Sunday, June 22, 2008
96 Hours and Counting!
Today was a good day! It was a very big milestone for Rose. It was four days without a tantrum....Four days...I am sure in the "normal" world that is not big deal, right? Well, with kids like mine...you count hours not days....so that is 96 hours without a tantrum.
And it is super impressive considering the conversation we had last night about bio family. Which is always a tantrum starter. But we seem to be seeing the beginnings of a healthy heart. I heard rumors of this in Attachment Therapy but to be honest, I had little hope would happen. She has been too traumatized, too damaged. But perhaps God has been waiting all of this time to teach us a lesson in patience and in trust.
I have to say that she has been trying to get my attention for weeks with her tap dancing and all because she wanted to be the main focus of my blog. Yet it was her most basic of all gifts that have made her the topic of choice tonight.
The getting a healthy heart is really important. It means she is allowing us into her heart, she is trusting us more and relying less on her own devices. For instance, yesterday she asked me a very pointed question about her bio mom. The answer knocked the wind right out of her sails.
I believe in honesty, even when it is painful. The only way they will ever trust us is if they can always count on us to be truthful. Of course, we are never cruel or mean for the sake of being so but when you're dealing with loss and abandonment with a child who has been both...Sometimes the answers are hard and feel quite cruel. But our jobs as parents are to be there to love them and support them and help them heal. And a huge part of that is honesty.
So I knocked the wind right out of her sails....The conversation was actually very difficult for all of us and of course she did it at the Food Court at the Mall....Talking about bio family with an adopted child is very difficult. They have so many mixed feelings. They love you but they feel that is a huge betrayal of their love for bio parents. So when the subject comes up they become defensive and they appear to be turning on you. It is a wound that never seems to heal on anyone's part.
She sat a few minutes and looked me in the eye and said "I don't really like you anymore!" I winced a bit and waited for more....there wasn't more....we talked more in the car about it...because beyond being a glutton for punishment, I felt that I had to make sure where her head space was. She said " I don't like it when you tell me that stuff, it makes me angry..." Again I praised her for expressing those feelings and that I completely understood how she could feel those things. I went on to express my feelings about her safety and emotional health being my utmost concern. She still didn't like it but conceded I was right....
See she is really getting healthy!
Today...still no tantrum and she went through the day expressing feelings and even when she was ready to implode....together we chose to keep the healthy growing....
So, Rose here you go baby...This one is for you....You rock....We have many miles still to go on our journey towards being a healthy family unit but you are getting healthier and that is a true miracle for us all to share!
Oh and the ice cream is in honor of Rose....She would do anything for food....Ice cream included...
I promise I will get back to the food issue thing....Tonight I am just super content knowing that my little girl's making big strides....
To paraphrase Sally Fields one year when she won some big award...."She likes us...She really likes us!"