Saturday, December 6, 2008

We have come along way, Baby!



'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

3 comments:

*Peach* said...

A great book for adoptive families is "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish" by Sherrie Eldridge, as well as Nancy Verrier's, "The Primal Wound".

Queen Mommy said...

I own "Twenty Things".... but have not read "The Primal Wound". Thank you for the suggestion. I will be checking that out. Thanks for finding me. I enjoyed your thought provoking blog....

Brenda said...

I have been wondering how you are. You have had some big stuff going on. I'm anxious to hear more. I really like that book too.