My little Rosie. I love her. I am not sure that is really something that I hide. But perhaps as the mom of a RADical, I appear hostile and unloving. It isn't unloving or hostility that I am feeling. It is truly the frustration of loving a child and that child spending every moment of their life rejecting your efforts. It is the frustration of having a child appear to attack you and abuse you (verbally and in some cases, physically) every waking moment. It is the frustration of dedicating your life to their healing and everyone judging your parenting skills and assuming you are off your rocker.
My frustration is like the ebb and flow of the water. Sometimes, she is particularly toxic and it feels as though I have been engulfed in a tidal wave. Then, she gets it together and the water is gone. I feel peaceful and serene. I truly think in these times, God gives me the gift of memory loss.
I am not sure if anyone else ever feels this way. When she is raging, I feel as though I could drown and that it can never get better. She overwhelms me with her rage. But when we are in our good times, I am able to sit back and see the bigger picture. God grants me the grace to "forget". Of course, I don't really forget. I know what has happened and I remember how painful it was. But I am able to let go of it and I allow myself to feel HOPE again!
During Attachment Therapy, they always encouraged Cuddle Time. A time when I am supposed to hold Rose like an infant. It creates intimacy between us. She fights it most of the time. She is rigid or screams till she goes limp from exhaustion. The only time I can coax her into it is when I bribe her with M&M's or pudding or a sippy cup of chocolate milk. Otherwise, there is no gain for her.
In the past, the only time she asked for cuddle time was when she knew we had a good snack I might ply her with. And she only wanted it for as long as she thought I wanted to get her something she wanted. Needless to say, this constant manipulation makes me less than thrilled when she approaches me. My issue not hers. But still it strains the situation sometimes.
Then the water goes back out to sea and she asks me tonight for cuddle time. She had already had snack. I said yes. She laid on my lap and snuggled very close to me. She looked in my eyes and she was less rigid than usual. She never asked for a goodie. She held me close and she felt so very close to human. (does that make sense?) A little victory. Small but powerful.
These are the times that I know we can keep going. We can keep trying to create a healed family. We aren't going to be a war zone forever. Thank you, God, for my renewed hope!
Her therapist is gone for two weeks to get married and go on a honeymoon. Really, is this fair? She did offer to take me with her so I could have a break. As tempting as a trip to Hawaii is, it would be a romance killer for her. The hubby won't be so thrilled. =)
Have a great night and Be Well.
