Sunday, January 3, 2010


So my one and only New Year's Resolution was to write on my blog....Failed already! We are already three days into the new year!

I actually have been debating on whether to share what we are currently going through. Somehow having a child with mental illness or emotional disturbance brings stigma. Well meaning people give you that "poor you" look and pity you. I know they mean well and I know that they mean absolutely no harm by it...But the looks are there none the less.

My youngest daughter is emotionally disturbed. She has RAD on steroids. She completely shuts down in the family setting. It seems to us that she sabotages herself and us constantly. It is frustrating to the rest of us and it is also heartbreaking. I struggle with picking her up and hugging her tightly and just wishing I could wring her neck. I would never in a million years hurt her and I feel quite guilty for the feeling but sometimes....sometimes it is enough already!

Rosie was unable to follow any type of directions and her aggression was out of control. We tried many different things to stabilize her and we were unsuccessful. We finally had to decide to place her in a treatment facility for adolescent girls. At first, I was so relieved because I was getting a break. I could breathe and let my defenses down. Then after I enjoyed it for the first day...I became full of guilt. I felt guilty that I sent her away...I felt guilty that I couldn't "fix it" ...I felt guilty that my daughter wouldn't be with us to celebrate Christmas.

Fast forward two weeks later. She seemed to make progress, she seemed to be ready to be back in the family setting and ready to move forward. We were scheduled to have Rosie for an overnight visit prior to her being released on January 4, 2010. I should have been tipped off the moment she got in our car that she was up to something. She gave me a hard to time about her seat belt. It continually went downhill. She didn't have a full blow out until it was time to shower. Which was one of the big problems before she was placed. Well after that, it was downhill. Her behavior continued to deteriorate until the moment we got her back to the program...She apologized profusely and said she was looking forward to coming home....All I could think was....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Soooo...tomorrow is the Big Day. She may or may not come home tomorrow. I blew out my ear drum yesterday so I am personally hoping that she is determined unready to come home till mid to late week but I have to follow insurance directives...If you are one who believes in prayers...asking, once again, to remember my family in your prayers.

I so desperately want to have things go smoothly. I want the beast within her to quiet itself and for her to have peace in her mind. We need her to have peace to heal....

More later as things progress!

Wishing you a very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year....


Jennie said...

if you get the chance, please read my post for today's date 1-3-10. It is almost an exact replica of this. We are not alone! ((((((HUGS)))))

Anonymous said...

You absolutely are not alone. My son has been in an out of home placement for 31 months! (minus 62 days that we tried to bring him home in 2008).

I can so relate to all of your feelings. Kids are suposed to live at home. We certainly did not adopt our children to have someone else raise them. Yet some kids are only successful in an out of home setting.

Remember that it doesnt make her any less your daughter. You can remain committed and remain a family when a kid lives elsewhere. It's not quite what we dreamed of though, is it?