Sunday, September 21, 2008

Decisions to be made......

We have really had a rough stretch with our eleven year old. She has lived with us since February 2006 and we have been going through a rough stretch with her since January 2006. Yes that is correct. She has been a struggle even during our transition. My husband and I convinced ourselves that once she moved in she would quiet down. Then her behaviors escalated and we justified this by saying that once her adoption was legalized she would settle in, just as our Marie had done. Her Adoption was finalized November 2006. Her behaviors continued and have been close to unbearable at least once to twice a month since. I am being kind with these estimates.

We have done as much as we feel we can do to help her heal. In the last month, we have increased therapy sessions. She refuses to be part of therapy 90% of the time. Luckily, her therapist is wonderful and is committed to helping our family. Unfortunately, I think her resistance to therapy goes beyond fear or trauma. It is more of a genetic imprint. I am sure someone will gasp at my theory about this but I am with her, I live her wrath and anger daily.

I will also add that I have successfully parented another RAD child. I am a great mother with solid parenting knowledge. One that is very attached to us now and has made the decision to trust. She has made so much of herself by allowing others to love her and to love others. I do know that healing can happen. I have experienced it. Marie's current issues are more due to being a teenager and the impulsivity of her mood disorder and less about RAD.

Rose is very different. She purposely chooses to be harmful and toxic to everyone around her. We went through attachment therapy with a very well known and successful attachment group. She was willing to do what she needed to do so that she didn't have to sit in their waiting room for hours each week. No real work was done...Sadly she has no interest in buying into it. There is nothing of value to her. Nothing. Nor does anything gain any value through lessons. Consequences mean nothing to her. She will do what she has to do to get through and begins her plan for future revenge. She thrives on the toxicity she spews. Everything is a game. Everyone is her pawn.

This week she did major damage to a main door in the complex we live in and in the process injured my hand. I am fine. A small injury but an escalation in her behavior. I am becoming more frustrated with the situation daily. Her therapist has suggested having her assessed through a state Risk Assessment program. The risk with this is obvious since she is a past foster child. Although, I am starting to feel as though her only help will be a residential placement. I am very conflicted. I want to keep her safe and protect her. She is so cold and hard to this. Her walls are so thick and they seem too strong to penetrate.

I still have so much hope for her. I still want so many things for her life. I still pray that somehow we can break through her walls. I just am not convinced she wants any of those things to happen. I feel so frustrated.

I am still plugging on....I am still parenting her the best that I can....I still have hope....God has to do the rest.....

Be Well....

5 comments:

Torina said...

So hard. I know. We are living a similar situation. I want to be there for my daughter but her anger and venom is too much for the family to constantly take. RAD sucks. I'll be praying for you.

CJ Merrell said...

I am experiencing a very similar situation now. We have taken in my 18 year old adopted sister because my Mom couldn't handle her anymore. It's very sad that everyone has reached a desolate detached resolution. I'm caught in the middle. I feel your pain. Hope a better solution presents itself. I prayed for you today.

Shawna said...

You are an amazing mom and I know that you will make the right decision for your daughter. I will pray with you that you will know what that decision is. I'm sorry that things are so tough right now.

Unspeakable Joy said...

wow, even as a mom of rads, i can't imagine how hard and sad that is to think about. sorry you're having to, but she's very fortunate to have you!!!

Anonymous said...

I have worked with RAD children. I have fund that in most cases their and RAD has been causedby removal from their biological homes, and subsequent care in the Child protective system. They cannot adjust to the upheaval of CPS system, they cannot love because all they love has been taken away. They are confused and hostile, even thought they may have been taken from an adverse situation. Problems is CPS does not see the real problems and seldom advise the foster or adoptive home thus complicating the problem.
A hurt child cannot love just becuase you may love them. They no longer trust love. I am not certain there is a final solution