Sunday, January 4, 2009

January 4, 2009

Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for hoo....

My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.

I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!

My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!

This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.

When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to a rubber room! Nice visual right?

On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!



Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

hi- surfed here off of Torinas blog list.
A thought for the little one with the bad words... enjoy all the extra help around the house! I am sure you tried fines and such, you could give a try to having her repeat the word over and over for a set time, like 2 minutes (cover your ears lol) depending on how old she is. Increase it for every swear word. Good luck with the birth mom stuff, tricky and tense territory there!

Queen Mommy said...

Thank you! I love comments. At least I know I am going the right way! I have not tried the swearing for a time frame. My husband gave me a look with that one. I wanted to make her call me the "word" every time she addressed me for a 24 hour period. Mostly so that when she said it in public she would realize how ridiculous it sounded BUT my logical husband said no to that too. But I am going to have her repeat it for a time frame..Great idea...BTW she is 11! Thanks again!

Brie said...

Not sure if this will help for the swearing, but I remember our attachment therapist talking about it at one of our first meetings. I believe this is from Nancy Thomas. Her kids were swearing all the time, and she just did it right back. They were doing it at school, so she said she was going to talk to the principal like that. But she didn't make a big deal out of saying the word, it was more of a "wow, that's a neat way to talk. I think I'll do it, too." approach. She also made them look up the definition of the word and write it out however many times. (my daughter is too young for this approach, though.)

A year ago my 8 y/o daughter decided to start using the f word, and other variations of the word at school and at the neighbor's house. As much as it killed me, I did it right back. When she saw I wasn't bothered by it, she stopped, and I haven't heard the words since. It might be worth a shot!

Good luck!

Queen Mommy said...

Thanks for the great ideas! I will be experimenting this week...Fun times!

Annie said...

Those were both ideas I was going to suggest. They want to do what bothers us the most so our therapist told us when they are like that we should ask them to do the opposite of what we want. For example if they call you a name, you say hey, I like that you say f*&^' all the time, please use it more. Then when they use it tell them it really makes you proud that they listened so well. That irritates them. And if they stop using it....Either way it's a win for you.

truevyne said...

On the growing list of "what I wished I knew before adopting a child dealing with RAD" was the damage done by even supervised visits with birth parents.