Sunday, June 1, 2008

It has been a long time!

Aren't they absolutely adorable? I mean there they are, hugging tightly. Marie has her eyes closed and she is completely embracing Rose as any wonderful, thoughtful older sister. And there is Rose hugging Marie but not quite embracing the closeness as readily. Here is where I live. In this picture, my life is. We started this blog as a way to sort of educate and encourage others but I am not sure where I want to go now. I need an outlet. Also, who knows, perhaps someone out there will empathize or share in my struggles and joys....

Both of my girls are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Which essentially means that they were unable to make a significant attachment/bond with their primary caregiver. (i.e. their birthmother) This attachment may not be made because the baby has some type sickness which precludes the parent from being able to properly fulfill the infants needs. But more likely it is because of a birthparent that is neglectful and/or abusive. As the child learns that they must fulfill their own needs, they become more and more distrustful of those taking care of them and they bury their need/desire for human contact and/or learn to use any tact necessary to fulfill their own needs. As they do this they begin to lie, manipulate, and steal to get their needs fulfilled, regardless if there is a responsible , loving adult there to fulfill those needs. Of course, this is oversimplified. I realize that. But how much can I really tell you..... a better place for information is www.nancythomasparenting.org or www. attach.org......

I am sharing alot by sharing this. There can be alot of stigma that happens when you are parenting a child like this. AND this is not the place to air all of our dirty laundry. So I won't discuss anything that will embarrass my daughters. But some things I will share...And I will definitely share the good things...BECAUSE everyone should get to hear the good things. Back to the stigma. My kids have a tendency to show me their feelings through behaviors. We never get a "Gee Mom I feel......." I get candy missing, my iPod missing, a class skipped, or lots of fresh words....If I am really lucky, "I hate you" gets interjected in for safe measure. And these behaviors are tedious, embarrassing, and scary. And they make people frustrated and uncomfortable. When people have these feelings, they recoil and tend to disappear. Which makes for a lonely place, sometimes. In defense of their behavior, their behavior always means something. They never steal for the thrill of it or lie because they can. They do these things because it freaks them out that I love them and that I am not going anywhere. They do it to make sure that I can keep them safe no matter how unsafe they are. They do it because they love me, too! That is a concept that I have the hardest time with...That the more horrible they appear to be, the more frightened they are because they know they love me, too. Which is amazing! Of course, we must retrain them so that they don't continue to do the things that they do. But it is a start.... Man did I get off on a tangent....

Well, that is alot of information and now I am exhausted as I sit here and take in what I just shared. I am eliminating my own feelings of shame and guilt. Please feel free to share anything you wish with me. I will make my email address available for anyone who reads this.

Most sincerely,
Me

1 comment:

Christine said...

Hi! I'm Christine. Just found you randomly. I'm also a mom with children who show me they're starting to love me by their actions (which don't appear to have an inkling of love in them).

It's lonely. It's confusing. It's hard. It's scary. It's worth every single solitary second.

It's RADalicious.