Lessons I Have Learned

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an Amen...lol)

Focus..K...focus!

Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the case...at all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope for....is much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!

We have come along way, Baby!

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

Birth Families part two......

This seems to be an issue that people are so very divided on....I find myself going back and forth on how I feel. Sometimes, I feel great pity and sadness for the birth family. I mean, I look at the wonderful child that I am raising and I realize how much they are missing out on. The good and the bad.....they don't ever get to have any of the experiences with the child that they gave birth to. Then there are times where I am spitting mad at them. I have intense anger at them because it is essentially their fault that their children have the emotional scars. I find myself going back and forth between these polar opposite feelings a lot.

I assume that if their birth families weren't so much of a daily subject in my home I wouldn't give them a second thought. But so many of the self esteem issues we struggle with in our home boil down to the fact that they don't believe their birth mothers loved them. Whether I like it or not....That is a big deal for them.

Some people assume that if I would just not mention them, this would end....It doesn't....It is in their minds every day. It is behind most of their behaviors and their tears. This primal heart ache.....

One of my children displays extreme behavior on an almost daily basis. We finally spoke to her therapist about a note that we could keep with us in case some misguided do gooder calls the cops because they are freaked out by her shrieks. This letter doesn't eliminate the behavior but for some reason I feel safer knowing that the note makes it less likely that her shrieking will end in deep trouble for all of us. ( Don't gasp with horror....Again, unless you have lived with a violent child, there is no way you can understand to what measures you must go to keep your child safe.....)

I told the story of one of my trips to Target and another blogger shared her trip to WalMart, those stories bother me. I know that I have done nothing wrong...But those around you don't when this little angelic face is puffy and red from her desperate screams.....It is sad that you need to be so careful but the world is different now.....

Watch out girls......I am going to go full circle....Guess what on earth is the reason she has these crazy, rageful tantrums.....You have it! The trauma of her past....The neglect, the separation from her birth family AND the way her mind processes all of it.

Our family is a work in progress. I truly believe that even though our successes seem limited, we are having successes. Even when I am at my wits end and I feel the lowest, we are better today than we were yesterday....AND That is awesome!

Have a fantastic evening! Be Well!.....

By the way.....my girls are going to my inlaws tomorrow night...So I get to have DATE NIGHT with my wonderful husband!....SO there will not be a blog tomorrow night!

Me

Birth Families!

Ok....so here is a sticky subject for our families! I am not sure what happens in anyone else's family but Birth family is an ever present part of our lives. My children came to me at older ages. Marie was 9 when we met her and she moved in and Rose was 8 when we met her and she moved in. We met both of them after their birth parents had their parental rights revoked.

Both girls had lived with birth families until they were around the age of 5. They both have family histories that are complicated and I won't discuss because I do respect their most personal information. Again, full disclosure, they do know I am writing a blog regarding their birth families. I have promised them what I will and won't share. I love and respect my children and we always discuss these things....NO Shame in my house!

My husband and I read part of a book this past weekend that discussed an adopted child's lack of self worth. Many of them have self esteem issues that begin on the premise that they are unloveable because they could not stay with their birth family. In this book, the author discussed an adoptive mother that gave her son a letter from his birth mother saying that she loved him, thought of him, was proud of him and was really happy that he was being raised by a wonderful family. In the book, there was an amazing ending to this story. In reality, I am not sure that the ending will be "perfect".

I have been thinking about this. My little one, more than my oldest, struggles with those feelings of worthlessness and that she is not lovable. I have decided that perhaps we try this. I mean, we have tried so many other things! We have attended Attachment Therapy, she has been in a psych facility, we go to therapy every week, we read the books, we have done diet changes and vitamins, we say all of the right things, we respond the right way(most of the time!), and we still have this incredibly heart "sick" little girl in our home.

I contacted bio family members tonight. One by email and two by phone. Just so you know, before either of my children moved in, I met their birth mothers. It was my own rule. I always felt that the devil that I do know is better than the devil I don't know. Turns out that they were more sad and pathetic than horrible. I am finding it hard to navigate this part without becoming too personal so I will have to defer this to a later time.

Needless to say, I am truly hoping I will be able to give them these letters and perhaps quiet the beast in their belly. Both girls have deep pain from the loss of their birth family connection. Although it can be challenging and painful to us, I truly feel that they need some sort of closure with their birth family. A letter may not fix anything, it may only create other problems but we may have to navigate more pain to find healing! And that is what we are looking for! To have our children healed!

I want my children to grow up to be secure in themselves and to know what true, unconditional love is. Not only to know what it is but to experience it personally.

Today, after one of my conversations, I have great and wonderful hope for my girls. I wish you the same hope for your own families!

Be Well....

Me