Saturday, July 19, 2008
I think that there are many times that I forget the love part of my relationship with Rose and Marie. I spend an inordinate amount of time in this struggle with them. Me always trying to remain in control and to show them love, and they are always trying to remain in control and proving that I don't love them.
I read in another blog about how much trauma and loss are part of adoption. I have to ask her permission before I post a link to her blog, but she is so correct. Loss on the part of my husband and I, as we were not able to conceive on our own and a greater loss on their part. They lost their birth families and everything they hold to be real.
Then the Foster Care system tosses them around telling them to feel happy that they are living here or there....It must be so very sad for them to worry daily whether this will be the day that the social worker brings them to a new family and new family they are supposed to like. Then at some point they are told that they are going to get a new family that they have to live with forever and they should really love them and think it is super groovy that this family wants them forever.
When in fact, the child feels a lot of anger that you want them to live with you and they are even angrier that you want to love them. The world sees their birth family as inappropriate and harmful. They don't see it that way, they see it as the only family they ever had. I feel as though I haven't done this justice and again I am oversimplifying this. But I also don't feel that I can get to personal with some information, as it is not fair to my children.
Both of my daughters have been gifts from God for my husband and I. As I mentioned, we were not able to conceive our own children. I truly believe that God has a path for each of us. It was sad when I learned that I would not be able to have biological children, but God made a way. My children are my destiny. My calling is raising them.
I was very naive when Marie came to us. I was assured that she was not RAD and that she would easily be able bond with us. I said I was Naive! Within two weeks of moving in, her war against loving us began. Again, this is about my romance so I won't go into detail but after much crying we found a therapist that was as committed to her being a part of our family as we were. The day her adoption was finalized was the day it appeared Marie became reconciled with her past and the hope of her future.
Although, bringing Rose and her trauma in our home brought back the many hurts and losses Marie has experienced, she remains committed to her own emotional well being. She still has her many ups and downs, but I know that she will succeed.
As we felt that we had successfully helped Marie heal, we decided to add another child to our home. Seriously folks...no one told me that a new kid's trauma could trigger the old kid's trauma....Lessons are learned the hard way sometimes!
We were also reassured with Rose that she did have RAD and that she was an angel. I wanted to believe that they were telling me the truth. I mean, I saw her innocent loving face and I was truly in love with her. And if she was not RAD, that meant she could share that love also. Alas, my peeps, there is no child that leaves foster care unscathed. She is charming and beautiful, so no one ever had an inkling of her trauma and the darkness she felt in her heart.
Again, didn't I tell you this was my love story? Not much for romance....huh? I guess I am learning that our love story is neither happy nor sad alone. It is both....mixed in with hurt, disappointment, anger, joy, victory and laughter. I started this blog wanting to share a story that was like "awwwww, what a feel good story...." I suppose we haven't achieved that yet....
But here is something to think about, if you don't have adopted children. You are all strangers at the beginning. There are social workers that match you that tell you "Mom, Dad, meet your kid" "Kid, meet your mom and dad" " Visit for awhile and then you will live together and love each other and you will share your lives together" When you give birth, you have the child from the moment he/she is born. All of your experiences are shared. Adopted kids have many points of reference that are different from yours....No wonder we have blips! Where did I mean to go with that?
My point is, even with the deck seemingly stacked against us. On some level we are succeeding. Having children with RAD has taught me many meaningful lessons. One of the greatest has been that success has many faces and even the little ones can be the most meaningful.....
Sorry if I was too all over the map today. I wanted to say so many things and I was becoming too wordy.
Be well......I truly appreciate all of you that are reading my blog and sharing with me.
God Bless you!