This has been a long strange ride. I am sitting in my living room watching my almost 13 year old make her own tuna sandwich. To the outside world I am sure this is no big deal but it is HUGE here. When Rosie is emotionally healthy, she can make her own food and be helpful to us. When Rosie is emotionally unhealthy, she breaks down in fits of tears and says we have no food. Today we are having an emotionally healthy day.
Actually, this has been the first holiday in the four years that Rosie has been with us that she didn't have a complete breakdown! It was also the first holiday that both girls have been home with us since last Thanksgiving. At least one of the girls have been in out of home placements for each holiday since last November.
The stress of raising them can sometimes seem oppressive. I long for respite all the time. Yet when they are away, there is a hole in my soul. I am lost without them. I know I have already covered this in a previous blog but it bears repeating. They have become part of my soul. I didn't give birth to them yet they are in my blood.
I know they have needed the time out of the home. I know that everything I have done for both girls has been in their best interest. I still feel guilt sometimes. I still feel as though I somehow failed them because their needs were too big for me. I also know in my head that isn't the case. I can't fail them when I am keeping them safe and making sure their needs are taken care of. I am their mom...I want to fix it all. I want to make the hurt leave.
Marie was home for a visit this weekend. Marie and Rosie were stuck to each other. So very nice to watch and experience. We had a family get together at my parent's house. Both of my siblings were there with their families. It was the first time all of the cousins were together. My nephews and my daughters. Marie enjoyed the teasing my brother gave her. She was the child we have been raising for seven years. She wasn't the troubled child from the last four months. Rosie was quiet and shy but still sweet and cuddly with everyone. It was just a really wonderful time.
And today is still a great day! She is sitting next to me, eating her sandwich, smiling, giggling and being pleasant to be around. A very healthy day.
May you also have a healthy day!