Monday, July 28, 2008
Ok....so here is a sticky subject for our families! I am not sure what happens in anyone else's family but Birth family is an ever present part of our lives. My children came to me at older ages. Marie was 9 when we met her and she moved in and Rose was 8 when we met her and she moved in. We met both of them after their birth parents had their parental rights revoked.
Both girls had lived with birth families until they were around the age of 5. They both have family histories that are complicated and I won't discuss because I do respect their most personal information. Again, full disclosure, they do know I am writing a blog regarding their birth families. I have promised them what I will and won't share. I love and respect my children and we always discuss these things....NO Shame in my house!
My husband and I read part of a book this past weekend that discussed an adopted child's lack of self worth. Many of them have self esteem issues that begin on the premise that they are unloveable because they could not stay with their birth family. In this book, the author discussed an adoptive mother that gave her son a letter from his birth mother saying that she loved him, thought of him, was proud of him and was really happy that he was being raised by a wonderful family. In the book, there was an amazing ending to this story. In reality, I am not sure that the ending will be "perfect".
I have been thinking about this. My little one, more than my oldest, struggles with those feelings of worthlessness and that she is not lovable. I have decided that perhaps we try this. I mean, we have tried so many other things! We have attended Attachment Therapy, she has been in a psych facility, we go to therapy every week, we read the books, we have done diet changes and vitamins, we say all of the right things, we respond the right way(most of the time!), and we still have this incredibly heart "sick" little girl in our home.
I contacted bio family members tonight. One by email and two by phone. Just so you know, before either of my children moved in, I met their birth mothers. It was my own rule. I always felt that the devil that I do know is better than the devil I don't know. Turns out that they were more sad and pathetic than horrible. I am finding it hard to navigate this part without becoming too personal so I will have to defer this to a later time.
Needless to say, I am truly hoping I will be able to give them these letters and perhaps quiet the beast in their belly. Both girls have deep pain from the loss of their birth family connection. Although it can be challenging and painful to us, I truly feel that they need some sort of closure with their birth family. A letter may not fix anything, it may only create other problems but we may have to navigate more pain to find healing! And that is what we are looking for! To have our children healed!
I want my children to grow up to be secure in themselves and to know what true, unconditional love is. Not only to know what it is but to experience it personally.
Today, after one of my conversations, I have great and wonderful hope for my girls. I wish you the same hope for your own families!