January 4, 2009

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!

K

We have come along way, Baby!

'Tis the season to be jolly....falalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa....

Ummmmm....apparently this song was not written by a family with RADicals.=)

I didn't realize how long it has been since my last blog...sorry.....Truly do apologize. Don't worry....It hasn't been worse...Just constant...It has almost become a routine...Albeit a routine I don't like....Tantrums have become part of our routine. (((sigh)))

Yet this isn't going to be an entry of bummers...=)

Thanksgiving was difficult. Both girls were "off". Unless you have out of sync kids, it is hard to describe what that means. It doesn't seem that far off to most of the viewing public...but it is like their brains were shaken up and now they can't figure anything out. I was becoming increasingly agitated. Hard to believe after weeks of nasty behaviors...it wears on a girl.=)

Now what I did next is not something that I neither endorse as therapeutic or recommend unless the situation is appropriate. I know my next step is not the norm and it certainly isn't something that will work for all families...Or perhaps many at all.

I also will not go into huge detail about certain things. It may actually not make much sense when I omit some details. But I have to remain respectful of everyone involved. (did you notice I have way too many sidebars...but it is how I really talk)

Back in the summer, I made contact with Rose's biological paternal grandfather. He was not part of any of the trauma history of Rose. I was actually searching for her biological mother but he was the only name I knew for sure. He is a really neat guy and so is his wife. He and I have maintained a wonderful relationship since then.

Next, Marie's older brother is 18. A week before his 18th bday he leaves his residential program. We found out that he has moved in with his biological mother. She is still clean and seems to be doing very well considering how things used to be. I am proud of her.

Soooo, back to my story! They were completely out of sync and their behavior was getting worse and worse as the day progressed. I knew it was because of their hurt and loss of birth family. At another time, I will go more into this loss. Although, from living with it...I am sure that we all know that.

I was becoming more and more frustrated so I decided to take drastic measures. Here is the part that I am sure you will gasp at...may even question my judgment. I got out my cell phone and I began to call Rose's grandfather. She was in utter disbelief. Her tongue dropped to the floor. He wasn't home sooooo I had her leave a message. Then I called Marie's older brother and her birth mom answered. Sooooo we had a very short and appropriate conversation. Marie cried but smiled as she heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in 7 years. Later, Rose's grandpa called back and she also smiled as she spoke to him for the first time ever. The last time he saw her she was too little to speak.

My theory was that since they were having the issues anyhow....why not allow them what they truly wanted....contact....with their birth family. Their past....

To make peace with the past, they have to have all of the pieces. ( I heard that line from the show on WE called the Locator~a man helps reunite people) I am aware in most of our cases, this is not really appropriate or feasible for most families. In our case it was worth a try. Life is complicated and I don't know all of the answers. I probably can't give you even a few answers but for me it was worth a try.

Birth family issues have arisen most of this last week. A lot of clingy behavior and a lot of trying to control everything. But not one tantrum! Not one. Although, issues have been arising...it was bound to come up again. Why not now? Now is as good a time as any. Maybe now we can get to the real root of the matter and we can get working.

I have more to tell you but I am beat! I saw Daniel Hughes speak this week. I want to really discuss this because I found it to be a life changing two hour lecture. He wrote "Building the Bonds of Attachment". If you have not read it...it is a powerful book. He has also had 30+ years of experience dealing with children with Attachment Disorders. So that will hopefully be tomorrow.....And he gave me my hope back....Awesome!

Also, we had a visit with Bio grandpa on weds night. I want to tell you about that too....Also, a wonderful gift to be thankful for!

So Much to catch you up on! I missed you guys!

Be Well!
Me

It is Me again!

Hello...How are you? I am doing well, thank you.....

Soooooooooo, my peeps.....I read me some nifty blogs....One I love is Torina. The other night I was reading her blog. She said her family would make a great comedy. I, myself, think I would be a dramedy...Too much wailing and gnashing of teeth at my house to be a comedy.....lol

I have a friend that fosters. She always has something fun going on at her house. She graciously watches my daughters until I get home on the nights my hubs bowls. She is truly good to my girls. She has a newborn and a 15 month at her house now along with her own almost 3yo daughter. Rosie tends to parentify herself with younger children. My friend and I have discussed and agree on the rules about her little ones. Rosie can talk to them and play but she can't physically touch them.

This really pisses her off. I know it does. I can see that it does. I have explained to her and we have discussed at great length that she is a kid and she is lucky enough to get to act like a kid. Marie is a teenager and has taken a babysitting class. She does not try to parent the children and therefore my rules don't have to be as strict with her.

Guess what? Do you see where this goes since my friend babysat for me tonight?

We live in an apartment complex. She was quite verbally aggressive with me. Not good after a long day at work...hehehe....I let Marie into the house and locked the door. I sat down in front of the door and laid my head against the door.....She demanded that I let her in....I calmly (yay me! The pills are working...hahaha) told her that when she was able to respectfully speak to me, we could go inside. She stood over me and told me she thought she was gonna puke.....I told her she had to do what she had to do....(in my head, I just pleaded with God to help her control this urge...because I would be puking too if she did that!)

God hear my cries....She relented because she didn't want the neighbors to know we travel on the crazytrain! I have to say...my older daughter has bipolar along with her RAD and when she is having an "episode" (our special word for her manic place) she doesn't care who is there to experience her train ride....Rose on the other hand, is ridiculously aware of what other people appear to think. It really can work in my favor. I know I can run errands with her no matter what because she doesn't want anyone to know about the crazytrain!

I don't like Ozzy Osbourne's music. To be honest, I have never really listened to his music. He has this song called "Crazy Train" in the chorus he says "i am going off the rales on a crazy train" Sometimes....I feel as though that is my life....so I made it my ring tone...Please, don't write me and tell me how horrible that song is....lol...that is the only part of the song I have ever heard....and the only part I plan on hearing AND it feels like me right now...hahaha...clearly the meds need to be upped....lol

She chilled long enough to get in the house and shower....She began again after that so Marie was already in bed so I shut my bedroom door and let her do what she had to do until she fell asleep.....She went to sleep quite quickly....Man, I know if I were her, I would be exhausted....She puts so much effort into pushing us away from her. Poor kid....She really is a sad little girl. I feel so badly about the fact that she is so dedicated to pushing us away....Lucky for her...I don't ever give up easily! I am nothing if I am not dedicated! I may stumble and I may royally screw things up sometimes....But in the end...I am totally dedicated to this family!

Lucky for all of you, that means tons of blogs to come....hahahhaha...If you all excuse me..I have to go watch TLC and the family with two sets of twins and a set of sextuplets! And I think I am overwhelmed!


And in case I don't say it enough or well...Thank you to all of my family and friends for your love and support! My mom, dad, sister, both bro in laws, sis in law, father in law and J, my brother and M, J and D, M.L. and the list goes on! Thank you all for what you do for us! And Thank you to my blog family...I love you all too!

I'm Still Standing......

I was just singing that Elton John song...I love it....it is such a peppy song...."I'm still standing better than I ever was!" I haven't gotten to the second part of that but I am still standing!

When she first got home last friday....we had a horrible time. She was angry with us for having her admitted...she was still angry about her birth family....and now she had to return to school which made her even more angry...I had a very angry kid at my house.

She seems to be quieting down over the last couple of days....So that is good!!! So very good....AND this weekend my friend and I are going to see a musical! I soooo need a break....and how awesome do you feel after a musical.

I promise that I will write longer soon! I just want you to know how much it truly means to hear that you are thinking of us and praying for us....It is truly powerful!

Have a Happy Friday!

Be Well....

96 Hours and Counting!

Today was a good day! It was a very big milestone for Rose. It was four days without a tantrum....Four days...I am sure in the "normal" world that is not big deal, right? Well, with kids like mine...you count hours not days....so that is 96 hours without a tantrum.

And it is super impressive considering the conversation we had last night about bio family. Which is always a tantrum starter. But we seem to be seeing the beginnings of a healthy heart. I heard rumors of this in Attachment Therapy but to be honest, I had little hope would happen. She has been too traumatized, too damaged. But perhaps God has been waiting all of this time to teach us a lesson in patience and in trust.

I have to say that she has been trying to get my attention for weeks with her tap dancing and all because she wanted to be the main focus of my blog. Yet it was her most basic of all gifts that have made her the topic of choice tonight.

The getting a healthy heart is really important. It means she is allowing us into her heart, she is trusting us more and relying less on her own devices. For instance, yesterday she asked me a very pointed question about her bio mom. The answer knocked the wind right out of her sails.

I believe in honesty, even when it is painful. The only way they will ever trust us is if they can always count on us to be truthful. Of course, we are never cruel or mean for the sake of being so but when you're dealing with loss and abandonment with a child who has been both...Sometimes the answers are hard and feel quite cruel. But our jobs as parents are to be there to love them and support them and help them heal. And a huge part of that is honesty.

So I knocked the wind right out of her sails....The conversation was actually very difficult for all of us and of course she did it at the Food Court at the Mall....Talking about bio family with an adopted child is very difficult. They have so many mixed feelings. They love you but they feel that is a huge betrayal of their love for bio parents. So when the subject comes up they become defensive and they appear to be turning on you. It is a wound that never seems to heal on anyone's part.

She sat a few minutes and looked me in the eye and said "I don't really like you anymore!" I winced a bit and waited for more....there wasn't more....we talked more in the car about it...because beyond being a glutton for punishment, I felt that I had to make sure where her head space was. She said " I don't like it when you tell me that stuff, it makes me angry..." Again I praised her for expressing those feelings and that I completely understood how she could feel those things. I went on to express my feelings about her safety and emotional health being my utmost concern. She still didn't like it but conceded I was right....

See she is really getting healthy!

Today...still no tantrum and she went through the day expressing feelings and even when she was ready to implode....together we chose to keep the healthy growing....

So, Rose here you go baby...This one is for you....You rock....We have many miles still to go on our journey towards being a healthy family unit but you are getting healthier and that is a true miracle for us all to share!

Oh and the ice cream is in honor of Rose....She would do anything for food....Ice cream included...

I promise I will get back to the food issue thing....Tonight I am just super content knowing that my little girl's making big strides....

To paraphrase Sally Fields one year when she won some big award...."She likes us...She really likes us!"

Be well.....
Me

The True Love of a Kitty.....

This is a picture of my love bug kitten! His name is Scout. He is the ultimate love bug but he is quite selective with his love.

His two favorite people in my home are Rose and Marie. If I am completely honest, his one true love is Marie. He was only a couple of months old when Marie moved into our home.

She was 9 and had never seen a kitten. He was so teeny and you could barely hear his cries. Marie would follow him around and touch him. I would warn her that she was freaking him out. Scoutie is a fraidy cat.....He is literally scared of his own shadow. When he is alone in the living room and all of the lights are out....he cries out until you call his name! She didn't care she was in love with him. Her persistence was not without a consequence. He also fell head over heels in love with her.

Last summer our beloved cat, Poe, died. My husband and I found him at the beginning of our life together. He had been our first child, our first collective responsibility. We were devastated but I had to teach the girls that we could move on and love again. As Poe would want it. So we got a new kitten! Everyone was against the idea. But I persisted and brought home little Boo Radley. No one wanted to like him. Actually the first two days we had him, he hid all day and cried all night.....Loudly and painfully. Every time we tried to get near him, he hissed...He was only three months old.

So, Rose pursued Boo Radley and I also warned her about freaking the kitty out....he is very independent and doesn't really need us often....but she was in love with him .....and he eventually also succumbed to her persistence.

Both cats are very attached to the four of us alone. If they hear someone knock and we are all present and accounted for, they run and hide. If someone is here at our home, no one will see them till they are sure that they are safe with their family. My sister has two cats that love everyone and are wonderful with everyone. Sometimes I wish my babies would perform for others, but alas they give a much greater gift.

They love my girls. They love my girls unconditionally and in a way that they most would not understand.

My daughters have tantrums...and when I say tantrums, I really don't think that the exact wording of tantrum does it justice. They are at the very least verbally abusive and usually there is some sort of physical element to it. When they tantrum it can be very scary and it really gets the adrenaline popping. Chaos amplified.....

But the cats are completely unphazed. In the middle of all of the chaos....they go right up to the kids and rub against them. The girls usually calm down and have a quiet moment....Of course, this does nothing to stop the tantrum BUT I see their hearts during those moments with their one true loves. Sometimes it kills me that they have more emotional connection to animals than to me. But then I think about the fact that they LOVE someone.....AND that is better than the alternative.

I have to be honest...I am really tired tonight and I am lacking any level of focus. My husband usually reads my blog and tells me if it is good or needs to be tweeked..But the Red Sox are playing...And if you live in Red Sox Nation....that means all other matter of business ceases during a game....So I will live with what I have written...

Be well.....

More soon,
Me!

Security Cameras......

What those security officers at Target must see on a daily basis....Wedgie picking, nose picking....me picking my battles!

Marie has a mood disorder beyond her RAD. So she is super fun! (sarcasm is my best coping mechanism) So she can have mood "cycles" rapidly within one day. By rapid cycling, I mean she can be up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, and up again....before lunch.....so imagine a whole day of that....Most of the time she is able to self regulate with the help of her medication...But some days......not so much....today was a not so much kind of day....

We spent our day searching for cold places to be. We went to the movies with my sister (holla!) then went out to eat and after that Target. Target was a bad idea after such a long day but I just needed to get some juice boxes for Rose's field day.

Rose's shorts are too long for the heat...and Marie can't go on her field trip to Boston without an MP3 player....(she has lost three others...so don't feel too bad for her) I told them both no...Marie had a meltdown....In the middle of Target....I walked for awhile as she stomped her feet and huffed and puffed....

It became fairly annoying....So I found the outdoor furniture section and found a lovely lounge chair...I plopped my butt down and picked this battle......My husband took alittle coaxing but decided he would like to try out the lounge chair, too....She whined and bellowed. Threatened to leave the store and pretended to begin to destroy store property. We sat there unaffected by her drama...Inside I was like, HOLY COW....I hope the store manager doesn't kick us out.

Eventually, she calmed down and let me know that she was having a tough time regulating herself and that she needed help....(BTW, no duh) After an hour, I was able to go ahead and shop....crisis averted! And now I am proud of myself! I didn't get sucked in. She knows my buttons and is very good at pushing them...But I got it right this time! Yeah me!

The girls know about the blog. And Rose so desperately wants to be the center of the blog that at the restaurant she was trying new material. I didn't realize it at first, I just thought she was being obnoxious. After the third time of her saying...."mommy, daddy did you hear what i just said? it was some funny stuff! did you hear? did you hear?" I realized I have a stand up in my house.....albeit one that will get eggs and drinks thrown at her, she is trying....

On a side note...If you have little kids, I don't recommend "Kung Fu Panda" It has quite a bit of violence and some rude conversations. I am all for some sarcasm but I guess I have a problem with a movie that is geared towards kids that has so much fresh dialog...Sarcasm works for adults but kids movies...not so much...

Have a great Monday!