Friday, March 12, 2010


I have been parenting children (was one child for a while) for seven years. I have been parenting mental illness of seven years now. I have been choking back my own trauma from parenting trauma for seven years now. I have gained about thirty five pounds from parenting trauma and mental illness for seven years now. I have also gained anxiety and PTSD from parenting trauma and mental illness for seven years.

Both of my children have mental illness. I LOVE MY CHILDREN! It is my reality. It is not a reality I knew would be mine, but I lovingly chose to raise my children. I may have been naive to the truly monumental job I was taking on BUT I chose it none the less. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. I don't want people to give me those looks of pity that I am put upon. I am not put upon. I chose my children. My husband and chose to love these children and to give them a chance to flourish with our love. Except, Love isn't enough. Love is not all that you need to help these children.

I was meeting with someone on my daughter, Rosie's team and she said I have blocked myself off. I am dismissive of my own feeling and that I have closed myself off from everyone in the world. She said it is as if I have no affect. I have no reaction to anything. I am doing what I have to do to get through my day, superficially engaging with all of those around me. WOW! I have RAD! It was sobering to realize I have taken on so many of those things from my children.

Of course, this isn't their fault. I don't believe this is on them at all. They are victims themselves. We have now all become victims of their trauma, abuse, neglect and mental illness.

I feel as though I have no support system. I feel as though I am completely isolated from the human race. I feel judged at every turn. I don't trust anyone. I am suspect of everyone around me. I don't even cry anymore. I laugh and make everything a joke. I won't allow anyone to have empathy for me. I won't let anyone close to me. I am so very quick to attack and so very quick to shut them out. I hadn't thought about this ever! This woman has opened my eyes to my own behaviors. I have always blamed their trauma, their mental illness...that was why I am alone in the world.

In reality that is not the case. I don't have a support system right now...but it is because I have alienated them. I have become so hardened and so immune to love and support that I don't feel it. I am afraid to let them in. I can see where I stopped them in their tracks. I am trying to fix this with my loved ones but sometimes those relationships are hard to mend. I am still full of my own hurt and pain...I am not able to reach out, though I know it is mine to do.

I want so badly for someone to come to my house and hug me....Tell me it will be ok and that they love me no matter what. That I matter. And yet...I don't know how to reach out for that. I am hurting so badly inside yet I don't allow myself to feel it. I want the world to see I can handle it all...when I can't.

I said all of this to say....sometimes things don't appear as they seem. People can be hurting so much when they seem so strong. Allow someone a second, third, twentieth chance. Love them wholly and unconditionally...and if you can...go to the person's home and give them a hug....They don't need their life to be fixed, and they don't need pity....they just need to know...They aren't alone and that they are loved....So love them. Hug them tight!

Have a grace and blessing filled day!

Queen Mommy


Lori said...

Wow...I feel like you are living my life and feeling my feelings! hugs to you and all of the other moms to rads out there :) xoxo

lovingmygirlsalways said...

((((Hugs))) I know exactly how you feel at this point. I hope you are able to start opening up to others as I have not been able to yet. Take each day, minute, second at a time and hopefully you will be back yourself soon. I will be thinking about you. ♥

Lisa said...

I would sooooooo come to your house and give you the most gigantic hug ever! You totally need to check out Diana's blog (goldtorefine.blogspot) and try to get yourself there.

I do believe that RAD is contagious. We live in survival mode and it's hard to embrace the "world" again.

Hugs darlin! I love ya!

Cindy said...

I have read your blog for a while now, but don't ordinarily comment. I think this is an amazingly open and honest post and really admire you for having the courage to write and publish it. Having had children with RAD in our home before, I know it can be so isolating. People who haven't lived it have no idea, even if they want to understand. I hope you feel more hopeful and receive some much-needed support soon!

Jenny said...

I adore you, you know this, or should. You are awesome and strong and loving. I tell you all the time, not because you 'want' to hear it, simply because I mean it. You are one of the most amazing women I know and trust me, that list is short. I am here to help with this hurdle, through good and bad times, "BFF", I am here always.......
I didn't hug you today, because I don't want your cold, I did kiss your lil forehead though!!! Hugs, Kandace.... Love today, tomorrow and always.....

marythemom said...

We are so living the same life. I even had someone bring me to this exact same realization today.

Don't know where you live, but I'd give you a big fat hug if I could. I could use one myself.

Mary in Tx

Reighnie said...

I feel this way too. In fact if I were truly honest, I would add that I don't even want to live anymore. Not like suicide because I wouldn't do that, but I wish God would just have mercy on me and set me free from all of this.

I get so angry with myself because I let one child do this to me. The other 4 are thriving and almost securely attached and I let the one control and manipulate me and everyone else instead of focusing on the three I did get through to and the oldest that I am helping to understand.

When it comes to that one child, I feel like you do. Blocked off. I am meeting with a real life attachment therapist on the 26th and I am literally terrified.

Anonymous said...

In the meantime, what is happening with Rosie?

Anonymous said...

You should really read this blog; I find the parent's insight and blogging very informative and helpful.

Angie said...

I hear your heart. I too, live each day without much feeling. Sadly, my bio children have become the ones to tell me. Lately I have been refreshed by worship, true worship. Get alone and seek YOUR creator. Cry to Him. He gives us the strength to carry on. Empty yourself before him of all the inadequacies that you have and ask Him to fulfil those "holes" with His love. Then, and only then, can we walk this's too tough for us without Jesus! Hugs to you sister that I don't even know personally. I've walked your journey though, and you have poured into my life. I have cried with you, laughed with you, and learned from you. Hang in there and make the most of the time your girls are away (with God, I mean). Be blessed.

Nicole said...

I am so glad you wrote that because I feel exactly that way. I was never very social to begin with but now... My kid often has hugs everyone but me. And is all smiles, giggles, and seriously beguiling to anyone and everyone else so who can I talk to...who will believe? No one...they have proven it. I just don't feel willing to stick my neck out there again. It is just too exhausting to explain to someone else and dealing with the look of incredulity is too tough.