Monday, January 4, 2010


I like to think that I am a good mother...I am patient, nurturing, forgiving and loving to my girls. I don't get back at them or allow myself to get so caught up in my anger that I hold onto things. I am always able to get over things quickly and without retaliation.

I just had a moment of sweet revenge. I even high fived myself even though I know there will be definite consequences with Rosie when she realizes what I have done. Yet I still feel a glorious sense of victory. You may find this juvenile so please don't read on if you can't share my sense of joy.....

We were not successful in appealing to the insurance to keep her at her treatment facility for any more time. She will be coming home tonight, despite all of our misgivings about this. The therapist at the facility tried to add time but the fact that she is accomplishing all of her goals there and the issue is with the home setting...the insurance declines a longer stay. So that is that. Last week, prior to the failed home visit, we discussed her going back to school on wed or thurs. So she had a few days to chill out.

She hates school and would rather put it off for another two weeks but she was ok with end of the week. Well after the failed home visit...I contacted the school and she is going back to school tomorrow. She will punish me for this...I know she will....But I felt such victory in something so dumb...Sending her to suppose if she would get with the program, I would be more lenient with her about this...But what has this gotten me with her. Her perception is that I am weak and she can control me....Which isn't the case but it makes life suck...So revenge is sending her back to reality all at once. We know we will be punished for sending her there and for not giving her a party for returning and for making her do chores might as well also get the going back to school punishment done at the same time, right?

These are the little things that get me through. It is a tough road parenting a child that has no inclination, at this point, in investing in our family. She spends all of her time causing chaos and hurt. My little tornado of pain. I know what is behind this, the pain and fear, but gets so bad that I no longer can see that...All I see is my frustration....

I got my two weeks of quiet...Back to reality now!

Sunday, January 3, 2010


So my one and only New Year's Resolution was to write on my blog....Failed already! We are already three days into the new year!

I actually have been debating on whether to share what we are currently going through. Somehow having a child with mental illness or emotional disturbance brings stigma. Well meaning people give you that "poor you" look and pity you. I know they mean well and I know that they mean absolutely no harm by it...But the looks are there none the less.

My youngest daughter is emotionally disturbed. She has RAD on steroids. She completely shuts down in the family setting. It seems to us that she sabotages herself and us constantly. It is frustrating to the rest of us and it is also heartbreaking. I struggle with picking her up and hugging her tightly and just wishing I could wring her neck. I would never in a million years hurt her and I feel quite guilty for the feeling but sometimes....sometimes it is enough already!

Rosie was unable to follow any type of directions and her aggression was out of control. We tried many different things to stabilize her and we were unsuccessful. We finally had to decide to place her in a treatment facility for adolescent girls. At first, I was so relieved because I was getting a break. I could breathe and let my defenses down. Then after I enjoyed it for the first day...I became full of guilt. I felt guilty that I sent her away...I felt guilty that I couldn't "fix it" ...I felt guilty that my daughter wouldn't be with us to celebrate Christmas.

Fast forward two weeks later. She seemed to make progress, she seemed to be ready to be back in the family setting and ready to move forward. We were scheduled to have Rosie for an overnight visit prior to her being released on January 4, 2010. I should have been tipped off the moment she got in our car that she was up to something. She gave me a hard to time about her seat belt. It continually went downhill. She didn't have a full blow out until it was time to shower. Which was one of the big problems before she was placed. Well after that, it was downhill. Her behavior continued to deteriorate until the moment we got her back to the program...She apologized profusely and said she was looking forward to coming home....All I could think was....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Soooo...tomorrow is the Big Day. She may or may not come home tomorrow. I blew out my ear drum yesterday so I am personally hoping that she is determined unready to come home till mid to late week but I have to follow insurance directives...If you are one who believes in prayers...asking, once again, to remember my family in your prayers.

I so desperately want to have things go smoothly. I want the beast within her to quiet itself and for her to have peace in her mind. We need her to have peace to heal....

More later as things progress!

Wishing you a very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year....