Saturday, May 8, 2010
When I was a teenager and a young adult, the only thing I wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted to have a house full of children. I wanted to sit and hold my babies for hours. I wanted to clean dirty faces and pick up toys and tickle little bellies.
When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It has a spectrum of issues associated with it. One of them is Infertility. It was difficult to hear this when I was still so young. I was fairly devastated by this. A shaping moment in my life.
I never thought I would find someone to love me if they knew from the outset that I wouldn't give them children. Beyond the naive assumptions I had when I was nineteen, I knew God would make a path. Side note....Marie was in her birthmom's belly while this was happening to me. My path was made well before I knew!
On my first date with my husband I said to him " I can't have children, I plan on adopting....If that isn't anything you are interested in...This date is over" Honestly, why he didn't get up and leave is beyond me! Here we are ten years later.
Fast Forward Ten Years.....
Here I sit with two children that are in out of home placements. I have two children with significant mental health issues.I have two children that are confused and have a difficult time accepting love from us.
I have been parenting two RADlings for 7 years. I would say I have learned alot from parenting my girls. I have also experienced some pretty harsh realities. I have laughed with my girls and I have shed tears with them. I have also had 6 really stinky Mother's days. Holidays in general stink but Mother's Day is particulary heinous. It is a day that is set aside to be mean to me. We have canceled it most years but still have had the same difficulties.
My little, Rosie, has been in out of home placements for 3.5 months. She should be gone at least another 45 days. Marie was placed in a locked unit last week after her behaviors began to escalate. This week has been a very interesting week. Although, I have had a ridiculous two months so this week is no different I guess.
My daughters have requested that I not discuss much that has happened but believe me when I say...Much more interesting than any Lifetime movie!
I cried when my Marie was placed in a facility. I said to my husband that I didn't know what I would do with them away from home on Mother's Day...and his response..."you are going to enjoy yourself!"
Today is the day before Mother's Day. We traveled to see both of our children. They are placed in facilities an hour away from each other. We decided not to say anything to the girls about Mother's Day. I mean, I didn't need drama to enjoy my day. Well to my wonderful surprise....My beautiful girls gave me cards and big hugs! No prompting...no discussions...no begging....Hugs and tears and kisses and more hugs....
This year, I have had the best....the very best Mother's Day. Two girls that told me they hope I get the rest I deserve. This year I got to be a mommy...not the mom of a RADling, not the mom of a kid in a placement....not the mom of a kid that ruined my day....Today I was the mom of two girls that wanted to celebrate me as their mommy!
I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day!
Posted by Queen Mommy at Saturday, May 08, 2010