Man, I am lazy

Can you believe I haven't been on here since January....I am a blog loser! I miss you guys...I have developed a fairly sick addiction to Facebook....My new mistress....So please forgive me that I have been so neglectful to you...my dear friends!

Many things have changed....yet is all still the same....Does that make sense? I don't even know where to begin..Perhaps as I get back into the swing of my blog I will go backwards but today I will stay where I am....In the present.

Marie really struggling right now. She doesn't seem to be able to get out of her own mind these days. I don't know what is going on in her head. She is keeping it very close to her heart. She had a really extreme rage last weds. And yesterday she attempted to spin so far out of control that we would hospitalize her. Thank God for my parents. They swooped in to provide her a place to get things a little clearer in her mind.

She has requested contact with her birth mother. We have had two phone calls that seem to go well. B-mom has done an excellent job at being appropriate and nurturing....Which is a wonderful change from the early years. As much as she feels she needs this contact, it is bringing up a lot of mixed feeling for her. Which I completely understand. The rush of emotion must be so hard for her young mind to wrap around. We are plugging along though...Just plugging along...What else can we do but deal with it! It breaks my heart to watch her struggle like this...I just want to make it all better.....

Rose's Turn!

I don't dare say what I am about to say....because I know the pendulum will again swing the other way....And I will come to you begging for your shoulder....She is doing good....I mean she has a fiesty personality....so she is always a smidge difficult and she loves to see if she can piss me off...(please forgive my language) but for the most part...she is making good choices...She hasn't flown off the handle. She has been able to take a deep breath and accept no....Although she still thinks that the seatbelt wants to boss her around because she has to wear it....lol ....no lie....And the added benefit is that I can tolerate cuddling with her. We aren't at war...we have a peace between us....which is amazing....three and a half years for this....But I have to say....I love every minute of it!

So here is where I am....I am learning to be grateful for my life. I am continually learning that there is hope and goodness in everything that happens....AND I am also learning to be patient....and quiet...You have to be quiet sometimes to hear the good that is happening.....I forget this...ALOT!

Be Well,

Queen Mommy

January 4, 2009

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!

K

Lessons I Have Learned

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an Amen...lol)

Focus..K...focus!

Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the case...at all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope for....is much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!

We have come along way, Baby!

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

I am baaaaaaack!

Ok, my friends, I am back! Well, I am back for today...I can't promise you beyond that. I am sure it will be such a shock but Rosie is still a pistol! She truly is a challenge for me...I am sure that is also not a shocker!

I have been struggling with a very depressive state as of late! The stress of caring for her has really done a number on me. At first, I wasn't going to say anything but I decided....It is what it is and I can't be embarrassed or ashamed for what is going on.

For the short term, I have chosen to use medication. Although, I don't advocate medication as the "cure all" for life's adversity....It seems to be helping me cope. I was truly struggling with panic and anxiety. It was becoming debilitating in how it was affecting my life.

I think part of it is going through the stages of grief. Which I am not sure I have ever done before. I guess I never thought I had to...But I think that I am ready to now....Or maybe I was in the Anger stage for a very long time...Now I am in the depression stage. I know that you don't go through the stages in order and you can revisit one stage many times.

I never thought of this relationship with Rose as causing me to make this journey. Her constant attacks and her trauma has been difficult on our family. I have had to reevaluate how I feel about this situation. It isn't that I don't have hope, it isn't that I don't think she can heal. I have hope, I know she can heal. The frustrating thing is that I feel that she is purposely not. I don't know why. I don't know if it is fear on her part or she isn't ready to move past her anger. I don't know...I don't need anyone to explain it to me....I have been in therapy for a very long time....

Today's blog is about me...not her. I don't want an explanation of her. She is who she is. And right now that is all I care about. I am doing the best I can for her. I have put my own health and emotional well being on hold to deal with her shenanigans...AND I WON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! I think as a society, moms are told we must sacrifice everything to be a good mom. AND that simply is not the truth. If you are compromised in some fashion, you can't give your children your best. Your children don't need all of you...they need the best you can give them.

This may be too personal but I am going to share it anyway. Saturday....I didn't get out of bed till 5pm! That isn't too unusual over the past couple of months! My husband had arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to get out of bed. My wonderful husband is so dedicated to me. I am so lucky to have him. He has taken such good care of me including taking care of the house as I have been going through this. I did get up and I went out with our friends. It was then that I realized how bad it had gotten. I also realized how important it was for us to go out without our kids.

My friend babysat for us....and you know what...she did a great job! She handled them quite well and was even able to deal with Rosie! I felt so relieved that I have another person I can trust with my children. I also have a friend who fosters that is great with my kids...but she is busy with her own brood. My sister and my mom have always been the only ones I trust with my children but they are both in college and very busy so I feel guilty asking them to help me...they have their own stuff! I don't want to bother them with my "stuff".....

My husband enjoyed having me to himself so much that he and I have promised each other that we will have more date nights!!!! Which we need....Our marriage is the most important relationship in our home!

Ok....so I am off of my pedestal! I just had to unload some stuff.....I am feeling great today! I am coming out of my cave and ready to tackle whatever the future has for me! Including more battles with Rosie.....What would life be if I didn't have that adventure to look forward to!

Also....If I haven't said it enough.....I have the most wonderful husband on the earth....Thank you, Honey! I love you!

Do or Do Not. There is no try.....

The great Yoda is responsible for that quote. I personally don't have any feelings either way for Star Wars...But even if it is from a movie...I think it is unbelievably profound.

We went to the rtc today and they have decided that Rose is appropriately stable and she is able to come home on friday.

I am having many mixed feelings about this. I have not blogged much because this all has taken an incredible toll on me emotionally. I have truly sat on my butt for the last two weeks and taken the time to breathe. I haven't cleaned my house in two weeks, laundry isn't folded, and I need an oil change....Any volunteers to come help me? hahahahah....I needed the time to baby myself. I have had to learn to allow myself to relax....Which took a long time. My own defense mechanisms had been so strong that it took me a good 8 or 9 days to take it down a notch. I am a very high strung person so that is a big deal for me....hahaha....

Back to Rose coming home. When we had our meeting this morning....services available to us....none really.....beyond what we are already accessing...we are doing everything correctly....we provide her with love, nurturing,and safety....It will just continue to take time...(sigh) Hard to hear this when you feel as though the process is never complete. We love her but we find her behaviors challenging...

Back to Yoda.....I find that I fall into the "try" mentality.....I need to just do it or not do it...I am wasting my life away just trying.....

My commitment to Rose is worth more than just giving it a try....She deserves my doing it or not doing it....So I am doing it...I am committing to her coming home and our family healing....I am doing my best to make sure that happens...Trying implies I could fail...Doing implies I will succeed....Talk about power of positive thinking.....

I am convincing myself as much as I am convincing anyone else.....At least you all know I will have more blogs...I am guaranteed that this roller coaster ride will continue for a long time!...Might as well sit back and enjoy it....

Be well....

Hurray for my kids.......

I am stealing this in total from another blog. She has already given me permission for this but I am also linking to her because her blog amazes me.....She is awesome!

http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/


Thanks, Brenda!

Good Things about my kids.....


Marie: Totally blew off her 4pm curfew AND when she came home she was calm, apologized, made amends and accepted her consequences.....Strides have been made!

Rose: She and I were able to complete an activity without her commandeering control. She "Let" me take the reigns.....Strides are being made!

Me: I didn't go nuts today....hahahaha....AND I maintained patience with the other! Both things I struggle with.....

I wish you a good day also! I love those feel good moments!

Love Is......

LOVE

IS......


I think that my kids have no idea what true love feels. They are terrified of trusting someone that much. To allow them to be that close to them. I am going to try something new with them. I just spent time explaining this Bible verse to my daughter. I guess I don't really have much to talk about today.

But as over used as this passage is, I think it rings true for every type of love relationship that we have as humans. We had this read at our wedding. I know that is probably read at alot of weddings...I know I know... I think that it is something to read to our children, too. A simple lesson on what LOVE truly is. In concrete, understandable terms.....

I Corinthians 13:1-13

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I am actually going to CVS tomorrow pm and I am going to get poster board.....I am going to break the passage up into easily digestable phrases and I am going to hang them around the house.....

In their bathroom, I have small phrases about their positive qualities posted on either side of the mirror. and in their bedroom, I have taped on the wall, promises that we have made to them...i.e. we promise to love them, to keep them safe, to feed them, keep them warm, laugh with them, have fun with them, and be their family forever.... It has seemed to work so far....they get upset anytime I have said I wanted to take the curled up pages down...So I think I will try this again....after all.....love....believes all things.....A lesson for me, too....

Have a wonderful night......Be Well.....

Birth Families part two......

This seems to be an issue that people are so very divided on....I find myself going back and forth on how I feel. Sometimes, I feel great pity and sadness for the birth family. I mean, I look at the wonderful child that I am raising and I realize how much they are missing out on. The good and the bad.....they don't ever get to have any of the experiences with the child that they gave birth to. Then there are times where I am spitting mad at them. I have intense anger at them because it is essentially their fault that their children have the emotional scars. I find myself going back and forth between these polar opposite feelings a lot.

I assume that if their birth families weren't so much of a daily subject in my home I wouldn't give them a second thought. But so many of the self esteem issues we struggle with in our home boil down to the fact that they don't believe their birth mothers loved them. Whether I like it or not....That is a big deal for them.

Some people assume that if I would just not mention them, this would end....It doesn't....It is in their minds every day. It is behind most of their behaviors and their tears. This primal heart ache.....

One of my children displays extreme behavior on an almost daily basis. We finally spoke to her therapist about a note that we could keep with us in case some misguided do gooder calls the cops because they are freaked out by her shrieks. This letter doesn't eliminate the behavior but for some reason I feel safer knowing that the note makes it less likely that her shrieking will end in deep trouble for all of us. ( Don't gasp with horror....Again, unless you have lived with a violent child, there is no way you can understand to what measures you must go to keep your child safe.....)

I told the story of one of my trips to Target and another blogger shared her trip to WalMart, those stories bother me. I know that I have done nothing wrong...But those around you don't when this little angelic face is puffy and red from her desperate screams.....It is sad that you need to be so careful but the world is different now.....

Watch out girls......I am going to go full circle....Guess what on earth is the reason she has these crazy, rageful tantrums.....You have it! The trauma of her past....The neglect, the separation from her birth family AND the way her mind processes all of it.

Our family is a work in progress. I truly believe that even though our successes seem limited, we are having successes. Even when I am at my wits end and I feel the lowest, we are better today than we were yesterday....AND That is awesome!

Have a fantastic evening! Be Well!.....

By the way.....my girls are going to my inlaws tomorrow night...So I get to have DATE NIGHT with my wonderful husband!....SO there will not be a blog tomorrow night!

Me

What I like about you......

The Girls were in rare form today.....More meltdowns than if we had 8 toddlers!

When we got back from Therapy, I had the girls get ready for bed and we were having a family meeting in the living room.....After a long period of time, we met back in the living room. Marie said that she was feeling very sad today and asked if we could do the "Five Things" game.

The "Five Things" Game is where each person writes down five positive things about all of the other members of the family. The rules are they can't be non specific things like "she is a good person", it can't be something like "it is funny when she/he farts" or anything else that is really a put down and it can't be a physical attribute. Tonight, I added a twist. They also had to list five good things about themselves.

Marie is very quick and always proud of her answers. When we do this exercise she is quick with her answers and they are always good things. I enjoy the fact that she gets into this stuff. She loves to contribute to our family in a positive way.....She loves to give and receive compliments. Which is just really a joy!

Rose really struggles with this entire exercise. Which is very telling as to where her mind and heart are at this point. She has no self esteem or any sense of self worth which led to her having a very difficult time with giving and receiving compliments. It breaks my heart to watch her struggle with a seemingly simple way to bond as a family....

Even with Rose's struggles, it still remains a very fruitful exercise. It is a break from the seemingly endless train of tantrums and rude comments. We all get the opportunity to sit down and remember the wonderful things we all bring to the table. It is a way for us to feel good about ourselves and to feel good about our fellow family members. Yay me for the idea!

During therapy today, Rose's therapist said we are really doing everything that we can do to help her, it comes down to her willingness to get better. She really isn't there yet.....But on the bright side....her therapist is young and said she will be around for many years.....HAHAHA.....so we have years to deal with this stuff.....it felt good to know that someone else thought we were doing the right things.....It always makes me happy to know that the issue remains on Rose's end and it isn't our lack of parenting skills. We just continue to pray that she has the "Eureka" moment and we can collectively begin to heal as a family.

My husband and I truly enjoy our time alone when the girls go to bed. It is our saving grace. We are so blessed that we have this time alone to enjoy each other and share our quiet times together. I am truly thankful that we have each other on this journey. It is a great comfort to know that we are stuck here together for this grand adventure!

Be Well!

Me

My Lucky Day!

My husband was reading a book earlier this week, the author was talking about his 30th High School Reunion. He then started to count how many years he has been out of high school. 19 years.....19 years and next year would be 20 (like my math skills?). He contacted a woman from his graduating class to see what was planned for the momentous year. God clearly knew what we needed!

His classmate is someone he has always been fond of and apparently with good reason....She is now one of my favorite people, too! (J-sorry for sucking up, but you don't realize the gift you are giving us!) J* has a motel on Cape Cod. She has kindly offered us a room at her motel. The Cape is a hopping place during the summer and for her to offer to make sure we got a room during the "In Season" rocks.....

The summer can be such a long and trying time for RAD families. Our kids struggle a great deal when there isn't strict schedules that they have to adhere to. My kids hate not knowing what will happen at 11:37 am everyday. During the summer, there is no way to guarantee that the same way they can when they know exactly where their behind will be sitting at 11:37 am once September comes.

So sometimes it is nice to really throw them off and go away for the weekend! Every April we go to Vermont on a long weekend. It is so much fun but even in that we have tradition. We go the same weekend every year and every year we go to Vermont Teddy Bear Factory and the Shelburne Country Store. Every year we get a teddy bear when we are at the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory. Every year we buy "penny" candy at the Country Store. And Every Year we swim at the hotel swimming pool and stay at the same hotel. Every year we stop at the same mid way pit stop and we get gas as the same gas station. We even play the same get a dollar if you can name the Vermont state capitol. They Love it and it makes things less anxiety ridden when we have a "routine" for that trip.

When we offered this opportunity, I wasn't sure at first. But I decided that we need a break. Perhaps we will have great success and we will have another safe place to get away....Plus now I can be like everyone in Massachusetts and I can answer the what did you do this weekend question with "oh I was on the Cape" Sometimes I need "normal", too!

I was reading another mom's blog today....She is really neat! I am thankful that she found me....I have her listed in the blogs that I read (her blog is "Living with RAD"). Actually, I think every blog that I have listed is fantastic...I am sure if you enjoy mine, you would find enjoyment in theirs too! Oh yeah...about her blog....every weekend she lists something positive about her kids...I think that is such a fantastic thing because it takes the focus away from the hard times....so I am hoping she doesn't get upset but I am going to do the same.....Thanks, Brenda!

Marie: She is such a positive kid. She is extremely helpful and I enjoy all the times I get to share with her.

Rose: She is extremely good at doing chores! She excels at organizing things and folding laundry! I enjoy watching her be so exact with the folding of my clothes. She is very earnest with showing us that she can do a good job and she does!

Be Well!

Mama Mia.....

I saw Mama Mia tonight with my oldest daughter and my sister. The movie was terrible....we were checking our watches ten minutes in! And that was sooo disappointing considering all the fantastic actors in the movie. The best part of the movie was the time I got to spend with my oldest daughter doing something we rarely get to do....laughing so hard we couldn't breathe! Actually, truth be told...we laughed so hard....I peed my pants...literally peed my pants. It was as if we had so needed that kind of wonderful loving release that I literally could not stop myself.

I am sure that the other movie goers were less than impressed with us. We were loud and obnoxious! Soooo much fun in an awful movie....Good company equals good times.
I enjoy these times where we just get to be mom and kid and not dealing with another struggle or another hurt.

Marie got some difficult news about half an hour before we went to the movie so I know that she and I needed to giggle and snort with my sister. And the positive interaction led to her being relaxed enough to process her bad news when we got home. So on all fronts it was a much needed escape.

Be well and Have a wonderful night!

Love Story

I think that there are many times that I forget the love part of my relationship with Rose and Marie. I spend an inordinate amount of time in this struggle with them. Me always trying to remain in control and to show them love, and they are always trying to remain in control and proving that I don't love them.

I read in another blog about how much trauma and loss are part of adoption. I have to ask her permission before I post a link to her blog, but she is so correct. Loss on the part of my husband and I, as we were not able to conceive on our own and a greater loss on their part. They lost their birth families and everything they hold to be real.

Then the Foster Care system tosses them around telling them to feel happy that they are living here or there....It must be so very sad for them to worry daily whether this will be the day that the social worker brings them to a new family and new family they are supposed to like. Then at some point they are told that they are going to get a new family that they have to live with forever and they should really love them and think it is super groovy that this family wants them forever.

When in fact, the child feels a lot of anger that you want them to live with you and they are even angrier that you want to love them. The world sees their birth family as inappropriate and harmful. They don't see it that way, they see it as the only family they ever had. I feel as though I haven't done this justice and again I am oversimplifying this. But I also don't feel that I can get to personal with some information, as it is not fair to my children.

Both of my daughters have been gifts from God for my husband and I. As I mentioned, we were not able to conceive our own children. I truly believe that God has a path for each of us. It was sad when I learned that I would not be able to have biological children, but God made a way. My children are my destiny. My calling is raising them.

I was very naive when Marie came to us. I was assured that she was not RAD and that she would easily be able bond with us. I said I was Naive! Within two weeks of moving in, her war against loving us began. Again, this is about my romance so I won't go into detail but after much crying we found a therapist that was as committed to her being a part of our family as we were. The day her adoption was finalized was the day it appeared Marie became reconciled with her past and the hope of her future.

Although, bringing Rose and her trauma in our home brought back the many hurts and losses Marie has experienced, she remains committed to her own emotional well being. She still has her many ups and downs, but I know that she will succeed.

As we felt that we had successfully helped Marie heal, we decided to add another child to our home. Seriously folks...no one told me that a new kid's trauma could trigger the old kid's trauma....Lessons are learned the hard way sometimes!

We were also reassured with Rose that she did have RAD and that she was an angel. I wanted to believe that they were telling me the truth. I mean, I saw her innocent loving face and I was truly in love with her. And if she was not RAD, that meant she could share that love also. Alas, my peeps, there is no child that leaves foster care unscathed. She is charming and beautiful, so no one ever had an inkling of her trauma and the darkness she felt in her heart.

Again, didn't I tell you this was my love story? Not much for romance....huh? I guess I am learning that our love story is neither happy nor sad alone. It is both....mixed in with hurt, disappointment, anger, joy, victory and laughter. I started this blog wanting to share a story that was like "awwwww, what a feel good story...." I suppose we haven't achieved that yet....

But here is something to think about, if you don't have adopted children. You are all strangers at the beginning. There are social workers that match you that tell you "Mom, Dad, meet your kid" "Kid, meet your mom and dad" " Visit for awhile and then you will live together and love each other and you will share your lives together" When you give birth, you have the child from the moment he/she is born. All of your experiences are shared. Adopted kids have many points of reference that are different from yours....No wonder we have blips! Where did I mean to go with that?

My point is, even with the deck seemingly stacked against us. On some level we are succeeding. Having children with RAD has taught me many meaningful lessons. One of the greatest has been that success has many faces and even the little ones can be the most meaningful.....

Sorry if I was too all over the map today. I wanted to say so many things and I was becoming too wordy.

Be well......I truly appreciate all of you that are reading my blog and sharing with me.

God Bless you!

The Circle of Life

We can learn lessons from Disney. Did you know that? You can. For instance "The Lion King" taught me about the circle of life. I guess being a human being will teach you the same thing. Life is not linear, it is cyclical and there are good times and bad times. Well, my peeps, I am having a bad time. Please stick with me! I won't use this blog as a way to be a big fat baby, but I am also learning that this is my release. Having a challenging child is quite stressful and this is my release. I am enjoying the comments and I hope that you know I enjoy them very much!

We need each other in this vast universe that we are navigating with our Adopted children who have shared experiences. It is not a failure to share your experiences and to hurt when your child hurts. So please keep in touch with me...I LOVE hearing from you!

Hugging a Porcupine!

Sounds like quite a feat, right? Those pesky quills! Loving a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is quite similar to hugging a porcupine. When you get close to a porcupine, it uses its quills as a defense mechanism. The quills are a way to protect it from perceived danger. A RAD kid has quills....deadly quills. So many of them have been so neglected and traumatized that they have keenly honed their talents with manipulation.

I find that my youngest child has deadly quills. To the outside world, she is charming and beautiful. She has deftly learned that people respond to her victim act, so she is really good at appearing to need to be rescued. As a beautiful child, people find her helpless act as being attractive and they want to help her with everything. Which is frustrating to me as I know the truth.

Back to her quills....hahaha....you should see my puncture wounds....too many to even count at this point. She is so keyed in on being in survival mode that no matter what happens, she has her foot half way out the door AND she is making nasty comments while she leaves. She used to just tell me that she hated me and that I was a bad mom...I became quite immune to such silly attempts at provoking my anger. She has upped the ante...Now she goes directly for my jugular.

It becomes the eternal struggle between what I think is good and her determination to destroy it. I know in my rational mind that she is traumatized and it is just bleeding out for me to help her. BUT my emotional mind becomes angry and bitter with the continuous barrage of abuse she dishes on me....Why oh why can I not be more mature about this....Shouldn't I be able to just deal with it and not let it affect me?

Alas, my peeps, I am not perfect and no, I can't always deal with this effectively. I am loving her unconditionally, keeping her safe, and doing everything with in my power to help her heal....Beyond that...nothing else I can do....So as I get frustrated and think I am going to have a brain aneurysm, I have to remember....Lighten up and remember I am doing a good job....

Like my pep talk...I needed it.....

Hugging a porcupine is harder than it looks AND I am tired from it....

Be well....Me

Kids......

Ok, I know you were all biting your nails and didn't sleep last night because you were dying to know all about Marie's dance. I want to make sure you can all sleep tonight....

First of all, she was so beautiful last night. She is just growing up and I am really having a hard time with that....Let's see if I have come to terms with it when she graduates in 2012.....

She had so much fun. It was dark and the music was loud. She was bummed because she couldn't take pictures with her phone. BUT two out of this world things happened. She got to slow dance with the boy of her dreams AND Chris Brown was the last song played....And the DJ dedicated it to her. So she said "See Mom the world does revolve around me" As she danced around the living room. Although I wasn't sure if it was dancing or perhaps she was having some type of seizure...But I was right when I assumed it was dancing....I still maintain...sometimes you can't tell the difference.

When we adopted her, I thought she would be able to teach me rhythm because she was a latina...And we have all seen how well the sassy Latina girls can move...NOT my Marie! She has less rhythm than me....So she was of no help to me.

This fact and the fact that she can't carry a tune don't bode well for her all time dream to be THE AMERICAN IDOL or a choreographer.....She is so unbelievably close to being my clone...It is freaky...I mean what are the odds that I would adopt my clone.... someone just like me....well except the whole being on my own planet thing....She alone owns that!

These kids crack me up....The pool opened in our complex this week. We count the days to this beginning in March! It is only about 70 degrees out and they were totally into jumping in to the pool today. There are pool rules. One of which is putting your hair in a bun or wear a swim cap and another is no running and jumping in the pool...

Apparently there were people that weren't following the rules. I made Rosie search the home for a specific clip before she could go swimming. Needless to say, they both run into the apt to tell me that it isn't fair that they have to follow rules and NO ONE else ever does. And they wanted to know why they had to.....And I got to say the thing I hated the most when I was growing up...but as a parent is totally fun to say....You can't say it often but sometimes you have to.....i said...."Because I am your mother and I said so".....They both shrunk into their chairs, deflated....You can't argue with Mommy logic!

Then Rose said..." Sometimes I wish you were a bad mom like the moms that don't make their kids listen" Man, that made me bust a gut.....I actually was quite proud of myself when she said that....because I was certainly expecting to hear that I totally suck! Bonus points!

BTW, the picture is just the Bald Eagle at the Ecotarium in Worcester, MA. He rocks and it was something different than yet another picture of my kids!

AND my sister rocks....I heard that she reads these blogs and so she now gets her byline...See I told you if you let me know who you are...I would mention you....

Oh yeah...I have to keep that promise....Thanks, Michelle, Jess and Jen ( my college roommate) You all rock and I appreciate your kind words and the encouragement that you are giving me....Thank you....

Me!

Be Well....I don't think it is that great of a catch phrase....But I haven't found one yet sooo that is what you get right now!

We will miss you, Tim Russert!

I try to say something interesting in the title. And that title certainly may not seem as though it has anything to do with this picture...

but it just may....

If you aren't aware of this. NBC Washington Bureau Chief, Tim Russert, passed away on Friday afternoon. Doing what he loved, working on Meet the Press. I suppose if anyone out there knows anything about me, they know I love the news.

I actually become quite fond of the reporters that I watch on TV ever day. And I was saddened when I heard that Tim died, as was most everyone on TV. This weekend, I watched NBC every time I knew the news was on. I watched Meet The Press, then watched the replays on other news shows....Yes I know dorky...But I really get into this stuff. I learned a lot about Tim Russert. He was an honorable, kind, giving, wonderful man with an amazing legacy for his son.

He was the most proud of his son. What a wonderful young man he seems to be from the interviews and pictures. And by all accounts Tim truly was as wonderful and gracious as they are portraying him.

So this makes me think of my own legacy. What do I leave my own children? I haven't quite got that figured out yet. But I can only hope and pray that they know that I love them with all of my heart and soul. I hope that they know how proud I am of them and how much I believe in them. I hope they know that I spent hours and hours praying to God that I would teach them everything they need to know and that I would be a good example to them. I have not accrued riches or celebrity...But I have a family that I adore and I am happier than I could have ever imagined I would be. (yes even with all of the obstacles that we face)

My children are what I have to show for my life's work. All of my blood, sweat and tears have gone into these children and I am proud of our accomplishments thus far. We have many miles yet to go....But as I said...I am not through yet....

I will miss seeing Tim every morning on the Today Show. I pray that his family find comfort in all of the well wishes of those who cared for him so deeply.

Sorry, Kris...this Marie going into HS thing is really making me sentimental. No funny stories to share...Wait till after Thursday, when school is finished....I am sure they will give me more stories....Plus you know I have tons in my head.....Just haven't found the right day to write them....

Be well.....

My little Pumpkin!

I don't want to make it a habit to put pictures of my children on this blog. I want to respect their privacy and I don't want to advertise pictures of them online.

BUT really, I had to share this picture. This is my kid...In every sense of what she embodies. She is beautiful and she has this infectious smile. Actually, you can almost see the giggle burst out of her!

Back story to this picture.....

she forgot to put deodorant on before she put the dress on...So after I did a fantastic job with her hair and my sister rocked out her makeup....we realized she still had stinky pits....so my sister put deodorant on for her and Marie is super ticklish....hence busting a gut during the glamorous picture!

Here is where I get sentimental. This is my kid. I still sometimes get so choked up to realize that she belongs to us. She is just this totally amazing kid that has beat the odds so many times. She is standing in my kitchen, posing for a picture as she continues to become an amazing young woman. I am struck by how much of a wonderful young woman she is becoming...I am bursting with pride....Can you tell?

I hope your evening is full of fits of giggles!

Bedazzled.....

I have come to the conclusion that I am over thinking this stuff....You have no idea how many ideas are swimming through my mind at any given moment. Like today....I suppose most people will not truly get the humor in this story because they don't know my teen daughter.

Small background.....She is a free spirit....I mean completely free spirit...the drummer she follows isn't in our galaxy....I can write way too many blogs on that alone. The football dream has ended quite quickly. Similar to the many other fancies that float by her in any given day. So I am relieved to say I won't have to go to football games to watch my feminist daughter this fall.....She has been doing a really fantastic job, above the call of duty types of chores for me so I rewarded her with some money.

Today is above 90 and super humid...So we made the trip out to the Holyoke Mall and the Yankee Candle factory....( for those of you not familiar with Massachusetts, I live near the center of the state and that is west of us by about an hour and a half, near the CT border) Our theory was AC in the car ride out there....AC in the Mall and YC Factory....AC at Trader Joe's....AC coming home....And we were gone from 11:30 am to 8 pm......SOOOOOO no hot apt without the AC on yet...(not till the 15th!) Good Plan......

Holyoke Mall is fairly large......So it takes a long time to walk around. I let my 14 yo have her taste of freedom trekking the mall (cell phone in tote...so I can make sure they are safe)...I gave her suggestions for treats....ie...shoes, shorts, books, moisturizer for her dry hair....the list goes on....She is super impulsive so my husband and I made a bet on her purchasing something super useless.....

For Christmas...she spent the entire 25 bucks she had to buy my stocking stuffers on tins of Altoids Cinnamon gum....they were on sale for 99 cents a tin....I still have twenty! And I still laugh hysterically when I put a new tin in my purse!....She rocks....my husband got 25 bucks worth of M&M'S....with a stuffed animal attached....every man needs a stuffed yellow M&M right?

So we enjoy our stroll alone as just a young couple in love. We stop for ice cream, holding hands and giggling. It is always nice to be able to have a few moments to yourself.....

Marie and Rose find us after splurging....Rose has shorts that are too short and a halter top that should not be sold in the children's section....she is for another blog....complicated....but by the way we knew she would do that......And then it was Marie's time....We are always excited to see what she holds in her bags......always something unexpected and usually something she will never use....it just happens to catch her eye.

It is hard to understand why this is funny unless I share my little tidbits about Marie. She is so funny and full of life. She is the loudest human being you will ever meet. She has the sweetest spirit about her....and she has a fantastic and enormous heart. Know that I enjoy everyday that she fills my life and home with laughter....

She loves tv commercial jingles....she can sing them all...Target, McDonalds, WalMart, Hess Gas, Polly Pocket, Monchichi, 99 Restaurant....you get the idea....if it has a jingle she knows it....she sings them frequently and loudly.....my husband yells out commercials sometimes to see if she knows the jingle....Mind you this is a kid that actually doesn't watch tv much....just happens to love the jingles....

Back to her bag......

I open her bag.....BEDAZZLER.......i high five my husband....I was right again....another impulsive useless thing that she could recite the jingle for....I love her! She never lets me down....I hugged her and laughed.....she wants to bedazzle her jeans, t shirts, purses....just like the commercial.....If you need something bedazzled....send it my way...I will have the jingle singer bedazzle your life......

She certainly has bedazzled my life with her sparkling personality....We didn't even need rhinestones!

Be well!

I hope you enjoy these blogs just a little...I certainly enjoy sharing my life with you!

Football.....

I am going to force myself to sit down everyday and write something. Not everything will be meaningful....

When I got home today, my oldest daughter had forms for me to sign. She is 14 and going into HS in the fall...I find this to be most traumatic to me. I have only had her in my home and life since she was 9 and I feel that I was cheated of entirely too much of her childhood. I don't want to think of only getting 4 more years of her...Then again...when that 14 yo mouth starts going....4 years is entirely too long. I still think of myself as being 25. And the fact that my daughter will be in HS does not jive with my Peter Pan thinking....WAHHHHH....

So back to the forms.....she wants to try out for the HS football team....And when I tried to discuss the pros and cons....she said i was trying to steal her dream....I asked her why...Because the kids told me I couldnt.....so I know that if I put my mind to it I can do it...So there you go....My daughter is going to attempt to be a football star.....I am going gray just worrying about how this is going to end....but no sense in biting my nails....I am going to go on the ride with her and I won't steal her dream.....as much as it is killing me .....some of the best lessons are the most painful....OUCH!

Wasn't this meaningful......?