What was I thinking?

I have a lot of mixed emotions. I have so many things going through my mind right now! I feel sadness, relief, guilt, peace. I suck right? hahaha....I feel peace because I don't have to have my guard up. I can relax, I can have a moment to catch my breath. I can relax....No stress at home. I am relieved that I can relax...I feel sadness that I can relax...>I feel guilt because I can relax....I think way too much!

When we were in the ER having the psych eval done...Rose was having a blast. She was holding court and the room was full of nurses that were more than willing to be her jester. At one point they asked her if she wanted juice and cookies. I softly declined on Rose's behalf. The nurse looked at me in disbelief. Her face looked as though I had asked her to euthanize my child. She said to me " you know that I will have to write on her chart that you have refused her food and drink?" I said "yes, do what you must but she doesn't need to be given juice or cookies. We aren't here to have a party. I have water if she truly needs something" I was surprised that she felt that it was horrible to say no to juice and cookies at 9 pm!

When the clinician said he felt he could make a case to have her admitted, Rosie said "Do they have stuff for me to play with?" And when the ambulance driver took her by the hand to the ambulance, she happily went with her. I told her that I would be following with daddy behind the ambulance and she barely gave me a second look. When we entered the facility, they told her she would be going to bed. She hugged us and left the room....Never looked back...When she found out we couldn't visit till the end of the week she said it was not a big deal...she had her stuff but when we came, could we bring her snacks.

If my heart wasn't broken, there are many stories about this that are kind of comical. We are working with the staff to set up services for her when she leaves the program. We are hopeful that something beneficial will come out of this. I am still praying that she will have the "ahhh haaa" moment where something clicks and she is able to do the work that she needs to begin the healing process.....

As long as I keep up my hope...I am able to get up and be the productive mom of RADishes....

Be Well....