So this weekend was the anniversary of Rose's removal from her birthmom's home. January is a very bad month because both of my RADishes were removed during this month. They had very different experiences but the reaction is similar. Actually this is the first January that Marie hasn't had this reaction. I am so proud of her!
Back to Rosie. I find that I spend a lot of time dealing with and obsessing about how I deal with Rose. She is such a challenge to me. She knows my buttons AND she definitely is very adept at pushing them. 99% of the time I know that it really has nothing to do with me, I am just lucky enough to experience the aftermath of her trauma. But there are the days that I take it personally. There are the days that I am wounded in the fray. She says the phrase that hits me the wrong way.....and the whole day goes bad=)
Yesterday Rose just decided that it was going to be a bad day. In her mind, there was no way that yesterday would be anything but painful and chaotic for everyone. I hate those days. Because those are the days that just don't seem to end. Some days she can be redirected and get over it...But after the third meltdown it became clear that she was not giving up on her anger pattern.
I find that when she is in these meltdown patterns it is as though she is a colicky baby that can't be comforted. So I must think of her as a baby. Her trauma is so deep rooted that this becomes necessary. I am not sure what anyone thinks of what I am about to say but it works with her. It is unbelievably helpful. I swaddle her. Yes, just as you would swaddle a baby. Well, not as tightly. It isn't necessary for it to be that tight. I don't have to force her. She knows what I am going to do. We have a sheet that is her swaddle "blanket". I spread it on my bed and she climbs up on it and I swaddle her. No matter how out of control she is...she seems to do it. Which I still find interesting. Yesterday, I swaddled her and she cried like an infant for like five minutes as I soothed her with my voice....And she went to sleep....
She tells me that she feels safe when I swaddle her. She knows that she is safe when she is cuddled in her "blanket". I am considering the purchase of a weighted blanket but I have not purchased it as of yet. This seems to be working in the same fashion. Once she is swaddled, I usually put her in my lap and hold her like an infant. I caress her face and kiss her forehead. I soothe her with my voice and speak to her very quietly. And when she is ready...we discuss her feelings and her memories....all the while she is safe and close to me. She actually will request it when she needs to be close to me.
My hope is that as she heals, she won't need this anymore. As she heals, she can learn to tell me her angry and sad feelings without the long drawn out dance we now do now. I love this kid. She has my heart. She may be afraid to attach to me but I am firmly attached.
I hope that you all are having a great day...I am having a great day....It is a sunny day!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So I try very hard not to interject my political views on my blog. I try to be very objective and rationally make my own decisions.
I want to talk about Obama. I am not going to talk about whether he will be the next Lincoln or not. Because really that will not be determined for many years to come. I am not going to talk about his views on the economy, abortion, gay rights, imigration, etc. Again....We all come from all backgrounds and situations which make our views what they are. And my blog isn't about that. My blog is about parenting my RAD child....and those things, while important, don't directly affect what I talk about on my blog.
So why on earth would I talk about Obama? Because Barack Obama is biracial. That bonds him to my family. That is what I find the most touching today as I watch the concert for him on HBO. I am tearing as I think about it. My biracial daughter is rolling her eyes. She isn't as touched by this as I am.
I grew up on military bases. I grew up with neighbors of every nationality. I truly didn't know that there was anywhere in America that people didn't live like this. I had Korean neighbors, Guamanian neighbors, African American neighbors, Hispanic neighbors, White neighbors, you get the picture. My schools always were so very diverse. I was so lucky to be raised in such a culturally rich and diverse situation. My church was also this diverse. Because many of the families were made up of American servicemen that had met and married women from different parts of the world, there were also many biracial children. I also never knew this had its own stigma.
Off topic again!
Obama grew up with a single white mother and at somepoint in his childhood was raised by his poor white grandparents. He had an absent father. He lived in Kansas, where I imagine he wasn't the norm. He had adversity. So in some aspects he grew up as many of our kids did. With great adversity in his very young life.
Please don't email me with comments about how his color isn't important and all of that crap....blah blah blah....Read my feelings don't analyze my words to find fault.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character~ MLK Jr.
And that is what I feel Obama is doing for our children. He is showing that you can be judged for more than the color of your skin...You can be judged by your hard work, your intelligence, your character and your desire to be the best that you can be. I am proud to live in that America. I am proud that my children live in that America. I truly think that he shows our children that adversity and color is part of who you are, it doesn't define who you are!
Please refrain from sending me any political rhetoric. This isn't about his policy or democratic rhetoric because I am a Proud Republican. This blog is about me being proud that I live in a country where color isn't everything....And this wasn't always that America.
God Bless America!
Posted by Queen Mommy at Sunday, January 18, 2009