If I were a drinker, I would be in trouble.......

Wow....isn't that a provacative title? Don't worry....I am not over imbibing...I actually don't drink at all. Personal choice that was further solidified when my two children became part of my family. Having alcoholic/drug addicted parents caring for you can really mess you up so I chose to eliminate that fear from their life and not drink simple as that....

But it is really one of those days....If I did drink...I would be three sheets to the wind by now. Having a tough time with little Rosie once again. She doesn't quite get a few concepts that I feel are quite obvious. Then there is a part of me that thinks perhaps her poor behavior is more calculating than I think.

Here is the scenario..... Mother's Day...Her Birthmom calls us, out of the blue and about three years after our last contact. I let Rosie speak to her and we have found out that she has reproduced with another man. Two healthy little boys. They are still in her custody and appear to be happy, healthy family. I don't know how much of this is true and accurate but by all accounts she is not forcing the disasterous childhood on these new children that she gifted to my daughter.

Rosie declares her undying love for her birthmom and sibs. Why wouldn't she? I know that is logical and completely normal for her to feel. She also declared her need for a visit. I spent two days trying to get her to understand that it was okay if she had mixed feelings or even was mad. all NORMAL feelings. She insisted that I was incorrect and she only had love for them.

In therapy, her therapist and I discussed that she needed a far more stable relationship with us to be able to have physical contact with her mother and phone contact should be minimal at most. All things I agree with. Rosie was given clear expectations for how this would happen. Which included an end to physically acting out against us and an in general more respectful relationship with us.

In my mind, knowing her as well as I do, she would straighten up because she is very good at doing what she has to do to get what she really, really wants. But she has done quite the opposite. Her physical aggression has increased and she is more disrepectful than she has been in forever. Obviously, she is in no way ready for a visit. But I wonder if knowing that this prevents the visit, she knows that we will stop the visit and she won't have to confront her past with her birthmother. I wonder if on some level she knows that we are the safe place for her and that we are her refuge during the storm. Which means we are a little farther along than I ever imagined we would get...

Any thoughts?

January 4, 2009

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!

K

Lessons I Have Learned

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an Amen...lol)

Focus..K...focus!

Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the case...at all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope for....is much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!

We have come along way, Baby!

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

Do or Do Not. There is no try.....

The great Yoda is responsible for that quote. I personally don't have any feelings either way for Star Wars...But even if it is from a movie...I think it is unbelievably profound.

We went to the rtc today and they have decided that Rose is appropriately stable and she is able to come home on friday.

I am having many mixed feelings about this. I have not blogged much because this all has taken an incredible toll on me emotionally. I have truly sat on my butt for the last two weeks and taken the time to breathe. I haven't cleaned my house in two weeks, laundry isn't folded, and I need an oil change....Any volunteers to come help me? hahahahah....I needed the time to baby myself. I have had to learn to allow myself to relax....Which took a long time. My own defense mechanisms had been so strong that it took me a good 8 or 9 days to take it down a notch. I am a very high strung person so that is a big deal for me....hahaha....

Back to Rose coming home. When we had our meeting this morning....services available to us....none really.....beyond what we are already accessing...we are doing everything correctly....we provide her with love, nurturing,and safety....It will just continue to take time...(sigh) Hard to hear this when you feel as though the process is never complete. We love her but we find her behaviors challenging...

Back to Yoda.....I find that I fall into the "try" mentality.....I need to just do it or not do it...I am wasting my life away just trying.....

My commitment to Rose is worth more than just giving it a try....She deserves my doing it or not doing it....So I am doing it...I am committing to her coming home and our family healing....I am doing my best to make sure that happens...Trying implies I could fail...Doing implies I will succeed....Talk about power of positive thinking.....

I am convincing myself as much as I am convincing anyone else.....At least you all know I will have more blogs...I am guaranteed that this roller coaster ride will continue for a long time!...Might as well sit back and enjoy it....

Be well....

Birth Families part two......

This seems to be an issue that people are so very divided on....I find myself going back and forth on how I feel. Sometimes, I feel great pity and sadness for the birth family. I mean, I look at the wonderful child that I am raising and I realize how much they are missing out on. The good and the bad.....they don't ever get to have any of the experiences with the child that they gave birth to. Then there are times where I am spitting mad at them. I have intense anger at them because it is essentially their fault that their children have the emotional scars. I find myself going back and forth between these polar opposite feelings a lot.

I assume that if their birth families weren't so much of a daily subject in my home I wouldn't give them a second thought. But so many of the self esteem issues we struggle with in our home boil down to the fact that they don't believe their birth mothers loved them. Whether I like it or not....That is a big deal for them.

Some people assume that if I would just not mention them, this would end....It doesn't....It is in their minds every day. It is behind most of their behaviors and their tears. This primal heart ache.....

One of my children displays extreme behavior on an almost daily basis. We finally spoke to her therapist about a note that we could keep with us in case some misguided do gooder calls the cops because they are freaked out by her shrieks. This letter doesn't eliminate the behavior but for some reason I feel safer knowing that the note makes it less likely that her shrieking will end in deep trouble for all of us. ( Don't gasp with horror....Again, unless you have lived with a violent child, there is no way you can understand to what measures you must go to keep your child safe.....)

I told the story of one of my trips to Target and another blogger shared her trip to WalMart, those stories bother me. I know that I have done nothing wrong...But those around you don't when this little angelic face is puffy and red from her desperate screams.....It is sad that you need to be so careful but the world is different now.....

Watch out girls......I am going to go full circle....Guess what on earth is the reason she has these crazy, rageful tantrums.....You have it! The trauma of her past....The neglect, the separation from her birth family AND the way her mind processes all of it.

Our family is a work in progress. I truly believe that even though our successes seem limited, we are having successes. Even when I am at my wits end and I feel the lowest, we are better today than we were yesterday....AND That is awesome!

Have a fantastic evening! Be Well!.....

By the way.....my girls are going to my inlaws tomorrow night...So I get to have DATE NIGHT with my wonderful husband!....SO there will not be a blog tomorrow night!

Me

96 Hours and Counting!

Today was a good day! It was a very big milestone for Rose. It was four days without a tantrum....Four days...I am sure in the "normal" world that is not big deal, right? Well, with kids like mine...you count hours not days....so that is 96 hours without a tantrum.

And it is super impressive considering the conversation we had last night about bio family. Which is always a tantrum starter. But we seem to be seeing the beginnings of a healthy heart. I heard rumors of this in Attachment Therapy but to be honest, I had little hope would happen. She has been too traumatized, too damaged. But perhaps God has been waiting all of this time to teach us a lesson in patience and in trust.

I have to say that she has been trying to get my attention for weeks with her tap dancing and all because she wanted to be the main focus of my blog. Yet it was her most basic of all gifts that have made her the topic of choice tonight.

The getting a healthy heart is really important. It means she is allowing us into her heart, she is trusting us more and relying less on her own devices. For instance, yesterday she asked me a very pointed question about her bio mom. The answer knocked the wind right out of her sails.

I believe in honesty, even when it is painful. The only way they will ever trust us is if they can always count on us to be truthful. Of course, we are never cruel or mean for the sake of being so but when you're dealing with loss and abandonment with a child who has been both...Sometimes the answers are hard and feel quite cruel. But our jobs as parents are to be there to love them and support them and help them heal. And a huge part of that is honesty.

So I knocked the wind right out of her sails....The conversation was actually very difficult for all of us and of course she did it at the Food Court at the Mall....Talking about bio family with an adopted child is very difficult. They have so many mixed feelings. They love you but they feel that is a huge betrayal of their love for bio parents. So when the subject comes up they become defensive and they appear to be turning on you. It is a wound that never seems to heal on anyone's part.

She sat a few minutes and looked me in the eye and said "I don't really like you anymore!" I winced a bit and waited for more....there wasn't more....we talked more in the car about it...because beyond being a glutton for punishment, I felt that I had to make sure where her head space was. She said " I don't like it when you tell me that stuff, it makes me angry..." Again I praised her for expressing those feelings and that I completely understood how she could feel those things. I went on to express my feelings about her safety and emotional health being my utmost concern. She still didn't like it but conceded I was right....

See she is really getting healthy!

Today...still no tantrum and she went through the day expressing feelings and even when she was ready to implode....together we chose to keep the healthy growing....

So, Rose here you go baby...This one is for you....You rock....We have many miles still to go on our journey towards being a healthy family unit but you are getting healthier and that is a true miracle for us all to share!

Oh and the ice cream is in honor of Rose....She would do anything for food....Ice cream included...

I promise I will get back to the food issue thing....Tonight I am just super content knowing that my little girl's making big strides....

To paraphrase Sally Fields one year when she won some big award...."She likes us...She really likes us!"

Be well.....
Me