And So It goes.....Part 2

I am sure you were all waiting at the edge of your seat for the conclusion of my saga...I should have some dramatic music playing with my blog....hahhaa...man I crack myself up.

I left where the police left...

I cried when they left. I absolutely broke down crying. The thought of DCF intruding into my life again, was devastating to me. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way but I have the fear that someone will call 911 or DCF because of my children's meltdowns. I fear that the judgment of others could have my children taken away from me. In reality both children would be more than slightly difficult to place so the odds of that really happening is quite slim. Our offense would have to be horrible but in my mind the possibility still exists. Perhaps it comes from the way I adopted my children. Perhaps it is their fear and trauma that has seeped into my being. Their birth mothers had their children taken from them..It isn't a normal or logical train of thought but it plagues me.

I got myself together and went to speak to my children. They sat silently in the living room as my husband paced. Everyone thinking about the two looming events...DCF investigating and going to Court. Deep breath! Deep Breath! I explained to Marie that we were angry at the turn of events but we were still her parents, we still loved her, we were still going to keep her safe and most of all our commitment to her remained the same. We explained to Rose that we hoped she learned a valuable lesson from Marie's choices and that she didn't want to make the same choices....

The next day...everyone had calmed down for the most part. Marie came to lay with me in my bed and to cuddle. She has spent a great deal of time over the last month needing comfort from me. Which is a good thing that has come out of this. Rose came to lay with us also. When she saw that I was comforting Marie, she began to whine that she was in a great deal of pain where Marie had hit her and that she may have a broken bone. I have to be honest, I was not very impressed with her. I was actually quite angry. I had to breath and close my eyes. The fact of the matter was that she was fine. I had extensively checked her over the day before. I made sure she was ok and now to get her own needs met she was already trying to manipulate to her own end.

I struggle a great deal with the fine line between showing comfort and nurturing them and coddling them. They need my love and my patience but they also need to learn to find positive ways to deal with anger and loneliness. My two children constantly battle for position with me. If I show kindness to one the other feels great rejection and vice versa. I have slowly learned I can't please everyone...I can only be the best mom I can be and the rest they have to figure out on their own.

We are always growing and learning new things. We have to adjust our thinking and our game plan to what is happening in our home. My husband is very rigid so this has been a constant struggle for him. He has really learned to go with the flow. We have really become a stronger couple by dealing with all of this drama. I feel bad for those around us. It must be frustrating for those who want to be part of our family and we cancel plans constantly, we change plans at the last minute constantly, we just plain aren't very reliable to have fun with. I feel bad that it can be disappointing but my children are most important and I have to make decisions based on where they are.

This isn't what I planned on talking about....Such is life....

Just so you know....DCF screened our case out...no investigation and the Clerk Magistrate dismissed all charges, as though we were never there....Life is getting back to normal now....

Well OUR normal....

Happy 4th of July!

Be Well.....K

And So It goes.....Part 1

This was a stressful week...Duhhh...K....aren't they all stressful? This one was particularly stressful for our family.

Let me break it down for you so that you feel empathy for me.....lol...because that is what I need...

Marie has a mood disorder. Which when she is happy is great because she is crazy...She if funny, engaging, and just a true joy but when she becomes depressive, she becomes unconsolable. You can't find a single way to break her negative thought process. It used to just be the euphoria that we encountered....Which we knew could end in explosive anger also...But most times euphoria can be redirected. The depression has become very destructive to all of us. It is so very frustrating to deal with this depression which is a new facet of her mood disorder...

That was a sidebar anyhow.... Back to my story...oops excuse for not blogging....

On or around June 6, there was quite abit of stress in our house. My husband's nephew's baby had died and he went to the memorial. The children were aware of this and for some reason, I am sure easily explainable, this brings them back to their own sense of loss and a huge trauma trigger. Rose was off her rocker in a huge way. She was completely not interested in participating in the family dynamic on any level. That had been going on for over a month by the 6th of June. Marie got a bad progress report the week before followed by a three day suspension and Saturday detention. Marie's therapist also went on maternity leave at the end of May. Then came June 6th.

On June 6th, Marie had to serve her Saturday detention. After which, my husband picked her up and stopped at Subway for lunch. While they were picking lunch up, a kind fellow driver hit my husband's car and fled the scene. A kind woman witnessed it and let my husband know the license plate number. So my husband rushed my daughter home and he went to the Police Station to deal with all of that.

While all of that was happening, I was at home with Rose. By that date, she had accrued 30+ hours of "Fixing It" time so I was watching over her fixes....When Marie walked in, she found Rose and I on the floor attempting to fix the vacuum cleaner, which to a child with RAD is favoritism and isolating the other child. apparently this was crucial to the following events.....


I got up from what I was doing and got lunch with the girls. Of course, I was watching something useful on TV like the Real Housewives of New Jersey...=) I asked Marie some randomly useless question while we ate. I could tell she was upset about my husband's car so I was trying to get her out of that mindspace...

She began to just escalate rapidly and without notice. HOLY CRAP! She began to scream and cry uncontrollably. Of course, my adrenaline also goes up...I asked her if she wanted to take a walk...she refused...I asked her if she wanted to take space in my room or her room (we live in an apt and my room becomes a calm down room when they both get wound...My room is darker and quieter than anywhere else....) I asked to come sit next to me so she could feel my love and safety sitting next to her...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! she was storming around throwing things and screaming...I really tried my hardest to ignore her.

She announced that she wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval....I said no...she was too old to continue to use the hospital as a safety net. We loved her and could help her with her processing....she refused ....so now she is totally in meltdown mode....honestly, I had pulled out every therapeutic trick I had in my bag. The calm voice, the sing songy voice, the stern and in control voice...NOTHING!

She was becoming more enraged with every word that we uttered or didn't utter....Rose walked back into the living room from the bathroom and Marie made a B line for her...Punched her in the arm and then kicked her in the leg....Rose kind of whined but came to me for comfort...Marie screamed "NOW take me to the ER" I said no and asked for her cell phone. I had her cell, my cell, Rose's cell and my husband's cell in my hands. She demanded one of them back to call 911...I refused...soooo she found the home phone and played with it...

I still wasn't dressed from the morning of chores, so i sat there knowing that just like every other time she had threatened to call 911, she would chicken out....well she dials 911 and I hear "911 what is your emergency". I stand up and went to get in the shower...Had to be clean and dressed when the officers came right. Who knows what she said to them...all I could think was...Great now we will be in the local Police Blotter!!! Thank God no one I know will read that paper....lol

I got dressed and the officers showed up. She was a true punk at first. The officer took us outside and told us we could have her arrested or he would file charges himself. I told him we would not press charges. He offered to Rose to file a restraining order...Why he did that after I told him they both had emotional issues, I have no idea but whatever. The officer also made us aware of the fact that they had to call DCF...

After speaking with us in the hall, he went back in to speak with Marie. She was still cocky until he said he might cuff her depending on his assessment of her ability to remain calm...She straightened up and said she could keep it together and wouldn't need them again...So I had to sign domestic violence forms and he left.

DCF would call us and we would receive a summons in the mail for a court date. Lucky us right?

I am going to save the ending for my next blog...

At this point, I am going to tell you that five minutes after the police left, BOTH girls were playing together and having a grand time...No Biggie. Meanwhile, my hubby and I were crapping in our pants....lol.... Growing up my husband and I were "goody goodies". We were too afraid to do anything wrong. I never drank, no drugs, no skipping curfew, no sex, we were sooooooo innocent! Which I am glad of now but makes it hard to relate to my trouble magnets!

I have learned that I can deal with it. It could be so much worse! My girls are good girls. They want to do the right thing...for some reason they just don't make the right choices when they count. I have to accept that and realize that I can use the mistakes as teachable moments. Which I have tried my hardest to do over the last month.

I have tried to be an example of unfailing, unconditional love to them. I have tried to be resilient and pliable. I have tried to be patient and full of mercy. These are the lessons they must learn from me. They don't need my anger or wrath...I was angry but my love was bigger. They both have struggled with accepting that but it seems to be getting through now.

I have other things to share but this is already long enough...I will finish my saga tomorrow...and share more lessons!

Please be well....K