Friday, July 17, 2009

If I just......She would love me...

I find myself falling into this trap. I keep thinking if I am calmer, quieter, sweeter, more generous....etc, she will love me and accept me as her mother. The truth of the matter is I can't make her love me. I cannot will her to love me and accept me as her mother. I am a great mother. I am patient and kind and more than fair with her. I nurture her and keep her safe. I am proud of my effort and I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent. Yet that has nothing to do with her acceptance of the situation.

I am realizing this more as she grows up. It is kind of like when you really, really, really like someone and they don't share your love. You can't do anything to change that. You will never be their object of affection, no matter what your course of action is. Eventually you move on and find someone to love....

Only in my scenario. It will be years before I move on. I feel as though it is a gaping wound that is constantly scratched at. And every day is a reminder of my sad little girl's fight for her life. It is frustrating to love someone so much that your heart aches and to know there is no reciprocation. She won't allow herself to, she can't. We struggle everyday back and forth. Our heart breaking with the realism that we have to have in parenting her.

Everyday I hope that we will have a breakthrough. We continue to hope against all odds that she won't be a statistic. That our family won't become a statistic. As the days go on...I notice more and more that we are replacing our idealism with realism. Back to that thing called Radical Acceptance. Accepting things as they are. Which is a lesson I am practicing every day.

I was asked once again last night, was I ready to accept her. Truly accept her and to continue to love and care for her knowing that more likely than not...It will not end as we hope.

I guess that is my question today.....Does anyone else face these thoughts? Does anyone else continue to hope and pray for the good outcome while knowing all along...most likely it won't be that way? I just would appreciate feedback.

I am slowly coming to terms with these things. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have these feelings and thoughts and then most of the time I wonder "who wouldn't feel this way? It is her issue, not mine"

Yet I am her mother and I love her forever. She will always be my little monkey, no matter the outcome.

More to come...

Be Well,
K

4 comments:

Mrs. Roma said...

Wow, I can relate to EVERY word you just wrote...I feel like I'm going through the same thing at the same exact time. I think this process is almost like a grieving process- anger-sadness- acceptance. Unfortunately, accepting reality and letting go of all that hope is difficult to do. Like you, I still have hope for my daughter, still love her dearly, but I am accepting that this may be the reality of our relationship. It is posssible that she'll stay the same or get worse. It's possible that we'll always have a trying relationship. In the past when I'd say things like that my husband would tell me to stop overreacting- because in the past, when I didn't know how much worse she'd get, those ideas were overreacting. Now, when I say things like that my husband no longer puts me in my place, because now, together we are starting to accept that this may be as "normal" as we'll ever be. In the past we behaved like we were setting up camp and spending the night in Radland- we only thought our stay would be temporary. Now we are building a house- a brick one:) I think your feelings are very normal, natural, and healthy.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Oh my gosh I am so sorry for what you are going through. To me, I think it feels like a loss. A loss of so many different things. A happy child, a happy family, a loss of the potential no matter if you imagined any or not. Almost, not totally, but almost like a person has died. Like you have to grieve for the parent you wanted to be to her, and grieve for the daughter she could be.
Just hard. No other way to say it. But I hope it helps a little to know you (and she)are not the only ones.

*Peach* said...

My son was born premature and has definate attachment issues. Your post really touched me because I realize how much I feel those feelings also. Feelings of guilt and saddness and powerlessness over his issues of distrust, anxiety, and attachment.
I am trying to read books by Heather Forbes on "Beyond Consequences" and also Bryan Post's books. If I can deal with my issues personally and not allow them to affect the way I interact with my son, I know it will help.
I pray for both our families to receive miracles, strength and help.

Val said...

Many times I said the same thing..."if I just...she would." But like you, I have accepted the fact it probably will never be and it's not me. It is liberating to realize it definitely isn't me - it's them. Here's my blog if you're interested: momofmany.wordpress.com. I'm a mom of 15 kids, 13 whom are adopted, many are/were as you described in this post. It's hard, but you will get through it. I'm on the home stretch now.