Sunday, September 7, 2008

For Those of You That Don't Live in My House....

For anyone left in the universe of Blogs that doesn't think that you must be incredibly strong to parent a Radish.....I just want to say...You are wrong....

When any parent sees their child for the first time there is an incredible welling up of emotion. You see that beautiful child ( no matter the age of the child) and you know that it is your child. It happens to varying degrees, I am sure depending on the situation...But you do KNOW they are yours. It doesn't matter their past, it doesn't matter the way they came into this world...You just know that child is yours. You know that you are meant to be together. At least, that was how it was for me.

My youngest daughter...I think today was the first time she has truly broken my heart. She can be brutally mean when she speaks with me. That doesn't hurt me. She says, on many occasions, that she hates me. That is certainly not hurtful. She will scream that I am a horrible mother. Still no pain going on. I know that her words come from pain.

We were in the car today...She told me that she doesn't think her biological sister looks anything like her birth family...I told her that they both ook just like their birthmom. She sat back there and repeated to me that she was the one that looked just like her birthmom. I agreed. ( I hate these conversations but they don't bother me...It is something that I have come to accept. ) At this point she became angry with me for not...Oh I don't know...not saying my words in the right tone...I have no idea.....I asked her why, if she knew she looked like her birth mother, did she need me to agree with her. "Because if I look like her, everyone knows that I belong to my real family".

I know it is only semantics and I am not into the whole politically correct adoption language that everyone wants us to use in our feel good society. But I truly hate that phrase. REAL FAMILY? The real family is the family that loves you, takes care of you, keeps you safe..all of those things that we do.

Of course, I (once again) explained to her that she could use the term birth family or bio family ....but we were her real family....your real family is the family you have!....So she said to me....You aren't my real family...you are the family I have to live with ....not my real family! Ok...you probably don't see the big deal...but even in parenting a RAD kid...they usually try to lie or sucker you....She is beyond doing that....I don't think anything she has ever said has ever had the same effect.

I will be fine....This isn't the end of the world..In the grand scheme of things, it is just another blip...But Parenting isn't for cowards...and I just needed to tell someone out there....today, it sucked....=)

9 comments:

Christine said...

Yup. One of my kids played that card one day.

ouch.

Torina said...

My boys do that without even thinking about it. It does not feel good.

Jess said...

Momma said there would be days like these. All kids seem to be hateful from time to time so if it is any consolation QM, not just RADishes can turn an otherwise lovely day into a sucky one.
You've got a friend here, and I understand.

Unspeakable Joy said...

oh yuck!! sucks indeed and i'm sorry to hear it. i so hope that soon you have a very happy post so we can all rejoice with you! but right now we all certainly feel for you. hate those yucky days!!!

familygregg said...

big time.

CJ Merrell said...

I sooooo know what that feels like! It does suck!!!

marythemom said...

When mine do this, I want to say, "BUT SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU! SHE ALLOWED THE MEN IN HER LIFE TO HURT YOU! SHE MOVED YOU HERE AND THERE AND WAS ADDICTED TO DRUGS AND ABUSIVE MEN. THEN SHE DUMPED YOU LIKE YESTERDAY'S GARBAGE AND MADE YOU FEEL LIKE IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT. SHE HAS 5 CHILDREN ALL WITH DIFFERENT FATHERS - AND SHE KEPT YOUR YOUNGER SIBLINGS. SHE'S A HORRIBLE MOM... and I have been there for you even when you screamed and hit and pushed me away. I brought you and your sibling into my family with all your issues that hurt myself, my Hubby and my young children. I was there for you and I NEVER hurt you or got rid of you - NO MATTER WHAT!"

I WANT to say that, but I can't. I know better than to say more than your biomom loved you and wanted what was best for you. I occasionally gently point out her poor parenting techniques and then feel guilty.

You are not alone!

Anonymous said...

The Radlets really seems to hone in and not only put the knife in; but twist. It is like living with "Obituary Writers". You know...you wonder when you read obituaries why we are stuck with all the grumpy individuals and all the sweet and lovely and "wonderful" people die. sigh. The one day in year that our son can remember that his bio mom was nice to him was a particular Christmas. He has yet to want to even live life because he is consumed with bio-mom. Yet when I ask him where he wants bio-mom to live...it is about 500 yards away and he then said he would ONLY visit her when I was with him. We don't know where she is. We adopted internationally and she dumped he and his sister on people of an evil-bent such as I can only imagine.

Still he and his sister lash out and dream and have magical thinking about the bio-family. I try to encourage the grieving, but that seems to backfire as well because THEY REALLY WANT ME TO GET MAD.

So...uh...I don't know what to say...but I think you know that unless you live it...it is so very difficult to understand and even then as in my son arguing with me EVEN WHEN I DELIBERATELY AGREE WITH HIM. Now that is oppositional.

Anonymous said...

That's so sad. They get this fantasy of reunification (not that there was ever unification) with the biomom and they have no idea.No idea. I doubt they'd like living in an abandoned car or having no clean clothes to wear but they imagine that life with their "real" mom would be pure bliss.
Plus, it's not fair to rip the biomom so you can't mention that little incident when she tried to sell the kid for beer money.
I'd say if you're not "real" then you can't possibly drive them to the mall or buy them an ice cream cone. That should change their tune pretty quickly.
-Jill