I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night and I heard Jillian say "you just went rogue, dude" and I was like...."that is my kid!" She went rogue. She went off the emotionally healthy grid and spiraled into the abyss that has become our life. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except this isn't a drug induced head trip, it is my life!
I spoke with my daughter yesterday on our car ride to her new therapeutic foster home placement and she knows that I am writing this. She said "Mom, it will be good for you to get this all out of your system. Maybe someone else needs to hear it so they don't feel so bad either"
Yes! I did say therapeutic foster home! I am still not sitting well with it but it has happened and I am learning to accept it and speak about it without wincing in pain or crying uncontrollably. I have spent hours obsessing about how we got to the place where she is living and sharing a life with a complete stranger. Intellectually, I know I am a good mother. I have sacrificed as much as one human can for their child. I have accessed every service one can access to help her. The list of service providers that we are affiliated is long and confuses everyone outside of our family that must try to keep track of it. But no matter how good I am as a mother, Marie has mental health issues. AND contrary to what most people think, no amount of good parenting changes Mental Illness.
I thought once they bonded to us, RAD would quit rearing its ugly head. The lies would be done with, the stealing would stop, the multiple other high risk behaviors would never happen because bonding with me would bolster their self esteem enough that they wouldn't need to experiment. The love my husband and I give them would be the balm that covered their healing scars and it would be strong enough to hold the bad stuff back. But that is not how it has played out.
When a child (in my case, a beautiful 17 year old struggling with RAD and a mood disorder) has been through the trauma of abuse and separation from their biological families, those are wounds that take a lifetime to heal. Sometimes they scab over and it takes very little to rip that scab off and have a gaping hole again.
I thought I was ready to pour out everything that has transpired since my last blog entry but I am not. I need to sit awhile longer. I will be able to soon. I just wanted to let my lovely blog family know, I am still here. I miss you all!