Monday, December 8, 2008

Lessons I Have Learned

I really am going to get to Daniel Hughes this week. He has a new book coming out on Attachment Parenting. I was so moved by his lecture. I want to share....

BUT I have these kids...These kids that I am lucky enough to parent. These children that God gave me to mold, teach, love, and help heal. And they do stuff that becomes bigger than what my agenda is.

As I told you the other day. We have recently reintroduced Rose to her biological grandfather and his wonderful wife. And there was a lot of apprehension on our part. Not about his appropriateness or whether he would be bad for her. I have emailed him daily for almost five months, we talk on the phone several times a month, and we have seen each other a couple of times. I am a great judge of people when I meet them. No psychic powers or anything. I am really good at telling whether a person is for real. I can tell phony quite easily. I watch body language....Words are easy to fabricate but body language gives you away every time. I even venture to say most moms that have children with special needs have this gift. It is a gift to read your kid and know that there is more than meets the eye there. (Can I hear an


Our apprehension was more because we didn't want to perpetuate Rose's fantasy of her birth family "fixing" her life. I also was worried that my child who already refuses to be part of our family would "check out" for good. Here is where I have to walk the tightrope....I don't want to sound all polly anna because eventually the other shoe will drop....BUT...right now....I have been pleasantly surprised. She isn't as far removed from us as I thought. After our visit...she came home and cuddled with me for awhile. She laid in my lap limply, clinging to me. I was astonished....I AM HER SAFETY BLANKET! Me....For months, years even I have felt there was no connection....that she was the ice queen...not the all! She has come in to my bed every morning and she has willingly cuddled with me. She has been helpful and loving. She has(dare I actually say it aloud) been fun to be around!

This whole time we thought we were giving her grandparents and her the gift of a relationship but I am also getting a gift. The gift of hope. I am sure you must have read in my blogs the level of exhaustion and frustration I was feeling. I was at the end of my rope...the very difficult to admit to word, disruption, had been bantered around. I have felt hopeless and isolated...And devastated by those feelings...But I have been given HOPE back again! God knew I was in need of this boost. My little child that I had lost hope much healthier than I supposed...I am not saying she is by any stretch of the imagination Healed...but perhaps she isn't as "broken" as we feared.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Daniel Hughes also said he can't predict the future so there is no child he has ever given up hope on. Some kids don't seem to figure it out till their 30's but they would never have figured it out if hope was lost....So I can't lose my hope.

I am going to take the giggles, I am going to take the REAL hugs, I am going to relish the kisses and snuggles...and I am going to treasure them all.....Because I am sure there are a few more "I hate you's" in my future.....=0)

Be Well....Thanks for not giving up on me!


mary grace said...

Wow. What an amazing glimpse into your dd's heart you're getting.

familygregg said...

Oh, that is so wonderful. I love when surprises happen. I think they come when we need them most.

familygregg said...

It reminds me of Jean Valjean. Just when he is tired of the darkness which surrounds him. Just when he is punished again...for doing good. Just when he is about to turn from the path lose his fall....Cosette comes. He is given Cosette and she brings hope to his weary heart. Can you tell I am reading Les Mis?

Brenda said...

That was very comforting. I'm so glad you took that brave step. Btw, your site is gorgous!

Brie said...

How wonderful! I am so happy that you have found some relief. I also have a RAD daughter, and it is so comforting to hear when other moms have made progress. It gives me hope for my own little one!

Accidental Mommy said...

It makes total sense. It's always weird to me that the meltdowns are just as shocking as their small revelations. I think that's what keeps us going.

We are shocked that such terrible things (meltdowns and such)can come from such innocence from seemingly out of the blue and then equally shocked when they show us tiny snippets of the difference we do make--also from out of the blue. lol

Lisa said...

I am so tickled you're having some good days. I love Daniel Hughes!
Enjoy them while they last!

marythemom said...

I just started reading your blog and I'm enjoying getting to know you and your girls. Our children have some similar issues. My 15 year old adopted son has bipolar and is RAD (among other diagnoses). My 13 year old adopted daughter is most likely bipolar and is definitely ODD (again among other diagnoses).

We've only had our children 2 years, but it is a constant roller coaster ride here too. The steps forward and back. The occasional hugs and affection, the more frequent setbacks and regression.

This is an amazing life isn't it?!

Mary in TX

Mom to biokids Ponito(9) and his sister Bob(12)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(13) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.

" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."