Friday, April 1, 2011

My Kid went Rogue part two

Two blogs in one day? I deserve a medal or something! I guess it was time to blog again and now I am forced to deal with all of the things that I haven't spoken about in the last year.

I am not sure that I am going to use this post to spill the juicy gossipy details then again I may! I think I am still processing my feelings and that is clearly taking longer than I feel it should. My therapist and I have spent the last couple of weeks processing all of my feelings.

Rosie spent the first six months of 2010 in and out of programs. Her heart and brain were so sick. She couldn't maintain safe behavior more than a week at a time without us bringing her back to another program. Her diagnosis of RAD was always at the front of mind. I knew she was not safe to be in our home BUT I knew I could possibly be doing a lot of damage to her ability to grow a bond with us because she kept being "sent away". My husband and I were very very involved with her care during every single one of her placements. I am know in all of the local programs because one or both of my children have been place in all of them.

Update on Rosie: We have not had to call the Mobile Crisis Unit, go to the ER for a psych evaluation or place her at any facility since she was discharged from her last placement back in June of 2010! She is 13 so I can not say she is perfect! What teen girl is? It is funny the things that we have learned during our time of true bonding. She is funny! I never knew that! She says the funniest things and doesn't even realize it. She is sweet! She is thoughtful! She is helpful! She is truly a joy to parent! She is still mouthy and moody but she is a teenager for goodness sake! All teens are crabby! We have these conversations that blow my mind because a year ago, I would have scoffed at such healing on her part. The three of us have spent so many hours in therapy, shed so many tears, lost so much sleep and we have tasted success! A miracle...A gift!

I think it is during the chaos of the first 3 months of 2010 that Marie started to change. I can't tell you a specific date or event, I am guessing from what has transpired that this is when something changed. She became dark, moody, macabre. By April, I had to have her arrested the first time. The first of many interactions with police, probation and court system. In May she had her first two of the 6 total program placements. At the end of May, she had some sort of psychiatric break and we had another situation that required her to be arrested a second time.

And I am going to take a break tonight. I will continue this tomorrow. As I said, I am still processing much of this last year so I am going to listen to my brain and say goodnight.

Have a good night.....

Queen mommy

My Kid went Rogue, part one

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night and I heard Jillian say "you just went rogue, dude" and I was like...."that is my kid!" She went rogue. She went off the emotionally healthy grid and spiraled into the abyss that has become our life. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except this isn't a drug induced head trip, it is my life!

I spoke with my daughter yesterday on our car ride to her new therapeutic foster home placement and she knows that I am writing this. She said "Mom, it will be good for you to get this all out of your system. Maybe someone else needs to hear it so they don't feel so bad either"

Yes! I did say therapeutic foster home! I am still not sitting well with it but it has happened and I am learning to accept it and speak about it without wincing in pain or crying uncontrollably. I have spent hours obsessing about how we got to the place where she is living and sharing a life with a complete stranger. Intellectually, I know I am a good mother. I have sacrificed as much as one human can for their child. I have accessed every service one can access to help her. The list of service providers that we are affiliated is long and confuses everyone outside of our family that must try to keep track of it. But no matter how good I am as a mother, Marie has mental health issues. AND contrary to what most people think, no amount of good parenting changes Mental Illness.

I thought once they bonded to us, RAD would quit rearing its ugly head. The lies would be done with, the stealing would stop, the multiple other high risk behaviors would never happen because bonding with me would bolster their self esteem enough that they wouldn't need to experiment. The love my husband and I give them would be the balm that covered their healing scars and it would be strong enough to hold the bad stuff back. But that is not how it has played out.

When a child (in my case, a beautiful 17 year old struggling with RAD and a mood disorder) has been through the trauma of abuse and separation from their biological families, those are wounds that take a lifetime to heal. Sometimes they scab over and it takes very little to rip that scab off and have a gaping hole again.

I thought I was ready to pour out everything that has transpired since my last blog entry but I am not. I need to sit awhile longer. I will be able to soon. I just wanted to let my lovely blog family know, I am still here. I miss you all!

Queen Mommy