Monday, January 19, 2009

It is a sunny day.....

So this weekend was the anniversary of Rose's removal from her birthmom's home. January is a very bad month because both of my RADishes were removed during this month. They had very different experiences but the reaction is similar. Actually this is the first January that Marie hasn't had this reaction. I am so proud of her!

Back to Rosie. I find that I spend a lot of time dealing with and obsessing about how I deal with Rose. She is such a challenge to me. She knows my buttons AND she definitely is very adept at pushing them. 99% of the time I know that it really has nothing to do with me, I am just lucky enough to experience the aftermath of her trauma. But there are the days that I take it personally. There are the days that I am wounded in the fray. She says the phrase that hits me the wrong way.....and the whole day goes bad=)

Yesterday Rose just decided that it was going to be a bad day. In her mind, there was no way that yesterday would be anything but painful and chaotic for everyone. I hate those days. Because those are the days that just don't seem to end. Some days she can be redirected and get over it...But after the third meltdown it became clear that she was not giving up on her anger pattern.

I find that when she is in these meltdown patterns it is as though she is a colicky baby that can't be comforted. So I must think of her as a baby. Her trauma is so deep rooted that this becomes necessary. I am not sure what anyone thinks of what I am about to say but it works with her. It is unbelievably helpful. I swaddle her. Yes, just as you would swaddle a baby. Well, not as tightly. It isn't necessary for it to be that tight. I don't have to force her. She knows what I am going to do. We have a sheet that is her swaddle "blanket". I spread it on my bed and she climbs up on it and I swaddle her. No matter how out of control she is...she seems to do it. Which I still find interesting. Yesterday, I swaddled her and she cried like an infant for like five minutes as I soothed her with my voice....And she went to sleep....

She tells me that she feels safe when I swaddle her. She knows that she is safe when she is cuddled in her "blanket". I am considering the purchase of a weighted blanket but I have not purchased it as of yet. This seems to be working in the same fashion. Once she is swaddled, I usually put her in my lap and hold her like an infant. I caress her face and kiss her forehead. I soothe her with my voice and speak to her very quietly. And when she is ready...we discuss her feelings and her memories....all the while she is safe and close to me. She actually will request it when she needs to be close to me.

My hope is that as she heals, she won't need this anymore. As she heals, she can learn to tell me her angry and sad feelings without the long drawn out dance we now do now. I love this kid. She has my heart. She may be afraid to attach to me but I am firmly attached.

I hope that you all are having a great day...I am having a great day....It is a sunny day!


Our Family said...

I hear you girl. I am with you! We had a BIG meltdown this week. I know your pain. Hang in there. You will survive! WE will survive!

FaerieMama said...

Anastasia comes to me and asks to be swaddled ( we call it cuddling) every day this week. january is a hard month for her too,and all she wants is to be held, gaze in my eyes and hear me sing lullabyes to her. I wonder if I'll be doing this when she's thirty.