Sunday, August 14, 2011

Me, Me, Me

The last 18 months or so have been ridiculously turbulent. Both girls have had multiple out of home placements and the situation has been beyond stressful on many levels. So for my husband and I to stand here with our relationship in tact, it is a miracle. Raising our daughters has isolated us from our families and friends. I am especially sensitive to the feelings of isolation which lead me to struggles with depression. I often teeter on the edge of a deep depression that I am thankful I have not actually fallen off that edge. I have always had anxiety but as I struggle with the depression, the anxiety seems to worsen.

I know that the isolation that I am experiencing is mostly my own doing. I know that I have hidden myself in the protection of my room and I don't let anyone know how much I am actually struggling. I don't let anyone know the tears that I shed or the pain in my heart or how much this last two years has sucked and none of it is ok with my. That I hate my daughter not living me with me even though I know she needs to be where she is. That it rips me apart to know how sick she really is and that I can't fix it. Because I am her mom and that is my job to fix.

I hate knowing that part of this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have absolutely no control over. People can tell me a hundred million times that if I just change my attitude it will be better and no matter how much I try, I feel as though this is out of my control.

I need reassurance and support but I honestly feel if I were to ask for either, I would look like a drama queen and I don't want to be seen as someone that needs to have my ego stroked. I feel responsible for my daughter's current issues even though I have absolutely nothing to do with that. I feel as though I suck at friendship, family relationships, jobs, everything that I should be good at, I feel as though I have disappointed and destroyed them all.

I also know that none of this is reality. This is what is spiraling in my head while I struggle with depression and anxiety. These are the feelings and the thoughts that have taken root in my head from the extreme stress I have had over the last two years.

I want a hug, I want a friend, I want someone to come help me but I want to show the world that I am strong so no one offers a hug or help because they don't know. I am afraid to let them know I need them. Parenting RAD for eight years has taken its toll on me and I can be prickly but I don't want to be...I want to be the carefree, quick to laugh, friendly, kind, compassionate me that I used to be. But I am not there right now.

I am in therapy and this is not a cry for help. I am not going to hurt myself and I don't feel that I need to be hospitalized. I just felt that I needed to go public with this because it is not something to be ashamed of. I am not the only one with similar struggles and I won't take on the stigma of mental illness. I am an active participant in my own emotional wellness. I love my children and I willing care for them and parent them, I would never in a million years, change that! EVER....

If I can teach anyone anything, it is.....when someone is going through something really crappy and they say they are fine....they aren't...they may not want to tell you the bloody details but they would love a hug or a note in the mail....sometimes they aren't strong enough to ask for help but they still need it. I know we all have junk in our lives but this world is a better place when we take care of each other.

Queen mommy

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPad~


Mom of two said...

This is beautifully written and comes from your Heart you are a strong woman and if you ever need anything at all I am here for you.....asking for help is the hardest part. Love and hugs to you

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing, I was just feeling the same way, I have isolated myself from so many well meaning but unhelpful friends. And am so prickly, I dread all their comments and questios, even staying home from church today because I dread the small comments.

Reighnie said...

So many of us feel this way and we keep it to ourselves because of the guilt and the shame. We are punishing ourselves for something we didn't create. We need to let ourselves be free from the torment of ourselves by ourselves. We are our toughest critics and judges.

I fight the thought that I have let my daughter down. In truth we were in this together and I could easily say she let me down. We both made promises.

I understand the mental illness and I understand they are children but they are still very capable of making choices. Because of the mental aspects and age we want to treat them like children but a lot of them have been through more than many adults have.

If she wants to self destruct- unfortunately- there is nothing anybody can do about it but her. You can try to prolong the inevitable but it seems the harder you try to do that the worse it will be for her because she will fight back double and really in the end who is she truly hurting the worst if it isn't herself?

I keep reminding myself of this- I need to give it to God because if I don't believe God can help her what in the world makes me think that *I* can do what God can't?

Another thing I will share with you. Yes, I have 5 RAD kids and yes, 4 of my kids are doing fine...but it had nothing to do with me, or therapy or any of that. I ran in circles, I dragged myself round and round and the only thing I could do for them was give them a place to feel safe. I didn't have to be a super hero or go through drastic measures to prove my love or any of that. The rest was ALL THEM WANTING to make a CHANGE. That is the difference. When they want to make that change nothing is going to stop them. My children have done all the work. I'm sure you see the difference in your own children.

Anyhow, I hope I didn't overstep my bounds but girl, I have felt what you wrote. An attitude change isn't going to fix anything, in fact, it will probably make you feel worse or fake. You are mourning and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm actually surprised you haven't been diagnosed with PTSD because the anxiety and depression you describe sound just like it.

Lastly, remember even the strongest things need to bend in order not to break. It doesn't make them weak but rather resilient. Don't you think?


Queen Mommy said...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I appreciate your love!
@Reighnie, I know and agree with all you said! Thank you for saying what you said.....It is always good to hear someone speak candidly with me! Thank you for sharing your own experience!
@ Anonymous....sending you love...I wish I could give you a hug, too!
@Mom of two....Thank you!!! I appreciate it!

The Schoonmakers said...

Thank you for being brave enough to share the deep parts of your heart. I am praying for you and your family and I wish that I could be there to wrap you in a big hug. Sometimes, words are not needed...just a shoulder to lean/cry on.

Anonymous said...

Fortunately, we've been blessed with a therapist for our RADicals that spends considerable time with my wife and I, keeping us sane and intact. At times that has been far more valuable than the therapy given to the kids. Satan would tear families apart, and the cross hairs are aimed at moms and dads. If we crumble, the family crumbles.