Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am Thankful.....

As cathartic as it was for me to lay out my feelings....I don't want to forget all of the wonderful people and things in my life....Because no matter how depressed I feel, I am truly a blessed person with many WONDERFUL things in my life.

I needed to release the shame and guilt of my depression and it was so very soothing to my soul. I am so glad I did it no matter how hard the journey to write that was....A large majority of my burden has been released. I feel as though, I can live now that I am not saddling myself with my feelings of shame and guilt.

So here are the things I am most thankful for: (in no particular order, just as they come to my brain)

1. My wonderful, kind,patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving, completely fantastic husband, Matt! As I struggle, he carries much of the burden of everything else. Thank you!

2. My beautiful daughters...They have great struggles but they continually work at improving those parts of themselves that they don't like. They move at their own pace but they are always working to move forward. They teach me much about perserverance and being a survivor. Thank you!

3. My parents. They love my children and roll with the punches. It is not easy to watch trauma work itself out so I appreciate the support and love we receive from them.

4. My in-laws. They are willing to help in anyway they can, including, visiting Marie at almost every placement she has been at. They are committed to loving our kids.

5. My Sister. She is the "fun" Aunt and always makes my girls laugh. She is always fun to be around and encourages me to let loose, which is something I need more of.

6. My husband's Aunts. They ALWAYS want to help and support us. Their hugs are very powerful sources of love and support.

7. My friend, Christina. She is my movie buddy, dinner date, and frequent giver of hugs. I don't have many close friendships because I am so guarded. Thank you for being patient and being a great friend!

8. My family that is too large to name person by person. I love you all! We appreciate and love everyone's kindness and love. Family is always a gift to be cherished. Brother in laws, Sister in laws, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, grandparents. You all have a special place in my heart.

9. My nephew, B. When you scream "Auntie" it makes my heart melt in away that only my daughter's can do. I love your hugs and giggles and I love doing silly things that make you laugh, giggle and scream Auntie!

10.My Facebook Friends and Family. I have learned so much from you and truly appreciate your on going support! You mean so much to me!

My list is not all inclusive and there are many others I want to thank personally and I don't have time to make this the longest blog ever....So I hope you know how much you are loved by me! If I know you, I love you! Thank you for being part of my world and my life!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Me, Me, Me

The last 18 months or so have been ridiculously turbulent. Both girls have had multiple out of home placements and the situation has been beyond stressful on many levels. So for my husband and I to stand here with our relationship in tact, it is a miracle. Raising our daughters has isolated us from our families and friends. I am especially sensitive to the feelings of isolation which lead me to struggles with depression. I often teeter on the edge of a deep depression that I am thankful I have not actually fallen off that edge. I have always had anxiety but as I struggle with the depression, the anxiety seems to worsen.

I know that the isolation that I am experiencing is mostly my own doing. I know that I have hidden myself in the protection of my room and I don't let anyone know how much I am actually struggling. I don't let anyone know the tears that I shed or the pain in my heart or how much this last two years has sucked and none of it is ok with my. That I hate my daughter not living me with me even though I know she needs to be where she is. That it rips me apart to know how sick she really is and that I can't fix it. Because I am her mom and that is my job to fix.

I hate knowing that part of this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have absolutely no control over. People can tell me a hundred million times that if I just change my attitude it will be better and no matter how much I try, I feel as though this is out of my control.

I need reassurance and support but I honestly feel if I were to ask for either, I would look like a drama queen and I don't want to be seen as someone that needs to have my ego stroked. I feel responsible for my daughter's current issues even though I have absolutely nothing to do with that. I feel as though I suck at friendship, family relationships, jobs, everything that I should be good at, I feel as though I have disappointed and destroyed them all.

I also know that none of this is reality. This is what is spiraling in my head while I struggle with depression and anxiety. These are the feelings and the thoughts that have taken root in my head from the extreme stress I have had over the last two years.

I want a hug, I want a friend, I want someone to come help me but I want to show the world that I am strong so no one offers a hug or help because they don't know. I am afraid to let them know I need them. Parenting RAD for eight years has taken its toll on me and I can be prickly but I don't want to be...I want to be the carefree, quick to laugh, friendly, kind, compassionate me that I used to be. But I am not there right now.

I am in therapy and this is not a cry for help. I am not going to hurt myself and I don't feel that I need to be hospitalized. I just felt that I needed to go public with this because it is not something to be ashamed of. I am not the only one with similar struggles and I won't take on the stigma of mental illness. I am an active participant in my own emotional wellness. I love my children and I willing care for them and parent them, I would never in a million years, change that! EVER....

If I can teach anyone anything, it is.....when someone is going through something really crappy and they say they are fine....they aren't...they may not want to tell you the bloody details but they would love a hug or a note in the mail....sometimes they aren't strong enough to ask for help but they still need it. I know we all have junk in our lives but this world is a better place when we take care of each other.

Queen mommy

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPad~