Man, I am lazy

Can you believe I haven't been on here since January....I am a blog loser! I miss you guys...I have developed a fairly sick addiction to Facebook....My new mistress....So please forgive me that I have been so neglectful to you...my dear friends!

Many things have changed....yet is all still the same....Does that make sense? I don't even know where to begin..Perhaps as I get back into the swing of my blog I will go backwards but today I will stay where I am....In the present.

Marie really struggling right now. She doesn't seem to be able to get out of her own mind these days. I don't know what is going on in her head. She is keeping it very close to her heart. She had a really extreme rage last weds. And yesterday she attempted to spin so far out of control that we would hospitalize her. Thank God for my parents. They swooped in to provide her a place to get things a little clearer in her mind.

She has requested contact with her birth mother. We have had two phone calls that seem to go well. B-mom has done an excellent job at being appropriate and nurturing....Which is a wonderful change from the early years. As much as she feels she needs this contact, it is bringing up a lot of mixed feeling for her. Which I completely understand. The rush of emotion must be so hard for her young mind to wrap around. We are plugging along though...Just plugging along...What else can we do but deal with it! It breaks my heart to watch her struggle like this...I just want to make it all better.....

Rose's Turn!

I don't dare say what I am about to say....because I know the pendulum will again swing the other way....And I will come to you begging for your shoulder....She is doing good....I mean she has a fiesty personality....so she is always a smidge difficult and she loves to see if she can piss me off...(please forgive my language) but for the most part...she is making good choices...She hasn't flown off the handle. She has been able to take a deep breath and accept no....Although she still thinks that the seatbelt wants to boss her around because she has to wear it....lol ....no lie....And the added benefit is that I can tolerate cuddling with her. We aren't at war...we have a peace between us....which is amazing....three and a half years for this....But I have to say....I love every minute of it!

So here is where I am....I am learning to be grateful for my life. I am continually learning that there is hope and goodness in everything that happens....AND I am also learning to be patient....and quiet...You have to be quiet sometimes to hear the good that is happening.....I forget this...ALOT!

Be Well,

Queen Mommy

January 4, 2009

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!

K

Lessons I Have Learned

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an Amen...lol)

Focus..K...focus!

Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the case...at all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope for....is much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!

We have come along way, Baby!

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

It is Me again!

Hello...How are you? I am doing well, thank you.....

Soooooooooo, my peeps.....I read me some nifty blogs....One I love is Torina. The other night I was reading her blog. She said her family would make a great comedy. I, myself, think I would be a dramedy...Too much wailing and gnashing of teeth at my house to be a comedy.....lol

I have a friend that fosters. She always has something fun going on at her house. She graciously watches my daughters until I get home on the nights my hubs bowls. She is truly good to my girls. She has a newborn and a 15 month at her house now along with her own almost 3yo daughter. Rosie tends to parentify herself with younger children. My friend and I have discussed and agree on the rules about her little ones. Rosie can talk to them and play but she can't physically touch them.

This really pisses her off. I know it does. I can see that it does. I have explained to her and we have discussed at great length that she is a kid and she is lucky enough to get to act like a kid. Marie is a teenager and has taken a babysitting class. She does not try to parent the children and therefore my rules don't have to be as strict with her.

Guess what? Do you see where this goes since my friend babysat for me tonight?

We live in an apartment complex. She was quite verbally aggressive with me. Not good after a long day at work...hehehe....I let Marie into the house and locked the door. I sat down in front of the door and laid my head against the door.....She demanded that I let her in....I calmly (yay me! The pills are working...hahaha) told her that when she was able to respectfully speak to me, we could go inside. She stood over me and told me she thought she was gonna puke.....I told her she had to do what she had to do....(in my head, I just pleaded with God to help her control this urge...because I would be puking too if she did that!)

God hear my cries....She relented because she didn't want the neighbors to know we travel on the crazytrain! I have to say...my older daughter has bipolar along with her RAD and when she is having an "episode" (our special word for her manic place) she doesn't care who is there to experience her train ride....Rose on the other hand, is ridiculously aware of what other people appear to think. It really can work in my favor. I know I can run errands with her no matter what because she doesn't want anyone to know about the crazytrain!

I don't like Ozzy Osbourne's music. To be honest, I have never really listened to his music. He has this song called "Crazy Train" in the chorus he says "i am going off the rales on a crazy train" Sometimes....I feel as though that is my life....so I made it my ring tone...Please, don't write me and tell me how horrible that song is....lol...that is the only part of the song I have ever heard....and the only part I plan on hearing AND it feels like me right now...hahaha...clearly the meds need to be upped....lol

She chilled long enough to get in the house and shower....She began again after that so Marie was already in bed so I shut my bedroom door and let her do what she had to do until she fell asleep.....She went to sleep quite quickly....Man, I know if I were her, I would be exhausted....She puts so much effort into pushing us away from her. Poor kid....She really is a sad little girl. I feel so badly about the fact that she is so dedicated to pushing us away....Lucky for her...I don't ever give up easily! I am nothing if I am not dedicated! I may stumble and I may royally screw things up sometimes....But in the end...I am totally dedicated to this family!

Lucky for all of you, that means tons of blogs to come....hahahhaha...If you all excuse me..I have to go watch TLC and the family with two sets of twins and a set of sextuplets! And I think I am overwhelmed!


And in case I don't say it enough or well...Thank you to all of my family and friends for your love and support! My mom, dad, sister, both bro in laws, sis in law, father in law and J, my brother and M, J and D, M.L. and the list goes on! Thank you all for what you do for us! And Thank you to my blog family...I love you all too!

I am baaaaaaack!

Ok, my friends, I am back! Well, I am back for today...I can't promise you beyond that. I am sure it will be such a shock but Rosie is still a pistol! She truly is a challenge for me...I am sure that is also not a shocker!

I have been struggling with a very depressive state as of late! The stress of caring for her has really done a number on me. At first, I wasn't going to say anything but I decided....It is what it is and I can't be embarrassed or ashamed for what is going on.

For the short term, I have chosen to use medication. Although, I don't advocate medication as the "cure all" for life's adversity....It seems to be helping me cope. I was truly struggling with panic and anxiety. It was becoming debilitating in how it was affecting my life.

I think part of it is going through the stages of grief. Which I am not sure I have ever done before. I guess I never thought I had to...But I think that I am ready to now....Or maybe I was in the Anger stage for a very long time...Now I am in the depression stage. I know that you don't go through the stages in order and you can revisit one stage many times.

I never thought of this relationship with Rose as causing me to make this journey. Her constant attacks and her trauma has been difficult on our family. I have had to reevaluate how I feel about this situation. It isn't that I don't have hope, it isn't that I don't think she can heal. I have hope, I know she can heal. The frustrating thing is that I feel that she is purposely not. I don't know why. I don't know if it is fear on her part or she isn't ready to move past her anger. I don't know...I don't need anyone to explain it to me....I have been in therapy for a very long time....

Today's blog is about me...not her. I don't want an explanation of her. She is who she is. And right now that is all I care about. I am doing the best I can for her. I have put my own health and emotional well being on hold to deal with her shenanigans...AND I WON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! I think as a society, moms are told we must sacrifice everything to be a good mom. AND that simply is not the truth. If you are compromised in some fashion, you can't give your children your best. Your children don't need all of you...they need the best you can give them.

This may be too personal but I am going to share it anyway. Saturday....I didn't get out of bed till 5pm! That isn't too unusual over the past couple of months! My husband had arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to get out of bed. My wonderful husband is so dedicated to me. I am so lucky to have him. He has taken such good care of me including taking care of the house as I have been going through this. I did get up and I went out with our friends. It was then that I realized how bad it had gotten. I also realized how important it was for us to go out without our kids.

My friend babysat for us....and you know what...she did a great job! She handled them quite well and was even able to deal with Rosie! I felt so relieved that I have another person I can trust with my children. I also have a friend who fosters that is great with my kids...but she is busy with her own brood. My sister and my mom have always been the only ones I trust with my children but they are both in college and very busy so I feel guilty asking them to help me...they have their own stuff! I don't want to bother them with my "stuff".....

My husband enjoyed having me to himself so much that he and I have promised each other that we will have more date nights!!!! Which we need....Our marriage is the most important relationship in our home!

Ok....so I am off of my pedestal! I just had to unload some stuff.....I am feeling great today! I am coming out of my cave and ready to tackle whatever the future has for me! Including more battles with Rosie.....What would life be if I didn't have that adventure to look forward to!

Also....If I haven't said it enough.....I have the most wonderful husband on the earth....Thank you, Honey! I love you!

Election Day!

I am not going to tell you how I voted. I am not going to tell you why my opinion is more valuable than yours. I am not going to spew any more propaganda....History is about to be made either way....I just used that as my title...Because it is the truth.....it is Election Day.....

I just saw that someone quoted my blog....That is so cool...I never thought that I would get to say that ....Nice...Thanks....by the way...Love your blog, too...But I am blog dumb and don't know how to add links...I will figure it out though!

My little Rosie is challenging if she is nothing else! I feel like an old record because I think I say that a lot. I must sound as though I hate her. It isn't that at all...I love her a great deal. But she pushes my buttons like nothing I have ever seen before. Holy Cow! She knows how to get under my skin. This as much about my reaction to her as it is truly is about her pushing me.

I am coming to a realization right now. I have a few medical issues that are completely stress related. This is documented by actual health care providers...not my guess...hahaha...And I realize one issue in particular is out of control. I am a high strung person to begin with...so this isn't all due to being a parent! But I have realized that I really need to rethink my reactions....they are going to kill me.....I work in the health care field(not as a dr or nurse but close enough to know what is going on) and I see the issues stress can cause. I never thought of myself as one of "those" people but then one day I turned around and BAM...that is me!

I know I need to relax...I know I need to take care of myself...I really know all of this stuff...BUT I really find it hard to do....My personality seems to be impeding my own ability to do this! So I am purposely standing back ....AND.....taking a chill pill...I know I have said I need to do this so many times....BUT I am serious!

My daughter has a classmate that just lost his only parent. My daughter was quite upset about the whole situation. Not that I am on death's door or anything BUT my children need me to be healthy...They need me to take breaks and they need me to be healthy....Otherwise I am not there to terrorize them for the next million years!

So I have to relax....So tomorrow...I am relaxing...I am not doing any errands...I am going to sit on my big fat butt and watch the Anne of Green Gables movies! I found all three of them in one set....(i thought this was a major score) I will let my husband manage things on his own...AND I will eat cheetos and reese cups until I puke if I want to! Most likely I won't do that...But I also may just shower and put clean pj's on...Not even getting dressed...hahhaha...Yeah me! I am so thankful that I have a husband who agrees that I need this! I love you honey!

Here's wishing you the break you need and deserve!

Be Well!

I'm Still Standing......

I was just singing that Elton John song...I love it....it is such a peppy song...."I'm still standing better than I ever was!" I haven't gotten to the second part of that but I am still standing!

When she first got home last friday....we had a horrible time. She was angry with us for having her admitted...she was still angry about her birth family....and now she had to return to school which made her even more angry...I had a very angry kid at my house.

She seems to be quieting down over the last couple of days....So that is good!!! So very good....AND this weekend my friend and I are going to see a musical! I soooo need a break....and how awesome do you feel after a musical.

I promise that I will write longer soon! I just want you to know how much it truly means to hear that you are thinking of us and praying for us....It is truly powerful!

Have a Happy Friday!

Be Well....

Quick Note......

It was a long....difficult weekend....We are plugging through...I will email you more soon but I wanted you to know that I am still here! I promise I will be blogging soon!

Thanks to my fans...I am soooooo psyched I have followers!

Be Well....Me

Do or Do Not. There is no try.....

The great Yoda is responsible for that quote. I personally don't have any feelings either way for Star Wars...But even if it is from a movie...I think it is unbelievably profound.

We went to the rtc today and they have decided that Rose is appropriately stable and she is able to come home on friday.

I am having many mixed feelings about this. I have not blogged much because this all has taken an incredible toll on me emotionally. I have truly sat on my butt for the last two weeks and taken the time to breathe. I haven't cleaned my house in two weeks, laundry isn't folded, and I need an oil change....Any volunteers to come help me? hahahahah....I needed the time to baby myself. I have had to learn to allow myself to relax....Which took a long time. My own defense mechanisms had been so strong that it took me a good 8 or 9 days to take it down a notch. I am a very high strung person so that is a big deal for me....hahaha....

Back to Rose coming home. When we had our meeting this morning....services available to us....none really.....beyond what we are already accessing...we are doing everything correctly....we provide her with love, nurturing,and safety....It will just continue to take time...(sigh) Hard to hear this when you feel as though the process is never complete. We love her but we find her behaviors challenging...

Back to Yoda.....I find that I fall into the "try" mentality.....I need to just do it or not do it...I am wasting my life away just trying.....

My commitment to Rose is worth more than just giving it a try....She deserves my doing it or not doing it....So I am doing it...I am committing to her coming home and our family healing....I am doing my best to make sure that happens...Trying implies I could fail...Doing implies I will succeed....Talk about power of positive thinking.....

I am convincing myself as much as I am convincing anyone else.....At least you all know I will have more blogs...I am guaranteed that this roller coaster ride will continue for a long time!...Might as well sit back and enjoy it....

Be well....

Hurray for my kids.......

I am stealing this in total from another blog. She has already given me permission for this but I am also linking to her because her blog amazes me.....She is awesome!

http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/


Thanks, Brenda!

Good Things about my kids.....


Marie: Totally blew off her 4pm curfew AND when she came home she was calm, apologized, made amends and accepted her consequences.....Strides have been made!

Rose: She and I were able to complete an activity without her commandeering control. She "Let" me take the reigns.....Strides are being made!

Me: I didn't go nuts today....hahahaha....AND I maintained patience with the other! Both things I struggle with.....

I wish you a good day also! I love those feel good moments!

Love Is......

LOVE

IS......


I think that my kids have no idea what true love feels. They are terrified of trusting someone that much. To allow them to be that close to them. I am going to try something new with them. I just spent time explaining this Bible verse to my daughter. I guess I don't really have much to talk about today.

But as over used as this passage is, I think it rings true for every type of love relationship that we have as humans. We had this read at our wedding. I know that is probably read at alot of weddings...I know I know... I think that it is something to read to our children, too. A simple lesson on what LOVE truly is. In concrete, understandable terms.....

I Corinthians 13:1-13

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I am actually going to CVS tomorrow pm and I am going to get poster board.....I am going to break the passage up into easily digestable phrases and I am going to hang them around the house.....

In their bathroom, I have small phrases about their positive qualities posted on either side of the mirror. and in their bedroom, I have taped on the wall, promises that we have made to them...i.e. we promise to love them, to keep them safe, to feed them, keep them warm, laugh with them, have fun with them, and be their family forever.... It has seemed to work so far....they get upset anytime I have said I wanted to take the curled up pages down...So I think I will try this again....after all.....love....believes all things.....A lesson for me, too....

Have a wonderful night......Be Well.....

Birth Families part two......

This seems to be an issue that people are so very divided on....I find myself going back and forth on how I feel. Sometimes, I feel great pity and sadness for the birth family. I mean, I look at the wonderful child that I am raising and I realize how much they are missing out on. The good and the bad.....they don't ever get to have any of the experiences with the child that they gave birth to. Then there are times where I am spitting mad at them. I have intense anger at them because it is essentially their fault that their children have the emotional scars. I find myself going back and forth between these polar opposite feelings a lot.

I assume that if their birth families weren't so much of a daily subject in my home I wouldn't give them a second thought. But so many of the self esteem issues we struggle with in our home boil down to the fact that they don't believe their birth mothers loved them. Whether I like it or not....That is a big deal for them.

Some people assume that if I would just not mention them, this would end....It doesn't....It is in their minds every day. It is behind most of their behaviors and their tears. This primal heart ache.....

One of my children displays extreme behavior on an almost daily basis. We finally spoke to her therapist about a note that we could keep with us in case some misguided do gooder calls the cops because they are freaked out by her shrieks. This letter doesn't eliminate the behavior but for some reason I feel safer knowing that the note makes it less likely that her shrieking will end in deep trouble for all of us. ( Don't gasp with horror....Again, unless you have lived with a violent child, there is no way you can understand to what measures you must go to keep your child safe.....)

I told the story of one of my trips to Target and another blogger shared her trip to WalMart, those stories bother me. I know that I have done nothing wrong...But those around you don't when this little angelic face is puffy and red from her desperate screams.....It is sad that you need to be so careful but the world is different now.....

Watch out girls......I am going to go full circle....Guess what on earth is the reason she has these crazy, rageful tantrums.....You have it! The trauma of her past....The neglect, the separation from her birth family AND the way her mind processes all of it.

Our family is a work in progress. I truly believe that even though our successes seem limited, we are having successes. Even when I am at my wits end and I feel the lowest, we are better today than we were yesterday....AND That is awesome!

Have a fantastic evening! Be Well!.....

By the way.....my girls are going to my inlaws tomorrow night...So I get to have DATE NIGHT with my wonderful husband!....SO there will not be a blog tomorrow night!

Me

What I like about you......

The Girls were in rare form today.....More meltdowns than if we had 8 toddlers!

When we got back from Therapy, I had the girls get ready for bed and we were having a family meeting in the living room.....After a long period of time, we met back in the living room. Marie said that she was feeling very sad today and asked if we could do the "Five Things" game.

The "Five Things" Game is where each person writes down five positive things about all of the other members of the family. The rules are they can't be non specific things like "she is a good person", it can't be something like "it is funny when she/he farts" or anything else that is really a put down and it can't be a physical attribute. Tonight, I added a twist. They also had to list five good things about themselves.

Marie is very quick and always proud of her answers. When we do this exercise she is quick with her answers and they are always good things. I enjoy the fact that she gets into this stuff. She loves to contribute to our family in a positive way.....She loves to give and receive compliments. Which is just really a joy!

Rose really struggles with this entire exercise. Which is very telling as to where her mind and heart are at this point. She has no self esteem or any sense of self worth which led to her having a very difficult time with giving and receiving compliments. It breaks my heart to watch her struggle with a seemingly simple way to bond as a family....

Even with Rose's struggles, it still remains a very fruitful exercise. It is a break from the seemingly endless train of tantrums and rude comments. We all get the opportunity to sit down and remember the wonderful things we all bring to the table. It is a way for us to feel good about ourselves and to feel good about our fellow family members. Yay me for the idea!

During therapy today, Rose's therapist said we are really doing everything that we can do to help her, it comes down to her willingness to get better. She really isn't there yet.....But on the bright side....her therapist is young and said she will be around for many years.....HAHAHA.....so we have years to deal with this stuff.....it felt good to know that someone else thought we were doing the right things.....It always makes me happy to know that the issue remains on Rose's end and it isn't our lack of parenting skills. We just continue to pray that she has the "Eureka" moment and we can collectively begin to heal as a family.

My husband and I truly enjoy our time alone when the girls go to bed. It is our saving grace. We are so blessed that we have this time alone to enjoy each other and share our quiet times together. I am truly thankful that we have each other on this journey. It is a great comfort to know that we are stuck here together for this grand adventure!

Be Well!

Me

Birth Families!

Ok....so here is a sticky subject for our families! I am not sure what happens in anyone else's family but Birth family is an ever present part of our lives. My children came to me at older ages. Marie was 9 when we met her and she moved in and Rose was 8 when we met her and she moved in. We met both of them after their birth parents had their parental rights revoked.

Both girls had lived with birth families until they were around the age of 5. They both have family histories that are complicated and I won't discuss because I do respect their most personal information. Again, full disclosure, they do know I am writing a blog regarding their birth families. I have promised them what I will and won't share. I love and respect my children and we always discuss these things....NO Shame in my house!

My husband and I read part of a book this past weekend that discussed an adopted child's lack of self worth. Many of them have self esteem issues that begin on the premise that they are unloveable because they could not stay with their birth family. In this book, the author discussed an adoptive mother that gave her son a letter from his birth mother saying that she loved him, thought of him, was proud of him and was really happy that he was being raised by a wonderful family. In the book, there was an amazing ending to this story. In reality, I am not sure that the ending will be "perfect".

I have been thinking about this. My little one, more than my oldest, struggles with those feelings of worthlessness and that she is not lovable. I have decided that perhaps we try this. I mean, we have tried so many other things! We have attended Attachment Therapy, she has been in a psych facility, we go to therapy every week, we read the books, we have done diet changes and vitamins, we say all of the right things, we respond the right way(most of the time!), and we still have this incredibly heart "sick" little girl in our home.

I contacted bio family members tonight. One by email and two by phone. Just so you know, before either of my children moved in, I met their birth mothers. It was my own rule. I always felt that the devil that I do know is better than the devil I don't know. Turns out that they were more sad and pathetic than horrible. I am finding it hard to navigate this part without becoming too personal so I will have to defer this to a later time.

Needless to say, I am truly hoping I will be able to give them these letters and perhaps quiet the beast in their belly. Both girls have deep pain from the loss of their birth family connection. Although it can be challenging and painful to us, I truly feel that they need some sort of closure with their birth family. A letter may not fix anything, it may only create other problems but we may have to navigate more pain to find healing! And that is what we are looking for! To have our children healed!

I want my children to grow up to be secure in themselves and to know what true, unconditional love is. Not only to know what it is but to experience it personally.

Today, after one of my conversations, I have great and wonderful hope for my girls. I wish you the same hope for your own families!

Be Well....

Me

Trauma and Loss

I have spent a lot of time today thinking about trauma. Trauma and loss. I am sure my sister won't mind me telling you what she said last night. She said that coming to my house is very intense and sometimes she doesn't come around for a bit afterwards because she has to recover. I did feel bad for her because it seems as though every time she is here, there is some major drama happening. I don't know whether we have so much drama that we always have an issue going on OR she is just lucky!

This morning my daughter, Rose, was upset with me for once again setting a limit and sticking to it...(that pesky parenting that I do) I explained to her that she was given an opportunity to do what she needed to do and she chose to do the opposite of what I asked and that lead to her being unable to do what she wanted to do. She looked me in the eye and said " so you are putting this on me?" My husband and I laughed so hard. I couldn't help but laugh. She was aghast that I was putting the responsibility for her behavior on her! I wasn't even sure why she was surprised by this but today it struck me as very funny.


I suppose that story really didn't have anything to do with what I intended on talking about. My mind can be such mush sometimes. Plus I don't think you realize I started writing this blog on thursday during my lunch hour and it is now ten on friday night.

I am trying to snap myself out of this muck that I feel that I have become stuck in due to dealing with Trauma and Loss every day....Hey, I brought it back!!!!! ( I deserve the high five I just gave myself) Our kids(personally and collectively) have experienced so much trauma and loss in their young lives that it just oozes out of them. Almost like (warning, gross analogy) if you have ever seen someone that has an infected wound, where the puss just oozes out. Gross yes, but it makes sense. Infected wounds need to be cleaned over and over again, sometimes they have to be dug in and that can be soooo very painful. We have to dig into their trauma and loss to really ever begin to "clean up" their wounds.

The worst part of their wounds....No one sees them but us. Which leads to judgment and well intentioned but ridiculous advice. Which leads to its own wounds. This stuff isn't fun.

Sometimes, I have to take a step back from the behaviors and really spend a great deal of time reminding myself....This has little to do with me. It has to do with her heart being sick....And though she oozes, I am there to help clean it up and heal her past.

I thought that I would share from my heart tonight. I know it isn't full of my usual humor but this is what is in my head tonight...

How can it not when my princess spends so much of her time.....driving me crazy!!!!!

Have a fantastic evening! Be well....Until tomorrow!

Me

Love Story

I think that there are many times that I forget the love part of my relationship with Rose and Marie. I spend an inordinate amount of time in this struggle with them. Me always trying to remain in control and to show them love, and they are always trying to remain in control and proving that I don't love them.

I read in another blog about how much trauma and loss are part of adoption. I have to ask her permission before I post a link to her blog, but she is so correct. Loss on the part of my husband and I, as we were not able to conceive on our own and a greater loss on their part. They lost their birth families and everything they hold to be real.

Then the Foster Care system tosses them around telling them to feel happy that they are living here or there....It must be so very sad for them to worry daily whether this will be the day that the social worker brings them to a new family and new family they are supposed to like. Then at some point they are told that they are going to get a new family that they have to live with forever and they should really love them and think it is super groovy that this family wants them forever.

When in fact, the child feels a lot of anger that you want them to live with you and they are even angrier that you want to love them. The world sees their birth family as inappropriate and harmful. They don't see it that way, they see it as the only family they ever had. I feel as though I haven't done this justice and again I am oversimplifying this. But I also don't feel that I can get to personal with some information, as it is not fair to my children.

Both of my daughters have been gifts from God for my husband and I. As I mentioned, we were not able to conceive our own children. I truly believe that God has a path for each of us. It was sad when I learned that I would not be able to have biological children, but God made a way. My children are my destiny. My calling is raising them.

I was very naive when Marie came to us. I was assured that she was not RAD and that she would easily be able bond with us. I said I was Naive! Within two weeks of moving in, her war against loving us began. Again, this is about my romance so I won't go into detail but after much crying we found a therapist that was as committed to her being a part of our family as we were. The day her adoption was finalized was the day it appeared Marie became reconciled with her past and the hope of her future.

Although, bringing Rose and her trauma in our home brought back the many hurts and losses Marie has experienced, she remains committed to her own emotional well being. She still has her many ups and downs, but I know that she will succeed.

As we felt that we had successfully helped Marie heal, we decided to add another child to our home. Seriously folks...no one told me that a new kid's trauma could trigger the old kid's trauma....Lessons are learned the hard way sometimes!

We were also reassured with Rose that she did have RAD and that she was an angel. I wanted to believe that they were telling me the truth. I mean, I saw her innocent loving face and I was truly in love with her. And if she was not RAD, that meant she could share that love also. Alas, my peeps, there is no child that leaves foster care unscathed. She is charming and beautiful, so no one ever had an inkling of her trauma and the darkness she felt in her heart.

Again, didn't I tell you this was my love story? Not much for romance....huh? I guess I am learning that our love story is neither happy nor sad alone. It is both....mixed in with hurt, disappointment, anger, joy, victory and laughter. I started this blog wanting to share a story that was like "awwwww, what a feel good story...." I suppose we haven't achieved that yet....

But here is something to think about, if you don't have adopted children. You are all strangers at the beginning. There are social workers that match you that tell you "Mom, Dad, meet your kid" "Kid, meet your mom and dad" " Visit for awhile and then you will live together and love each other and you will share your lives together" When you give birth, you have the child from the moment he/she is born. All of your experiences are shared. Adopted kids have many points of reference that are different from yours....No wonder we have blips! Where did I mean to go with that?

My point is, even with the deck seemingly stacked against us. On some level we are succeeding. Having children with RAD has taught me many meaningful lessons. One of the greatest has been that success has many faces and even the little ones can be the most meaningful.....

Sorry if I was too all over the map today. I wanted to say so many things and I was becoming too wordy.

Be well......I truly appreciate all of you that are reading my blog and sharing with me.

God Bless you!

Hugging a Porcupine!

Sounds like quite a feat, right? Those pesky quills! Loving a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is quite similar to hugging a porcupine. When you get close to a porcupine, it uses its quills as a defense mechanism. The quills are a way to protect it from perceived danger. A RAD kid has quills....deadly quills. So many of them have been so neglected and traumatized that they have keenly honed their talents with manipulation.

I find that my youngest child has deadly quills. To the outside world, she is charming and beautiful. She has deftly learned that people respond to her victim act, so she is really good at appearing to need to be rescued. As a beautiful child, people find her helpless act as being attractive and they want to help her with everything. Which is frustrating to me as I know the truth.

Back to her quills....hahaha....you should see my puncture wounds....too many to even count at this point. She is so keyed in on being in survival mode that no matter what happens, she has her foot half way out the door AND she is making nasty comments while she leaves. She used to just tell me that she hated me and that I was a bad mom...I became quite immune to such silly attempts at provoking my anger. She has upped the ante...Now she goes directly for my jugular.

It becomes the eternal struggle between what I think is good and her determination to destroy it. I know in my rational mind that she is traumatized and it is just bleeding out for me to help her. BUT my emotional mind becomes angry and bitter with the continuous barrage of abuse she dishes on me....Why oh why can I not be more mature about this....Shouldn't I be able to just deal with it and not let it affect me?

Alas, my peeps, I am not perfect and no, I can't always deal with this effectively. I am loving her unconditionally, keeping her safe, and doing everything with in my power to help her heal....Beyond that...nothing else I can do....So as I get frustrated and think I am going to have a brain aneurysm, I have to remember....Lighten up and remember I am doing a good job....

Like my pep talk...I needed it.....

Hugging a porcupine is harder than it looks AND I am tired from it....

Be well....Me

Penguins Rock!

I have a confession.....I haven't written in over a week because I have been in a less than stellar mood. My little wonder, Rose, has truly put me through the paces. To the point that I am .....oh never mind.....Time to move on!

Sunday I was given the opportunity to escape from her perpetual wheel of poisoning for a few hours. The day start quite poorly but ended quite well! We went to the New England Aquarium in Boston.....We started out by taking the "T" in because Rose has never been on the subway...What kind of mom doesn't expose their kid to the subway...Um certainly not a mom that loves to people watch!

The city is working on the specific subway line we were on so we had to leave the underground and get on a bus....For those of you that have not experienced Boston streets....They are even scarier when you and your children are standing up in a bus with a freaky bus drive starting and stopping with CRAZY traffic.....But never the less, My baby sister, my two girls,and I safely made it to our first destination....After a seriously over priced lunch at Quincy Market, we walked to the wharf.

By the way....the weather was to die for! Sunny, warm and breezy...Perfection!

I love the Aquarium....I love animals...I am addicted to the show "Growing Up" on the Animal Channel....and I love National Geographic channel, too...I am addicted to most of these reality shows (another blog)....so I love sharks, seals, and other cute fishies....Mostly I love Penguins!

We have adopted penguins as our Forever Family mascot. My kids have both endured great abondonment in their lives. At every turn, they are panicked that they will be just be left....anywhere....grocery stores, library, in the elevator of our building....always ....So I decided to use penguins....Penguins mate for life. They choose one mate for life and never change their minds. In fact, when their mate dies, they are usually so devastated that they lay next to them until they die. Forever means forever.....Of course, Rose did ask if she had to lay next to me and die when I die...because I might smell yucky....(still makes me chuckle)

So now we are Penguin Mommy and Penguin Daddy....and our Penguin Family is forever...It has been the best way to illustrate Forever to kids that have never experienced that before....I bought them each a plush Penguin and btw, my 14 yo daughter has it stuffed in the bottom of her messy, stinky teen backpack....Just she and I know it is there....

Penguins are awesome....and the lessons they helped me teach is pretty important...Rose doesn't quite get it....Maybe she won't for many, many, many years....But Marie understands and I count that as a win for me!

I hope you have a wonderful day....

Be Well and God Bless you!

PS...I have a couple neat pictures of penguins...but Blogspot is having an internal error and won't let me upload the pics....soon I promise...I need sleep now!

Different Colors.....

"Jesus loves the little children. All the children the of the world."


That was always my favorite song to sing when I was in Children's Church and when I used to teach it. I don't know exactly why I shared that but this picture just made me think of that song. Plus in my house I have a biracial child and a child who wishes she was anything but white!

I was actually going to tell the story about how we came to be where were are now. Our Family Love Story. But then I saw this picture and decided to ponder race for a bit. I guess I don't want to really ponder it as much as I was thinking of a funny story about my personal experience with race.

My oldest, Marie, is biracial. She is caucasian and hispanic. We are not exactly sure what her exact hispanic origin is so I kind of float with whatever she decides she is for now. There is a very large Puerto Rican community in this area so she has many Puerto Rican friends so most of the time she likes to be identified as such. She had a Mexican friend and a few Honduran friends....so for a time she was both Mexican and Honduran. See where this goes the more diverse the community is? She so desperately wants to identify ethnically that I have decided that it is more detrimental to go with her flow than refuse her this choice. She is aware of the fact that we are not clear on her ethnicity and I embrace her and love her no matter what her ethnicity.

It has always been fascinating to me that she is so eager to embrace her hispanic heritage. She is half caucasian and yet she never acknowledges this. In fact because Marie identifies herself as wholly being hispanic my younger completely and utterly caucasian daughter identifies herself as being wholly hispanic also. In Rose's case I believe it is to more closely resemble and emulate her older sister.

As Marie grows and matures she is more able to discuss her need for an ethnic identity as she also concedes that when she is around people that more closely resemble her physically, she finds herself feeling out of water. White people see her as being spanish and spanish people see her as white. She has a white family so they perceive her as being white.

Before I adopted Marie I never thought of these things. I thought that loving a child was enough and would make these things inconsequential. And I certainly never thought this would be an issue with a hispanic child. I mean she isn't that much darker than me and is almost of the same coloring of my husband. She had a white mom so it wasn't as though she would be too bummed at having white parents. We even moved to a community that was predominantly hispanic so that she could acclimate easily.

When people see that we have adopted a biracial child they always say, "isn't that nice of you" and they look with that look of....I don't know what it is exactly...but people give you this pity look like awwww she isn't white aren't you a good person...or I had someone I worked with say to me that I should be careful adopting a hispanic girl because they were promiscuous and dressed like harlots....it was their culture....I was stunned ...who says that about your kid? I am a grown up I can take that....

Marie always gets questions like "why did you let a white family adopt you" and it is hard to be 12 or 13 and not be accepted by the white community because you appear to be spanish but the spanish community sees you as white. So you fit nowhere. I never imagined that could happen. So ethnic identity is very important and to encourage it is crucial. They have to be confident in who they are as a person. And no their color doesn't matter or shouldn't but the reality is that it is part of them. So loving them is loving and embracing their color and their ethnicity. It is important whether we think it is or should be.

I like to share funny stories....And this is one I think is funny.

Last December around Marie's 14th birthday, she was invited to her first "teen" birthday party with boys and girls. She was sooooo excited and in the afternoon we went to get the young man who invited her a present. My husband and I were in the front seat and Rose was in the back with Marie. Now, so you know, Marie and Rose are glued to my hip when I am home. They always beg me to drive them places and beg me to take them with me.

Anyhoo..... We are driving along.....

Marie proclaims "Daddy, can you drive me to the party tonight?"

"why?"

"just because I want to bond with you daddy" Marie using her doe eyes.

"i want to drive you there so i can meet the family"

"daddy, can't you meet the family?"

So now my feelings are completely crushed. I always take her to birthday parties. I always meet the parents and I always hang out for a bit with the other adults. I have always done this for her. What is wrong with me?

"no that is MY thing! I am taking you"

"No I don't want you to go...I want DADDY!" She is now being almost hostile.

"Marie, what is your deal? I always go...."

"Mommy, I just want Daddy!:

"No why can't I go...Are you embarrassed because I am fat?"

"NO!!!!"

"Then what?" I just couldn't believe that she was dissing me! What could I possibly have done to embarrass her so I thought for a moment.....

The boy who was having the party was hispanic and everybody at the party was going to be hispanic...AHHHHHH....I am not hispanic....

"I know is it because I am white?"

"What?" Her eyes looked down to the floor and she smiled. When she smiles it always means that I have yet again found out the truth!

"it is because I am white...You don't want your friends to know I am white!" My smile became huge. I was actually quite proud I had become the victim of teen embarrassment. I mean it is inevitable that during their teen years, you will do something that will embarrass them. I just didn't realize the thing I would do was something that I had no control of!

"Sorry, Mommy. I didn't want to hurt your feelings...But all the other parents are spanish....and dad looks spanish and he understands spanish...so I think he should take me....Don't be mad"

"Mad? That rocks...Thanks, Marie! I have never had personal experience with racism against me for being white....So thank you for the experience....." You just never know what will happen next! She teaches me so many lessons....Lessons I didn't even know I needed!

My husband and I both drove her to the party and she did let me take her in. My husband, in fact, should have taken her in because the grandmother was the only one there and she only spoke spanish. He was really the logical choice. I later found out that the only reason I was allowed in was because no one had arrived yet. When she left the party, she waited outside so I didn't have to go inside....Talk about peer pressure...hahahaha....The lessons I learn!

Just a way to finish this off in a way. I embrace and love my daughter's ethnicity. But it is only part of who she is. She is a beautiful, smart, funny, kind and wonderful young lady. I don't think that race, color or ethnicity has anything to do with what is valuable or good about a person. It is the same as whether you are a boy or a girl. There is no one who is more valuable or worthy of anything because of their skin. It is merely a part of the person and part of the truly wonderful gift God has given us as the human race. God has given us the gift of uniqueness and difference. Life would be too boring otherwise....

Be well!

Me