have peace in her mind. We need her to have peace to heal....

More later as things progress!

Wishing you a very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year....

Thankfulness

2009-11-18T18:57:00.002-05:00

I have just really struggled to get back into a groove with my blog. It isn't that I have nothing to write or the time to write. I just find that I struggle with doing it. It is like many things. I know I will love it once I get going but sometimes I just can't get going.

I would love to tell you that I have the perfect life. I would love to say that my kids are attached and I no longer need the solace of my blog or my blog family. I love you all out there!

My youngest daughter, Rosie, is such a challenge. I was watching a Nancy Thomas video last night. She was describing RAD symptoms. It was so her! lol...come on now! When I hear someone else describe their kids behaviors, I say "yes!!!! yes!!!! that is my kid!" I do have to concede that some of her issues are really part of her temperament. Both my husband and I have really spent a lot of time accepting and coming to terms with this! There are certain things about her that aren't going to change. I love her with her flaws. BUT believe me RAD is still in the mix and it isn't a fun mix!

My oldest, Marie, is going through some pretty heavy stuff right now. She is having some flashbacks of past trauma and it is really shaking her to the core. She is in complete dysregulation right now. My husband and I spend a lot of "external regulation" She responds well to this, usually. I am praying that when she has her EMDR next tues, it will give her the gift of peace of mind.

I really wanted to talk about what I am thankful for. I think sometimes I get stuck in the bad part of raising my girls that I forget all the wonderful things that they have brought to my life. They are beautiful, smart, and fabulous. I truly Thankful to God for them. They were the children that I was meant to parent. I remember the time I dealt with infertility and the emotional hardship that brought into my life. God made a way for me to be a mommy. and for that I am truly THANKFUL!

I am thankful for their special needs. We have learned many lessons. I have learned so much about resiliency and the power of the Human Spirit. I have learned about my own strength and been the gift of a strong marriage. I have also been taught much about empathy. I had no real experience with children with mental illness before. Actually anyone with mental illness. I had many misdirected assumptions. My children blew them away and they have made me a better person. They make me want to be an even better person!

I am thankful for their laughter and their hugs! I love their hugs! I am thankful for giggles and dancing and out of tune singing. I am thankful for the thousands of times a day they say "MOMMY", even though sometimes I wish they would be quiet! I am thankful for the many little things they do for me. I am thankful that they complete my family.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I wanted to let everyone know how blessed I truly am!

Love, ME

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

2009-10-14T12:10:00.003-04:00

I am pretty sure the only parenting book I am ever going to be qualified to write will be called : "What Not To Do As A Parent: A pathetic attempt to parent" by Queen Mommy. I am half serious but hopefully someone out there in this blogosphere can relate. Every turn seems to be a mistake....oops "an opportunity to learn". It doesn't feel like an opportunity for me to learn.....It feels like I am a complete failure.

Rosie will be Rosie. Always and forever my greatest CHALLENGE. There is never a dull day with her. Even when she is gone until 8pm with some one else...she comes home and it is go time again. BUT lucky for all of you...I am blogging about Marie!

Marie has been completely and totally emotionally disregulated. Doesn't that sound cool. It a phrase I have learned from the countless therapeutic people I have been around lately. I just love saying it.....It is a fancy way of saying she doesn't have the ability to get herself back into safe space..She can't regulate herself. It means lots of attitude, screaming, confrontation, nasty words, and crying...so much crying. And that is just me...hahaha...just kidding....

She is reliving and trying to process her past trauma. She has a teacher that somehow triggers a very bad trauma response. The woman is a drill sargent and also for some reason reminds my daughter of a past caretaker...who did not take care of her properly....The interactions between the two of them are never good. My daughter isn't dealing well with the situation and is completely falling apart in every part of her life. We are slowly working through all of this.

Her therapist has reminded her that your mind brings stuff back to the surface when it is ready to heal. So as hard as it is...what is happening is a good thing. We are making progress......slowly but steadily.

Asking for prayers for Marie....She is going through a tough time. It is part of what makes her the amazing survivor that she is! Asking for prayers for my husband and I, too. We have had a really tough week and this next week seems to be just as much of a bumpy ride....

Thinking and praying for all of you, too!

Love,

Queen Mommy

Wishing My Life Away.

2009-08-28T14:06:00.002-04:00

Hmmmmm....((( long sigh))) I am ashamed to say this but I wish most of my life away. I want to be the one that siezes every opportunity I have to have every experience I can possibly have but I am not that person.

I used to be the person that was always up for an adventure....I didn't plan the adventures but I was always willing to try new things. I loved going out and hanging with my friends. I hated being home alone and without something to do.

Then I became a parent. A parent of RADlings....And it seems as though this has all changed. And I don't by any stretch mean this negatively. In some respects it feels negative but it isn't a negative thing. I love, love, love, love my children. I would never, ever trade them in for the world. (although sometimes I do have a daydream about doing just that) But my life has been completely and utterly changed by my children.

I am richly blessed with my family. I have been taught many lessons by my children. Lessons many adults never learn. I have learned a higher level of compassion. I have learned that I am so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that there are so many things that seem unsurmountable, that really in the grand scheme of life, are really simply little blips on our paths. I have learned that parenting isn't easy. It is a full contact, time consuming, heart breaking, honorable, and unimaginably rewarding FULL TIME job. I have learned the unconditional love is the only type of love that I can give my children. I have learned that God had a greater purpose for my life than wealth and status. (and no there is nothing wrong with either of those things. Both are wonderful to have...though not on my path) I have learned that I am a great mother!

I have also learned that abuse sucks! Abuse can infiltrate every aspect of not just the abused person's life but the lives of those that love them. I have learned that neglect is just as a powerful. I have learned that matching socks are funny not embarassing. I have learned that my daughter's like to mess with adults that feel that they must always correct them. I have learned life isn't black and white. I have learned that I can still love someone who doesn't love me. I can forgive and forgive and forgive and love and love and love still. (remind you of anyone?)

what does this have to anything?

Not sure...Oh yes....Wishing....Hoping and Dreaming....

Raising Radlings is an adventure. It is also time consuming and everything changes on a dime. You can be on cloud 9 and three seconds later....you feel the heat of Hell near you.

In January, I wish for February. Before Holidays I wish for after Holidays. Before Birthays I wish for after Birthdays. School ends and I am ready for the second week already....See my pattern?

I am always wishing for the Quiet, Peaceful times to come. I am learning a new lesson now. Stop wishing life away.

I accept life with all of its bumps and bruises. I want to allow myself the ability to embrace the here and now....No more wishing it away...Just living my life... Am I making sense?

I think I meandered to far today in the blog BUT no more wishes...

Dreaming of peace and harmony!

K

And Away we go......

2009-08-11T13:46:00.002-04:00

It is has been a very eventful summer. I can't really just pick one thing that has made it this way but it seems like one thing after another has happened. Some good and some bad. Some just plain interesting!

Yesterday was my little monkey's birthday. She was still asleep around 8 am and my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number but it was a Rhode Island number. I figured it was the number of someone I know....I picked it up and it was Monkey's Birth mom. I was stunned. Not so much because she called my cell phone, I had given her that number, but more so because she has always been so passive and ambivalent about contact with us.

The last conversation we had was quite disappointing. She seemed to try to gain power in the situation and was resistant to acknowledge that Rosie had any reason to have the issues she had. Which made me rethink my firm belief that in the appropriate situation birth family contact is positive.

After speaking with her yesterday, I was encouraged. We spoke quite in depth. We spoke about my little monkey's history. I was able to clear up some of my questions. She also agreed to spend time attending Rosie's therapy with us so that we can really help Rosie understand that this is her home and that her birthmother loves her but we are her parents. It was a freedom moment for me. To know that she understood and didn't hate me. Must sound silly to some people that I care what she thinks. But I do. I always have. It is her oppinion that matters most to my daughter. So if I have her approval....I begin to hope that my daughter will gain freedom of some sort. The Freedom to release herself from her fantasies.

Then my older Sweet pea overheard me speaking to my hubby about the phone call and she announced she too needed phone contact with her birth mom. What the heck right? One down, one to go.

As an aside. And for a clearing point. Neither Birthmothers abused these children. They were permissive in their parenting and they were addicts but neither were dangerous to their children. They made monumentally horrible decisions but in their own way, they loved their children. I don't feel that it is dangerous for these relationships. My daughters need to know the truth about their pasts to rise above them. All contact is heavily monitored by me and run by a therapist.

So we call her and have an amazing conversation with her also. She has moved and gotten herself out of a potentially dangerous relationship. I was so proud of her for being able to do something in her own best interest.

Both of these women are making strides towards healthy, fullfilling lives. And this can only benefit my children as they continue to try to figure out where their place in this world is.

So here we are, embarking on another adventure. Adoption brings so many challenges but also, so much hope for the future.

I wish you an adventurous day!

Be Well....

K

Trauma, Trauma GO AWAY!

2009-07-28T13:47:00.004-04:00

I am going to tread very lightly on this subject and I am going to spare my daughter the pain of sharing anything to personal. Trauma is very much a part of my daughter's history. Both children. In our house, we do not refer to them as victims but as survivors because they have survived it! We don't allow our children the crutch of victimhood. It is a poison and toxic entity that "thing" called victimhood.

That isn't to say that we don't mourn for the innocence lost. It doesn't mean we don't kiss their emotional boo boos and help them process what they remember. We go to therapy......constantly....We have structure and we have boundaries. We have a safe home and we are proactive with everything we do with our children. But sometimes....the Trauma is more powerful. The memories haunt them like an evil entity within their minds. They somehow become held captive inside their own minds.

My youngest child breaks my heart daily. I have at length discussed the heartache that she brings with her. She is so beholden to her Trauma, Anger, and Shame that she has totally disassociated herself from certain parts of reality. The "reality" she can handle is hugs, cuddles and freedom. The "reality" that she refuses is love, family, trust, safety, peace and rules.

The problem becomes what comes of this? Where does this land us? We have an older daughter that has squashed her "demons". She is no longer beholden to the Shame and Anger from her Trauma....She has begun to blossom into a beautiful young woman. She stumbles...And her stumbles are big...BUT they are still just stumbles. We get up and move on. My younger daughter....may never be to that place. Where is that line drawn? When is it too much for one family to handle?

Obviously, we love her. Who in their right mind would go through this nightmare without loving her and being fully engaged in her healing. But it wears on me. It is wearing on me now. I am very frustrated. I have been for months now. I am now in my own pattern of shame and guilt. I become ashamed and feel very guilty when I get angry with her. I think I could be a better mother...I could do things better in some other parallel universe OR if I were more patient or more kind or more loving or more of this or more of that! Which really isn't logical! My husband and I are the best parents that we can possibly be. And I am very proud of the job we are doing.

I find that is what I struggle most with. I feel that being the best parent I can be isn't enough. So much of their healing is out of my control. It is within their control. They have to get to the right place emotionally that they can heal. Sometimes, that is slow. I want to just all of their hurt and pain and erase it from their brain. I wish I could take the pacer magnet at work and rub it on their heads....It could erase all the bad stuff and leave the great stuff.

Of course, that isn't happening. Their past is part of who they are. For the bad and for the good. My kids are survivors. My kids, I surmise, could survive almost anything. They have had to learn this skill..which isn't a negative skill....It is really an amazing gift our children have been given.

I am raising my survivors to know they are survivors....I pray that they realize this so that they will be able to allow themselves to heal.

I haven't written in so long...I have much to tell you....Miss you....I hope you haven't forgotten me!

Be Well!

Queen Mommy

Mommy..exactly when did you go to Doctor College?

2009-07-22T16:30:00.004-04:00

I am going to tell you a long hidden secret....I am a know it all. Yes, I know you can't tell from my blog but I am a smarty pants know it all. So are my beautiful, strong, outspoken daughters. Older people frequently say that your children are payback for what you did to your own parents. Well, in many areas of their behavior, I would have to say I got mixed up with someone else. I should have the polite, well mannered, not farting and burping, not swearing, lying, manipulating kids. But God gave the opposite to me...... Then they use their mouth. They say something really funny, snarky, biting or generally smart pants like and I realize this is totally payback for the way I was with my parents!

So sometimes I daydream about what will be exacted on my daughters by their children...I smile and laugh aloud, then I decide....they don't need this crap! No one does!

One of my daughters is very insecure and needy. She always needs you to stroke her ego. It is a full time job to make her feel loved. I think I do a terrible job with it. She frustrates me beyond belief at how high maintenance she is. I love her, I do things all day everyday to show her I love her and yet it is never enough. She is a black hole that sucks everything around her into the whirling chaos of her mind.

She used to be a puker. She would puke to gain sympathy. It didn't work for very long, so then she faked illness. Headaches, tummy aches, toe aches, thigh pain. You name it she faked it. Then this summer she has taken a drastic turn to real injuries. She got cellulitis from a bug bite. She was put on an antibiotic and told not to scratch again. A week later she "fell" and came home from camp all scraped up. A week later she sat in front of me and scratched her leg so badly that she once again landed at the doctor's with cellulitis. Then last week she came home limping AGAIN.

I looked at her ankle. There was no laceration, no bruising, no swelling, nothing. Yet her limp persisted. Sometimes she is so committed to her story that she begins to make me doubt myself. Yes, she is that gooooood! I hugged her and told her she was ok but if it really hurt, to put ice on it and put it up on the couch. She was happy with that for ten minutes until she was bored. She complained again and I reassured her that she was ok. Then she said it.....

" Mommy, ummmmmm, exactly when did you go to Doctor College?"

Now, I know you are all going to sit in judgement of me. This isn't exactly the most therapeutic conversation to ever go down....But at that moment, after HOURS of hearing this same junk about the ankle...

"um and where did you get yours , Ms Smarty pants?"

She rolled her eyes and I went on to say other useless stuff....Neither her or I could remember if we tried.

I am not sure what upset me more was her smart mouth OR how unbelievably clever that was. The fact that she came up with that so fast is actually amazing...I couldn't come up with a response...all I had was "nanny nanny boo boo"

I am afraid for the future...She will be merciless and I will have to be on my toes....
Matt and I never wanted "dumb" kids but now I am not sure I really want smart ones either....lol

Be Well....

Baby, My Baby!

2009-07-20T13:23:00.006-04:00

My sister is pregnant. Around 30 weeks. It is a very exciting time for our family. We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new little munchkin. I am so happy for her and my brother in law. They are going to be great parents. This child is coming into a wonderful family with lots of extended family to spoil him.

My sister was over at our house on Saturday night. We had girl time. It was nice to have her all to myself. Which is a rarity. I have my own family and obligations, as she does. I was always her little mother hen growing up. She slept in my bed with me, played dolls with me and I even stayed home with her when she was sick. As much as I thought I hated it...I have to admit I loved that she depended on me so greatly. Secretly I may even wish she still needed me.

AND that has absolutely nothing to do with what this post is about! lol

I got to touch my sister's lovely mama belly. I felt the baby move and react to us. It was so amazing. I cried. She also had a 4D US done and we watched the DVD. It was so wonderful to see him. We can already make out whose lips he has and who his chin resembles. Simply wonderous. Magnificent and truly a gift. I am really so thrilled for my baby sister.

When we were discussing who the baby looked like, I thought his nose was like my daughters. Which is funny considering they have no biological connection. So later that night I couldn't go to sleep thinking about my own children. They are so much like us and have actually become so much like us that they have begun to take on a physical resemblance to us. Which is neat. Obviously there are definite differences, I am not naive or living in dreamland.

My older daughter has black hair, brown eyes and olive skin, like my husband. My younger daughter has light/medium brown hair, blue eyes and very fair skinned, like me. My older daughter has a round face, like me. My younger daughter has my husbands toes. Both girls have a button nose like me. My older daughter is hirsute like me and the young one has less hair like my husband. It is amazing to me that God gave me two children that have so many similarities to us.

Perhaps in my mind, I know they are my children so I assume they look like me. They have taken on many of our mannerisms, our likes and dislikes. We laugh at similar things and we are moved to tears by the same things.

Adoption of older children, should not work.. too much baggage...too much pain...too much trauma....too much time apart. But amazingly enough....It can work...It can create that miracle of a forever family.

I probably rambled and made little sense. But today...I had to remember the good. Enjoy the good....embrace the good and radically accept it all.

Be Well....
K

If I just......She would love me...

2009-07-17T11:36:00.002-04:00

I find myself falling into this trap. I keep thinking if I am calmer, quieter, sweeter, more generous....etc, she will love me and accept me as her mother. The truth of the matter is I can't make her love me. I cannot will her to love me and accept me as her mother. I am a great mother. I am patient and kind and more than fair with her. I nurture her and keep her safe. I am proud of my effort and I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent. Yet that has nothing to do with her acceptance of the situation.

I am realizing this more as she grows up. It is kind of like when you really, really, really like someone and they don't share your love. You can't do anything to change that. You will never be their object of affection, no matter what your course of action is. Eventually you move on and find someone to love....

Only in my scenario. It will be years before I move on. I feel as though it is a gaping wound that is constantly scratched at. And every day is a reminder of my sad little girl's fight for her life. It is frustrating to love someone so much that your heart aches and to know there is no reciprocation. She won't allow herself to, she can't. We struggle everyday back and forth. Our heart breaking with the realism that we have to have in parenting her.

Everyday I hope that we will have a breakthrough. We continue to hope against all odds that she won't be a statistic. That our family won't become a statistic. As the days go on...I notice more and more that we are replacing our idealism with realism. Back to that thing called Radical Acceptance. Accepting things as they are. Which is a lesson I am practicing every day.

I was asked once again last night, was I ready to accept her. Truly accept her and to continue to love and care for her knowing that more likely than not...It will not end as we hope.

I guess that is my question today.....Does anyone else face these thoughts? Does anyone else continue to hope and pray for the good outcome while knowing all along...most likely it won't be that way? I just would appreciate feedback.

I am slowly coming to terms with these things. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have these feelings and thoughts and then most of the time I wonder "who wouldn't feel this way? It is her issue, not mine"

Yet I am her mother and I love her forever. She will always be my little monkey, no matter the outcome.

More to come...

Be Well,
K

And So It goes.....Part 2

2009-07-04T12:35:00.003-04:00

I am sure you were all waiting at the edge of your seat for the conclusion of my saga...I should have some dramatic music playing with my blog....hahhaa...man I crack myself up.

I left where the police left...

I cried when they left. I absolutely broke down crying. The thought of DCF intruding into my life again, was devastating to me. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way but I have the fear that someone will call 911 or DCF because of my children's meltdowns. I fear that the judgment of others could have my children taken away from me. In reality both children would be more than slightly difficult to place so the odds of that really happening is quite slim. Our offense would have to be horrible but in my mind the possibility still exists. Perhaps it comes from the way I adopted my children. Perhaps it is their fear and trauma that has seeped into my being. Their birth mothers had their children taken from them..It isn't a normal or logical train of thought but it plagues me.

I got myself together and went to speak to my children. They sat silently in the living room as my husband paced. Everyone thinking about the two looming events...DCF investigating and going to Court. Deep breath! Deep Breath! I explained to Marie that we were angry at the turn of events but we were still her parents, we still loved her, we were still going to keep her safe and most of all our commitment to her remained the same. We explained to Rose that we hoped she learned a valuable lesson from Marie's choices and that she didn't want to make the same choices....

The next day...everyone had calmed down for the most part. Marie came to lay with me in my bed and to cuddle. She has spent a great deal of time over the last month needing comfort from me. Which is a good thing that has come out of this. Rose came to lay with us also. When she saw that I was comforting Marie, she began to whine that she was in a great deal of pain where Marie had hit her and that she may have a broken bone. I have to be honest, I was not very impressed with her. I was actually quite angry. I had to breath and close my eyes. The fact of the matter was that she was fine. I had extensively checked her over the day before. I made sure she was ok and now to get her own needs met she was already trying to manipulate to her own end.

I struggle a great deal with the fine line between showing comfort and nurturing them and coddling them. They need my love and my patience but they also need to learn to find positive ways to deal with anger and loneliness. My two children constantly battle for position with me. If I show kindness to one the other feels great rejection and vice versa. I have slowly learned I can't please everyone...I can only be the best mom I can be and the rest they have to figure out on their own.

We are always growing and learning new things. We have to adjust our thinking and our game plan to what is happening in our home. My husband is very rigid so this has been a constant struggle for him. He has really learned to go with the flow. We have really become a stronger couple by dealing with all of this drama. I feel bad for those around us. It must be frustrating for those who want to be part of our family and we cancel plans constantly, we change plans at the last minute constantly, we just plain aren't very reliable to have fun with. I feel bad that it can be disappointing but my children are most important and I have to make decisions based on where they are.

This isn't what I planned on talking about....Such is life....

Just so you know....DCF screened our case out...no investigation and the Clerk Magistrate dismissed all charges, as though we were never there....Life is getting back to normal now....

Well OUR normal....

Happy 4th of July!

Be Well.....K

And So It goes.....Part 1

2009-07-03T17:20:00.003-04:00

This was a stressful week...Duhhh...K....aren't they all stressful? This one was particularly stressful for our family.

Let me break it down for you so that you feel empathy for me.....lol...because that is what I need...

Marie has a mood disorder. Which when she is happy is great because she is crazy...She if funny, engaging, and just a true joy but when she becomes depressive, she becomes unconsolable. You can't find a single way to break her negative thought process. It used to just be the euphoria that we encountered....Which we knew could end in explosive anger also...But most times euphoria can be redirected. The depression has become very destructive to all of us. It is so very frustrating to deal with this depression which is a new facet of her mood disorder...

That was a sidebar anyhow.... Back to my story...oops excuse for not blogging....

On or around June 6, there was quite abit of stress in our house. My husband's nephew's baby had died and he went to the memorial. The children were aware of this and for some reason, I am sure easily explainable, this brings them back to their own sense of loss and a huge trauma trigger. Rose was off her rocker in a huge way. She was completely not interested in participating in the family dynamic on any level. That had been going on for over a month by the 6th of June. Marie got a bad progress report the week before followed by a three day suspension and Saturday detention. Marie's therapist also went on maternity leave at the end of May. Then came June 6th.

On June 6th, Marie had to serve her Saturday detention. After which, my husband picked her up and stopped at Subway for lunch. While they were picking lunch up, a kind fellow driver hit my husband's car and fled the scene. A kind woman witnessed it and let my husband know the license plate number. So my husband rushed my daughter home and he went to the Police Station to deal with all of that.

While all of that was happening, I was at home with Rose. By that date, she had accrued 30+ hours of "Fixing It" time so I was watching over her fixes....When Marie walked in, she found Rose and I on the floor attempting to fix the vacuum cleaner, which to a child with RAD is favoritism and isolating the other child. apparently this was crucial to the following events.....

I got up from what I was doing and got lunch with the girls. Of course, I was watching something useful on TV like the Real Housewives of New Jersey...=) I asked Marie some randomly useless question while we ate. I could tell she was upset about my husband's car so I was trying to get her out of that mindspace...

She began to just escalate rapidly and without notice. HOLY CRAP! She began to scream and cry uncontrollably. Of course, my adrenaline also goes up...I asked her if she wanted to take a walk...she refused...I asked her if she wanted to take space in my room or her room (we live in an apt and my room becomes a calm down room when they both get wound...My room is darker and quieter than anywhere else....) I asked to come sit next to me so she could feel my love and safety sitting next to her...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! she was storming around throwing things and screaming...I really tried my hardest to ignore her.

She announced that she wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval....I said no...she was too old to continue to use the hospital as a safety net. We loved her and could help her with her processing....she refused ....so now she is totally in meltdown mode....honestly, I had pulled out every therapeutic trick I had in my bag. The calm voice, the sing songy voice, the stern and in control voice...NOTHING!

She was becoming more enraged with every word that we uttered or didn't utter....Rose walked back into the living room from the bathroom and Marie made a B line for her...Punched her in the arm and then kicked her in the leg....Rose kind of whined but came to me for comfort...Marie screamed "NOW take me to the ER" I said no and asked for her cell phone. I had her cell, my cell, Rose's cell and my husband's cell in my hands. She demanded one of them back to call 911...I refused...soooo she found the home phone and played with it...

I still wasn't dressed from the morning of chores, so i sat there knowing that just like every other time she had threatened to call 911, she would chicken out....well she dials 911 and I hear "911 what is your emergency". I stand up and went to get in the shower...Had to be clean and dressed when the officers came right. Who knows what she said to them...all I could think was...Great now we will be in the local Police Blotter!!! Thank God no one I know will read that paper....lol

I got dressed and the officers showed up. She was a true punk at first. The officer took us outside and told us we could have her arrested or he would file charges himself. I told him we would not press charges. He offered to Rose to file a restraining order...Why he did that after I told him they both had emotional issues, I have no idea but whatever. The officer also made us aware of the fact that they had to call DCF...

After speaking with us in the hall, he went back in to speak with Marie. She was still cocky until he said he might cuff her depending on his assessment of her ability to remain calm...She straightened up and said she could keep it together and wouldn't need them again...So I had to sign domestic violence forms and he left.

DCF would call us and we would receive a summons in the mail for a court date. Lucky us right?

I am going to save the ending for my next blog...

At this point, I am going to tell you that five minutes after the police left, BOTH girls were playing together and having a grand time...No Biggie. Meanwhile, my hubby and I were crapping in our pants....lol.... Growing up my husband and I were "goody goodies". We were too afraid to do anything wrong. I never drank, no drugs, no skipping curfew, no sex, we were sooooooo innocent! Which I am glad of now but makes it hard to relate to my trouble magnets!

I have learned that I can deal with it. It could be so much worse! My girls are good girls. They want to do the right thing...for some reason they just don't make the right choices when they count. I have to accept that and realize that I can use the mistakes as teachable moments. Which I have tried my hardest to do over the last month.

I have tried to be an example of unfailing, unconditional love to them. I have tried to be resilient and pliable. I have tried to be patient and full of mercy. These are the lessons they must learn from me. They don't need my anger or wrath...I was angry but my love was bigger. They both have struggled with accepting that but it seems to be getting through now.

I have other things to share but this is already long enough...I will finish my saga tomorrow...and share more lessons!

Please be well....K

Thinking my life away.....

2009-06-24T13:21:00.003-04:00

I am a thinker. I think all of the time? There are always thoughts racing through my head. I wake up in the middle of the night because of something I thought of because I was dreaming about it. I have to turn talk radio on so that I have to concentrate on something other than my thoughts in my car. Otherwise who knows where I would end up when I get in the car.

I am also a multi tasker.....I do many things at once and usually have a high rate of completion. I even multitask when I am relaxing....I read a book, listen to music and think.....I watch "House" on two networks, play on facebook, talk to my husband, and think....

I daydream, too. My head is in the clouds most of the time. It makes me highly flakey and a very bad friend. I am spontaneous and very impulsive. I want what I want and can bully sometimes because I don't get my own way. Which who knows what that makes me...I don't even want to THINK about that.

I think about how good of a mother I am. Or am I a good wife. I think about what else could we possibly do to help our children heal. I think about how the stress of raising RADlings will affect my marriage in the long term. I think about how raising my RADlings has already affected my life. I think about what could have been and I think about what will be in the future.

I think about so many things that I am exhausted. I can't turn my brain off. So now I am thinking that I think too much...I must waste so much of my time just thinking about stuff....About things I can't change now and about things that I can't stop from happening.

My kids are what they are. I can't think them different. I can't do some sort of mind meld to change them. If I could...I would make a killing by selling my services. Oh well...

Now, I am thinking that I may have wasted your time....Just thinking again!

Be well!

Are you serious?

2009-06-22T21:31:00.002-04:00

I believe I received this message when my 15 yo daughter texted me THREE times today and called FOUR times while I was at work....At work at a job that frowns on cell phone use...this is the most persuasive argument against teens with cell phones! =)

First....UPDATE on Rosie and the infamous capris.. lol....she did wear them to school. But as I correctly suspected...It was a one and done...."Um....they are really comfortable but...um...they are way too loose...I need it to be tighter to my legs..you know, like the rest of the NORMAL kids" Whatever that means....lol....See Ocean State Job Lots is the best place to buy what I am starting to call the one and doners.....lol

Onto the fun of Marie!

Marie is my spirited child. She is vivacious, exuberant, fiesty, sassy, outspoken, impulsive, headstrong, loud, infectious laugh, a smile that lights up the room and eyes that twinkle with mischief....She was the miracle I prayed God would send us....but she also struggles in ways that break my heart. She has requested on not blog about certain things that have happened in the last month so I am tiptoeing around parts of the story that are the most crucial. But I have always told the children that if they request something not be talked about on here...they can make the request and I will respect their wishes....so please be patient...The story will unfold...eventually.

Marie has been struggling for months now. It started with skipping classes and stepped up to massive behavioral meltdowns (can you call them tantrums at 15), a three day suspension and saturday detention and recently resulted in outside intervention. Next week some of our questions will be answered so I can explain that more. She has had more than 2 meltdowns a week for the last month or so. I personally think it is BiPolar although the psychiatrist believes it is simply trauma response. I have to be honest, I don't care what the label is...she needs a med change. He is away until July 8 so we are trying to be patient and work through this. Her peaks and valleys are too extreme to be anything but a mood disorder. So I have decided I totally disagree with Dr. G and I am ready to fight this time. He has always been very reasonable in the past but is very hesitant to change or up meds..I agree with him, in theory, but he isn't living here....MEDS! lol

Today....the stress of the end of school is really getting to her. She has been grounded due to the above issues...she knows this...we know this....everyone that knows her...knows she is grounded....Back to the loud...lol...today...in her kind and loving words...bated my husband into a debate over her restriction....he ended it quickly but she blew a gasket....

Anyone want to take a 15 year old for the summer?

Anywhooo? See why I stopped blogging....lol

She calmed down...and seemed to be processing information....then she told me that it was hard for her because it was alot of pressure to pretend that I was her mom....She thinks of me as the Stepmom...and I try too hard to be her birthmom....Not sure what that all meant but I figured she was still completely out of sync sooooo encouraged her to take a shower....showed her my unconditional, consistent love and decided it was something that could wait until she was back in sync....I certainly don't need to start more fires!

On a positive note....My sister is having a baby in September and I am very excited for her and my brother in law...I am so looking forward to our family expanding and spoiling another nephew....

Another positive note.....I have a mini vacation coming up. I only have to work next monday and tuesday with the rest of the week off...Life is good!

Be Well....

K

PS...I know this isn't the most formally written blog but I write like I talk..So deal with it=)

Making Decisions

2009-06-21T22:38:00.003-04:00

Man, I am continually disappointed in my ability to be a faithful writer on this blog. I love this blog and I love my blogging buddies. I have been running ragged lately and don't find that I am going to say anything inspirational so I don't want to just waste your time with continual complaining. So I don't write. Then I become shame filled at the fact that I don't discipline myself to write at least something every day.

Then I say.....K, get a stinking life and shut up!

The last month has brought many adventures in our home. But let me just say I am tired. I am frustrated and seem to be feeling quite sorry for myself as of late. AGAIN....clearly we may need more happy pills, should this tide continue to flow as it is!

Rosie...is just her usual self. There isn't anything tragic to report. Her and I continue to play tug of war. I know it isn't effective parenting....but sometimes....I just have to win. Sometimes, Daniel Hughes and Attachment parenting just doesn't get my desired result and I have to win. Hopefully there are others of you out there and you can say AMEN!

Yesterday she tell me that her Chorus teacher told her that she HAS TO HAVE NEW BLACK CAPRIS by monday because they have another chorus concert and she will be the only that doesn't have a new pair of capris....Although, I am well aware that this is totally bogus...and if it is true then the Chorus teacher should be purchasing them! But she had been having a relatively decent day so I was sort of interested in humoring her. But I know her very well and she doesn't wear capris unless they are jean clam diggers so I knew this would be a one and done with these capris...and thus not going to pay a great deal for them. I took her to Ocean State Job Lot...Isn't that where you go when you think discount clothing? lol....they have such a hodge podge of stuff so I figured we could find something.

I was gonna focus on Marie but hey why stop with Rose.....lol....I went to the "clothing" department and found some really cute black dress shorts but all of them were too small or too big so then I found this pair of BLACK linen capris....they had string on the bottom to tie as loose or tight as you wanted, I assume to make them the desired length. She said they were not very stylish and she would rather wear nothing then wear those hideous capris....I sat them back on the rack and said...."good luck with that"...I walked away. I found my husband and we browsed the store.. She found a slinky teddy that could be a dress if I let her get it and these cute flip flogs.... so I asked "what does this have to do with the black capris" she rolled her eyes and said "fine I wooooooon't get them...geeeeeeez! why do you have to be so disrespectful" HA....but I kept my mouth shut=)

We meandered for another 10 minutes AND then I was no longer amused. I told her to pick or I picked....knowing that my choice was the only choice she really had. She huffed and puffed and said "fine have it your way! You are a bully anyhow...I don't know why I bother to to fight with you...You are so mean!" I smiled her and said..."Indeed, my love, I am not sure why you fight me, either! I love you!"

Tomorrow is the chorus concert and she spent the better part of the evening scheming about what she can wear instead....Well...I feel satisfied that I only paid five bucks for them so no big loss and she can do some chores to pay me back for my wasted generosity...Although, I don't feel like it was wasted....

I will let you know tomorrow....What lessons were learned!

Love you all!

K

If I were a drinker, I would be in trouble.......

2009-05-21T13:01:00.002-04:00

Wow....isn't that a provacative title? Don't worry....I am not over imbibing...I actually don't drink at all. Personal choice that was further solidified when my two children became part of my family. Having alcoholic/drug addicted parents caring for you can really mess you up so I chose to eliminate that fear from their life and not drink simple as that....

But it is really one of those days....If I did drink...I would be three sheets to the wind by now. Having a tough time with little Rosie once again. She doesn't quite get a few concepts that I feel are quite obvious. Then there is a part of me that thinks perhaps her poor behavior is more calculating than I think.

Here is the scenario..... Mother's Day...Her Birthmom calls us, out of the blue and about three years after our last contact. I let Rosie speak to her and we have found out that she has reproduced with another man. Two healthy little boys. They are still in her custody and appear to be happy, healthy family. I don't know how much of this is true and accurate but by all accounts she is not forcing the disasterous childhood on these new children that she gifted to my daughter.

Rosie declares her undying love for her birthmom and sibs. Why wouldn't she? I know that is logical and completely normal for her to feel. She also declared her need for a visit. I spent two days trying to get her to understand that it was okay if she had mixed feelings or even was mad. all NORMAL feelings. She insisted that I was incorrect and she only had love for them.

In therapy, her therapist and I discussed that she needed a far more stable relationship with us to be able to have physical contact with her mother and phone contact should be minimal at most. All things I agree with. Rosie was given clear expectations for how this would happen. Which included an end to physically acting out against us and an in general more respectful relationship with us.

In my mind, knowing her as well as I do, she would straighten up because she is very good at doing what she has to do to get what she really, really wants. But she has done quite the opposite. Her physical aggression has increased and she is more disrepectful than she has been in forever. Obviously, she is in no way ready for a visit. But I wonder if knowing that this prevents the visit, she knows that we will stop the visit and she won't have to confront her past with her birthmother. I wonder if on some level she knows that we are the safe place for her and that we are her refuge during the storm. Which means we are a little farther along than I ever imagined we would get...

Any thoughts?

Can't We All Just Get Along?

2009-05-08T15:05:00.004-04:00

It is Friday afternoon and my mind has already checked out for the weekend. I am completely unproductive today. I want to keep focus but I can't. My youngest daughter, Rose, has had a horrible two weeks and I, myself, would like a do-over for the last two weeks and I love her so much....she should be allowed one also!

I would like to tell you that I have learned some valuable lesson from this experience or that I have felt peace about this situation. But I have to tell you honestly that this sucks! Sucks in the worst possible way.

Here are the two reasons this sucks BIG TIME.

1. I love my kids. I can't stand to see them struggle with their past trauma. It breaks my heart to see them have flashbacks and night terrors. It breaks my heart to see wet beds, sleep walking, hoarding, and other random anxieties reappear because of what they see in their minds. I hate to see them have to disassociate from reality and put those thick steel walls back up because they are too afraid to trust again.

2. I am human. I hate, hate, hate bad behavior. I hate tantrums. I hate spitting, biting, punching, kicking, throwing things. I hate threats against my safety. I hate threats that they will tell someone I hurt them. Remember, I am human. For a day or two I can understand logically that it isn't them that is doing this. It is their fear response, it is a result of their trauma. Then we get to like day 5 or 6 and I am exhausted....I don't want to deal in reality either....

So then we begin to fall apart....See this sucks...

So when you are praying tonight, say a prayer for us....Because I pray for your family, too.

Then we wake up tomorrow and it is a new day and perhaps....tomorrow won't suck as much....lol...

Be Well....

K

PS...I hope I didn't offend anyone with the work "suck"...It has lost its effect on me, as I have heard it so much..BUT I certainly don't wish to offend anyone!

Shame.....

2009-05-03T21:03:00.004-04:00

This is an old picture. Actually about two years old. And it is a picture of Rosie getting her hair done by her Auntie K. Even knowing what this picture truly is, it strikes me as a picture that closely reflects a very pervasive feeling in children that have been abused and/or neglected. SHAME. When we adopted our children, we were completely ignorant of the effects shame would have on our lives. We didn't know that it was one of the core feelings kids like ours have. It is almost always the reason we have behavior issues in our home. Anger is usually what they use to cover their shame.

Babies are born feeling shame. But with the help of a healthy and safe primary care giver (ie parents, usually) children move from shame to feelings of guilt. Shame is about the perception that the child is bad, unlovable, stupid, worthless. Guilt is a feeling that results when the child realizes that their action has affected another person, it has nothing to do with their self worth. I hope I just described that correctly. That was my understanding of it. But feel free to correct me, gently!

My children have never had the opportunity to learn to move from shame to guilt. My children are stuck in shame. And it is a painful and sad thing to watch your children go through over and over again. It is also frustrating. I want so badly for them to know that they are lovable and worthwhile. I want them to see that they are smart and good. No child is "bad". They make poor choices but there is something good about every child. And we as parents must always search for something good in our children. It is the only way we can help them heal.

My children feel shame daily. Actually multiple times a day. So multiple times a day, we encounter behavioral difficulties of some sort. Rosie cries giant crocodile tears and Marie is unbearably belligerent. I would like to write that I am an amazing mother and I am able to be totally and completely therapeutic every time. Alas, I am not. After about ten times I am out of gas...I just want NO DRAMA!

And inevitably, most behaviors have their roots in shame. A child felt isolation when she had to play alone, shame that she is unlovable, A child is busted for looking at something or listening to something she shouldn't, shame that she is worthless and stupid. The list goes on. I am learning better to diffuse their anger with a change in the tone of my voice. Getting them to calm down and express their feelings before they escalate to holding them or they break objects. I am getting better at it but still I have much to learn.

I am learning more and more how traumatized abused and neglected children can be. How dedicated they are and how much they need special TLC, much nurturing and a whole bunch of unconditional love....Pray for my family and I will pray for yours!

Be Well!

The Musings of a Crazy person!

2009-05-03T20:05:00.003-04:00

Goodness Gracious! I haven't been very good at blogging for a long time! I have to apologize because I am sure I have lost almost all of my followers. I miss blogging but I continue to find my life getting in the way of things. Can you imagine that?

We have had some wonderful things happen and a few more stressful things have happened also. Both the great things and the difficult things have had an adverse effect on the children. Hey, I am not super girl, I can't fix everything!

I find that the girls are sniping at each other more these days. I can't quite figure it out but I am investigating like crazy!

Marie is having difficulty with a few of her teachers and so she has failed a few classes. I have tried to help her rectify the situation but the teacher doesn't seem as willing to bend thus the problem is continuing. I am very frustrated because she is doing reasonably well in her core classes where she is getting proper assistance and accomodations beyond her IEP. Her core teachers have done an excellent job with working with me and her. It seems that she is having a great deal of difficulty with the classes (electives) where she needs to be in Mainstream classes. So, as extreme as it may sound to some, I have decided to Home school her. I am fairly sure about the curriculum I am going to use but still doing a little research.

Marie seems relieved that we are going to be able to have more control and flexibility with her schooling. She seems quite excited to have the one on one lessons and being able to focus more on her studies without the outside interference of peers. I still have concerns about it but I am confident that between My husband and I, we will help her to succeed to a much greater extent than she is currently.

Rosie was doing very well! She wasn't having behavioral challenges and she was doing well at school. We even had school vacation without a major blip! We then took our yearly trip to Burlington. My husband bowls in a tournament every year and we make a weekend out of it. Apparently, hotels bring back horrible memories for Rosie. We thought we had talked about it and got a room that was closer to being homey so perhaps she wouldn't be as anxious. We brought our own blankets, pillows, stuffed animals...homey stuff....And she still had a huge meltdown. She hasn't been able to recover yet....that was more than two weeks ago now. Trying to be patient and help her through this but she doesn't seem to be responding our therapeutic parenting techniques.

Which is very frustrating! Please tell me you understand!!!

Last Friday, I was able to get away to see Dr. Daniel Hughes in Vermont. He is a psychologist that has worked for many years with families of RAD kids. When you see him speak, you know HE GETS IT! He is so soothing and calm. He is empathetic and simply wonderful to listen to! I have some new books to read and I feel refreshed!

Anyways, I just wanted you to know I am here...And trying to think up something interesting to share....Which I am always doing!

Missed you and Be Well!

Man, I am lazy

2009-03-30T20:33:00.003-04:00

Can you believe I haven't been on here since January....I am a blog loser! I miss you guys...I have developed a fairly sick addiction to Facebook....My new mistress....So please forgive me that I have been so neglectful to you...my dear friends!

Many things have changed....yet is all still the same....Does that make sense? I don't even know where to begin..Perhaps as I get back into the swing of my blog I will go backwards but today I will stay where I am....In the present.

Marie really struggling right now. She doesn't seem to be able to get out of her own mind these days. I don't know what is going on in her head. She is keeping it very close to her heart. She had a really extreme rage last weds. And yesterday she attempted to spin so far out of control that we would hospitalize her. Thank God for my parents. They swooped in to provide her a place to get things a little clearer in her mind.

She has requested contact with her birth mother. We have had two phone calls that seem to go well. B-mom has done an excellent job at being appropriate and nurturing....Which is a wonderful change from the early years. As much as she feels she needs this contact, it is bringing up a lot of mixed feeling for her. Which I completely understand. The rush of emotion must be so hard for her young mind to wrap around. We are plugging along though...Just plugging along...What else can we do but deal with it! It breaks my heart to watch her struggle like this...I just want to make it all better.....

Rose's Turn!

I don't dare say what I am about to say....because I know the pendulum will again swing the other way....And I will come to you begging for your shoulder....She is doing good....I mean she has a fiesty personality....so she is always a smidge difficult and she loves to see if she can piss me off...(please forgive my language) but for the most part...she is making good choices...She hasn't flown off the handle. She has been able to take a deep breath and accept no....Although she still thinks that the seatbelt wants to boss her around because she has to wear it....lol ....no lie....And the added benefit is that I can tolerate cuddling with her. We aren't at war...we have a peace between us....which is amazing....three and a half years for this....But I have to say....I love every minute of it!

So here is where I am....I am learning to be grateful for my life. I am continually learning that there is hope and goodness in everything that happens....AND I am also learning to be patient....and quiet...You have to be quiet sometimes to hear the good that is happening.....I forget this...ALOT!

Be Well,

Queen Mommy

A thought.....

2009-01-28T22:20:00.002-05:00

Do you know how absolutely hysterical it is to watch a RADical, bipolar, lazy teenage girl use Wii Fit? Please tell me you want to see a video...BECAUSE I am posting one the next time I catch her without her realizing she is giving me a show! I love her so much! She makes me laugh...sometimes she is funnier than she realizes.....

A good time to be a mom.....I love that Wii....Lots of family fun to be had...

Hope you enjoyed your day stuck inside because of the weather!

Facebook....

2009-01-27T14:57:00.005-05:00

Thanks to those of you that joined my Facebook group....Things have just been crazy as of late but I am trying to be more disciplined with my blog and all! Just gets crazy sometimes.

So This list of "25 Random Things" is making its way around Facebook. It is fun to find out about people and their lives. I decide to do one about being the mom of a RADish so I wanted to post it here first and see what my peeps think!

I want input, Peeps!

25 Things I want people to know about me as the parent of a child with RAD

1. I have to parent my children in unconventional ways. Due to my child's
past trauma, they need me to parent them differently than a biological
child.

2. I appreciate your suggestions, but I have already tried them.

3. I am a good parent, but sometimes I need to hear it from other people

4. I can't control their behavior

5. Neither can you

6. No one could parent them better than me

7. Therapy does work. It is very important to our success.

8. I am constantly abused and need lots of TLC from my support system!

9. I don't want pity, I am just looking for a sympathetic ear

10. I appear angry and hostile but really I am just isolated and frustrated

11. My expectations of what this life would be were too high

12. It is ok for me to grieve the loss of what I thought adoption would be

13. My child isn't a bad kid, they have suffered immeasurable trauma.

14. I constantly have to be on guard and rarely have the chance to relax.

15. Unless you live in my house, don't assume anything.

16. I am really strict, I have to be. My child's life and my own
depend on it.

17. I always tell the truth, my child doesn't.

(They feel that their only protection is their ability to control adults
with lies)

18. If you have had a conversation with my child, they have manipulated you.

19. Sometimes I am embarrassed by my child's behavior

20. I know they are accountable for their behavior not me so you
should know that too

21. If I ask you to let them "fix" their poor behavior, let them.

22. My kids aren't scary, you don't have to be afraid of them

23. They only misbehave so much for me because I am the one that

they feel closest to. You don't pose a threat to their safety because

you don't want to parent them.

24. My kids are great and are fun to be around, when they are following my rules.

25. I love my kids MORE THAN ANYTHING....They are worth all of my efforts.
AND I know they will heal as long as I stay committed to them.

It is a sunny day.....

2009-01-19T10:02:00.002-05:00

So this weekend was the anniversary of Rose's removal from her birthmom's home. January is a very bad month because both of my RADishes were removed during this month. They had very different experiences but the reaction is similar. Actually this is the first January that Marie hasn't had this reaction. I am so proud of her!

Back to Rosie. I find that I spend a lot of time dealing with and obsessing about how I deal with Rose. She is such a challenge to me. She knows my buttons AND she definitely is very adept at pushing them. 99% of the time I know that it really has nothing to do with me, I am just lucky enough to experience the aftermath of her trauma. But there are the days that I take it personally. There are the days that I am wounded in the fray. She says the phrase that hits me the wrong way.....and the whole day goes bad=)

Yesterday Rose just decided that it was going to be a bad day. In her mind, there was no way that yesterday would be anything but painful and chaotic for everyone. I hate those days. Because those are the days that just don't seem to end. Some days she can be redirected and get over it...But after the third meltdown it became clear that she was not giving up on her anger pattern.

I find that when she is in these meltdown patterns it is as though she is a colicky baby that can't be comforted. So I must think of her as a baby. Her trauma is so deep rooted that this becomes necessary. I am not sure what anyone thinks of what I am about to say but it works with her. It is unbelievably helpful. I swaddle her. Yes, just as you would swaddle a baby. Well, not as tightly. It isn't necessary for it to be that tight. I don't have to force her. She knows what I am going to do. We have a sheet that is her swaddle "blanket". I spread it on my bed and she climbs up on it and I swaddle her. No matter how out of control she is...she seems to do it. Which I still find interesting. Yesterday, I swaddled her and she cried like an infant for like five minutes as I soothed her with my voice....And she went to sleep....

She tells me that she feels safe when I swaddle her. She knows that she is safe when she is cuddled in her "blanket". I am considering the purchase of a weighted blanket but I have not purchased it as of yet. This seems to be working in the same fashion. Once she is swaddled, I usually put her in my lap and hold her like an infant. I caress her face and kiss her forehead. I soothe her with my voice and speak to her very quietly. And when she is ready...we discuss her feelings and her memories....all the while she is safe and close to me. She actually will request it when she needs to be close to me.

My hope is that as she heals, she won't need this anymore. As she heals, she can learn to tell me her angry and sad feelings without the long drawn out dance we now do now. I love this kid. She has my heart. She may be afraid to attach to me but I am firmly attached.

I hope that you all are having a great day...I am having a great day....It is a sunny day!

Barack Obama

2009-01-18T15:16:00.002-05:00

So I try very hard not to interject my political views on my blog. I try to be very objective and rationally make my own decisions.

I want to talk about Obama. I am not going to talk about whether he will be the next Lincoln or not. Because really that will not be determined for many years to come. I am not going to talk about his views on the economy, abortion, gay rights, imigration, etc. Again....We all come from all backgrounds and situations which make our views what they are. And my blog isn't about that. My blog is about parenting my RAD child....and those things, while important, don't directly affect what I talk about on my blog.

So why on earth would I talk about Obama? Because Barack Obama is biracial. That bonds him to my family. That is what I find the most touching today as I watch the concert for him on HBO. I am tearing as I think about it. My biracial daughter is rolling her eyes. She isn't as touched by this as I am.

I grew up on military bases. I grew up with neighbors of every nationality. I truly didn't know that there was anywhere in America that people didn't live like this. I had Korean neighbors, Guamanian neighbors, African American neighbors, Hispanic neighbors, White neighbors, you get the picture. My schools always were so very diverse. I was so lucky to be raised in such a culturally rich and diverse situation. My church was also this diverse. Because many of the families were made up of American servicemen that had met and married women from different parts of the world, there were also many biracial children. I also never knew this had its own stigma.

Off topic again!

Obama grew up with a single white mother and at somepoint in his childhood was raised by his poor white grandparents. He had an absent father. He lived in Kansas, where I imagine he wasn't the norm. He had adversity. So in some aspects he grew up as many of our kids did. With great adversity in his very young life.

Please don't email me with comments about how his color isn't important and all of that crap....blah blah blah....Read my feelings don't analyze my words to find fault.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character~ MLK Jr.

And that is what I feel Obama is doing for our children. He is showing that you can be judged for more than the color of your skin...You can be judged by your hard work, your intelligence, your character and your desire to be the best that you can be. I am proud to live in that America. I am proud that my children live in that America. I truly think that he shows our children that adversity and color is part of who you are, it doesn't define who you are!

Please refrain from sending me any political rhetoric. This isn't about his policy or democratic rhetoric because I am a Proud Republican. This blog is about me being proud that I live in a country where color isn't everything....And this wasn't always that America.

God Bless America!

Sucky Moms Unite.....

2009-01-08T19:38:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else have Facebook? I know Christine does..(I don't know how to make a link to blog but she is amazing!) Anyway...The reason I am asking is because I think I am going make a group for all us. I didn't realize there were so many of us proud sucky moms out there! We all rock and we should really Unite....LOL...I will create the group and let you know....You all probably have lives and don't have time for Facebook and now you know that I don't have a life!

If you have Facebook....my group is called "Sucky Moms Unite!" This could become a trend...hahahah...If you are able to join or interested in joining, I would be happy to link on there to your blogs too! Despite the name...It will be a positive place for us to support each other. A way for us to unite without having to read all hundred blogs...

I love you girls (And my one guy follower)

K

Things I Learned From My RADtastic 11 yo (In general Conversation)

2009-01-07T11:28:00.002-05:00

1. I suck
2. I am jealous of her Birth mom
3. I punish because of my said jealousy.. I need therapy.
4. Consequences for poor choices mean I don't love her.
5. I don't show her proper respect.
6. I suck
7. If I was a normal mother she would be healed....
8. I make sure nothing good ever happens to her. I steal the life out of her.
9. She is sick of the drama....hahahha
10. I am cruel for making her eat healthy meals..That is how she got fat!
(she is normal)

Sooooooo....I just thought you would all like to revel in how awful I am. At least I know I am doing my job well....Kudos for me! Plus It is icing outside...What better could there be than that!

Please remember you all suck too!

January 4, 2009

2009-01-04T15:57:00.003-05:00

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!

K

Does anyone miss me?????

2008-12-30T20:05:00.003-05:00

So....Happy New Year!

I have been so lax in the last several weeks. So very sorry about this! We have had a lot going on that really doesn't seem to have amounted to much. As most of you know, we had a horrible Ice storm on Dec 11 into Dec 12. Alot of people lost power for a significant amount of time. We were lucky and only lost our power for about 36 hours. As luck would have it, my husband was bowling at a tournament in VT that weekend so we got to have a road trip with him.

The girls revolted! They don't travel well when they are prepared for the trip. And Rose hates hotels. I won't get too in depth about her reason but her mother exposed her to many inappropriate things in hotels. Thus she rebels against any fun we try to have in hotels! Marie for the most part is past her issues with travel but it seems as though when we travel she is more easily persuaded to be sucked into Rose's drama. Fun times for everyone.

So thankfully we weren't forced to stay in a hotel for long. Where was I going with that line....hmmmm.... nevermind ...I forgot....Marie and her twin bro are hanging out playing Guitar Hero....Actually they are briefly playing every Wii game we have....ADD....lol

Then we have been passing around repiratory and sinus infections....Fun times!

We are all getting better...with the start of the new year! Yay us! So now I am revved up again to blog...I will try very hard to blog more often. My goal is daily...So cross your fingers.

We have had a great week. I have most of the week off and I have enjoyed being with my family. For the most part the girls have really made an effort to fully engage us. Which I think is excellent. I would have to say this is the first Holiday that was completely enjoyable. I mean, of course, there is always drama! I know that is not possible to escape from that while raising my RADicals!

As the new year starts, I want to remember that there is good and fun to be had with my Radicals. I am hoping God will fill my mind with the fun we have had this past week when I am struggling with them. I hope the same for all of you, too.

I am also wishing you a year full of successes and fun!

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T19:19:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't been as faithful at writing as I should be. Sometimes life just gets in the way. Lots of personal stuff going on and I have been sick. I have been on the antibiotic for five days now so I am starting to feel a little better but I was super generous with my husband and now he has it.

Today is Christmas. and for my RADtastic household it has been a good day. Marie is a trooper and she has been doing great for awhile now. I am so proud of her. She seems to be learning to self regulate herself. Rose had been doing so very well all day. She was accepting limits and she was thankful and respectful and so very fun to be around. Well that was until I started this blog....lol...she has a sixth sense or something about making sure I have something to write about.

I am so thankful for my family. They aren't perfect but they are mine. I love them very much and I wouldn't trade them for anything....Even though there are days that I may think twice about that....hahaha.

I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Merry Christmas. Even though, we are facing challenges now that the let down after the fun has started. This was a wonderful Christmas Day with many very pleasant interactions. Perhaps the best holiday I have in the whole five years I have parented my RADishes. I am grateful that God has given me this. My husband and I deserve it!

So do you! I wish you a wonderful day also.

Queen Mommy

Ice Storm 2008...

2008-12-13T21:59:00.002-05:00

So we just got our power back tonight from the Ice Storm Thursday night into Friday morning...I am exhausted because we went to a hotel in VT. Loooong story...I will write about it tomorrow because my children don't do hotels well...And they certainly don't do the chaos and confusion of no power in all of Central Massachusetts either!

We are home, warm and at peace. I will write more tomorrow...

Keep warm and be well!

Lessons I Have Learned

2008-12-08T20:51:00.004-05:00

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an Amen...lol)

Focus..K...focus!

Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the case...at all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope for....is much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!

We have come along way, Baby!

2008-12-06T17:06:00.005-05:00

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

It is Me again!

2008-11-17T21:28:00.003-05:00

Hello...How are you? I am doing well, thank you.....

Soooooooooo, my peeps.....I read me some nifty blogs....One I love is Torina. The other night I was reading her blog. She said her family would make a great comedy. I, myself, think I would be a dramedy...Too much wailing and gnashing of teeth at my house to be a comedy.....lol

I have a friend that fosters. She always has something fun going on at her house. She graciously watches my daughters until I get home on the nights my hubs bowls. She is truly good to my girls. She has a newborn and a 15 month at her house now along with her own almost 3yo daughter. Rosie tends to parentify herself with younger children. My friend and I have discussed and agree on the rules about her little ones. Rosie can talk to them and play but she can't physically touch them.

This really pisses her off. I know it does. I can see that it does. I have explained to her and we have discussed at great length that she is a kid and she is lucky enough to get to act like a kid. Marie is a teenager and has taken a babysitting class. She does not try to parent the children and therefore my rules don't have to be as strict with her.

Guess what? Do you see where this goes since my friend babysat for me tonight?

We live in an apartment complex. She was quite verbally aggressive with me. Not good after a long day at work...hehehe....I let Marie into the house and locked the door. I sat down in front of the door and laid my head against the door.....She demanded that I let her in....I calmly (yay me! The pills are working...hahaha) told her that when she was able to respectfully speak to me, we could go inside. She stood over me and told me she thought she was gonna puke.....I told her she had to do what she had to do....(in my head, I just pleaded with God to help her control this urge...because I would be puking too if she did that!)

God hear my cries....She relented because she didn't want the neighbors to know we travel on the crazytrain! I have to say...my older daughter has bipolar along with her RAD and when she is having an "episode" (our special word for her manic place) she doesn't care who is there to experience her train ride....Rose on the other hand, is ridiculously aware of what other people appear to think. It really can work in my favor. I know I can run errands with her no matter what because she doesn't want anyone to know about the crazytrain!

I don't like Ozzy Osbourne's music. To be honest, I have never really listened to his music. He has this song called "Crazy Train" in the chorus he says "i am going off the rales on a crazy train" Sometimes....I feel as though that is my life....so I made it my ring tone...Please, don't write me and tell me how horrible that song is....lol...that is the only part of the song I have ever heard....and the only part I plan on hearing AND it feels like me right now...hahaha...clearly the meds need to be upped....lol

She chilled long enough to get in the house and shower....She began again after that so Marie was already in bed so I shut my bedroom door and let her do what she had to do until she fell asleep.....She went to sleep quite quickly....Man, I know if I were her, I would be exhausted....She puts so much effort into pushing us away from her. Poor kid....She really is a sad little girl. I feel so badly about the fact that she is so dedicated to pushing us away....Lucky for her...I don't ever give up easily! I am nothing if I am not dedicated! I may stumble and I may royally screw things up sometimes....But in the end...I am totally dedicated to this family!

Lucky for all of you, that means tons of blogs to come....hahahhaha...If you all excuse me..I have to go watch TLC and the family with two sets of twins and a set of sextuplets! And I think I am overwhelmed!

And in case I don't say it enough or well...Thank you to all of my family and friends for your love and support! My mom, dad, sister, both bro in laws, sis in law, father in law and J, my brother and M, J and D, M.L. and the list goes on! Thank you all for what you do for us! And Thank you to my blog family...I love you all too!

I am baaaaaaack!

2008-11-12T11:06:00.004-05:00

Ok, my friends, I am back! Well, I am back for today...I can't promise you beyond that. I am sure it will be such a shock but Rosie is still a pistol! She truly is a challenge for me...I am sure that is also not a shocker!

I have been struggling with a very depressive state as of late! The stress of caring for her has really done a number on me. At first, I wasn't going to say anything but I decided....It is what it is and I can't be embarrassed or ashamed for what is going on.

For the short term, I have chosen to use medication. Although, I don't advocate medication as the "cure all" for life's adversity....It seems to be helping me cope. I was truly struggling with panic and anxiety. It was becoming debilitating in how it was affecting my life.

I think part of it is going through the stages of grief. Which I am not sure I have ever done before. I guess I never thought I had to...But I think that I am ready to now....Or maybe I was in the Anger stage for a very long time...Now I am in the depression stage. I know that you don't go through the stages in order and you can revisit one stage many times.

I never thought of this relationship with Rose as causing me to make this journey. Her constant attacks and her trauma has been difficult on our family. I have had to reevaluate how I feel about this situation. It isn't that I don't have hope, it isn't that I don't think she can heal. I have hope, I know she can heal. The frustrating thing is that I feel that she is purposely not. I don't know why. I don't know if it is fear on her part or she isn't ready to move past her anger. I don't know...I don't need anyone to explain it to me....I have been in therapy for a very long time....

Today's blog is about me...not her. I don't want an explanation of her. She is who she is. And right now that is all I care about. I am doing the best I can for her. I have put my own health and emotional well being on hold to deal with her shenanigans...AND I WON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! I think as a society, moms are told we must sacrifice everything to be a good mom. AND that simply is not the truth. If you are compromised in some fashion, you can't give your children your best. Your children don't need all of you...they need the best you can give them.

This may be too personal but I am going to share it anyway. Saturday....I didn't get out of bed till 5pm! That isn't too unusual over the past couple of months! My husband had arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to get out of bed. My wonderful husband is so dedicated to me. I am so lucky to have him. He has taken such good care of me including taking care of the house as I have been going through this. I did get up and I went out with our friends. It was then that I realized how bad it had gotten. I also realized how important it was for us to go out without our kids.

My friend babysat for us....and you know what...she did a great job! She handled them quite well and was even able to deal with Rosie! I felt so relieved that I have another person I can trust with my children. I also have a friend who fosters that is great with my kids...but she is busy with her own brood. My sister and my mom have always been the only ones I trust with my children but they are both in college and very busy so I feel guilty asking them to help me...they have their own stuff! I don't want to bother them with my "stuff".....

My husband enjoyed having me to himself so much that he and I have promised each other that we will have more date nights!!!! Which we need....Our marriage is the most important relationship in our home!

Ok....so I am off of my pedestal! I just had to unload some stuff.....I am feeling great today! I am coming out of my cave and ready to tackle whatever the future has for me! Including more battles with Rosie.....What would life be if I didn't have that adventure to look forward to!

Also....If I haven't said it enough.....I have the most wonderful husband on the earth....Thank you, Honey! I love you!

Election Day!

2008-11-04T22:25:00.003-05:00

I am not going to tell you how I voted. I am not going to tell you why my opinion is more valuable than yours. I am not going to spew any more propaganda....History is about to be made either way....I just used that as my title...Because it is the truth.....it is Election Day.....

I just saw that someone quoted my blog....That is so cool...I never thought that I would get to say that ....Nice...Thanks....by the way...Love your blog, too...But I am blog dumb and don't know how to add links...I will figure it out though!

My little Rosie is challenging if she is nothing else! I feel like an old record because I think I say that a lot. I must sound as though I hate her. It isn't that at all...I love her a great deal. But she pushes my buttons like nothing I have ever seen before. Holy Cow! She knows how to get under my skin. This as much about my reaction to her as it is truly is about her pushing me.

I am coming to a realization right now. I have a few medical issues that are completely stress related. This is documented by actual health care providers...not my guess...hahaha...And I realize one issue in particular is out of control. I am a high strung person to begin with...so this isn't all due to being a parent! But I have realized that I really need to rethink my reactions....they are going to kill me.....I work in the health care field(not as a dr or nurse but close enough to know what is going on) and I see the issues stress can cause. I never thought of myself as one of "those" people but then one day I turned around and BAM...that is me!

I know I need to relax...I know I need to take care of myself...I really know all of this stuff...BUT I really find it hard to do....My personality seems to be impeding my own ability to do this! So I am purposely standing back ....AND.....taking a chill pill...I know I have said I need to do this so many times....BUT I am serious!

My daughter has a classmate that just lost his only parent. My daughter was quite upset about the whole situation. Not that I am on death's door or anything BUT my children need me to be healthy...They need me to take breaks and they need me to be healthy....Otherwise I am not there to terrorize them for the next million years!

So I have to relax....So tomorrow...I am relaxing...I am not doing any errands...I am going to sit on my big fat butt and watch the Anne of Green Gables movies! I found all three of them in one set....(i thought this was a major score) I will let my husband manage things on his own...AND I will eat cheetos and reese cups until I puke if I want to! Most likely I won't do that...But I also may just shower and put clean pj's on...Not even getting dressed...hahhaha...Yeah me! I am so thankful that I have a husband who agrees that I need this! I love you honey!

Here's wishing you the break you need and deserve!

Be Well!

I'm Still Standing......

2008-10-30T22:08:00.003-04:00

I was just singing that Elton John song...I love it....it is such a peppy song...."I'm still standing better than I ever was!" I haven't gotten to the second part of that but I am still standing!

When she first got home last friday....we had a horrible time. She was angry with us for having her admitted...she was still angry about her birth family....and now she had to return to school which made her even more angry...I had a very angry kid at my house.

She seems to be quieting down over the last couple of days....So that is good!!! So very good....AND this weekend my friend and I are going to see a musical! I soooo need a break....and how awesome do you feel after a musical.

I promise that I will write longer soon! I just want you to know how much it truly means to hear that you are thinking of us and praying for us....It is truly powerful!

Have a Happy Friday!

Be Well....

Quick Note......

2008-10-26T20:12:00.003-04:00

It was a long....difficult weekend....We are plugging through...I will email you more soon but I wanted you to know that I am still here! I promise I will be blogging soon!

Thanks to my fans...I am soooooo psyched I have followers!

Be Well....Me

Do or Do Not. There is no try.....

2008-10-22T18:38:00.004-04:00

The great Yoda is responsible for that quote. I personally don't have any feelings either way for Star Wars...But even if it is from a movie...I think it is unbelievably profound.

We went to the rtc today and they have decided that Rose is appropriately stable and she is able to come home on friday.

I am having many mixed feelings about this. I have not blogged much because this all has taken an incredible toll on me emotionally. I have truly sat on my butt for the last two weeks and taken the time to breathe. I haven't cleaned my house in two weeks, laundry isn't folded, and I need an oil change....Any volunteers to come help me? hahahahah....I needed the time to baby myself. I have had to learn to allow myself to relax....Which took a long time. My own defense mechanisms had been so strong that it took me a good 8 or 9 days to take it down a notch. I am a very high strung person so that is a big deal for me....hahaha....

Back to Rose coming home. When we had our meeting this morning....services available to us....none really.....beyond what we are already accessing...we are doing everything correctly....we provide her with love, nurturing,and safety....It will just continue to take time...(sigh) Hard to hear this when you feel as though the process is never complete. We love her but we find her behaviors challenging...

Back to Yoda.....I find that I fall into the "try" mentality.....I need to just do it or not do it...I am wasting my life away just trying.....

My commitment to Rose is worth more than just giving it a try....She deserves my doing it or not doing it....So I am doing it...I am committing to her coming home and our family healing....I am doing my best to make sure that happens...Trying implies I could fail...Doing implies I will succeed....Talk about power of positive thinking.....

I am convincing myself as much as I am convincing anyone else.....At least you all know I will have more blogs...I am guaranteed that this roller coaster ride will continue for a long time!...Might as well sit back and enjoy it....

Be well....

What was I thinking?

2008-10-16T21:11:00.002-04:00

I have a lot of mixed emotions. I have so many things going through my mind right now! I feel sadness, relief, guilt, peace. I suck right? hahaha....I feel peace because I don't have to have my guard up. I can relax, I can have a moment to catch my breath. I can relax....No stress at home. I am relieved that I can relax...I feel sadness that I can relax...>I feel guilt because I can relax....I think way too much!

When we were in the ER having the psych eval done...Rose was having a blast. She was holding court and the room was full of nurses that were more than willing to be her jester. At one point they asked her if she wanted juice and cookies. I softly declined on Rose's behalf. The nurse looked at me in disbelief. Her face looked as though I had asked her to euthanize my child. She said to me " you know that I will have to write on her chart that you have refused her food and drink?" I said "yes, do what you must but she doesn't need to be given juice or cookies. We aren't here to have a party. I have water if she truly needs something" I was surprised that she felt that it was horrible to say no to juice and cookies at 9 pm!

When the clinician said he felt he could make a case to have her admitted, Rosie said "Do they have stuff for me to play with?" And when the ambulance driver took her by the hand to the ambulance, she happily went with her. I told her that I would be following with daddy behind the ambulance and she barely gave me a second look. When we entered the facility, they told her she would be going to bed. She hugged us and left the room....Never looked back...When she found out we couldn't visit till the end of the week she said it was not a big deal...she had her stuff but when we came, could we bring her snacks.

If my heart wasn't broken, there are many stories about this that are kind of comical. We are working with the staff to set up services for her when she leaves the program. We are hopeful that something beneficial will come out of this. I am still praying that she will have the "ahhh haaa" moment where something clicks and she is able to do the work that she needs to begin the healing process.....

As long as I keep up my hope...I am able to get up and be the productive mom of RADishes....

Be Well....

My Big Adventure....Part one....

2008-10-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

I still haven't carved out exactly what I am going to share with you about this whole thing. I have decided that I won't go into detail about exactly what happened prior to the placement. We are committed to her placement in our home and we are committed to her healing. She also needed to be stabilized. I am not sure how the mental health system works in other states but in our state everything is waitlisted. Every where you go for help.....they put your name on the very long list waiting for assessments to see if you qualify for services AND then another list to receive the services you need. The most direct way to services is an in patient psychiatric placement.

I am still exhausted today. My theory is that I have been hopped up on adrenaline for so many months that as I relax alittle....I am crashing....so I need some sleep.

I have a few funny stories from our trip to the ER but I am falling asleep now....I just wanted to let you know I am still here and I will be blogging through my new adventures!

Be Well!

For My Special Prayer Warriors.....

2008-10-13T03:57:00.002-04:00

For those of you that believe in God and praying....Please send a prayer the way of my family. I will decide after I have had some sleep how much to actually share but we had to have one of our children placed in a short term residential treatment facility tonight. Please pray the hand of God on her. We are at peace with our decision and we know this is for the best.

I will write more when I have a few minutes...

Be Well....

UMMMMM, Ok

2008-10-05T22:26:00.002-04:00

This has become the worst phrase I ever hear! My 14yo (she is quick to remind me that she will be 15 in Dec) uses this phrase constantly. She seems to be able to work it into every conversation that we have.

For instance:

Me: I love you
Marie: UMMMMM, Ok

Me: Marie, you haven't done the dishes
Marie:UMMMMM, Ok

Me: You are late for your curfew
Marie: UMMMMM, Ok

Me: I think that the sky is blue
Marie: UMMMMM, Ok

Me: You need to stop
Marie: UMMMMM, Ok

Me: Do we really need to have this conversation while I am upset? Or would you prefer when I am ready to have this conversation.
Marie: UMMMMM, Ok

Do you get the picture?

I just had to share this. I know she is a teenager...But it really gets on my last nerve when she says this with that condescending, "i am way smarter than you" tone that she gets.....I want to rip her cell phone in half and scream "I am smarter, I am an adult for godness sake! Stop talking to me like an idiot!!!!"

Does anyone else relate to this?

I know we all have bigger fish to fry than something this petty...But today I feel like being petty...... UMMMMM, Ok

Be Well!

Sweet Little Lies....

2008-10-04T20:42:00.002-04:00

So this picture will be code for a RADical Day.....

At this point, I am still exhausted from dealing with my RADicals. I truly am in awe of those of you that have more than two children. Especially those of you that have more than two RADicals....I have to admit that I am all filled up with Drama with my two RADicals. They are more than I can handle some days and I am in awe of and somehow jealous of those of you that seem to be able to juggle more than two! Hats off to you! I truly mean this is the most sincere and inspired way! You are truly my hero.

Marie is failing two classes at mid terms and her way of handling it was to not tell us about the Progress Report AND to try to be out with her friends as much as humanly possible. I even told her if she continued to bully me into letting her to go outside, I would not let her "hang" with her friends the rest of the week. She readily and contritely agreed....Should have been my first clue that she was hiding something. And just for kicks, the classes she is failing are the easiest classes on her roster and she is failing merely because she blows them off.

Rose continues to attack me every morning. I have to be honest, after five weeks of school and her constant attacks for those said five weeks...I am no longer impressed=)

So here is where we are. Where we are living now.

We went to WalMart this afternoon. The girls wanted a special treat from Dunkin Donuts, so we let them go get a treat. Which gave my husband and I a very special few minutes to talk and be alone. (Take it where you can get it!) Soon, Marie is storming towards us. Some crazy story includes an accusation of Rose calling Marie fat. Which is a buzz word for Marie. She is very sensitive to such issues, as most teens are.

Well, Rosie is no where to be found. We can't find her. So we pay for our stuff and sit up front on the benches. I am so glad WalMart cares for comfort. Rose shows up about 15 mins later and is astounded that we were sitting up there. Didn't we care for her at all? So I asked her why she wasn't with Marie, as she is supposed to be. Well, Want a suprise? She had a completely different story including Marie victimizing her...Shocker....

Marie at 15 and much closer to being healed, usually tells the truth with a slant towards her being a victim but the truth is there. Rose at 11 and not close to being healed...Her stories rarely if ever contain the truth, just a story of her victimization. So we spend way too much time trying to get the truth. Finally, Rose concedes to most of Marie's account but insists she didn't call her fat. Now she says she called her "the B word". She was appalled that we thought she would call Marie fat. It is beyond me why in her mind the B word was more acceptable than fat but I am beyond figuring that out. It boggles my mind!

More hemming and hawing commences. We stopped at a Sub place to get dinner..It was getting late and I couldn't be bothered. There was a State Trooper there and I made some comment about his cool undercover car. The girls were afraid of him and I told him that it would be a good idea to be on their best behavior. He would not be impressed.....The girls sat down and waited while we ordered. He turned around...He was aimlessly taking a look around the sub shop and must have caught a glimpse of Rose and nodded at her. When He turned back around...She slinked up to me and whispered in my ear.." Mommy, I didn't call her the B word...I called her fat...I just wanted you to know the truth"

Man I wish I could have a State Trooper with me every day!

Be well!

PS....Here is a shout out to my Followers...That is awesome...I love that! Also I used bad grammar a couple of times on purpose....so there....

Snuggle Time.....

2008-09-30T21:00:00.002-04:00

My little Rosie. I love her. I am not sure that is really something that I hide. But perhaps as the mom of a RADical, I appear hostile and unloving. It isn't unloving or hostility that I am feeling. It is truly the frustration of loving a child and that child spending every moment of their life rejecting your efforts. It is the frustration of having a child appear to attack you and abuse you (verbally and in some cases, physically) every waking moment. It is the frustration of dedicating your life to their healing and everyone judging your parenting skills and assuming you are off your rocker.

My frustration is like the ebb and flow of the water. Sometimes, she is particularly toxic and it feels as though I have been engulfed in a tidal wave. Then, she gets it together and the water is gone. I feel peaceful and serene. I truly think in these times, God gives me the gift of memory loss.

I am not sure if anyone else ever feels this way. When she is raging, I feel as though I could drown and that it can never get better. She overwhelms me with her rage. But when we are in our good times, I am able to sit back and see the bigger picture. God grants me the grace to "forget". Of course, I don't really forget. I know what has happened and I remember how painful it was. But I am able to let go of it and I allow myself to feel HOPE again!

During Attachment Therapy, they always encouraged Cuddle Time. A time when I am supposed to hold Rose like an infant. It creates intimacy between us. She fights it most of the time. She is rigid or screams till she goes limp from exhaustion. The only time I can coax her into it is when I bribe her with M&M's or pudding or a sippy cup of chocolate milk. Otherwise, there is no gain for her.

In the past, the only time she asked for cuddle time was when she knew we had a good snack I might ply her with. And she only wanted it for as long as she thought I wanted to get her something she wanted. Needless to say, this constant manipulation makes me less than thrilled when she approaches me. My issue not hers. But still it strains the situation sometimes.

Then the water goes back out to sea and she asks me tonight for cuddle time. She had already had snack. I said yes. She laid on my lap and snuggled very close to me. She looked in my eyes and she was less rigid than usual. She never asked for a goodie. She held me close and she felt so very close to human. (does that make sense?) A little victory. Small but powerful.

These are the times that I know we can keep going. We can keep trying to create a healed family. We aren't going to be a war zone forever. Thank you, God, for my renewed hope!

Her therapist is gone for two weeks to get married and go on a honeymoon. Really, is this fair? She did offer to take me with her so I could have a break. As tempting as a trip to Hawaii is, it would be a romance killer for her. The hubby won't be so thrilled. =)

Have a great night and Be Well.

Not Quite There...But a Good Start

2008-09-28T13:03:00.002-04:00

Last Saturday, my friend had a yard sale. It was like five families. She had a hot dog steamer and offered to let the girls have a hot dog stand. So being the ambitious mom full of dreams that I am, I suggested that we sell baked goods, too. Then why stop there....We would donate 50% of the proceeds to a local charity.

We chose a local charity named Warmer Winters, that knits/crochets clothing, blankets and toys for the local homeless and poor. They also teach them how to knit and crochet, so that they have a skill to also provide for themselves.

Well, Marie decided to donate her half of the proceeds also so we donated all of our proceeds from our stand to WW. We actually did very well so I was very proud of Marie. Rose had been sick that day so she wasn't able to help. She did help me package all of the baked goods a few days before. My husband did the hot dog and ice runs to the local grocery store....soooo it was really a family project.

Yesterday the woman that runs WW invited us to visit their location. We brought her the check and saw all of the wonderful clothing that is waiting for those who need it. What a neat experience and the woman was truly touched by the donation. She offered to have the girls come to their next knitting night so that she could show them how to knit.

She took her picture with the girls, gave them each a pin to wear and warmly hugged them. She was truly appreciative. My husband and I were truly moved by what they are doing. She gave us local statistics about poverty and homelessness. Marie was also touched by the experience.

We went out to the car and asked the girls what they thought. Marie thought it was neat that they made all of the clothing that they had(over 800 pieces so far) and wanted to learn how to knit so she could help them. Rose said...."it was nice but I wish that they had offered to let us have something"

I laughed, what else could I do? The lesson was there....just didn't quite connect....

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Be Well!

Brenda, I am doing Hooray's early this week!

2008-09-25T19:55:00.002-04:00

So I have decided...I am doing Hooray's early....Brenda's idea is so fantastic and I somtimes forget it when I am in the "heat" of it all. We have truly had a very harrowing group of weeks. At this point, I really have no idea how long but it has been a long time!

So here are my Hoorays....

Rose-following directions and we have had Two( yes folks count them, two!) days without a morning fight! Yay us!

Marie- There has been some serious drama happening at the high school and she has not felt the need to run and hide her head in the sand. She has been brave and trusted us to keep her safe

My husband- he just totally rocks all around....

Me- Reacting less to the behaviors...big deal for me

Have a great night!

Be Well...

Choices

2008-09-24T08:42:00.002-04:00

For anyone that doesn't actually live with and parent a child with RAD, you cannot truly understand the challenges of parenting such a child. I find that people in the mental health are quick to tell you what the issue is, duh, we live it. What we need is support and empathy. Another blog. I just wanted to thank those of you that are reading and sending your support to me.

I have spent the better part of the last five years in therapy. I have spent the better part of the last five years reading books. I search websites, I go to a support group, I do...blah blah blah blah....I know what I am supposed to do. I know what the experts say. I know why the kid does it...I know that this is typical for a RAD kid...I know I know I know....But at the risk of sounding like a victim....it doesn't change the fact that it sucks sometimes! =)

I am trying to do what I want my children to do. I am trying to enact a concept that my oldest daughter learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The concept is Radical Acceptance. It means to accept one's reality. You may not like that reality or agree with what is happening...but you have to accept it. My youngest daughter is challenging. She is who she is. I must accept this. This is our reality. Together. I am not saying that I am resigning myself to allow her the ability to be disrespectful and I am not accepting the bad behaviors.

But I must accept her. I must quit hoping for things to change that may never change. During Attachment Therapy, the therapist said something that I kind of blew off but now after so many months and years...I must do....I must accept her where she is. I am learning to do this.

It must seem so weird to hear this. How can she not accept her child? I love this child. I love her and I want the best for her. I want her to be successful and have a wonderful life. But I also spin my wheels trying to change things about her that I don't like. But that isn't truly accepting her. There are things about her that are just her. They aren't her RAD. They are how God made her. I have to ACCEPT those things.

So I am learning as I continue to struggle...I am learning that I too have many lessons still to learn. I want my children to learn Radical Acceptance of their own past so that they can move forward. I must also learn that same acceptance so that I can move forward with my children.

I think it is truly a gift that as humans, we have the opportunity to always change. We can choose to change our path with every decision we make. With every moment we live, we can make things different....make things better.

Today I choose to accept this adventure that I am living. I choose to accept my daughter and I choose to accept her flaws. I choose to stick by her and continue to do everything I need to do to get her healthy. I choose to change my reactions to her behaviors...

See what a little sleep does for you? It Changes your whole view......=)

Thanks for your comments. I truly treasure hearing your support and knowing we all have common ground to meet on.

Thank you once again and Be Well!

Sometimes.....

2008-09-23T19:28:00.003-04:00

I have been doing this RAD parenting thing for over five years now. I never had the opportunity to parent a child without RAD. I know nothing but this life that I have. I never had a child that simply did "kid stuff". So when my kids do "kid stuff" I have a hard time deciding whether I need to call the therapist for an emergency session or just think it is a cute thing the darn kid did.

I think it is something I have always struggled with while parenting my children. Sometimes, it isn't RAD. Sometimes, it doesn't mean they will grow up to commit heinous crimes. Sometimes, it doesn't mean they are doing drugs, having sex or committing crimes. Sometimes, it isn't the end of the world.

I also think, I am oversensitive to everything my kids do...What does that mean? Why did they do that? Did you see her say that? Look at her eye movements...What is she saying to me?

Sometimes she is just a moody teen or tween. Sometimes she just wants to hangout with her friends. They just want to be with kids their own age. Sometimes she just thinks I am an idiot because that is her age. Teens suck....lol...Sometimes an eye roll is just an eye roll....

Sometimes....I have to relax and let them enjoy being a kid. Because sometimes....that is just what it is....her being a kid and figuring it all out....I need to chill out!

I may write another blog...But I had to remind myself...RAD is part of my life....Not our whole life.....

Be well!

Decisions to be made......

2008-09-21T19:26:00.002-04:00

We have really had a rough stretch with our eleven year old. She has lived with us since February 2006 and we have been going through a rough stretch with her since January 2006. Yes that is correct. She has been a struggle even during our transition. My husband and I convinced ourselves that once she moved in she would quiet down. Then her behaviors escalated and we justified this by saying that once her adoption was legalized she would settle in, just as our Marie had done. Her Adoption was finalized November 2006. Her behaviors continued and have been close to unbearable at least once to twice a month since. I am being kind with these estimates.

We have done as much as we feel we can do to help her heal. In the last month, we have increased therapy sessions. She refuses to be part of therapy 90% of the time. Luckily, her therapist is wonderful and is committed to helping our family. Unfortunately, I think her resistance to therapy goes beyond fear or trauma. It is more of a genetic imprint. I am sure someone will gasp at my theory about this but I am with her, I live her wrath and anger daily.

I will also add that I have successfully parented another RAD child. I am a great mother with solid parenting knowledge. One that is very attached to us now and has made the decision to trust. She has made so much of herself by allowing others to love her and to love others. I do know that healing can happen. I have experienced it. Marie's current issues are more due to being a teenager and the impulsivity of her mood disorder and less about RAD.

Rose is very different. She purposely chooses to be harmful and toxic to everyone around her. We went through attachment therapy with a very well known and successful attachment group. She was willing to do what she needed to do so that she didn't have to sit in their waiting room for hours each week. No real work was done...Sadly she has no interest in buying into it. There is nothing of value to her. Nothing. Nor does anything gain any value through lessons. Consequences mean nothing to her. She will do what she has to do to get through and begins her plan for future revenge. She thrives on the toxicity she spews. Everything is a game. Everyone is her pawn.

This week she did major damage to a main door in the complex we live in and in the process injured my hand. I am fine. A small injury but an escalation in her behavior. I am becoming more frustrated with the situation daily. Her therapist has suggested having her assessed through a state Risk Assessment program. The risk with this is obvious since she is a past foster child. Although, I am starting to feel as though her only help will be a residential placement. I am very conflicted. I want to keep her safe and protect her. She is so cold and hard to this. Her walls are so thick and they seem too strong to penetrate.

I still have so much hope for her. I still want so many things for her life. I still pray that somehow we can break through her walls. I just am not convinced she wants any of those things to happen. I feel so frustrated.

I am still plugging on....I am still parenting her the best that I can....I still have hope....God has to do the rest.....

Be Well....

Hi, Mrs. (fill in your last name) it is the School Nurse.

2008-09-17T09:03:00.002-04:00

Ok...so the new school year has started AND we have already had two calls from the school nurse and the therapist has had to intervene. Last weds. we were vomiting and today she has a "sore" ankle that is causing her throat to hurt. Which apparently means that she needs to be at home because it could be contagious. I am so glad Dr. Rose lives in my house! I think I forgot to mention that Weds. is my day off...Ding ding...Can you tell that my frustration is high?

I think on multiple layers, I am frustrated. First, I am frustrated that I had a long meeting with her teacher regarding her scams. I gave her the Nancy Thomas letter for teachers, which I highly doubt she actually read. She announced that she was very aware of and adept at dealing with a RAD kid...Apparently this isn't true since she has already sent my child to the nurse! She seemed like a smart cookie when we met with her. She seemed to be tough but fair, so we thought that we might actually have a teacher that could deal with this kid and not get sucked in. Literally a week in and Bam the kid wins!

I am also frustrated because the school system has rules that are set up for "normal" kids. Granted, I understand the rules and why they have them. I concede the need for them. But they are very frustrating to me as the parent of a child that uses them for evil! She knows the vomit=home rule so she did it where the teacher would hear or see her, then (this is my favorite part) tells the teacher I will punish her for going to the nurse. What kind of harsh mother am I?

As far as the teacher...she has been warned...If she gets scammed, it is on her. She suffers a bad school year because of it....

The school nurse was great. She explained that they need a note from some practitioner saying this is all psychiatric. The therapist was hesitant to write a letter due to the legal implications but she called her. The nurse said that just because she had to go home, didn't mean we had to hurry. So the day she went to the nurse, my husband picked her up five minutes before school ended. And she said she is happy to call me and send her back to class since she knows it is bogus. Finally, a person with reason...AND she didn't give Rose the sympathy she wanted.

Sooooo...I am a horrible mother right? Hahaha...Of course I am not! I am the voice of reason and one of the three people on the face of the earth that she can't scam. Yay me!

ON a bright note, Andrew McCarthy is going to be on Regis and Kelly. My all time favorite movie is Pretty in Pink. Of course, I am sure that has nothing to do with his visit....But I still love him.

Gotta take happy moments when you can! Be Well!

Will this really pass?

2008-09-11T20:15:00.002-04:00

Ok...quite a pessimistic title, right???? I don't really feel this way...I just wanted to share my day....

My husband has a toothache. He can either have 3000+ dollars worth of work done OR he can have it extracted...Guess which he chose...So he is having it done under anesthesia....Can you say behaviors? ahahaha

Second, yesterday during therapy we had Rose read a letter from a member of her bio family that said that she was really going to live with us forever...Devastating but very much needed to dispel her fantasy of birthfamily reunification. Plus she is having testing done at school. So she is back to her old trick of throwing up so I had to have my yearly argument with the school nurse about not being sucked in AGAIN. Of course, everyone is now an expert on RAD so they don't need me to explain anything....As far as I am concerned...as long as she is at school...if they won't listen and are so stupid..they deserve to be scammed... I know that isn't therapeutic and I have to do more work at home BUT really, if you educate them and you try to warn them and they disregard everything you say....they sort of deserve to be suckered....So now I have to go down and have the "no Rose can't go to the nurse unless she is dead" conversation with the principal again....

Marie, is mostly doing fantastic. But it is beyond me why she gets sucked into the drama that Rose starts when she knows she lies more than she breathes....lol...I mean really....you can only help so much...they have to learn on their own!

Fun Times!!!! Super Fun Times!

On a very bright note...I haven't lost mind, I haven't opened fire on random groups of people, I haven't jumped out of the window..AND most people think I am way more sane than I am! So today Rocks....hahahahahah

Life is less about what you are going through and more about how you react....SOOOO..
I am choosing NOT to be bogged down in how much it sucks...And I am choosing to be thankful for the fact that with RAD kids, it could be worse!

Be well!

In response to my bullies

2008-09-09T22:18:00.002-04:00

I don't have any remarkable change in scenery here. Rosie continues to struggle greatly...without any positive strides....

so I decided to share my smile....My little victory....you may not even find it amusing but it makes me smile and makes some unbearable moments...bearable for me...

My kids love love love to bully me. They truly feel that the best way to get their needs met is to force my hand....So now whenever they bully...I sing that fantastic oldies song...."you don't own me" I sing it with gusto and all of the out of tune muster I can get together...I sing whole heartedly and as cheerfully as I can possibly be...."you don't own me....(mutter some other words that I don't know)...don't tell me what to do...don't tell me what to say...please don't try change me....you don't own me..." and on I go repeating the words and I sing with gusto....generally giggles ensue...and I help things move along...and they think it was their idea...winner winner chicken dinner!

Okay, that is my story and I am sticking to it!

Be Well, Queenie

For Those of You That Don't Live in My House....

2008-09-07T17:54:00.003-04:00

For anyone left in the universe of Blogs that doesn't think that you must be incredibly strong to parent a Radish.....I just want to say...You are wrong....

When any parent sees their child for the first time there is an incredible welling up of emotion. You see that beautiful child ( no matter the age of the child) and you know that it is your child. It happens to varying degrees, I am sure depending on the situation...But you do KNOW they are yours. It doesn't matter their past, it doesn't matter the way they came into this world...You just know that child is yours. You know that you are meant to be together. At least, that was how it was for me.

My youngest daughter...I think today was the first time she has truly broken my heart. She can be brutally mean when she speaks with me. That doesn't hurt me. She says, on many occasions, that she hates me. That is certainly not hurtful. She will scream that I am a horrible mother. Still no pain going on. I know that her words come from pain.

We were in the car today...She told me that she doesn't think her biological sister looks anything like her birth family...I told her that they both ook just like their birthmom. She sat back there and repeated to me that she was the one that looked just like her birthmom. I agreed. ( I hate these conversations but they don't bother me...It is something that I have come to accept. ) At this point she became angry with me for not...Oh I don't know...not saying my words in the right tone...I have no idea.....I asked her why, if she knew she looked like her birth mother, did she need me to agree with her. "Because if I look like her, everyone knows that I belong to my real family".

I know it is only semantics and I am not into the whole politically correct adoption language that everyone wants us to use in our feel good society. But I truly hate that phrase. REAL FAMILY? The real family is the family that loves you, takes care of you, keeps you safe..all of those things that we do.

Of course, I (once again) explained to her that she could use the term birth family or bio family ....but we were her real family....your real family is the family you have!....So she said to me....You aren't my real family...you are the family I have to live with ....not my real family! Ok...you probably don't see the big deal...but even in parenting a RAD kid...they usually try to lie or sucker you....She is beyond doing that....I don't think anything she has ever said has ever had the same effect.

I will be fine....This isn't the end of the world..In the grand scheme of things, it is just another blip...But Parenting isn't for cowards...and I just needed to tell someone out there....today, it sucked....=)

Time for a Change.....

2008-09-06T19:18:00.003-04:00

I have spent the majority of the last month surviving skirmishes with my wonderful Radishes. I really do try to be therapeutic with them. But I must also be honest and admit that isn't always the case.

Obama and McCain have both latched on to this idea of "Change" Brilliant concept that it is. If you don't like your outfit, change it. If you don't like your shoes, change them. If you don't like your shampoo, change it....I need to remind myself...I can do the same with my negative attitude and my negative feelings. I don't have to stay as I am just because that is how it has always been. Doesn't that sound easy...

It feels much harder to do than doing this. But is it really? Is it really harder than just merely choosing not to make the comment, not to entertain the thought...is it really harder than just being a better wife, better mother, better employee, a better human. I am going to be a movie quoting problem soon! but in the movie "Peaceful Warrior" there is this brilliant quote.....(paraphrasing here) There is not start or finish....there is just doing.... Just choosing to change the negative this or that....so that is what I am choosing to do....I am doing it...I am not going to start or finish...I am merely going to do it....

I wish I could find a successful way to teach my children this lesson. They are so fixated on "starting to be good" or "stopping the tantrums".....I find myself quoting the movie here too....Don't say you are going to start or stop....JUST DO IT! I find that this is such a hard lesson to teach them. But I feel that this is an important lesson for them to learn...If they don't learn this lesson....they will be spending their entire lives accomplishing NOTHING.....Never experiencing the most important gift we have....LIFE!

Hooray for my kids!!!!

Rose- faced with a chance this morning for a massive explosion....She chose, with very little prompting, to express her feelings. She also decided...I could be trusted with the control today, without a struggle!

Marie-She has started her first on-going babysitting job...She was responsible and respectful to her new employer and was quite wonderful with her new charge! She did a good job!!!!! YAY FOR HER!

Movies, movies, Movies....I love movies......!

2008-09-05T20:45:00.003-04:00

Ok...You all saw my glowing complaints about "Momma Mia" and "Kung Fu Panda" I have some excellent movies for all of you! One has some swearing in it and may not be appropriate for very young viewers and the other all ages can watch!

The first movie, I saw due to the brilliance of my husband's desire to make a legacy for our children. The name is "The Ultimate Gift" This is truly a fantastic movie and apparently has become a movement around the world. I truly believe that this is a wonderful movie that the entire family would benefit from seeing!

The second movie, I have found courtesy of another RADical mom! Thanks, Brenda...What a gift this movie is! The name of this movie is "Peaceful Warrior". This movie has so many powerful lessons for everyone...But Radishes truly could learn from the gifts these lessons would give them. I, as the mom of a RADish, also will benefit greatly from the lessons of this powerfully moving film!....This one does have coarse language and one or two mildly sexual situations. But there is nothing graphic or truly offensive in this movie.....it is almost as though, I have a crush on this movie! (hahaha)

Anyhow....I feel inspired and blessed.....I love movies and I really love movies that evoke emotion and thought....So to me, it is wonderful to see movies that are entertaining and also use the powerful entertainment media to challenge me as person...To challenge my belief system in a way, that makes me a better woman, wife, sister, mother, employee...makes me a better human being....Ok...off my pedestal now!

be well!

A New School Year.......

2008-09-01T16:27:00.003-04:00

So my first daughter....My oldest....my wisest....and my healthiest daughter is in High School. She is a freshman.... I am 34 and I have a High Schooler in my house.....It is great....! She was up early....excited...exuberant....and busting out of the house....She could hardly be calmed down and kept on the chair while she waited for the time that I would allow her out to the bus stop....A great day for her....She couldn't find her classes, got yelled at by the gym teacher (jerk.....hhahaha) , doesn't have the first clue how to open her locker and she still said that it was the best day ever....I love her zest for life!!!!!

My challenging, potentially sweet, younger daughter who seems to get away with murder. She seems to be able to scam every single adult she meets (her therapist, her dad and me not included) into doing something for her....Had a terrible day....and then when we went to therapy....she didn't want to participate there either!

As those of you that read my blog know....therapy work equals chinese food afterwards.....usually we feel bad and get her a little snack even if she doesn't do the work...but we have finally decided this is not working out for us....so tonight...we went out, had dinner and sat and socialized at the mall with my sister and her hubby....as Rose starved to death...Did I forget to tell you she had a snack right before therapy at 4:30 and it was only 7:15....We came home, I had her shower and put pj's on, then I gave her a pb&j sandwich and a group of grapes....what kind of mother are you? she said...I looked at her, smiled and said sweetly...."A good one".....

Of course....still not making the headway that we wish we were....but I am still a good mom...no matter where she is....she makes her choices....and her choices show me where she is....right now....she isn't in a fantastic place....but ...she is only 11.....she still has time....Moms tell me she still has time=)......

And the therapist is so impressed with how hard she is pushing us away right now...that she wants to spend another hour with us each week....Bonus!

Have a great night....I am not sure where I went or if I even went anywhere in this blog...but that is where my head is....

And my sister and her husband rock...because they are learning how fun the RADical life is and they don't run away, gnashing their teeth....lol....I love you guys....

Be well...

Me

Happy Birthday to me!

2008-08-30T10:17:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was my birthday....Isn't that great? My husband took me out for dinner and Marie made me a birthday cake. She forgot to spray Pam on the pan before putting the batter in the pan, so half of the cake stuck to the bottom of the pan....Good memory for us to share for years to come....My little Rose was kind enough to give me a tantrum for my birthday! I know all of you RAD moms are very jealous! We still have so much ground to cover with dear little Rose. She has actually decided to continue this today for the last two hours....Fun times!

It is time for me to get going today....I can't stay in bed all day, can I?

Hooray for My Kids!

2008-08-24T21:26:00.003-04:00

We are still all ALIVE! This is truly a good thing!

Ok...so positive things....

Rose: Admitted to lies and showed respect during the conversation about her said lies.

Marie: Pulled my husband and I closer by being helpful even after a major behavioral blowout!

Small strides....I am still thankful for the small strides.

The girls are quite emotionally raw this time of year so it is hard to blog with all the drama...I promise I will be back full force when they are back in school...Sept 2....YAY!

Be well!

I don't Know......

2008-08-19T20:16:00.002-04:00

Lisa commented on my blog and she called RAD kid Radishes! I loved it and I have decided to call them my radishes! So here is my picture of today!

I titled my blog "I don't know....." because every time you ask my radishes any question they answer with " i dunno". Please tell me I am not the only one that hears this.

I have this little book called "99 Ways to Drive Your Kids Sane" I forget who the author is but I will print it because this book is great. Anyone that has a Radish should read through this book. So many great little things that can make things easier!

One suggestion was if you ask them a question and they say " I don't know" then you say....
"Then who does?"... My daughter says "huh?" So we say ..."who knows the answer if you don't...does McCain? Does Obama? Does Hannah Montana? Does Britney Spears? who knows the answer if you don't?" Mind you, you can't have this conversation with any sarcasm or nastiness. It has to be a sincere question and expecting a sincere answer. I have to tell you once they are no longer solely concentrated on being "stuck", they think about it and they can answer the question.

I do find that we have the most success when we find ways to break the "anger" or "stubborn" circle that they so easily get stuck in. It doesn't seem to be the "normal" way to parent. Of course, we are all aware that there is nothing "normal" about parenting our kids. One of the greatest lessons I have been humbled to learn is....parenting my kids isn't always a matter of me being right or having the most power. It is more important that I do what they need me to do to get them healthy. I can get what I want in many ways, not just my way. I am a very tough cookie....I am brisk and can be quite bossy. My kids says that I am tough as nails. OH yeah, and I am a super control freak....so these lessons....are lessons that I, just like my radishes, have to learn many times.....

The great thing about being human is.....everyday is another chance we have to reinvent ourselves and change those things that we need to change....Everyday is a blank page just waiting for us to write our future on! So there...I got to be sentimental and philosophical....and perhaps a bit of rambling to go along for good measure....

Be well, my lovelies!

Appreciation!

2008-08-19T20:10:00.003-04:00

Here is another bridge picture! I wanted to thank all of you that have sent me such wonderful comments. They truly are like a bridge over stormy waters to know that there are many of us out there in the world and we can find each other and boost each other up! So thank you for your boosting! I also want to thank those of you that I know personally! I know it can be difficult to be on this roller coaster with my family...But we love you and appreciate you!

Much Love, Me

August stinks!

2008-08-16T16:44:00.006-04:00

I took that picture while we were on Cape Cod. I believe that is the Sagamore bridge. That was just for your information. I don't have anything more to say about that.

I am sure a couple of you have noticed that I haven't written a new blog in two weeks. I guess I needed a break from all things RAD...I am sure you are chuckling...as I am chuckling...I mean being the parent of two children with RAD that is quite impossible.

My mom's birthday is August 3. My nephew's birthday is August 6. Marie's Gotcha Day (the day she moved in) is August 8. Rose's birthday is August 10. My birthday is August 29. Busy Month, right? Plus, school usually starts at the end of August. Oy vey!

I am sure most of you know how our children react to holidays or birthdays or other significant dates of the year.

Marie usually loves her Gotcha Day. She looks forward to it each and every year. We have our annual discussion of her first visit to our home. We talk to her about when she arrived with her social worker at our house for her first visit, we were surprised when she brought FIVE trash bags full of her stuff over to move it in. We relive the months of visits leading up to her moving in and finally we relive the excitement of her actually moving in. Remembering how exciting it was to say good bye to the Social Worker that day and not having to return Marie to the group home.

And this was her Fifth Anniversary. I thought for such an important anniversary we would plan something special. Two days after her Gotcha Day is Rose's birthday. So I THOUGHT ( this is something I seem to continually do wrong.....) we would take a Family trip. A family celebration to celebrate two big events. I know it seems so now but at the time it seemed like a great idea. Both girls felt slighted and did spend a large amount of the time showing me with their behavior.

Actually, I have had this entire week off and they have shown me with their behavior that I made a bad decision. Never take a trip that is associated with an important day.

Do you realize how many rules there are when raising a RAD kid? I can't keep up! I really wish there was a rule book that you would receive when you bring them home...Actually, I wish they came with computer software. For instance, the software would ask you a group of questions related to your child's temperment, behavior, emotional and physical states. Once you had answered the questions, it would tell you the best way to deal with your kid....Wouldn't that be awesome? Of course, it couldn't fix the problem but it would be nice to be sent the right road the first time!

So as of now...I am writing my own handbook...Although by the time it is finished...My kids will be grown. And when I adopt again, they will have to have their own owner's manual. Maybe I will take my own advice and strap on my seatbelt and enjoy the ride.....

I also have to take a step back and not be so hard on myself. I am not a perfect human being. Nor will I always get it right. I am a fairly experienced RAD parent, but I can still make mistakes. And no the world doesn't end if I mess up! Hard lesson for me to learn. I want them to have the very best lives they can but I can't fix it all overnight. I have to be committed to the long term and forget the short term failures. Big Picture, K....Big Pictures..... It becomes a tight rope act to be happy with the small short term successes and remember that it is the Big Picture that benefits. And by learning this, I am able to not get so stuck in the bad times...I can focus on the good times and move on.....

On a side note, I was searching for my daughter's birth mother and contacted another member of my daughter's birth family to find her. This member of her family was so touched to hear from me and we began to correspond. I met this person and their spouse. They are very lovely and were not part of any of the "bad stuff". We are going to keep in touch and they want to help us anyway they can as she grows up. I was so touched that this person is so supportive of our family and has said they will do anything within their power to support the health and continued emotional healing of my family. A true blessing. I had to share it with someone!

Be well....Me

Hurray for my kids.......

2008-08-03T20:46:00.003-04:00

I am stealing this in total from another blog. She has already given me permission for this but I am also linking to her because her blog amazes me.....She is awesome!

http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/

Thanks, Brenda!

Good Things about my kids.....

Marie: Totally blew off her 4pm curfew AND when she came home she was calm, apologized, made amends and accepted her consequences.....Strides have been made!

Rose: She and I were able to complete an activity without her commandeering control. She "Let" me take the reigns.....Strides are being made!

Me: I didn't go nuts today....hahahaha....AND I maintained patience with the other! Both things I struggle with.....

I wish you a good day also! I love those feel good moments!

Love Is......

2008-08-02T20:19:00.007-04:00

LOVE

IS......

I think that my kids have no idea what true love feels. They are terrified of trusting someone that much. To allow them to be that close to them. I am going to try something new with them. I just spent time explaining this Bible verse to my daughter. I guess I don't really have much to talk about today.

But as over used as this passage is, I think it rings true for every type of love relationship that we have as humans. We had this read at our wedding. I know that is probably read at alot of weddings...I know I know... I think that it is something to read to our children, too. A simple lesson on what LOVE truly is. In concrete, understandable terms.....

I Corinthians 13:1-13

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I am actually going to CVS tomorrow pm and I am going to get poster board.....I am going to break the passage up into easily digestable phrases and I am going to hang them around the house.....

In their bathroom, I have small phrases about their positive qualities posted on either side of the mirror. and in their bedroom, I have taped on the wall, promises that we have made to them...i.e. we promise to love them, to keep them safe, to feed them, keep them warm, laugh with them, have fun with them, and be their family forever.... It has seemed to work so far....they get upset anytime I have said I wanted to take the curled up pages down...So I think I will try this again....after all.....love....believes all things.....A lesson for me, too....

Have a wonderful night......Be Well.....

Feel Good Moments......

2008-08-01T10:45:00.003-04:00

I am sure that to some of you it appears as though I never have these moments. Those moments when you just bust with pride at something your kid does. For the record, I do have these moments, just not in the summer.....Summer is a very bad time of year for both kids. But I think I have covered that so no need to review the negative.

This morning....My daughter, Rose, who is my most challenging child...gave me a feel good moment. Of course, you may not view this as a feel good moment...But to a RAD mom....it is!

Every morning this kid yanks my chain. I always rush around...I think that there is no reason to dilly dally if you don't need to. AND she knows super slow drives me INSANE....So I would say almost every morning she goes turtle slow....And without fail....she gets a reaction out of me.

I am trying a new tact with her. Everytime she does something that she thinks will get a reaction, I put my pillow over my head and think of anything else...sometimes that includes me running away or having a kid that follows directions.....call me crazy but that is what i fantasize about.......BUT this morning......she got up, put appropriate clothing on (a big deal in itself), ate breakfast without food drama, made her lunch for camp without scamming me, put on her sneakers without the it's unfair I can't wear flip flops tirade, and left the house with my husband..... Wicked awesome right?

So I have to say this is quite an encouragement to me. When I feel the most hopeless about our situation, she sucks me back in! I smile and think....perhaps this just might be better than good! So I had to share my little victory.....

I have another victory...Marie got some fairly upsetting information about her bio brother last week and she has not had a tantrum....Which also rocks.....My kiddos are slowly but surely becoming healthy.....

Thinking about these things, give me positive energy to start my weekend with....

Be Well

Birth Families part two......

2008-07-31T12:11:00.009-04:00

This seems to be an issue that people are so very divided on....I find myself going back and forth on how I feel. Sometimes, I feel great pity and sadness for the birth family. I mean, I look at the wonderful child that I am raising and I realize how much they are missing out on. The good and the bad.....they don't ever get to have any of the experiences with the child that they gave birth to. Then there are times where I am spitting mad at them. I have intense anger at them because it is essentially their fault that their children have the emotional scars. I find myself going back and forth between these polar opposite feelings a lot.

I assume that if their birth families weren't so much of a daily subject in my home I wouldn't give them a second thought. But so many of the self esteem issues we struggle with in our home boil down to the fact that they don't believe their birth mothers loved them. Whether I like it or not....That is a big deal for them.

Some people assume that if I would just not mention them, this would end....It doesn't....It is in their minds every day. It is behind most of their behaviors and their tears. This primal heart ache.....

One of my children displays extreme behavior on an almost daily basis. We finally spoke to her therapist about a note that we could keep with us in case some misguided do gooder calls the cops because they are freaked out by her shrieks. This letter doesn't eliminate the behavior but for some reason I feel safer knowing that the note makes it less likely that her shrieking will end in deep trouble for all of us. ( Don't gasp with horror....Again, unless you have lived with a violent child, there is no way you can understand to what measures you must go to keep your child safe.....)

I told the story of one of my trips to Target and another blogger shared her trip to WalMart, those stories bother me. I know that I have done nothing wrong...But those around you don't when this little angelic face is puffy and red from her desperate screams.....It is sad that you need to be so careful but the world is different now.....

Watch out girls......I am going to go full circle....Guess what on earth is the reason she has these crazy, rageful tantrums.....You have it! The trauma of her past....The neglect, the separation from her birth family AND the way her mind processes all of it.

Our family is a work in progress. I truly believe that even though our successes seem limited, we are having successes. Even when I am at my wits end and I feel the lowest, we are better today than we were yesterday....AND That is awesome!

Have a fantastic evening! Be Well!.....

By the way.....my girls are going to my inlaws tomorrow night...So I get to have DATE NIGHT with my wonderful husband!....SO there will not be a blog tomorrow night!

Me

What I like about you......

2008-07-30T11:14:00.005-04:00

The Girls were in rare form today.....More meltdowns than if we had 8 toddlers!

When we got back from Therapy, I had the girls get ready for bed and we were having a family meeting in the living room.....After a long period of time, we met back in the living room. Marie said that she was feeling very sad today and asked if we could do the "Five Things" game.

The "Five Things" Game is where each person writes down five positive things about all of the other members of the family. The rules are they can't be non specific things like "she is a good person", it can't be something like "it is funny when she/he farts" or anything else that is really a put down and it can't be a physical attribute. Tonight, I added a twist. They also had to list five good things about themselves.

Marie is very quick and always proud of her answers. When we do this exercise she is quick with her answers and they are always good things. I enjoy the fact that she gets into this stuff. She loves to contribute to our family in a positive way.....She loves to give and receive compliments. Which is just really a joy!

Rose really struggles with this entire exercise. Which is very telling as to where her mind and heart are at this point. She has no self esteem or any sense of self worth which led to her having a very difficult time with giving and receiving compliments. It breaks my heart to watch her struggle with a seemingly simple way to bond as a family....

Even with Rose's struggles, it still remains a very fruitful exercise. It is a break from the seemingly endless train of tantrums and rude comments. We all get the opportunity to sit down and remember the wonderful things we all bring to the table. It is a way for us to feel good about ourselves and to feel good about our fellow family members. Yay me for the idea!

During therapy today, Rose's therapist said we are really doing everything that we can do to help her, it comes down to her willingness to get better. She really isn't there yet.....But on the bright side....her therapist is young and said she will be around for many years.....HAHAHA.....so we have years to deal with this stuff.....it felt good to know that someone else thought we were doing the right things.....It always makes me happy to know that the issue remains on Rose's end and it isn't our lack of parenting skills. We just continue to pray that she has the "Eureka" moment and we can collectively begin to heal as a family.

My husband and I truly enjoy our time alone when the girls go to bed. It is our saving grace. We are so blessed that we have this time alone to enjoy each other and share our quiet times together. I am truly thankful that we have each other on this journey. It is a great comfort to know that we are stuck here together for this grand adventure!

Be Well!

Me

Wipeout!

2008-07-29T17:19:00.004-04:00

So I was up really late last night....I am exhausted....Tonight I am just chilling out watching Wipeout! This is one of the funnier shows on TV this summer! So I am laughing hysterically and I needed it..Thank you ABC for your ridiculous programming....

Have a great night Be Well!

Me

PS....Tomorrow I will give you more of my rockin' commentary!

Birth Families!

2008-07-28T19:05:00.004-04:00

Ok....so here is a sticky subject for our families! I am not sure what happens in anyone else's family but Birth family is an ever present part of our lives. My children came to me at older ages. Marie was 9 when we met her and she moved in and Rose was 8 when we met her and she moved in. We met both of them after their birth parents had their parental rights revoked.

Both girls had lived with birth families until they were around the age of 5. They both have family histories that are complicated and I won't discuss because I do respect their most personal information. Again, full disclosure, they do know I am writing a blog regarding their birth families. I have promised them what I will and won't share. I love and respect my children and we always discuss these things....NO Shame in my house!

My husband and I read part of a book this past weekend that discussed an adopted child's lack of self worth. Many of them have self esteem issues that begin on the premise that they are unloveable because they could not stay with their birth family. In this book, the author discussed an adoptive mother that gave her son a letter from his birth mother saying that she loved him, thought of him, was proud of him and was really happy that he was being raised by a wonderful family. In the book, there was an amazing ending to this story. In reality, I am not sure that the ending will be "perfect".

I have been thinking about this. My little one, more than my oldest, struggles with those feelings of worthlessness and that she is not lovable. I have decided that perhaps we try this. I mean, we have tried so many other things! We have attended Attachment Therapy, she has been in a psych facility, we go to therapy every week, we read the books, we have done diet changes and vitamins, we say all of the right things, we respond the right way(most of the time!), and we still have this incredibly heart "sick" little girl in our home.

I contacted bio family members tonight. One by email and two by phone. Just so you know, before either of my children moved in, I met their birth mothers. It was my own rule. I always felt that the devil that I do know is better than the devil I don't know. Turns out that they were more sad and pathetic than horrible. I am finding it hard to navigate this part without becoming too personal so I will have to defer this to a later time.

Needless to say, I am truly hoping I will be able to give them these letters and perhaps quiet the beast in their belly. Both girls have deep pain from the loss of their birth family connection. Although it can be challenging and painful to us, I truly feel that they need some sort of closure with their birth family. A letter may not fix anything, it may only create other problems but we may have to navigate more pain to find healing! And that is what we are looking for! To have our children healed!

I want my children to grow up to be secure in themselves and to know what true, unconditional love is. Not only to know what it is but to experience it personally.

Today, after one of my conversations, I have great and wonderful hope for my girls. I wish you the same hope for your own families!

Be Well....

Me

Grumpy Mommy!

2008-07-27T18:47:00.005-04:00

I have a cold......Not a big deal, I know....I am just feeling icky and want to rest. Well, friends, that is easier said than done with my chickies! Every time I am under the weather in any way, it brings back all of the panic and terror of being taken away from their birth mother. I have to admit, I don't immediately feel sympathy and use therapeutic phrases. I immediately become upset because all I want is sleep! I know some of you with more than two children feel absolutely no sympathy for me. In my defense, my children both seem to have multiple personalities inside of them sooooo I feel that I have many children. (They don't literally have multiple personalities, I was using literary license) And who cares, I am grumpy.....I just want to rest!

My wonderful, patient husband lost his mind this weekend. The girls were off their rocker when I (gasp) laid in my bed and didn't get up and get dressed.....It was the end of the world when we didn't go anywhere.....Today, my husband came into the bedroom and said "so when are you getting up?" I said I don't feel good and he looked at me and said "so when are you showering?" I have to admit I was so upset. My husband is so great and does so much for me but the girls were so wacky that he was done for the weekend.....He is ready for work tonight.....

Needless to say, I felt so bad that I did in fact get up and get dressed...I am still grumpy and I still don't feel good but for some reason, the fact that I am dressed some how makes them feel as though I am healthy and that I am able to keep them safe.....It marvels me how their minds work.....

ON the Bright side....The cherubs have gone to bed.....My hubby and I get to have some time alone and I can climb into my bed and snuggle!

I really really need to get back to so many things on my blog...patience my friends....patience! This week I will try to cover things....Plus our 5th Gotcha Day (the day my Marie came home) is soon upon us and we have a birthday (Rose) two days after that! And just for good measure the first anniversary of our beloved cat's death is the day in between the other two events....So yes it is that perfect storm in a RAD home.....Could it get any more fun....Oh yeah....camp is about to end, too......Yes! I love my life! When I was single I was always afraid I would have an uneventful life...>HAHAHHAHAHAH.....now I pray for nothing to happen......How our lives change!

Be Well......ME

My Lucky Day!

2008-07-26T19:01:00.006-04:00

My husband was reading a book earlier this week, the author was talking about his 30th High School Reunion. He then started to count how many years he has been out of high school. 19 years.....19 years and next year would be 20 (like my math skills?). He contacted a woman from his graduating class to see what was planned for the momentous year. God clearly knew what we needed!

His classmate is someone he has always been fond of and apparently with good reason....She is now one of my favorite people, too! (J-sorry for sucking up, but you don't realize the gift you are giving us!) J* has a motel on Cape Cod. She has kindly offered us a room at her motel. The Cape is a hopping place during the summer and for her to offer to make sure we got a room during the "In Season" rocks.....

The summer can be such a long and trying time for RAD families. Our kids struggle a great deal when there isn't strict schedules that they have to adhere to. My kids hate not knowing what will happen at 11:37 am everyday. During the summer, there is no way to guarantee that the same way they can when they know exactly where their behind will be sitting at 11:37 am once September comes.

So sometimes it is nice to really throw them off and go away for the weekend! Every April we go to Vermont on a long weekend. It is so much fun but even in that we have tradition. We go the same weekend every year and every year we go to Vermont Teddy Bear Factory and the Shelburne Country Store. Every year we get a teddy bear when we are at the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory. Every year we buy "penny" candy at the Country Store. And Every Year we swim at the hotel swimming pool and stay at the same hotel. Every year we stop at the same mid way pit stop and we get gas as the same gas station. We even play the same get a dollar if you can name the Vermont state capitol. They Love it and it makes things less anxiety ridden when we have a "routine" for that trip.

When we offered this opportunity, I wasn't sure at first. But I decided that we need a break. Perhaps we will have great success and we will have another safe place to get away....Plus now I can be like everyone in Massachusetts and I can answer the what did you do this weekend question with "oh I was on the Cape" Sometimes I need "normal", too!

I was reading another mom's blog today....She is really neat! I am thankful that she found me....I have her listed in the blogs that I read (her blog is "Living with RAD"). Actually, I think every blog that I have listed is fantastic...I am sure if you enjoy mine, you would find enjoyment in theirs too! Oh yeah...about her blog....every weekend she lists something positive about her kids...I think that is such a fantastic thing because it takes the focus away from the hard times....so I am hoping she doesn't get upset but I am going to do the same.....Thanks, Brenda!

Marie: She is such a positive kid. She is extremely helpful and I enjoy all the times I get to share with her.

Rose: She is extremely good at doing chores! She excels at organizing things and folding laundry! I enjoy watching her be so exact with the folding of my clothes. She is very earnest with showing us that she can do a good job and she does!

Be Well!

The Last Lecture

2008-07-26T18:09:00.006-04:00

I am sure most you have already heard of Randy Pausch and his Carnegie Mellon University lecture. My husband and I have watched this lecture on You Tube as millions of others have. I was so struck by the simplicity of his message and how profound an effect it would have on me. I wanted to send you all the link. It is worth the time it takes to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

The Pausch Family lost Randy on Friday. His book and this lecture has left his young family a lasting and wonderful legacy.

I don't have anything profound to say, I just wanted to share something that I found to be extraordinary.

Be Well!

Can I post you?

2008-07-25T21:58:00.002-04:00

Hey, My Friends! If you have commented on my blog, I have read your blog.....I would like to add a link to your blog....Please let me know if that is alright with you!

Trauma and Loss

2008-07-24T19:25:00.005-04:00

I have spent a lot of time today thinking about trauma. Trauma and loss. I am sure my sister won't mind me telling you what she said last night. She said that coming to my house is very intense and sometimes she doesn't come around for a bit afterwards because she has to recover. I did feel bad for her because it seems as though every time she is here, there is some major drama happening. I don't know whether we have so much drama that we always have an issue going on OR she is just lucky!

This morning my daughter, Rose, was upset with me for once again setting a limit and sticking to it...(that pesky parenting that I do) I explained to her that she was given an opportunity to do what she needed to do and she chose to do the opposite of what I asked and that lead to her being unable to do what she wanted to do. She looked me in the eye and said " so you are putting this on me?" My husband and I laughed so hard. I couldn't help but laugh. She was aghast that I was putting the responsibility for her behavior on her! I wasn't even sure why she was surprised by this but today it struck me as very funny.

I suppose that story really didn't have anything to do with what I intended on talking about. My mind can be such mush sometimes. Plus I don't think you realize I started writing this blog on thursday during my lunch hour and it is now ten on friday night.

I am trying to snap myself out of this muck that I feel that I have become stuck in due to dealing with Trauma and Loss every day....Hey, I brought it back!!!!! ( I deserve the high five I just gave myself) Our kids(personally and collectively) have experienced so much trauma and loss in their young lives that it just oozes out of them. Almost like (warning, gross analogy) if you have ever seen someone that has an infected wound, where the puss just oozes out. Gross yes, but it makes sense. Infected wounds need to be cleaned over and over again, sometimes they have to be dug in and that can be soooo very painful. We have to dig into their trauma and loss to really ever begin to "clean up" their wounds.

The worst part of their wounds....No one sees them but us. Which leads to judgment and well intentioned but ridiculous advice. Which leads to its own wounds. This stuff isn't fun.

Sometimes, I have to take a step back from the behaviors and really spend a great deal of time reminding myself....This has little to do with me. It has to do with her heart being sick....And though she oozes, I am there to help clean it up and heal her past.

I thought that I would share from my heart tonight. I know it isn't full of my usual humor but this is what is in my head tonight...

How can it not when my princess spends so much of her time.....driving me crazy!!!!!

Have a fantastic evening! Be well....Until tomorrow!

Me

Mama Mia.....

2008-07-23T21:57:00.005-04:00

I saw Mama Mia tonight with my oldest daughter and my sister. The movie was terrible....we were checking our watches ten minutes in! And that was sooo disappointing considering all the fantastic actors in the movie. The best part of the movie was the time I got to spend with my oldest daughter doing something we rarely get to do....laughing so hard we couldn't breathe! Actually, truth be told...we laughed so hard....I peed my pants...literally peed my pants. It was as if we had so needed that kind of wonderful loving release that I literally could not stop myself.

I am sure that the other movie goers were less than impressed with us. We were loud and obnoxious! Soooo much fun in an awful movie....Good company equals good times.
I enjoy these times where we just get to be mom and kid and not dealing with another struggle or another hurt.

Marie got some difficult news about half an hour before we went to the movie so I know that she and I needed to giggle and snort with my sister. And the positive interaction led to her being relaxed enough to process her bad news when we got home. So on all fronts it was a much needed escape.

Be well and Have a wonderful night!

Vomit....A Plan for success......

2008-07-23T13:32:00.006-04:00

Did you know that puking could make you happy? I was also not aware of this! My sweet, clever child has learned she can achieve much in life with vomit. I have to admit, I am at a little bit of a loss with this. And at the moment, my inclination towards therapeutic parenting goes out the window.

Scenario for the day.......

We discussed Rose's diabetic state last night and her headache with super powers. When she awoke this morning, it was as though she were a Disney Princess. She was so sweet that you could imagine all of the little forest animals gathering at her feet as she flung open her cottage window and hummed a happy tune. You can see it, right? She was almost too sweet. Not something to complain about when your child is usually contrary as a normal state.

Her voice was sing songey as she dressed, gathered her lunch and brushed her teeth. She was even respectful as she asked to have yogurt instead of cereal...Good Day....She even made a crack about her "headache" last night. We had cuddle time and good times=)

Marie walked in while Rose and I were cuddling and she asked what time the movie started. Rose chirped about going swimming today and maybe when she got home we could go to get Ice Cream...You are still hearing the chirping birds right?

As fate would have it....Marie and I had changed plans and decided to go to the Mall with my friend and her brood....We were about twenty minutes into our ride when I got THE CALL.....a call I have gotten soooo many times before....."Mrs. Smith (not my real name...hahaha) Rose is in the office...She doesn't feel well....She just threw up" Of course, in my unsympathetic and crass voice I said " of course she did..."

So, I bought her chicken broth for dinner and she is in her bedroom...banished to her bed till tomorrow am....I am sure her belly did hurt after she got herself into such a state that she actually puked! She is still sleeping off the excitement...I do have to admit that it is quite upsetting to me that she does this. It is a lot of wasted time when she spends so much of her time creating misery for herself and those around her.

Here is what I really don't get. She was going to camp today..They were going swimming, she was going to have a blast. I was going to spend one on one time with Marie while she was at camp so that it would minimize the upset to her...

Minute by minute update....God just touched her and she is no longer sick...a true Christmas miracle in July. Please know that I am not being sacreligious or disrespectful to the Lord when I say that. I just know my kid.....She just told me that she was refusing to stay in her room because it was stupid. She is fine now...what is the big deal.....i said we wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had chosen to stay at camp. Unfortunately, when you chose to puke you chose your bedroom.....The door slammed...we will see what happens...

So back to camp.....so now she didnt get to go to camp, she has to stay in her bed and Marie and I are still going to see Mama Mia today while she does that....Consequences....gotta love them.....sometimes you don't need punishments when being a good mom does the trick! I mean, a good mom makes sure that her child gets plenty of rest and nourishment when they are sick.

It is like God knew I was not able to theraupetically parent her today on my own and threw me a bone. Gave me the words to show her I was only being a good mom! She can't argue with me being a good mom....Well she can...but it is much more difficult when I am doing it with that much love!

Also lest you think I am a cold heartless cow....Rose could be sick...But when Rose gets sick she is totally compliant with everything.....she is sweet and a joy when she is sick. When she is well, she is totally contrary to everything that you say to her. I love her soooo much and it pains me to see her sick BUT it is really a pain when she fakes it....and today she had a fresh mouth......so there you go....case solved, Inspector!

Thank you God!

Be well.....I am reading all of your blogs too...I love them all! You are all inspirations to me! I hope I give you something back.

Me

Jerking My Chain!

2008-07-21T20:58:00.009-04:00

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder like to be in control. Not just in control of one thing or another but in control of EVERYTHING. Which,friends, doesn't work out when the mommy is also a control freak. I have had to learn that not every battle is worth fighting. Some things it is ok for my RAD kid to control. The key is more how I remain in control...Even if it is secretly (yes i am twirling my devilishly long mustache as I say that with my evil laugh)

Tonight was just one of those great nights....Controllllllll.....Today was therapy day....Everybody was on board and participated...Sooooo guess what we had Chinese food! Bonus points. Actually they got to go to the Mall to have Chinese food at the food court. I met them there after work so we had two cars. So Marie had been on a little trip with her grandfather and as all Grampy's do...he slipped her his change....Five bucks! Grandpa rocks, right? So I felt bad so I slipped Rose two dollars....Well she tried to convince Marie that it wasn't fair that she had more money and that maybe Marie would feel better if she shared her money with Rose so it would be equal.

Finally, Marie said ..."uh no.....not falling for that again!" Rose handed me her money and apologized that she wasn't able to spend such a small amount of money....hahaha...um was I supposed to feel bad that she didn't spend it...hahahha...still laughing here! Folks...first clue.....foreshadowing.....

Rose HAS to go to camp...She has a hard time when she doesn't have a structured day.So the only way that is guaranteed during the summer is camp. She has this thing where she wants the world to see her as perfect, she behaves unbelievably well in public places. So camp is a good match for her.

Marie is more of a free spirit and although consistency is wonderful for her, she doesn't usually like to be involved in things that are too organized. She is able to amuse herself and does well in a go with the flow kind of situation...She is very much a free spirit....

So tomorrow is my day off. I am taking Marie for a treat tomorrow and we are going to the movies. We are going to see "Mama Mia". Rose heard. second clue....

When we went out to the cars, Rose ran and jumped into hubby's car. Marie hung back and got into my car.....the Trifecta for trouble.......

When we got home...Rose announced that she had a bad headache, possibly diabetes, and that she couldn't go to camp tomorrow because she was contagious. She went to the camp nurse today for these things but insisted she didn't call me because she knew I would not take time out of my day for her....When are the Oscars?

My chain was almost pulled too tight today....she had jerked it a lot..hahaha...my metaphor isn't working right now...got the picture though, right?....

I reassured her that diabetes isn't contagious and I was fairly certain that she didn't get it over night....She also said the headache was too bad for her to shower....I do have to admit when she said that I laughed. I couldn't help it...I mean, her headache gave her diabetes and a fever AND she was contagious...Plus it was making her nightly shower impossible, too. Headaches with super powers.
That is cool.....

Some days the chain jerking is so unbearable...Today, it was humorous, even though it took us forever to get her to bed. I did tell her after 45 minutes of nonsense that since she had such a hard time getting settled in for bed...that as a good mom I would be more responsible tomorrow night and we would start getting ready for bed 45 minutes earlier than usual so we could make up that time that we wasted tonight....Funny....she was in bed and asleep in ten minutes...Am I good or what?

It is all about the control...I have to learn how to maintain control....even when she isn't looking....hahahaha....Another successful day finished....Another story shared....Life is good....

I have this book that I believe is called 99 Ways to Drive Your Kids Sane. I will get the exact name and share it...Great Ideas for dealing with some of the behaviors. It is the inspiration for some of my shenanigans..Many of my lessons are lost on Rose. Her heart is still too sick to learn them, but I hope at some point funny stuff will make an impact....What a great thing for me to teach her...Laughter is such a healthy emotional release....A Good thing to teach a kid that is so angry and scared....

I got a few complaints about this blog today and several compliments. I know that I can't please everyone with what I am writing. That is Ok, everyone has the right to their opinion....But before anyone assumes they know anything from reading this, please come live in my home for 24 hours....and you, too, will be seeking the support and love of other families in similar situations. Sometimes, you find support in the most unusual places. I love all of you that send your support and comments. I truly appreciate it...I also appreciate your blogs. I am truly blessed by God for all of you! For the record, once again, my children are aware of this blog and its content. I am proud of what I am writing and I also love my children more than anything. Nothing I am saying is embarrassing or humiliating for them. It is our life and we embrace it. Secrecy and shame are not words in our vocabulary.

Please be well! Know that I thank God for you everyday!

PS...blame my husband for my grammar errors....I wasn't done when he left for work...so once again, I published this without his proof reading....Have a great night!

Betsy Ross....

2008-07-20T19:39:00.003-04:00

Who knows anything about Betsy Ross? My daughter had to do a report about Betsy Ross. At the time my daughter had convinced us that she was "simple". Under the mistaken idea of her intellectual shortcoming, my husband and I read the book to her and we basically did the report for her....Well, we didn't do the report, before all you with studious children die that we did this. We offered her suggestions, OHHHH and the teacher wanted her to dress like Betsy Ross AND make a scrapbook....

Back to Betsy Ross......Betsy Ross went against her parents and her religion to marry her husband and live a life with him. She also became very well renowned for her talents as a seamstress. Her first husband died as a result of his strong dedication to the beginnings of our country. She was quite young at the time. At that time, when a young woman became a widow, it was expected that she would go home to her family. She refused to leave the home and store she and her husband had created together. She was a talented seamstress that caught the eye of our Founding Fathers and as the story goes....she is responsible for the first flag. This is a brief story of her life and I may have mixed up some of my facts.....I am getting old and I already got the "A" so I don't need to get a grade from anyone else.

I was thinking of her because I was thinking of my oldest daughter, Marie. She has had many really traumatic, horrible things happen to her but she keeps going on. She chooses to be happy and to succeed. Betsy Ross also had that resilience. I am not so sure I have that spirit but I admire it greatly in others.

Marie has done some odd jobs for her grandfather and he gave her money for her efforts. I have been slowly and methodically giving her money to spend. Today, I gave her a small amount because we were going to Super WalMart.....Well, today was an exciting day for us.....SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Marie has waited for this day since the day of school.....She was cheering and squealing with glee.....Rose....not so much!

Back to Rose....Rose has lived with us for 29 months. She has some academic delays. Mostly from all of her moves during her time in Foster Care. We actually were concerned about her having some sort of global intellectual delays. She couldn't do basic math equations. She couldn't read a book or write sentences. It was compounded by the fact that she became so frustrated by her shortcomings, that she has monumental meltdowns.....

In Massachusetts we have testing in our school systems called MCAS. It is actually testing that is done that determines by the results what type of funding the school is eligible for. It is really a litmus test for how good our teachers are, BUT an inordinate amount of pressure is put on the children to perform well. They get pep talks about the proper food you should eat the morning of the testing, how much sleep you should be having, and that if you do poorly on this test....well your future is in the toilet....Seriously....no joke this is the pressure they put on kids....

I have a rule in my house....I don't care about grades...I care about effort and doing the best that you can do. If if is a hard earned C-, I am good with it, if the teacher says you did your best.....this has sort of bitten me in the bum.....

This has allowed Marie to blossom...Knowing that I will be proud as long as she tries....She is on the honor roll and quite successful....

My dear sweet Rosey...Not so much....She swore she was doing her best with her D- in math. She cried when she got her report card and seemed sincerely upset at her failure....I tried so hard ...I felt for the kid...I was sad that she was so "simple". My husband and I went to many meetings and endured multiple phone calls. The teacher calling us telling us how hard she tried but that she was struggling academically....Once I even got a call trying to blame me for her poor MCAS scores. I told that teacher that it was a reflection on her if Rose sucked in Math not me. She was the teacher not me...and OH...I had bigger fish to fry with this kid than 1+1. So I didn't win points with that teacher.

So...one day she came home from school with a 100% on a spelling test...While the whole 9 months before she never got more than a 60%. Then another day I was doing something with my checkbook (I am simple in math) and I asked my husband to do the math for me...and she answered the question...hmmmmmm...weird....

So we did this experiment with her....(please don't have a stroke with my very unorthodox experiments) I told her that my experiment was a one time deal. She could have $20 if she could do all of her homework in less than 20 minutes. Rules were that she had to show that she had truly attempted to do the math problem. It didn't have to be correct, but she had to explain the theory behind the answer she gave and that she could get no help from us. The reason for the money was that I had to use something that she would find valuable. Good work and self pride was not valuable to her. She finished in less than 20 mins and got 80% of it correct with NO HELP! The incorrect answers were because she was rushing and as my husband corrected them, she told him the answer before he told her.....SOOOOO..

For more than two years everyone thought she was intellectually limited. Teachers included! When in fact, she was playing games. Jerking our chains....She felt that if she just said she couldn't long enough...everyone would just do it for her....And you know what....THEY DID....Her jig was up....I hugged her and I told her how proud of her I was. In spite of her best efforts, she was indeed normal intellectually and that no matter what....we now knew she was smart.....Do you know....we never had another issue regarding homework the last five weeks of school.....

Who puts that much effort into lazy? She was dedicated! Man, I pride myself as an experienced mom of RAD kids, on not being easily scammed....She soooooo was in control of that....

By the way....I am not politically correct. I don't purposely want to offend anyone but if you are easily offended...I may not be the blog for you....I write as I talk....I am sincere and open.....I appreciate positive feedback....And I have no interest in haters....My world is too full and too wonderful to waste my time with silly drama...I have enjoyed those of you that have left messages...I am also enjoying your blogs...I like to see how others have victories and struggles of their own. So you guys rock.....!

Be Well....and May God bless you!

Love Story

2008-07-19T16:44:00.007-04:00

I think that there are many times that I forget the love part of my relationship with Rose and Marie. I spend an inordinate amount of time in this struggle with them. Me always trying to remain in control and to show them love, and they are always trying to remain in control and proving that I don't love them.

I read in another blog about how much trauma and loss are part of adoption. I have to ask her permission before I post a link to her blog, but she is so correct. Loss on the part of my husband and I, as we were not able to conceive on our own and a greater loss on their part. They lost their birth families and everything they hold to be real.

Then the Foster Care system tosses them around telling them to feel happy that they are living here or there....It must be so very sad for them to worry daily whether this will be the day that the social worker brings them to a new family and new family they are supposed to like. Then at some point they are told that they are going to get a new family that they have to live with forever and they should really love them and think it is super groovy that this family wants them forever.

When in fact, the child feels a lot of anger that you want them to live with you and they are even angrier that you want to love them. The world sees their birth family as inappropriate and harmful. They don't see it that way, they see it as the only family they ever had. I feel as though I haven't done this justice and again I am oversimplifying this. But I also don't feel that I can get to personal with some information, as it is not fair to my children.

Both of my daughters have been gifts from God for my husband and I. As I mentioned, we were not able to conceive our own children. I truly believe that God has a path for each of us. It was sad when I learned that I would not be able to have biological children, but God made a way. My children are my destiny. My calling is raising them.

I was very naive when Marie came to us. I was assured that she was not RAD and that she would easily be able bond with us. I said I was Naive! Within two weeks of moving in, her war against loving us began. Again, this is about my romance so I won't go into detail but after much crying we found a therapist that was as committed to her being a part of our family as we were. The day her adoption was finalized was the day it appeared Marie became reconciled with her past and the hope of her future.

Although, bringing Rose and her trauma in our home brought back the many hurts and losses Marie has experienced, she remains committed to her own emotional well being. She still has her many ups and downs, but I know that she will succeed.

As we felt that we had successfully helped Marie heal, we decided to add another child to our home. Seriously folks...no one told me that a new kid's trauma could trigger the old kid's trauma....Lessons are learned the hard way sometimes!

We were also reassured with Rose that she did have RAD and that she was an angel. I wanted to believe that they were telling me the truth. I mean, I saw her innocent loving face and I was truly in love with her. And if she was not RAD, that meant she could share that love also. Alas, my peeps, there is no child that leaves foster care unscathed. She is charming and beautiful, so no one ever had an inkling of her trauma and the darkness she felt in her heart.

Again, didn't I tell you this was my love story? Not much for romance....huh? I guess I am learning that our love story is neither happy nor sad alone. It is both....mixed in with hurt, disappointment, anger, joy, victory and laughter. I started this blog wanting to share a story that was like "awwwww, what a feel good story...." I suppose we haven't achieved that yet....

But here is something to think about, if you don't have adopted children. You are all strangers at the beginning. There are social workers that match you that tell you "Mom, Dad, meet your kid" "Kid, meet your mom and dad" " Visit for awhile and then you will live together and love each other and you will share your lives together" When you give birth, you have the child from the moment he/she is born. All of your experiences are shared. Adopted kids have many points of reference that are different from yours....No wonder we have blips! Where did I mean to go with that?

My point is, even with the deck seemingly stacked against us. On some level we are succeeding. Having children with RAD has taught me many meaningful lessons. One of the greatest has been that success has many faces and even the little ones can be the most meaningful.....

Sorry if I was too all over the map today. I wanted to say so many things and I was becoming too wordy.

Be well......I truly appreciate all of you that are reading my blog and sharing with me.

God Bless you!

The Circle of Life

2008-07-17T10:54:00.002-04:00

We can learn lessons from Disney. Did you know that? You can. For instance "The Lion King" taught me about the circle of life. I guess being a human being will teach you the same thing. Life is not linear, it is cyclical and there are good times and bad times. Well, my peeps, I am having a bad time. Please stick with me! I won't use this blog as a way to be a big fat baby, but I am also learning that this is my release. Having a challenging child is quite stressful and this is my release. I am enjoying the comments and I hope that you know I enjoy them very much!

We need each other in this vast universe that we are navigating with our Adopted children who have shared experiences. It is not a failure to share your experiences and to hurt when your child hurts. So please keep in touch with me...I LOVE hearing from you!

Brain Power!

2008-07-16T22:44:00.005-04:00

I literally think this is how my kid's brain looks....I think that there has to be that much electricity going on. Some one so hell bent on being toxic and destructive has to have some serious electricity going on upstairs.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I decided perhaps we were not doing enough for my dear little tornado. We thought that we have experienced Attachment Therapy which was honestly so very helpful and such a gift of an experience for my husband and I. Tornado girl decided it was of no use to her and has completely checked out of being a participating part of any therapeutic situation.

It must be so very exhausting to be so dedicated to the misery of herself and those who want to love her. I know I am exhausted and I don't live in her head. It makes me so very sad to think of the amount of neglect and abuse that must have been experienced by her for her to be this truly disturbed. But that isn't always at the front of my head when she is screaming and in a rage.

Back to our bright idea. Anyone that has been involved in the life of a child classified as having mental illness or having a psychiatric issue, knows the level of frustration in getting services. In our home state, the only way to really convince them to do a med overhaul or to have any real psych testing done, the patient has to be admitted. And the only way to be admitted is through the Emergency Room. And as everyone saw from the Video of the woman that died in the waiting room of a psych ER, you spend hours and hours waiting to be seen. Sometimes they are truly that busy, but I truly believe that more often than not they have you wait for endless hours because they want the patient to calm down before they deal with them.

I understand that it is easier to get historical information when some one is calm but once they are calm, they no longer meet criteria to be admitted. Which is frustrating when you have a very clever, manipulative child that knows the system and easily fools ER staff and you make multiple trips to the ER. So, see the frustration....

Darn it...Off topic..This blog makes my mind go so fast...I have so much I want to share....I have enough topics for years of blogs!

Back to topic! We thought that maybe anOther option would be to have an extensive psychological assessment done by Neuropsychologist! My husband thought perhaps she would benefit from Neurofeedback. There was a question about insurance covering the extremely expensive testing...Good News! It does! Yay us! I am sure he wanted to do an assessment on me when he listened to the message I left him. I was so excited that perhaps we can gain more information that will yield more success with her. Someone out there must understand how exciting those types of things can be exciting....

My little Rosie is such a struggle. Even in therapy she is belligerent, uncooperative and generally unable to make any type of strides. She has created such thick walls! When we were leaving her session and she told me that she was walking down the stairs and not taking the elevator. So I said to her.."OK that is good I think that it would be best for you to walk down the stairs. See you downstairs" She looks at me, turns toward the stairs then turns around and gets in the elevator with us. A RAD brain at its best! See, she spends a lot of energy and she is sooooo dedicated to being oppositional....even when it is exactly what I really wanted....

It made us all laugh....Have to smile when you can....Sometimes they can't help but be funny!

Be Well! God Bless you for your support and for reading my ramblings!

PS- Forgive my grammar deficits...it is late and my husband isn't at home to proof read this....I love you, honey!

Hugging a Porcupine!

2008-07-15T19:28:00.004-04:00

Sounds like quite a feat, right? Those pesky quills! Loving a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is quite similar to hugging a porcupine. When you get close to a porcupine, it uses its quills as a defense mechanism. The quills are a way to protect it from perceived danger. A RAD kid has quills....deadly quills. So many of them have been so neglected and traumatized that they have keenly honed their talents with manipulation.

I find that my youngest child has deadly quills. To the outside world, she is charming and beautiful. She has deftly learned that people respond to her victim act, so she is really good at appearing to need to be rescued. As a beautiful child, people find her helpless act as being attractive and they want to help her with everything. Which is frustrating to me as I know the truth.

Back to her quills....hahaha....you should see my puncture wounds....too many to even count at this point. She is so keyed in on being in survival mode that no matter what happens, she has her foot half way out the door AND she is making nasty comments while she leaves. She used to just tell me that she hated me and that I was a bad mom...I became quite immune to such silly attempts at provoking my anger. She has upped the ante...Now she goes directly for my jugular.

It becomes the eternal struggle between what I think is good and her determination to destroy it. I know in my rational mind that she is traumatized and it is just bleeding out for me to help her. BUT my emotional mind becomes angry and bitter with the continuous barrage of abuse she dishes on me....Why oh why can I not be more mature about this....Shouldn't I be able to just deal with it and not let it affect me?

Alas, my peeps, I am not perfect and no, I can't always deal with this effectively. I am loving her unconditionally, keeping her safe, and doing everything with in my power to help her heal....Beyond that...nothing else I can do....So as I get frustrated and think I am going to have a brain aneurysm, I have to remember....Lighten up and remember I am doing a good job....

Like my pep talk...I needed it.....

Hugging a porcupine is harder than it looks AND I am tired from it....

Be well....Me

Penguins Rock!

2008-07-14T23:22:00.007-04:00

I have a confession.....I haven't written in over a week because I have been in a less than stellar mood. My little wonder, Rose, has truly put me through the paces. To the point that I am .....oh never mind.....Time to move on!

Sunday I was given the opportunity to escape from her perpetual wheel of poisoning for a few hours. The day start quite poorly but ended quite well! We went to the New England Aquarium in Boston.....We started out by taking the "T" in because Rose has never been on the subway...What kind of mom doesn't expose their kid to the subway...Um certainly not a mom that loves to people watch!

The city is working on the specific subway line we were on so we had to leave the underground and get on a bus....For those of you that have not experienced Boston streets....They are even scarier when you and your children are standing up in a bus with a freaky bus drive starting and stopping with CRAZY traffic.....But never the less, My baby sister, my two girls,and I safely made it to our first destination....After a seriously over priced lunch at Quincy Market, we walked to the wharf.

By the way....the weather was to die for! Sunny, warm and breezy...Perfection!

I love the Aquarium....I love animals...I am addicted to the show "Growing Up" on the Animal Channel....and I love National Geographic channel, too...I am addicted to most of these reality shows (another blog)....so I love sharks, seals, and other cute fishies....Mostly I love Penguins!

We have adopted penguins as our Forever Family mascot. My kids have both endured great abondonment in their lives. At every turn, they are panicked that they will be just be left....anywhere....grocery stores, library, in the elevator of our building....always ....So I decided to use penguins....Penguins mate for life. They choose one mate for life and never change their minds. In fact, when their mate dies, they are usually so devastated that they lay next to them until they die. Forever means forever.....Of course, Rose did ask if she had to lay next to me and die when I die...because I might smell yucky....(still makes me chuckle)

So now we are Penguin Mommy and Penguin Daddy....and our Penguin Family is forever...It has been the best way to illustrate Forever to kids that have never experienced that before....I bought them each a plush Penguin and btw, my 14 yo daughter has it stuffed in the bottom of her messy, stinky teen backpack....Just she and I know it is there....

Penguins are awesome....and the lessons they helped me teach is pretty important...Rose doesn't quite get it....Maybe she won't for many, many, many years....But Marie understands and I count that as a win for me!

I hope you have a wonderful day....

Be Well and God Bless you!

PS...I have a couple neat pictures of penguins...but Blogspot is having an internal error and won't let me upload the pics....soon I promise...I need sleep now!

Independence Day

2008-07-04T09:37:00.006-04:00

My family wishes you a very Happy and Safe 4th of July! May you take a moment to reflect on the wonderful freedoms that we have as Americans and to remember all of those that have sacrificed for our freedoms over the last 230+ years.

God Bless America! And should any Veteran happen upon this, Thank you so much for your sacrifice and your love for our Great Country!

I love Vacation!

2008-07-03T13:13:00.003-04:00

I have to admit that I love being on vacation! I have never said that before! I like being at work. I like the women I work with and I like what I do. And I like talking to adults. Being home can be challenging so I enjoy the break that work brings me.

I have been off this week. I haven't done anything of any consequence, yet I have done something that every parent should do. I have been kind to myself and given myself permission to relax and think about my needs and wants for a little bit!

Now I get to seem as though I am self sacrificing yet I am being totally selfish. I am going to take the kiddos to the pool and play in the water for as long as I want. I have to be honest....It really is fun to have children. You get to watch fun movies, you get to laugh at gas, tell silly stories and act absolutely ridiculous. All the while your child is smiling and giggling and you get to be part of the memories that those silly moments create.

We have had our friend's daughter staying with us while she has been in the hospital and she is such a sweet kid. It makes me consider adding another child to our home...Then I remember kids come with issues and my house has enough issues already....so never mind...I will just steal K now and then....

Have a fun filled, giggle filled day! Be well.....

Me