What I like about you......

The Girls were in rare form today.....More meltdowns than if we had 8 toddlers!

When we got back from Therapy, I had the girls get ready for bed and we were having a family meeting in the living room.....After a long period of time, we met back in the living room. Marie said that she was feeling very sad today and asked if we could do the "Five Things" game.

The "Five Things" Game is where each person writes down five positive things about all of the other members of the family. The rules are they can't be non specific things like "she is a good person", it can't be something like "it is funny when she/he farts" or anything else that is really a put down and it can't be a physical attribute. Tonight, I added a twist. They also had to list five good things about themselves.

Marie is very quick and always proud of her answers. When we do this exercise she is quick with her answers and they are always good things. I enjoy the fact that she gets into this stuff. She loves to contribute to our family in a positive way.....She loves to give and receive compliments. Which is just really a joy!

Rose really struggles with this entire exercise. Which is very telling as to where her mind and heart are at this point. She has no self esteem or any sense of self worth which led to her having a very difficult time with giving and receiving compliments. It breaks my heart to watch her struggle with a seemingly simple way to bond as a family....

Even with Rose's struggles, it still remains a very fruitful exercise. It is a break from the seemingly endless train of tantrums and rude comments. We all get the opportunity to sit down and remember the wonderful things we all bring to the table. It is a way for us to feel good about ourselves and to feel good about our fellow family members. Yay me for the idea!

During therapy today, Rose's therapist said we are really doing everything that we can do to help her, it comes down to her willingness to get better. She really isn't there yet.....But on the bright side....her therapist is young and said she will be around for many years.....HAHAHA.....so we have years to deal with this stuff.....it felt good to know that someone else thought we were doing the right things.....It always makes me happy to know that the issue remains on Rose's end and it isn't our lack of parenting skills. We just continue to pray that she has the "Eureka" moment and we can collectively begin to heal as a family.

My husband and I truly enjoy our time alone when the girls go to bed. It is our saving grace. We are so blessed that we have this time alone to enjoy each other and share our quiet times together. I am truly thankful that we have each other on this journey. It is a great comfort to know that we are stuck here together for this grand adventure!

Be Well!

Me

Betsy Ross....

Who knows anything about Betsy Ross? My daughter had to do a report about Betsy Ross. At the time my daughter had convinced us that she was "simple". Under the mistaken idea of her intellectual shortcoming, my husband and I read the book to her and we basically did the report for her....Well, we didn't do the report, before all you with studious children die that we did this. We offered her suggestions, OHHHH and the teacher wanted her to dress like Betsy Ross AND make a scrapbook....

Back to Betsy Ross......Betsy Ross went against her parents and her religion to marry her husband and live a life with him. She also became very well renowned for her talents as a seamstress. Her first husband died as a result of his strong dedication to the beginnings of our country. She was quite young at the time. At that time, when a young woman became a widow, it was expected that she would go home to her family. She refused to leave the home and store she and her husband had created together. She was a talented seamstress that caught the eye of our Founding Fathers and as the story goes....she is responsible for the first flag. This is a brief story of her life and I may have mixed up some of my facts.....I am getting old and I already got the "A" so I don't need to get a grade from anyone else.

I was thinking of her because I was thinking of my oldest daughter, Marie. She has had many really traumatic, horrible things happen to her but she keeps going on. She chooses to be happy and to succeed. Betsy Ross also had that resilience. I am not so sure I have that spirit but I admire it greatly in others.

Marie has done some odd jobs for her grandfather and he gave her money for her efforts. I have been slowly and methodically giving her money to spend. Today, I gave her a small amount because we were going to Super WalMart.....Well, today was an exciting day for us.....SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Marie has waited for this day since the day of school.....She was cheering and squealing with glee.....Rose....not so much!

Back to Rose....Rose has lived with us for 29 months. She has some academic delays. Mostly from all of her moves during her time in Foster Care. We actually were concerned about her having some sort of global intellectual delays. She couldn't do basic math equations. She couldn't read a book or write sentences. It was compounded by the fact that she became so frustrated by her shortcomings, that she has monumental meltdowns.....

In Massachusetts we have testing in our school systems called MCAS. It is actually testing that is done that determines by the results what type of funding the school is eligible for. It is really a litmus test for how good our teachers are, BUT an inordinate amount of pressure is put on the children to perform well. They get pep talks about the proper food you should eat the morning of the testing, how much sleep you should be having, and that if you do poorly on this test....well your future is in the toilet....Seriously....no joke this is the pressure they put on kids....

I have a rule in my house....I don't care about grades...I care about effort and doing the best that you can do. If if is a hard earned C-, I am good with it, if the teacher says you did your best.....this has sort of bitten me in the bum.....

This has allowed Marie to blossom...Knowing that I will be proud as long as she tries....She is on the honor roll and quite successful....

My dear sweet Rosey...Not so much....She swore she was doing her best with her D- in math. She cried when she got her report card and seemed sincerely upset at her failure....I tried so hard ...I felt for the kid...I was sad that she was so "simple". My husband and I went to many meetings and endured multiple phone calls. The teacher calling us telling us how hard she tried but that she was struggling academically....Once I even got a call trying to blame me for her poor MCAS scores. I told that teacher that it was a reflection on her if Rose sucked in Math not me. She was the teacher not me...and OH...I had bigger fish to fry with this kid than 1+1. So I didn't win points with that teacher.

So...one day she came home from school with a 100% on a spelling test...While the whole 9 months before she never got more than a 60%. Then another day I was doing something with my checkbook (I am simple in math) and I asked my husband to do the math for me...and she answered the question...hmmmmmm...weird....

So we did this experiment with her....(please don't have a stroke with my very unorthodox experiments) I told her that my experiment was a one time deal. She could have $20 if she could do all of her homework in less than 20 minutes. Rules were that she had to show that she had truly attempted to do the math problem. It didn't have to be correct, but she had to explain the theory behind the answer she gave and that she could get no help from us. The reason for the money was that I had to use something that she would find valuable. Good work and self pride was not valuable to her. She finished in less than 20 mins and got 80% of it correct with NO HELP! The incorrect answers were because she was rushing and as my husband corrected them, she told him the answer before he told her.....SOOOOO..

For more than two years everyone thought she was intellectually limited. Teachers included! When in fact, she was playing games. Jerking our chains....She felt that if she just said she couldn't long enough...everyone would just do it for her....And you know what....THEY DID....Her jig was up....I hugged her and I told her how proud of her I was. In spite of her best efforts, she was indeed normal intellectually and that no matter what....we now knew she was smart.....Do you know....we never had another issue regarding homework the last five weeks of school.....

Who puts that much effort into lazy? She was dedicated! Man, I pride myself as an experienced mom of RAD kids, on not being easily scammed....She soooooo was in control of that....


By the way....I am not politically correct. I don't purposely want to offend anyone but if you are easily offended...I may not be the blog for you....I write as I talk....I am sincere and open.....I appreciate positive feedback....And I have no interest in haters....My world is too full and too wonderful to waste my time with silly drama...I have enjoyed those of you that have left messages...I am also enjoying your blogs...I like to see how others have victories and struggles of their own. So you guys rock.....!

Be Well....and May God bless you!

RADical Blanket

Do you like my blanket? Isn't it fantastic. I decided I have appeared slightly glum so I wanted to share my new pet project.....

I have many miles to go before I sleep..(my homage to 9th grade English w/ Ms. Sullivan) I have literally only done about 20 rows. It is over 6 feet wide....

Talk about ambitious. I am crocheting it but I have to be seriously honest....I only know how to do single and double loop stitches (i know that is incorrect wording) so it is not very fancy.

Marie loves it. I think it is because it is made like her mind works. It is colorful, expansive, and it has a random pattern that no one else can follow. But she and I know what it means. We are choosing the colors together.

I call it the RADical Blanket for a reason. My kids are very engaged in their own healing and we pride ourselves on the level of honesty we maintain with the girls. RAD kids can be oppositional, defiant and their actions can seemingly be random and nonsensical. When in fact every action is quite calculated on their part and is part of unraveling the hurt and trauma they have experienced.

So my blankie is in homage to my girls and their continued healing! Like her this blanket is random and seems nonsensical.....Yet it is my labor of love for her. To show her that I love her and embrace her no matter what.

They are giggling because it is soooo long. I want it to keep her warm long into her adulthood. They marvel at how cool the colors look....I want her to smile every time she remembers our trips to buy the most random colors we could find....And they tease me because I don't really know what I am doing.....I want her to realize that even though it isn't perfect...it is the only one in the entire world that looks like it..... And she is one of a kind, too!!!!

I imagine this may take years to finish...since I happen to have a random brain myself...But it is ok..This might be the perfect graduation present....as long as it is in a new car or money is taped to it....hahhahaha Come on....who am I kidding....She will be 18.......

By the way....Today was a good day...it started a little sketchy...but once they realized that they don't have to stay stuck and that today was a new day....Things looked up...We had a great day...AND isn't that what life is about...enjoying those great days....It is what I hold onto when the days aren't so great....

Be well and keep a smile on your face, Sunshine!

Me

Security Cameras......

What those security officers at Target must see on a daily basis....Wedgie picking, nose picking....me picking my battles!

Marie has a mood disorder beyond her RAD. So she is super fun! (sarcasm is my best coping mechanism) So she can have mood "cycles" rapidly within one day. By rapid cycling, I mean she can be up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, and up again....before lunch.....so imagine a whole day of that....Most of the time she is able to self regulate with the help of her medication...But some days......not so much....today was a not so much kind of day....

We spent our day searching for cold places to be. We went to the movies with my sister (holla!) then went out to eat and after that Target. Target was a bad idea after such a long day but I just needed to get some juice boxes for Rose's field day.

Rose's shorts are too long for the heat...and Marie can't go on her field trip to Boston without an MP3 player....(she has lost three others...so don't feel too bad for her) I told them both no...Marie had a meltdown....In the middle of Target....I walked for awhile as she stomped her feet and huffed and puffed....

It became fairly annoying....So I found the outdoor furniture section and found a lovely lounge chair...I plopped my butt down and picked this battle......My husband took alittle coaxing but decided he would like to try out the lounge chair, too....She whined and bellowed. Threatened to leave the store and pretended to begin to destroy store property. We sat there unaffected by her drama...Inside I was like, HOLY COW....I hope the store manager doesn't kick us out.

Eventually, she calmed down and let me know that she was having a tough time regulating herself and that she needed help....(BTW, no duh) After an hour, I was able to go ahead and shop....crisis averted! And now I am proud of myself! I didn't get sucked in. She knows my buttons and is very good at pushing them...But I got it right this time! Yeah me!

The girls know about the blog. And Rose so desperately wants to be the center of the blog that at the restaurant she was trying new material. I didn't realize it at first, I just thought she was being obnoxious. After the third time of her saying...."mommy, daddy did you hear what i just said? it was some funny stuff! did you hear? did you hear?" I realized I have a stand up in my house.....albeit one that will get eggs and drinks thrown at her, she is trying....

On a side note...If you have little kids, I don't recommend "Kung Fu Panda" It has quite a bit of violence and some rude conversations. I am all for some sarcasm but I guess I have a problem with a movie that is geared towards kids that has so much fresh dialog...Sarcasm works for adults but kids movies...not so much...

Have a great Monday!

Keepin' it Real!

So this is my fourth post....Pretty proliferative as of now. I am impressed with myself. So heres the thing I am already struggling with....

Being Real. I have been called abrasive, rude, abrupt, snotty, and down right obnoxious. And I don't agree with most of those. I only claim to be abrasive. The rest I am not. If you know me, you can agree. But these words are slung at me because I am Real. Unbelievably, brutally honest. About everything!

So here is my struggle. Some people view that as being negative or harsh. And I am sure it can be offputting to some. BUT honestly, it is me being real. I state things as they are without emotional attachment to what I am saying. And my concern is that this could be misinterpreted as complaining or being unhappy.

And that is not true. For the record, I am very happy. I have an amazing husband that is faithful and kind and smart and wonderful. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a loving support system and an amazingly wonderful and understanding boss ( are you reading this one?)

As for complaining....It serves no purpose. It doesn't change things, it affects your physical and mental wellbeing, and it makes you unbearable to be near. I chose my life willingly. Yes, I was naive and had no idea how difficult this would be....But I still chose my life so there is no reason for me to complain.

I want to use my words to share my feelings, whether I am frustrated or gleeful, and to maybe inspire another mom that is struggling. I am very real....Every therapist we have ever met has always been totally impressed at how open and honest I am about where we are emotionally. I am proud to say you always know where you stand with me.....I am me.....

I hope you enjoy the journey that we will take together if you decide to continue to read. I have really wanted to share my experiences and my life's passion for a long way. I don't.....maybe this is the warm up for my bestselling book....I already have the title!

Have a great night!

Chinese Food Saved My Life!

I am going to really write a book some day that I name this. At the very least, it will force people to pick up the book and read the inside front panel. And then they will be hooked on my charm and massively entertaining way of writing! And do I have stories to share....

Of note, I am not using the correct first names for my children. I think it is only fair that no one can google their names and find them. In a normal circumstance, it would not matter but I will not sacrifice that much of their privacy. Also, they know that I am writing this blog and support me completely. By the way....If it makes them remotely famous...they are totally in favor of it!

When Marie moved in with us, she was an extremely spirited 9 year old. I was a very naive and inexperienced 28 year old first time mom. We were a fun pair. She the queen of scam, me her court fool. (She has learned over the years, I am the Queen and she is my wonderful princess....Chain of command rocks! That is later!)

Back to my rookie year. She had a therapist the moment she moved in. They were not compatible. Nothing was ever accomplished and about two months in she fervently encouraged us return her to DSS. I was aghast and was quite thankful when she told us to find a new therapist. Which was not an easy feat for my spirited child!

Did you hear that I say she was spirited? So after an extensive search we met her therapist, T. T was still an intern but would take Marie on as a patient under the supervision of another therapist. I reluctantly agreed. Marie was briefly hospitalized and quite hostile during her first visit with her new therapist. T opened the door after ten minutes and asked us to leave.

I thought I would die!.... Who gets suspended from therapy....Isnt that why you go to therapy....? Marie was so proud of herself and I wanted to cry.....The next week came....And therapy was at 4:00. Marie wasn't interested in therapy but was totally into what she was eating for dinner. She confidently said " I want chinese food"

So being the brave wack job that I am, I told her if she was nice to T and talked about her feelings....we would buy chinese....

"Promise?"

I said yes....My husband was like you can't bribe her.....I was like...Yeah I can! So amazingly enough she talked about her feelings....was nice and well behaved....YES! (I high fived myself in my head)

So she got chinese food AND almost every week since then if she does work in therapy, she gets chinese food. It works with Rose, too. Even in the middle of a full out tirade, if i whisper chinese food, we are back on track. Marie and Rose have talked about some of the most traumatic, horrific things and dealt with the pain to get chinese food....Talk about dedication!....

So that is why I love chinese food....I will always love chinese.....So here is to many more years at the mall food court! Cheers.....

It has been a long time!

Aren't they absolutely adorable? I mean there they are, hugging tightly. Marie has her eyes closed and she is completely embracing Rose as any wonderful, thoughtful older sister. And there is Rose hugging Marie but not quite embracing the closeness as readily. Here is where I live. In this picture, my life is. We started this blog as a way to sort of educate and encourage others but I am not sure where I want to go now. I need an outlet. Also, who knows, perhaps someone out there will empathize or share in my struggles and joys....

Both of my girls are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Which essentially means that they were unable to make a significant attachment/bond with their primary caregiver. (i.e. their birthmother) This attachment may not be made because the baby has some type sickness which precludes the parent from being able to properly fulfill the infants needs. But more likely it is because of a birthparent that is neglectful and/or abusive. As the child learns that they must fulfill their own needs, they become more and more distrustful of those taking care of them and they bury their need/desire for human contact and/or learn to use any tact necessary to fulfill their own needs. As they do this they begin to lie, manipulate, and steal to get their needs fulfilled, regardless if there is a responsible , loving adult there to fulfill those needs. Of course, this is oversimplified. I realize that. But how much can I really tell you..... a better place for information is www.nancythomasparenting.org or www. attach.org......

I am sharing alot by sharing this. There can be alot of stigma that happens when you are parenting a child like this. AND this is not the place to air all of our dirty laundry. So I won't discuss anything that will embarrass my daughters. But some things I will share...And I will definitely share the good things...BECAUSE everyone should get to hear the good things. Back to the stigma. My kids have a tendency to show me their feelings through behaviors. We never get a "Gee Mom I feel......." I get candy missing, my iPod missing, a class skipped, or lots of fresh words....If I am really lucky, "I hate you" gets interjected in for safe measure. And these behaviors are tedious, embarrassing, and scary. And they make people frustrated and uncomfortable. When people have these feelings, they recoil and tend to disappear. Which makes for a lonely place, sometimes. In defense of their behavior, their behavior always means something. They never steal for the thrill of it or lie because they can. They do these things because it freaks them out that I love them and that I am not going anywhere. They do it to make sure that I can keep them safe no matter how unsafe they are. They do it because they love me, too! That is a concept that I have the hardest time with...That the more horrible they appear to be, the more frightened they are because they know they love me, too. Which is amazing! Of course, we must retrain them so that they don't continue to do the things that they do. But it is a start.... Man did I get off on a tangent....

Well, that is alot of information and now I am exhausted as I sit here and take in what I just shared. I am eliminating my own feelings of shame and guilt. Please feel free to share anything you wish with me. I will make my email address available for anyone who reads this.

Most sincerely,
Me