Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Snuggle Time.....

My little Rosie. I love her. I am not sure that is really something that I hide. But perhaps as the mom of a RADical, I appear hostile and unloving. It isn't unloving or hostility that I am feeling. It is truly the frustration of loving a child and that child spending every moment of their life rejecting your efforts. It is the frustration of having a child appear to attack you and abuse you (verbally and in some cases, physically) every waking moment. It is the frustration of dedicating your life to their healing and everyone judging your parenting skills and assuming you are off your rocker.

My frustration is like the ebb and flow of the water. Sometimes, she is particularly toxic and it feels as though I have been engulfed in a tidal wave. Then, she gets it together and the water is gone. I feel peaceful and serene. I truly think in these times, God gives me the gift of memory loss.

I am not sure if anyone else ever feels this way. When she is raging, I feel as though I could drown and that it can never get better. She overwhelms me with her rage. But when we are in our good times, I am able to sit back and see the bigger picture. God grants me the grace to "forget". Of course, I don't really forget. I know what has happened and I remember how painful it was. But I am able to let go of it and I allow myself to feel HOPE again!

During Attachment Therapy, they always encouraged Cuddle Time. A time when I am supposed to hold Rose like an infant. It creates intimacy between us. She fights it most of the time. She is rigid or screams till she goes limp from exhaustion. The only time I can coax her into it is when I bribe her with M&M's or pudding or a sippy cup of chocolate milk. Otherwise, there is no gain for her.

In the past, the only time she asked for cuddle time was when she knew we had a good snack I might ply her with. And she only wanted it for as long as she thought I wanted to get her something she wanted. Needless to say, this constant manipulation makes me less than thrilled when she approaches me. My issue not hers. But still it strains the situation sometimes.

Then the water goes back out to sea and she asks me tonight for cuddle time. She had already had snack. I said yes. She laid on my lap and snuggled very close to me. She looked in my eyes and she was less rigid than usual. She never asked for a goodie. She held me close and she felt so very close to human. (does that make sense?) A little victory. Small but powerful.

These are the times that I know we can keep going. We can keep trying to create a healed family. We aren't going to be a war zone forever. Thank you, God, for my renewed hope!

Her therapist is gone for two weeks to get married and go on a honeymoon. Really, is this fair? She did offer to take me with her so I could have a break. As tempting as a trip to Hawaii is, it would be a romance killer for her. The hubby won't be so thrilled. =)

Have a great night and Be Well.


Christine said...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. A thousand times YES.

I get it. I totally get it. Today I am pretty sure I felt complete depletion and complete hope and everything in between. Just at different times. 6:00 pm was nothing like 10:00 am ... which were nothing like 3:30 pm.

I so get it.

"She held me close and she felt so very close to human."

I get that too. In our six months together, I've only had one of those with my daughter. I felt bad that it was so surprising for me. I missed out on part of it, probably just looking like a deer in headlights! :)

Tonight I feel refreshed. I'm ready to dive back in tomorrow. I have no idea what my RADishes will choose for themselves. Their behaviors are escalating, as we near the time to finalize their adoption. They may choose to wake up pushing me away. They may let me in a little bit. Either way, God will give me some sort of encouragement somewhere in the middle of it. He always, always does!

Torina said...

How old is Rosie? Just curious. I am fairly new to your blog so I feel like I have some catching up to do :) Have you tried doing this at different times when her defenses might be down a bit?

For my daughter, it worked best right before bed and we got into a routine. I moved a rocking chair into her room and would sing her old rock songs while we rocked. After a while she learned all the words and would sing them with me. She was 11 at the time.

She is now physically too big for me to do that with (13.5) but I will still sit next to her and hug and rock her. The key with Tara was doing it on a routine so it was expected every night. If I did it at another time, I got rigid stick girl.

It'll get even better. Just stick with it. Everyone told me my kid would never change and she did. it sounds like you are already making progress! That is awesome.

Alyssa's Mom said...


I am new to your blog, but I just wanted to say stick with it! I have a 9yr old RAD girl - healing!

Cuddle time was rough at first, now it is something that we both cherish and look forward to.

Oh, and it is OK to bribe them - I used icecream!

Sam and Emma said...

I feel your pain...been there...still there and will continue there...but like you God is faithful to give me glimpses of hope. Sometimes I think that it will only be on the other side of heaven that I will truly see what God has (is) doing!
stay strong!
Thanks for sharing...it helps the rest of us know we are normal (or least not the only crazy ones! lol!)

Unspeakable Joy said...

so well said, and what i would have said! i need to link to this post!

FaerieMama said...

Like Torina, everyone told me it would never get better. but.....

It did! We are at 3 years and 6 months home, and she is a completely different girl. Long way to go, but...compared to those first two years, BIG changes.

Looks like you are getting there too :)

Leaders In Learning said...

Yes, you have company with you. I'm a mother of three pre-teen and teen RADishes. Today, I was hurting so badly from the rejection that I felt like saying, "I give up. I don't want to be a mom anymore if this is what it is like." But then I love my children so much, I know I could never hurt them by rejecting them even as much as they reject me. I prayed to God for strength and forced myself to be loving. I always say "It's hard to hug a cactus." Well, if I toughen u
p my skin too much, I will become one as well. Then nobody will attach. Nice blog here. Glad to visit.

Brenda said...

You summed up my feelings so well.