Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I am baaaaaaack!

Ok, my friends, I am back! Well, I am back for today...I can't promise you beyond that. I am sure it will be such a shock but Rosie is still a pistol! She truly is a challenge for me...I am sure that is also not a shocker!

I have been struggling with a very depressive state as of late! The stress of caring for her has really done a number on me. At first, I wasn't going to say anything but I decided....It is what it is and I can't be embarrassed or ashamed for what is going on.

For the short term, I have chosen to use medication. Although, I don't advocate medication as the "cure all" for life's adversity....It seems to be helping me cope. I was truly struggling with panic and anxiety. It was becoming debilitating in how it was affecting my life.

I think part of it is going through the stages of grief. Which I am not sure I have ever done before. I guess I never thought I had to...But I think that I am ready to now....Or maybe I was in the Anger stage for a very long time...Now I am in the depression stage. I know that you don't go through the stages in order and you can revisit one stage many times.

I never thought of this relationship with Rose as causing me to make this journey. Her constant attacks and her trauma has been difficult on our family. I have had to reevaluate how I feel about this situation. It isn't that I don't have hope, it isn't that I don't think she can heal. I have hope, I know she can heal. The frustrating thing is that I feel that she is purposely not. I don't know why. I don't know if it is fear on her part or she isn't ready to move past her anger. I don't know...I don't need anyone to explain it to me....I have been in therapy for a very long time....

Today's blog is about me...not her. I don't want an explanation of her. She is who she is. And right now that is all I care about. I am doing the best I can for her. I have put my own health and emotional well being on hold to deal with her shenanigans...AND I WON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! I think as a society, moms are told we must sacrifice everything to be a good mom. AND that simply is not the truth. If you are compromised in some fashion, you can't give your children your best. Your children don't need all of you...they need the best you can give them.

This may be too personal but I am going to share it anyway. Saturday....I didn't get out of bed till 5pm! That isn't too unusual over the past couple of months! My husband had arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to get out of bed. My wonderful husband is so dedicated to me. I am so lucky to have him. He has taken such good care of me including taking care of the house as I have been going through this. I did get up and I went out with our friends. It was then that I realized how bad it had gotten. I also realized how important it was for us to go out without our kids.

My friend babysat for us....and you know what...she did a great job! She handled them quite well and was even able to deal with Rosie! I felt so relieved that I have another person I can trust with my children. I also have a friend who fosters that is great with my kids...but she is busy with her own brood. My sister and my mom have always been the only ones I trust with my children but they are both in college and very busy so I feel guilty asking them to help me...they have their own stuff! I don't want to bother them with my "stuff".....

My husband enjoyed having me to himself so much that he and I have promised each other that we will have more date nights!!!! Which we need....Our marriage is the most important relationship in our home! I am off of my pedestal! I just had to unload some stuff.....I am feeling great today! I am coming out of my cave and ready to tackle whatever the future has for me! Including more battles with Rosie.....What would life be if I didn't have that adventure to look forward to!

Also....If I haven't said it enough.....I have the most wonderful husband on the earth....Thank you, Honey! I love you!