Wednesday, June 22, 2011

End of The Road

**** Partial Lyrics of the song~End of the Road by Boyz II Men ***

Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before

Holy Moley! As time goes on...I am getting worse and worse at this blog thing. And it makes no sense because it is something that gives me such joy to do. I love my readers, I love the responses I get...I love the whole BLOG community thing. Through blogging I have met some of the most amazing women. Women, I will meet in the "Real World" March 2012!

You may be wondering why I would post lyrics to a very sad love song on my blog about my children. Simply put, I am mourning the loss of my 17 year old daughter. Don't worry, she is alive (thank God) but her chosen life path is leading her far away from us emotionally and physically.

I don't want to use my blog as a forum to embarrass my children or to smack talk about them. I have poured my lifeblood, my soul, my 200% into raising them to be happy, healthy, safe humans with empathy, morals, and kindness oozing from them. So when you read this, I will never say things that are meant to be cruel or uncaring, this is my reality and I am honest. My honesty can be funny and it can be excrutiating. But in the end it is the truth and it should be seen as an outpouring of my love for my children.

My 17 year old has had a very, very BAD year. She has had multiple run ins with the law which forced us to place her outside of our home. While placed outside of the home, she has continued to exibit behaviors that forced us to place her out of the home and she has run away from every placement. She is currently placed in a Group Home. My husband took her to Court on Monday and after that was finished, she took off from him. She has not resurfaced yet.

My husband and I are in pain and very sad because of all of her poor choices. They are not our choices and we don't own them. She alone is accountable for her choices.

I, personally, have such a sense of loss. I mourn the future she is flying towards, I mourn the loss of the future I once had for her and I mourn the fact that her choices have separated her from us. We are emotionally separated as well as physically. I also angry. Angry that she has taken all of my love and spit in my face. I am angry that she is doing such foolish, dangerous choices. BUT most of all I LOVE HER. I love, love, love her no matter what her choices. No matter how far she runs from me, I am still her mother and I am still going to love her.

I just needed to write this and maybe someone would read it and send us a prayer. Send out a prayer for her. She needs supernatural intervention!

Meanwhile, we will start living our lives again. We will learn to live outside of her drama...I will train myself to not worry so much and live in the moment....

All the while, loving and missing her.


Kathleen Benckendorf said...


I feel your pain. BTDT. 17-18 can be hard even for neurotypical, non-traumatized, attached kids.

Legal troubles make everything worse, as they follow the kiddos even if/when they've overcome some of the other stuff.

I'll be praying that time and space give your daughter enough of a sense of safety for her to be able to do what she needs to do, and that you will find some peace, and that time will show her your own constancy. Sometimes, that does help.

Hannah_Rae said...

Oh. We are so there right now. Our 18 year-old has essentially disowned us. It sucks. My heart hurts for him. My heart hurts for us. It sucks.

Lord, give us wisdom and mercy and PEACE! And help us know how to pray for our wandering children. Bring them back to YOU. Not matter what else, bring them back to YOU!



Dia por Dia said...

I am thinking of you and praying for you all. It is so hard and I am sorry for your pain. Let yourself get angry and honor those feelings. They are important and essential as you work to heal and regroup. Stay open to her in the future. It may not happen now or for a long while but hopefully she will look back and feel the love that you so freely shared.

Anonymous said...


I can't say I understand what you are feeling although I can only guess as I only have a toddler as yet. BUT, what I am going to say to you is that you hang in there, God is able to see you through this hard time in your life - if you looked up to him, be honest to him and pour out your heart to him the way you feel andask HIM! I tell you, he can get your daughter back. remember it is by your faith and that God is a God of impossibilities. He can do what people cannot do, what the "law" cannot achieve.

Goodluck & God bless you and see you & your family through this hard period.

Kate said...

You love her, you accept her, the door is open for her to return. I pray for healing and restoration for all of you. xx

Anne said...

I've been a foster mom to teen girls 17-18, and they run away. A lot. But that doesn't mean the end of the relationship. I have a foster daughter who got her life together and we meet for lunch and laugh and I play grandma to her baby daughter, and the hurt recedes to the background. A little. I'm sorry. It hurts. She will come back, though... She will.