Choosing My Family

We are counting down the days till Rosie comes home.....We are at like 3 days! 3 days! Gazooks!

I am excited! She has been out of the home for five plus months. I miss cuddling with her. She has always been my cuddle monkey! I am hopeful that her time away from us was not wasted. I am hopeful that she realizes that life has more to offer her than the misery of her past. I love her. She is my child, I simply love her. I love her for who she is with all of her promise and her many struggles. All of the good and bad make her the special child she is!

I am indifferent. She has been gone a long time and it has been quiet while she has been gone. I am apprehensive because she is still the same person. No matter the length of time she has been gone....she still has the same personality. Some things are ingrained. I have fear because those primal wounds are not healed yet. There is still the fear of her cutting words and her violent outbursts.

So I sit here trying to reconcile all of my feelings. I go through times where I second guess myself. Other times I make deals with myself in my mind. I scold myself for the not so fuzzy feeling feelings and I scold myself for the very fuzzy feelings. I mean what kind of mother dreads the return of her little girl? And what kind of bafoon is excited about the return of their captor?

The mother of a RADling is who!

These thoughts keep me awake at night. I spend my time to and from work reliving every moment and every conversation we have had. I review the reports in my mind. I know the facts back and forth. I know the prognosis and I know what we are up against.

So once again we welcome her home, praying for the best but realizing that we must temper our excitement with realism. She will have to practice her new skills over and over again. She will mess up. I anticipate she will mess up lots and lots in the first several weeks or months. But I still have Hope and Faith!

Tonight, I am praying that God touch her heart and help her to melt her frozen heart. It is time for Rosie to heal! May God help her to realize that she is ready to heal. She is safe and loved, now it is her turn!

Have a Great Night!

If I were a drinker, I would be in trouble.......

Wow....isn't that a provacative title? Don't worry....I am not over imbibing...I actually don't drink at all. Personal choice that was further solidified when my two children became part of my family. Having alcoholic/drug addicted parents caring for you can really mess you up so I chose to eliminate that fear from their life and not drink simple as that....

But it is really one of those days....If I did drink...I would be three sheets to the wind by now. Having a tough time with little Rosie once again. She doesn't quite get a few concepts that I feel are quite obvious. Then there is a part of me that thinks perhaps her poor behavior is more calculating than I think.

Here is the scenario..... Mother's Day...Her Birthmom calls us, out of the blue and about three years after our last contact. I let Rosie speak to her and we have found out that she has reproduced with another man. Two healthy little boys. They are still in her custody and appear to be happy, healthy family. I don't know how much of this is true and accurate but by all accounts she is not forcing the disasterous childhood on these new children that she gifted to my daughter.

Rosie declares her undying love for her birthmom and sibs. Why wouldn't she? I know that is logical and completely normal for her to feel. She also declared her need for a visit. I spent two days trying to get her to understand that it was okay if she had mixed feelings or even was mad. all NORMAL feelings. She insisted that I was incorrect and she only had love for them.

In therapy, her therapist and I discussed that she needed a far more stable relationship with us to be able to have physical contact with her mother and phone contact should be minimal at most. All things I agree with. Rosie was given clear expectations for how this would happen. Which included an end to physically acting out against us and an in general more respectful relationship with us.

In my mind, knowing her as well as I do, she would straighten up because she is very good at doing what she has to do to get what she really, really wants. But she has done quite the opposite. Her physical aggression has increased and she is more disrepectful than she has been in forever. Obviously, she is in no way ready for a visit. But I wonder if knowing that this prevents the visit, she knows that we will stop the visit and she won't have to confront her past with her birthmother. I wonder if on some level she knows that we are the safe place for her and that we are her refuge during the storm. Which means we are a little farther along than I ever imagined we would get...

Any thoughts?

Man, I am lazy

Can you believe I haven't been on here since January....I am a blog loser! I miss you guys...I have developed a fairly sick addiction to Facebook....My new mistress....So please forgive me that I have been so neglectful to you...my dear friends!

Many things have changed....yet is all still the same....Does that make sense? I don't even know where to begin..Perhaps as I get back into the swing of my blog I will go backwards but today I will stay where I am....In the present.

Marie really struggling right now. She doesn't seem to be able to get out of her own mind these days. I don't know what is going on in her head. She is keeping it very close to her heart. She had a really extreme rage last weds. And yesterday she attempted to spin so far out of control that we would hospitalize her. Thank God for my parents. They swooped in to provide her a place to get things a little clearer in her mind.

She has requested contact with her birth mother. We have had two phone calls that seem to go well. B-mom has done an excellent job at being appropriate and nurturing....Which is a wonderful change from the early years. As much as she feels she needs this contact, it is bringing up a lot of mixed feeling for her. Which I completely understand. The rush of emotion must be so hard for her young mind to wrap around. We are plugging along though...Just plugging along...What else can we do but deal with it! It breaks my heart to watch her struggle like this...I just want to make it all better.....

Rose's Turn!

I don't dare say what I am about to say....because I know the pendulum will again swing the other way....And I will come to you begging for your shoulder....She is doing good....I mean she has a fiesty personality....so she is always a smidge difficult and she loves to see if she can piss me off...(please forgive my language) but for the most part...she is making good choices...She hasn't flown off the handle. She has been able to take a deep breath and accept no....Although she still thinks that the seatbelt wants to boss her around because she has to wear it....lol ....no lie....And the added benefit is that I can tolerate cuddling with her. We aren't at war...we have a peace between us....which is amazing....three and a half years for this....But I have to say....I love every minute of it!

So here is where I am....I am learning to be grateful for my life. I am continually learning that there is hope and goodness in everything that happens....AND I am also learning to be patient....and quiet...You have to be quiet sometimes to hear the good that is happening.....I forget this...ALOT!

Be Well,

Queen Mommy

January 4, 2009

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!

K

Lessons I Have Learned

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an Amen...lol)

Focus..K...focus!

Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the case...at all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope for....is much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!

We have come along way, Baby!

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

It is Me again!

Hello...How are you? I am doing well, thank you.....

Soooooooooo, my peeps.....I read me some nifty blogs....One I love is Torina. The other night I was reading her blog. She said her family would make a great comedy. I, myself, think I would be a dramedy...Too much wailing and gnashing of teeth at my house to be a comedy.....lol

I have a friend that fosters. She always has something fun going on at her house. She graciously watches my daughters until I get home on the nights my hubs bowls. She is truly good to my girls. She has a newborn and a 15 month at her house now along with her own almost 3yo daughter. Rosie tends to parentify herself with younger children. My friend and I have discussed and agree on the rules about her little ones. Rosie can talk to them and play but she can't physically touch them.

This really pisses her off. I know it does. I can see that it does. I have explained to her and we have discussed at great length that she is a kid and she is lucky enough to get to act like a kid. Marie is a teenager and has taken a babysitting class. She does not try to parent the children and therefore my rules don't have to be as strict with her.

Guess what? Do you see where this goes since my friend babysat for me tonight?

We live in an apartment complex. She was quite verbally aggressive with me. Not good after a long day at work...hehehe....I let Marie into the house and locked the door. I sat down in front of the door and laid my head against the door.....She demanded that I let her in....I calmly (yay me! The pills are working...hahaha) told her that when she was able to respectfully speak to me, we could go inside. She stood over me and told me she thought she was gonna puke.....I told her she had to do what she had to do....(in my head, I just pleaded with God to help her control this urge...because I would be puking too if she did that!)

God hear my cries....She relented because she didn't want the neighbors to know we travel on the crazytrain! I have to say...my older daughter has bipolar along with her RAD and when she is having an "episode" (our special word for her manic place) she doesn't care who is there to experience her train ride....Rose on the other hand, is ridiculously aware of what other people appear to think. It really can work in my favor. I know I can run errands with her no matter what because she doesn't want anyone to know about the crazytrain!

I don't like Ozzy Osbourne's music. To be honest, I have never really listened to his music. He has this song called "Crazy Train" in the chorus he says "i am going off the rales on a crazy train" Sometimes....I feel as though that is my life....so I made it my ring tone...Please, don't write me and tell me how horrible that song is....lol...that is the only part of the song I have ever heard....and the only part I plan on hearing AND it feels like me right now...hahaha...clearly the meds need to be upped....lol

She chilled long enough to get in the house and shower....She began again after that so Marie was already in bed so I shut my bedroom door and let her do what she had to do until she fell asleep.....She went to sleep quite quickly....Man, I know if I were her, I would be exhausted....She puts so much effort into pushing us away from her. Poor kid....She really is a sad little girl. I feel so badly about the fact that she is so dedicated to pushing us away....Lucky for her...I don't ever give up easily! I am nothing if I am not dedicated! I may stumble and I may royally screw things up sometimes....But in the end...I am totally dedicated to this family!

Lucky for all of you, that means tons of blogs to come....hahahhaha...If you all excuse me..I have to go watch TLC and the family with two sets of twins and a set of sextuplets! And I think I am overwhelmed!


And in case I don't say it enough or well...Thank you to all of my family and friends for your love and support! My mom, dad, sister, both bro in laws, sis in law, father in law and J, my brother and M, J and D, M.L. and the list goes on! Thank you all for what you do for us! And Thank you to my blog family...I love you all too!

I am baaaaaaack!

Ok, my friends, I am back! Well, I am back for today...I can't promise you beyond that. I am sure it will be such a shock but Rosie is still a pistol! She truly is a challenge for me...I am sure that is also not a shocker!

I have been struggling with a very depressive state as of late! The stress of caring for her has really done a number on me. At first, I wasn't going to say anything but I decided....It is what it is and I can't be embarrassed or ashamed for what is going on.

For the short term, I have chosen to use medication. Although, I don't advocate medication as the "cure all" for life's adversity....It seems to be helping me cope. I was truly struggling with panic and anxiety. It was becoming debilitating in how it was affecting my life.

I think part of it is going through the stages of grief. Which I am not sure I have ever done before. I guess I never thought I had to...But I think that I am ready to now....Or maybe I was in the Anger stage for a very long time...Now I am in the depression stage. I know that you don't go through the stages in order and you can revisit one stage many times.

I never thought of this relationship with Rose as causing me to make this journey. Her constant attacks and her trauma has been difficult on our family. I have had to reevaluate how I feel about this situation. It isn't that I don't have hope, it isn't that I don't think she can heal. I have hope, I know she can heal. The frustrating thing is that I feel that she is purposely not. I don't know why. I don't know if it is fear on her part or she isn't ready to move past her anger. I don't know...I don't need anyone to explain it to me....I have been in therapy for a very long time....

Today's blog is about me...not her. I don't want an explanation of her. She is who she is. And right now that is all I care about. I am doing the best I can for her. I have put my own health and emotional well being on hold to deal with her shenanigans...AND I WON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! I think as a society, moms are told we must sacrifice everything to be a good mom. AND that simply is not the truth. If you are compromised in some fashion, you can't give your children your best. Your children don't need all of you...they need the best you can give them.

This may be too personal but I am going to share it anyway. Saturday....I didn't get out of bed till 5pm! That isn't too unusual over the past couple of months! My husband had arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to get out of bed. My wonderful husband is so dedicated to me. I am so lucky to have him. He has taken such good care of me including taking care of the house as I have been going through this. I did get up and I went out with our friends. It was then that I realized how bad it had gotten. I also realized how important it was for us to go out without our kids.

My friend babysat for us....and you know what...she did a great job! She handled them quite well and was even able to deal with Rosie! I felt so relieved that I have another person I can trust with my children. I also have a friend who fosters that is great with my kids...but she is busy with her own brood. My sister and my mom have always been the only ones I trust with my children but they are both in college and very busy so I feel guilty asking them to help me...they have their own stuff! I don't want to bother them with my "stuff".....

My husband enjoyed having me to himself so much that he and I have promised each other that we will have more date nights!!!! Which we need....Our marriage is the most important relationship in our home!

Ok....so I am off of my pedestal! I just had to unload some stuff.....I am feeling great today! I am coming out of my cave and ready to tackle whatever the future has for me! Including more battles with Rosie.....What would life be if I didn't have that adventure to look forward to!

Also....If I haven't said it enough.....I have the most wonderful husband on the earth....Thank you, Honey! I love you!

Election Day!

I am not going to tell you how I voted. I am not going to tell you why my opinion is more valuable than yours. I am not going to spew any more propaganda....History is about to be made either way....I just used that as my title...Because it is the truth.....it is Election Day.....

I just saw that someone quoted my blog....That is so cool...I never thought that I would get to say that ....Nice...Thanks....by the way...Love your blog, too...But I am blog dumb and don't know how to add links...I will figure it out though!

My little Rosie is challenging if she is nothing else! I feel like an old record because I think I say that a lot. I must sound as though I hate her. It isn't that at all...I love her a great deal. But she pushes my buttons like nothing I have ever seen before. Holy Cow! She knows how to get under my skin. This as much about my reaction to her as it is truly is about her pushing me.

I am coming to a realization right now. I have a few medical issues that are completely stress related. This is documented by actual health care providers...not my guess...hahaha...And I realize one issue in particular is out of control. I am a high strung person to begin with...so this isn't all due to being a parent! But I have realized that I really need to rethink my reactions....they are going to kill me.....I work in the health care field(not as a dr or nurse but close enough to know what is going on) and I see the issues stress can cause. I never thought of myself as one of "those" people but then one day I turned around and BAM...that is me!

I know I need to relax...I know I need to take care of myself...I really know all of this stuff...BUT I really find it hard to do....My personality seems to be impeding my own ability to do this! So I am purposely standing back ....AND.....taking a chill pill...I know I have said I need to do this so many times....BUT I am serious!

My daughter has a classmate that just lost his only parent. My daughter was quite upset about the whole situation. Not that I am on death's door or anything BUT my children need me to be healthy...They need me to take breaks and they need me to be healthy....Otherwise I am not there to terrorize them for the next million years!

So I have to relax....So tomorrow...I am relaxing...I am not doing any errands...I am going to sit on my big fat butt and watch the Anne of Green Gables movies! I found all three of them in one set....(i thought this was a major score) I will let my husband manage things on his own...AND I will eat cheetos and reese cups until I puke if I want to! Most likely I won't do that...But I also may just shower and put clean pj's on...Not even getting dressed...hahhaha...Yeah me! I am so thankful that I have a husband who agrees that I need this! I love you honey!

Here's wishing you the break you need and deserve!

Be Well!

I'm Still Standing......

I was just singing that Elton John song...I love it....it is such a peppy song...."I'm still standing better than I ever was!" I haven't gotten to the second part of that but I am still standing!

When she first got home last friday....we had a horrible time. She was angry with us for having her admitted...she was still angry about her birth family....and now she had to return to school which made her even more angry...I had a very angry kid at my house.

She seems to be quieting down over the last couple of days....So that is good!!! So very good....AND this weekend my friend and I are going to see a musical! I soooo need a break....and how awesome do you feel after a musical.

I promise that I will write longer soon! I just want you to know how much it truly means to hear that you are thinking of us and praying for us....It is truly powerful!

Have a Happy Friday!

Be Well....

Quick Note......

It was a long....difficult weekend....We are plugging through...I will email you more soon but I wanted you to know that I am still here! I promise I will be blogging soon!

Thanks to my fans...I am soooooo psyched I have followers!

Be Well....Me

Do or Do Not. There is no try.....

The great Yoda is responsible for that quote. I personally don't have any feelings either way for Star Wars...But even if it is from a movie...I think it is unbelievably profound.

We went to the rtc today and they have decided that Rose is appropriately stable and she is able to come home on friday.

I am having many mixed feelings about this. I have not blogged much because this all has taken an incredible toll on me emotionally. I have truly sat on my butt for the last two weeks and taken the time to breathe. I haven't cleaned my house in two weeks, laundry isn't folded, and I need an oil change....Any volunteers to come help me? hahahahah....I needed the time to baby myself. I have had to learn to allow myself to relax....Which took a long time. My own defense mechanisms had been so strong that it took me a good 8 or 9 days to take it down a notch. I am a very high strung person so that is a big deal for me....hahaha....

Back to Rose coming home. When we had our meeting this morning....services available to us....none really.....beyond what we are already accessing...we are doing everything correctly....we provide her with love, nurturing,and safety....It will just continue to take time...(sigh) Hard to hear this when you feel as though the process is never complete. We love her but we find her behaviors challenging...

Back to Yoda.....I find that I fall into the "try" mentality.....I need to just do it or not do it...I am wasting my life away just trying.....

My commitment to Rose is worth more than just giving it a try....She deserves my doing it or not doing it....So I am doing it...I am committing to her coming home and our family healing....I am doing my best to make sure that happens...Trying implies I could fail...Doing implies I will succeed....Talk about power of positive thinking.....

I am convincing myself as much as I am convincing anyone else.....At least you all know I will have more blogs...I am guaranteed that this roller coaster ride will continue for a long time!...Might as well sit back and enjoy it....

Be well....

Feel Good Moments......

I am sure that to some of you it appears as though I never have these moments. Those moments when you just bust with pride at something your kid does. For the record, I do have these moments, just not in the summer.....Summer is a very bad time of year for both kids. But I think I have covered that so no need to review the negative.

This morning....My daughter, Rose, who is my most challenging child...gave me a feel good moment. Of course, you may not view this as a feel good moment...But to a RAD mom....it is!

Every morning this kid yanks my chain. I always rush around...I think that there is no reason to dilly dally if you don't need to. AND she knows super slow drives me INSANE....So I would say almost every morning she goes turtle slow....And without fail....she gets a reaction out of me.

I am trying a new tact with her. Everytime she does something that she thinks will get a reaction, I put my pillow over my head and think of anything else...sometimes that includes me running away or having a kid that follows directions.....call me crazy but that is what i fantasize about.......BUT this morning......she got up, put appropriate clothing on (a big deal in itself), ate breakfast without food drama, made her lunch for camp without scamming me, put on her sneakers without the it's unfair I can't wear flip flops tirade, and left the house with my husband..... Wicked awesome right?

So I have to say this is quite an encouragement to me. When I feel the most hopeless about our situation, she sucks me back in! I smile and think....perhaps this just might be better than good! So I had to share my little victory.....

I have another victory...Marie got some fairly upsetting information about her bio brother last week and she has not had a tantrum....Which also rocks.....My kiddos are slowly but surely becoming healthy.....

Thinking about these things, give me positive energy to start my weekend with....

Be Well

Birth Families part two......

This seems to be an issue that people are so very divided on....I find myself going back and forth on how I feel. Sometimes, I feel great pity and sadness for the birth family. I mean, I look at the wonderful child that I am raising and I realize how much they are missing out on. The good and the bad.....they don't ever get to have any of the experiences with the child that they gave birth to. Then there are times where I am spitting mad at them. I have intense anger at them because it is essentially their fault that their children have the emotional scars. I find myself going back and forth between these polar opposite feelings a lot.

I assume that if their birth families weren't so much of a daily subject in my home I wouldn't give them a second thought. But so many of the self esteem issues we struggle with in our home boil down to the fact that they don't believe their birth mothers loved them. Whether I like it or not....That is a big deal for them.

Some people assume that if I would just not mention them, this would end....It doesn't....It is in their minds every day. It is behind most of their behaviors and their tears. This primal heart ache.....

One of my children displays extreme behavior on an almost daily basis. We finally spoke to her therapist about a note that we could keep with us in case some misguided do gooder calls the cops because they are freaked out by her shrieks. This letter doesn't eliminate the behavior but for some reason I feel safer knowing that the note makes it less likely that her shrieking will end in deep trouble for all of us. ( Don't gasp with horror....Again, unless you have lived with a violent child, there is no way you can understand to what measures you must go to keep your child safe.....)

I told the story of one of my trips to Target and another blogger shared her trip to WalMart, those stories bother me. I know that I have done nothing wrong...But those around you don't when this little angelic face is puffy and red from her desperate screams.....It is sad that you need to be so careful but the world is different now.....

Watch out girls......I am going to go full circle....Guess what on earth is the reason she has these crazy, rageful tantrums.....You have it! The trauma of her past....The neglect, the separation from her birth family AND the way her mind processes all of it.

Our family is a work in progress. I truly believe that even though our successes seem limited, we are having successes. Even when I am at my wits end and I feel the lowest, we are better today than we were yesterday....AND That is awesome!

Have a fantastic evening! Be Well!.....

By the way.....my girls are going to my inlaws tomorrow night...So I get to have DATE NIGHT with my wonderful husband!....SO there will not be a blog tomorrow night!

Me

What I like about you......

The Girls were in rare form today.....More meltdowns than if we had 8 toddlers!

When we got back from Therapy, I had the girls get ready for bed and we were having a family meeting in the living room.....After a long period of time, we met back in the living room. Marie said that she was feeling very sad today and asked if we could do the "Five Things" game.

The "Five Things" Game is where each person writes down five positive things about all of the other members of the family. The rules are they can't be non specific things like "she is a good person", it can't be something like "it is funny when she/he farts" or anything else that is really a put down and it can't be a physical attribute. Tonight, I added a twist. They also had to list five good things about themselves.

Marie is very quick and always proud of her answers. When we do this exercise she is quick with her answers and they are always good things. I enjoy the fact that she gets into this stuff. She loves to contribute to our family in a positive way.....She loves to give and receive compliments. Which is just really a joy!

Rose really struggles with this entire exercise. Which is very telling as to where her mind and heart are at this point. She has no self esteem or any sense of self worth which led to her having a very difficult time with giving and receiving compliments. It breaks my heart to watch her struggle with a seemingly simple way to bond as a family....

Even with Rose's struggles, it still remains a very fruitful exercise. It is a break from the seemingly endless train of tantrums and rude comments. We all get the opportunity to sit down and remember the wonderful things we all bring to the table. It is a way for us to feel good about ourselves and to feel good about our fellow family members. Yay me for the idea!

During therapy today, Rose's therapist said we are really doing everything that we can do to help her, it comes down to her willingness to get better. She really isn't there yet.....But on the bright side....her therapist is young and said she will be around for many years.....HAHAHA.....so we have years to deal with this stuff.....it felt good to know that someone else thought we were doing the right things.....It always makes me happy to know that the issue remains on Rose's end and it isn't our lack of parenting skills. We just continue to pray that she has the "Eureka" moment and we can collectively begin to heal as a family.

My husband and I truly enjoy our time alone when the girls go to bed. It is our saving grace. We are so blessed that we have this time alone to enjoy each other and share our quiet times together. I am truly thankful that we have each other on this journey. It is a great comfort to know that we are stuck here together for this grand adventure!

Be Well!

Me

Trauma and Loss

I have spent a lot of time today thinking about trauma. Trauma and loss. I am sure my sister won't mind me telling you what she said last night. She said that coming to my house is very intense and sometimes she doesn't come around for a bit afterwards because she has to recover. I did feel bad for her because it seems as though every time she is here, there is some major drama happening. I don't know whether we have so much drama that we always have an issue going on OR she is just lucky!

This morning my daughter, Rose, was upset with me for once again setting a limit and sticking to it...(that pesky parenting that I do) I explained to her that she was given an opportunity to do what she needed to do and she chose to do the opposite of what I asked and that lead to her being unable to do what she wanted to do. She looked me in the eye and said " so you are putting this on me?" My husband and I laughed so hard. I couldn't help but laugh. She was aghast that I was putting the responsibility for her behavior on her! I wasn't even sure why she was surprised by this but today it struck me as very funny.


I suppose that story really didn't have anything to do with what I intended on talking about. My mind can be such mush sometimes. Plus I don't think you realize I started writing this blog on thursday during my lunch hour and it is now ten on friday night.

I am trying to snap myself out of this muck that I feel that I have become stuck in due to dealing with Trauma and Loss every day....Hey, I brought it back!!!!! ( I deserve the high five I just gave myself) Our kids(personally and collectively) have experienced so much trauma and loss in their young lives that it just oozes out of them. Almost like (warning, gross analogy) if you have ever seen someone that has an infected wound, where the puss just oozes out. Gross yes, but it makes sense. Infected wounds need to be cleaned over and over again, sometimes they have to be dug in and that can be soooo very painful. We have to dig into their trauma and loss to really ever begin to "clean up" their wounds.

The worst part of their wounds....No one sees them but us. Which leads to judgment and well intentioned but ridiculous advice. Which leads to its own wounds. This stuff isn't fun.

Sometimes, I have to take a step back from the behaviors and really spend a great deal of time reminding myself....This has little to do with me. It has to do with her heart being sick....And though she oozes, I am there to help clean it up and heal her past.

I thought that I would share from my heart tonight. I know it isn't full of my usual humor but this is what is in my head tonight...

How can it not when my princess spends so much of her time.....driving me crazy!!!!!

Have a fantastic evening! Be well....Until tomorrow!

Me

Vomit....A Plan for success......

Did you know that puking could make you happy? I was also not aware of this! My sweet, clever child has learned she can achieve much in life with vomit. I have to admit, I am at a little bit of a loss with this. And at the moment, my inclination towards therapeutic parenting goes out the window.

Scenario for the day.......

We discussed Rose's diabetic state last night and her headache with super powers. When she awoke this morning, it was as though she were a Disney Princess. She was so sweet that you could imagine all of the little forest animals gathering at her feet as she flung open her cottage window and hummed a happy tune. You can see it, right? She was almost too sweet. Not something to complain about when your child is usually contrary as a normal state.

Her voice was sing songey as she dressed, gathered her lunch and brushed her teeth. She was even respectful as she asked to have yogurt instead of cereal...Good Day....She even made a crack about her "headache" last night. We had cuddle time and good times=)

Marie walked in while Rose and I were cuddling and she asked what time the movie started. Rose chirped about going swimming today and maybe when she got home we could go to get Ice Cream...You are still hearing the chirping birds right?

As fate would have it....Marie and I had changed plans and decided to go to the Mall with my friend and her brood....We were about twenty minutes into our ride when I got THE CALL.....a call I have gotten soooo many times before....."Mrs. Smith (not my real name...hahaha) Rose is in the office...She doesn't feel well....She just threw up" Of course, in my unsympathetic and crass voice I said " of course she did..."

So, I bought her chicken broth for dinner and she is in her bedroom...banished to her bed till tomorrow am....I am sure her belly did hurt after she got herself into such a state that she actually puked! She is still sleeping off the excitement...I do have to admit that it is quite upsetting to me that she does this. It is a lot of wasted time when she spends so much of her time creating misery for herself and those around her.

Here is what I really don't get. She was going to camp today..They were going swimming, she was going to have a blast. I was going to spend one on one time with Marie while she was at camp so that it would minimize the upset to her...

Minute by minute update....God just touched her and she is no longer sick...a true Christmas miracle in July. Please know that I am not being sacreligious or disrespectful to the Lord when I say that. I just know my kid.....She just told me that she was refusing to stay in her room because it was stupid. She is fine now...what is the big deal.....i said we wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had chosen to stay at camp. Unfortunately, when you chose to puke you chose your bedroom.....The door slammed...we will see what happens...

So back to camp.....so now she didnt get to go to camp, she has to stay in her bed and Marie and I are still going to see Mama Mia today while she does that....Consequences....gotta love them.....sometimes you don't need punishments when being a good mom does the trick! I mean, a good mom makes sure that her child gets plenty of rest and nourishment when they are sick.

It is like God knew I was not able to theraupetically parent her today on my own and threw me a bone. Gave me the words to show her I was only being a good mom! She can't argue with me being a good mom....Well she can...but it is much more difficult when I am doing it with that much love!

Also lest you think I am a cold heartless cow....Rose could be sick...But when Rose gets sick she is totally compliant with everything.....she is sweet and a joy when she is sick. When she is well, she is totally contrary to everything that you say to her. I love her soooo much and it pains me to see her sick BUT it is really a pain when she fakes it....and today she had a fresh mouth......so there you go....case solved, Inspector!


Thank you God!

Be well.....I am reading all of your blogs too...I love them all! You are all inspirations to me! I hope I give you something back.

Me

Jerking My Chain!

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder like to be in control. Not just in control of one thing or another but in control of EVERYTHING. Which,friends, doesn't work out when the mommy is also a control freak. I have had to learn that not every battle is worth fighting. Some things it is ok for my RAD kid to control. The key is more how I remain in control...Even if it is secretly (yes i am twirling my devilishly long mustache as I say that with my evil laugh)

Tonight was just one of those great nights....Controllllllll.....Today was therapy day....Everybody was on board and participated...Sooooo guess what we had Chinese food! Bonus points. Actually they got to go to the Mall to have Chinese food at the food court. I met them there after work so we had two cars. So Marie had been on a little trip with her grandfather and as all Grampy's do...he slipped her his change....Five bucks! Grandpa rocks, right? So I felt bad so I slipped Rose two dollars....Well she tried to convince Marie that it wasn't fair that she had more money and that maybe Marie would feel better if she shared her money with Rose so it would be equal.

Finally, Marie said ..."uh no.....not falling for that again!" Rose handed me her money and apologized that she wasn't able to spend such a small amount of money....hahaha...um was I supposed to feel bad that she didn't spend it...hahahha...still laughing here! Folks...first clue.....foreshadowing.....

Rose HAS to go to camp...She has a hard time when she doesn't have a structured day.So the only way that is guaranteed during the summer is camp. She has this thing where she wants the world to see her as perfect, she behaves unbelievably well in public places. So camp is a good match for her.

Marie is more of a free spirit and although consistency is wonderful for her, she doesn't usually like to be involved in things that are too organized. She is able to amuse herself and does well in a go with the flow kind of situation...She is very much a free spirit....

So tomorrow is my day off. I am taking Marie for a treat tomorrow and we are going to the movies. We are going to see "Mama Mia". Rose heard. second clue....

When we went out to the cars, Rose ran and jumped into hubby's car. Marie hung back and got into my car.....the Trifecta for trouble.......

When we got home...Rose announced that she had a bad headache, possibly diabetes, and that she couldn't go to camp tomorrow because she was contagious. She went to the camp nurse today for these things but insisted she didn't call me because she knew I would not take time out of my day for her....When are the Oscars?

My chain was almost pulled too tight today....she had jerked it a lot..hahaha...my metaphor isn't working right now...got the picture though, right?....

I reassured her that diabetes isn't contagious and I was fairly certain that she didn't get it over night....She also said the headache was too bad for her to shower....I do have to admit when she said that I laughed. I couldn't help it...I mean, her headache gave her diabetes and a fever AND she was contagious...Plus it was making her nightly shower impossible, too. Headaches with super powers.
That is cool.....

Some days the chain jerking is so unbearable...Today, it was humorous, even though it took us forever to get her to bed. I did tell her after 45 minutes of nonsense that since she had such a hard time getting settled in for bed...that as a good mom I would be more responsible tomorrow night and we would start getting ready for bed 45 minutes earlier than usual so we could make up that time that we wasted tonight....Funny....she was in bed and asleep in ten minutes...Am I good or what?

It is all about the control...I have to learn how to maintain control....even when she isn't looking....hahahaha....Another successful day finished....Another story shared....Life is good....

I have this book that I believe is called 99 Ways to Drive Your Kids Sane. I will get the exact name and share it...Great Ideas for dealing with some of the behaviors. It is the inspiration for some of my shenanigans..Many of my lessons are lost on Rose. Her heart is still too sick to learn them, but I hope at some point funny stuff will make an impact....What a great thing for me to teach her...Laughter is such a healthy emotional release....A Good thing to teach a kid that is so angry and scared....

I got a few complaints about this blog today and several compliments. I know that I can't please everyone with what I am writing. That is Ok, everyone has the right to their opinion....But before anyone assumes they know anything from reading this, please come live in my home for 24 hours....and you, too, will be seeking the support and love of other families in similar situations. Sometimes, you find support in the most unusual places. I love all of you that send your support and comments. I truly appreciate it...I also appreciate your blogs. I am truly blessed by God for all of you! For the record, once again, my children are aware of this blog and its content. I am proud of what I am writing and I also love my children more than anything. Nothing I am saying is embarrassing or humiliating for them. It is our life and we embrace it. Secrecy and shame are not words in our vocabulary.

Please be well! Know that I thank God for you everyday!

PS...blame my husband for my grammar errors....I wasn't done when he left for work...so once again, I published this without his proof reading....Have a great night!

Betsy Ross....

Who knows anything about Betsy Ross? My daughter had to do a report about Betsy Ross. At the time my daughter had convinced us that she was "simple". Under the mistaken idea of her intellectual shortcoming, my husband and I read the book to her and we basically did the report for her....Well, we didn't do the report, before all you with studious children die that we did this. We offered her suggestions, OHHHH and the teacher wanted her to dress like Betsy Ross AND make a scrapbook....

Back to Betsy Ross......Betsy Ross went against her parents and her religion to marry her husband and live a life with him. She also became very well renowned for her talents as a seamstress. Her first husband died as a result of his strong dedication to the beginnings of our country. She was quite young at the time. At that time, when a young woman became a widow, it was expected that she would go home to her family. She refused to leave the home and store she and her husband had created together. She was a talented seamstress that caught the eye of our Founding Fathers and as the story goes....she is responsible for the first flag. This is a brief story of her life and I may have mixed up some of my facts.....I am getting old and I already got the "A" so I don't need to get a grade from anyone else.

I was thinking of her because I was thinking of my oldest daughter, Marie. She has had many really traumatic, horrible things happen to her but she keeps going on. She chooses to be happy and to succeed. Betsy Ross also had that resilience. I am not so sure I have that spirit but I admire it greatly in others.

Marie has done some odd jobs for her grandfather and he gave her money for her efforts. I have been slowly and methodically giving her money to spend. Today, I gave her a small amount because we were going to Super WalMart.....Well, today was an exciting day for us.....SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Marie has waited for this day since the day of school.....She was cheering and squealing with glee.....Rose....not so much!

Back to Rose....Rose has lived with us for 29 months. She has some academic delays. Mostly from all of her moves during her time in Foster Care. We actually were concerned about her having some sort of global intellectual delays. She couldn't do basic math equations. She couldn't read a book or write sentences. It was compounded by the fact that she became so frustrated by her shortcomings, that she has monumental meltdowns.....

In Massachusetts we have testing in our school systems called MCAS. It is actually testing that is done that determines by the results what type of funding the school is eligible for. It is really a litmus test for how good our teachers are, BUT an inordinate amount of pressure is put on the children to perform well. They get pep talks about the proper food you should eat the morning of the testing, how much sleep you should be having, and that if you do poorly on this test....well your future is in the toilet....Seriously....no joke this is the pressure they put on kids....

I have a rule in my house....I don't care about grades...I care about effort and doing the best that you can do. If if is a hard earned C-, I am good with it, if the teacher says you did your best.....this has sort of bitten me in the bum.....

This has allowed Marie to blossom...Knowing that I will be proud as long as she tries....She is on the honor roll and quite successful....

My dear sweet Rosey...Not so much....She swore she was doing her best with her D- in math. She cried when she got her report card and seemed sincerely upset at her failure....I tried so hard ...I felt for the kid...I was sad that she was so "simple". My husband and I went to many meetings and endured multiple phone calls. The teacher calling us telling us how hard she tried but that she was struggling academically....Once I even got a call trying to blame me for her poor MCAS scores. I told that teacher that it was a reflection on her if Rose sucked in Math not me. She was the teacher not me...and OH...I had bigger fish to fry with this kid than 1+1. So I didn't win points with that teacher.

So...one day she came home from school with a 100% on a spelling test...While the whole 9 months before she never got more than a 60%. Then another day I was doing something with my checkbook (I am simple in math) and I asked my husband to do the math for me...and she answered the question...hmmmmmm...weird....

So we did this experiment with her....(please don't have a stroke with my very unorthodox experiments) I told her that my experiment was a one time deal. She could have $20 if she could do all of her homework in less than 20 minutes. Rules were that she had to show that she had truly attempted to do the math problem. It didn't have to be correct, but she had to explain the theory behind the answer she gave and that she could get no help from us. The reason for the money was that I had to use something that she would find valuable. Good work and self pride was not valuable to her. She finished in less than 20 mins and got 80% of it correct with NO HELP! The incorrect answers were because she was rushing and as my husband corrected them, she told him the answer before he told her.....SOOOOO..

For more than two years everyone thought she was intellectually limited. Teachers included! When in fact, she was playing games. Jerking our chains....She felt that if she just said she couldn't long enough...everyone would just do it for her....And you know what....THEY DID....Her jig was up....I hugged her and I told her how proud of her I was. In spite of her best efforts, she was indeed normal intellectually and that no matter what....we now knew she was smart.....Do you know....we never had another issue regarding homework the last five weeks of school.....

Who puts that much effort into lazy? She was dedicated! Man, I pride myself as an experienced mom of RAD kids, on not being easily scammed....She soooooo was in control of that....


By the way....I am not politically correct. I don't purposely want to offend anyone but if you are easily offended...I may not be the blog for you....I write as I talk....I am sincere and open.....I appreciate positive feedback....And I have no interest in haters....My world is too full and too wonderful to waste my time with silly drama...I have enjoyed those of you that have left messages...I am also enjoying your blogs...I like to see how others have victories and struggles of their own. So you guys rock.....!

Be Well....and May God bless you!

Love Story

I think that there are many times that I forget the love part of my relationship with Rose and Marie. I spend an inordinate amount of time in this struggle with them. Me always trying to remain in control and to show them love, and they are always trying to remain in control and proving that I don't love them.

I read in another blog about how much trauma and loss are part of adoption. I have to ask her permission before I post a link to her blog, but she is so correct. Loss on the part of my husband and I, as we were not able to conceive on our own and a greater loss on their part. They lost their birth families and everything they hold to be real.

Then the Foster Care system tosses them around telling them to feel happy that they are living here or there....It must be so very sad for them to worry daily whether this will be the day that the social worker brings them to a new family and new family they are supposed to like. Then at some point they are told that they are going to get a new family that they have to live with forever and they should really love them and think it is super groovy that this family wants them forever.

When in fact, the child feels a lot of anger that you want them to live with you and they are even angrier that you want to love them. The world sees their birth family as inappropriate and harmful. They don't see it that way, they see it as the only family they ever had. I feel as though I haven't done this justice and again I am oversimplifying this. But I also don't feel that I can get to personal with some information, as it is not fair to my children.

Both of my daughters have been gifts from God for my husband and I. As I mentioned, we were not able to conceive our own children. I truly believe that God has a path for each of us. It was sad when I learned that I would not be able to have biological children, but God made a way. My children are my destiny. My calling is raising them.

I was very naive when Marie came to us. I was assured that she was not RAD and that she would easily be able bond with us. I said I was Naive! Within two weeks of moving in, her war against loving us began. Again, this is about my romance so I won't go into detail but after much crying we found a therapist that was as committed to her being a part of our family as we were. The day her adoption was finalized was the day it appeared Marie became reconciled with her past and the hope of her future.

Although, bringing Rose and her trauma in our home brought back the many hurts and losses Marie has experienced, she remains committed to her own emotional well being. She still has her many ups and downs, but I know that she will succeed.

As we felt that we had successfully helped Marie heal, we decided to add another child to our home. Seriously folks...no one told me that a new kid's trauma could trigger the old kid's trauma....Lessons are learned the hard way sometimes!

We were also reassured with Rose that she did have RAD and that she was an angel. I wanted to believe that they were telling me the truth. I mean, I saw her innocent loving face and I was truly in love with her. And if she was not RAD, that meant she could share that love also. Alas, my peeps, there is no child that leaves foster care unscathed. She is charming and beautiful, so no one ever had an inkling of her trauma and the darkness she felt in her heart.

Again, didn't I tell you this was my love story? Not much for romance....huh? I guess I am learning that our love story is neither happy nor sad alone. It is both....mixed in with hurt, disappointment, anger, joy, victory and laughter. I started this blog wanting to share a story that was like "awwwww, what a feel good story...." I suppose we haven't achieved that yet....

But here is something to think about, if you don't have adopted children. You are all strangers at the beginning. There are social workers that match you that tell you "Mom, Dad, meet your kid" "Kid, meet your mom and dad" " Visit for awhile and then you will live together and love each other and you will share your lives together" When you give birth, you have the child from the moment he/she is born. All of your experiences are shared. Adopted kids have many points of reference that are different from yours....No wonder we have blips! Where did I mean to go with that?

My point is, even with the deck seemingly stacked against us. On some level we are succeeding. Having children with RAD has taught me many meaningful lessons. One of the greatest has been that success has many faces and even the little ones can be the most meaningful.....

Sorry if I was too all over the map today. I wanted to say so many things and I was becoming too wordy.

Be well......I truly appreciate all of you that are reading my blog and sharing with me.

God Bless you!