Friday, July 17, 2009

If I just......She would love me...

I find myself falling into this trap. I keep thinking if I am calmer, quieter, sweeter, more generous....etc, she will love me and accept me as her mother. The truth of the matter is I can't make her love me. I cannot will her to love me and accept me as her mother. I am a great mother. I am patient and kind and more than fair with her. I nurture her and keep her safe. I am proud of my effort and I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent. Yet that has nothing to do with her acceptance of the situation.

I am realizing this more as she grows up. It is kind of like when you really, really, really like someone and they don't share your love. You can't do anything to change that. You will never be their object of affection, no matter what your course of action is. Eventually you move on and find someone to love....

Only in my scenario. It will be years before I move on. I feel as though it is a gaping wound that is constantly scratched at. And every day is a reminder of my sad little girl's fight for her life. It is frustrating to love someone so much that your heart aches and to know there is no reciprocation. She won't allow herself to, she can't. We struggle everyday back and forth. Our heart breaking with the realism that we have to have in parenting her.

Everyday I hope that we will have a breakthrough. We continue to hope against all odds that she won't be a statistic. That our family won't become a statistic. As the days go on...I notice more and more that we are replacing our idealism with realism. Back to that thing called Radical Acceptance. Accepting things as they are. Which is a lesson I am practicing every day.

I was asked once again last night, was I ready to accept her. Truly accept her and to continue to love and care for her knowing that more likely than not...It will not end as we hope.

I guess that is my question today.....Does anyone else face these thoughts? Does anyone else continue to hope and pray for the good outcome while knowing all along...most likely it won't be that way? I just would appreciate feedback.

I am slowly coming to terms with these things. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have these feelings and thoughts and then most of the time I wonder "who wouldn't feel this way? It is her issue, not mine"

Yet I am her mother and I love her forever. She will always be my little monkey, no matter the outcome.

More to come...

Be Well,