I am going to tread very lightly on this subject and I am going to spare my daughter the pain of sharing anything to personal. Trauma is very much a part of my daughter's history. Both children. In our house, we do not refer to them as victims but as survivors because they have survived it! We don't allow our children the crutch of victimhood. It is a poison and toxic entity that "thing" called victimhood.
That isn't to say that we don't mourn for the innocence lost. It doesn't mean we don't kiss their emotional boo boos and help them process what they remember. We go to therapy......constantly....We have structure and we have boundaries. We have a safe home and we are proactive with everything we do with our children. But sometimes....the Trauma is more powerful. The memories haunt them like an evil entity within their minds. They somehow become held captive inside their own minds.
My youngest child breaks my heart daily. I have at length discussed the heartache that she brings with her. She is so beholden to her Trauma, Anger, and Shame that she has totally disassociated herself from certain parts of reality. The "reality" she can handle is hugs, cuddles and freedom. The "reality" that she refuses is love, family, trust, safety, peace and rules.
The problem becomes what comes of this? Where does this land us? We have an older daughter that has squashed her "demons". She is no longer beholden to the Shame and Anger from her Trauma....She has begun to blossom into a beautiful young woman. She stumbles...And her stumbles are big...BUT they are still just stumbles. We get up and move on. My younger daughter....may never be to that place. Where is that line drawn? When is it too much for one family to handle?
Obviously, we love her. Who in their right mind would go through this nightmare without loving her and being fully engaged in her healing. But it wears on me. It is wearing on me now. I am very frustrated. I have been for months now. I am now in my own pattern of shame and guilt. I become ashamed and feel very guilty when I get angry with her. I think I could be a better mother...I could do things better in some other parallel universe OR if I were more patient or more kind or more loving or more of this or more of that! Which really isn't logical! My husband and I are the best parents that we can possibly be. And I am very proud of the job we are doing.
I find that is what I struggle most with. I feel that being the best parent I can be isn't enough. So much of their healing is out of my control. It is within their control. They have to get to the right place emotionally that they can heal. Sometimes, that is slow. I want to just all of their hurt and pain and erase it from their brain. I wish I could take the pacer magnet at work and rub it on their heads....It could erase all the bad stuff and leave the great stuff.
Of course, that isn't happening. Their past is part of who they are. For the bad and for the good. My kids are survivors. My kids, I surmise, could survive almost anything. They have had to learn this skill..which isn't a negative skill....It is really an amazing gift our children have been given.
I am raising my survivors to know they are survivors....I pray that they realize this so that they will be able to allow themselves to heal.
I haven't written in so long...I have much to tell you....Miss you....I hope you haven't forgotten me!