Thursday, May 21, 2009

If I were a drinker, I would be in trouble.......

Wow....isn't that a provacative title? Don't worry....I am not over imbibing...I actually don't drink at all. Personal choice that was further solidified when my two children became part of my family. Having alcoholic/drug addicted parents caring for you can really mess you up so I chose to eliminate that fear from their life and not drink simple as that....

But it is really one of those days....If I did drink...I would be three sheets to the wind by now. Having a tough time with little Rosie once again. She doesn't quite get a few concepts that I feel are quite obvious. Then there is a part of me that thinks perhaps her poor behavior is more calculating than I think.

Here is the scenario..... Mother's Day...Her Birthmom calls us, out of the blue and about three years after our last contact. I let Rosie speak to her and we have found out that she has reproduced with another man. Two healthy little boys. They are still in her custody and appear to be happy, healthy family. I don't know how much of this is true and accurate but by all accounts she is not forcing the disasterous childhood on these new children that she gifted to my daughter.

Rosie declares her undying love for her birthmom and sibs. Why wouldn't she? I know that is logical and completely normal for her to feel. She also declared her need for a visit. I spent two days trying to get her to understand that it was okay if she had mixed feelings or even was mad. all NORMAL feelings. She insisted that I was incorrect and she only had love for them.

In therapy, her therapist and I discussed that she needed a far more stable relationship with us to be able to have physical contact with her mother and phone contact should be minimal at most. All things I agree with. Rosie was given clear expectations for how this would happen. Which included an end to physically acting out against us and an in general more respectful relationship with us.

In my mind, knowing her as well as I do, she would straighten up because she is very good at doing what she has to do to get what she really, really wants. But she has done quite the opposite. Her physical aggression has increased and she is more disrepectful than she has been in forever. Obviously, she is in no way ready for a visit. But I wonder if knowing that this prevents the visit, she knows that we will stop the visit and she won't have to confront her past with her birthmother. I wonder if on some level she knows that we are the safe place for her and that we are her refuge during the storm. Which means we are a little farther along than I ever imagined we would get...

Any thoughts?


marythemom said...

All of the above?! We had a visit with our RAD kids' biomom in January and it was the first time my son(15) had seen biomom in over 2 years. Our daughter (13) had had no contact at all in over 4 years. Biomom kept their two younger siblings when she put them into foster care, and had another baby only 4 months before the visit.

Our daughter was just out of psychiatric hospitalization, and starting a new school the next day. We sprung it on her rather than giving her weeks and weeks to agonize over it.

She'd had two years of attachment therapy, and doesn't really want to go back to birthmom, but she does want to go back to her Nebraska foster mom, and she wants her younger siblings to come live with her.

No matter how you look at it it's tough. Even though she didn't want to Biomom was willing to treat the visit as closure rather than the beginning of a relationship. That probably helped.

You will be in my prayers no matter what you decide.

Mary in TX

Mom to biokids Ponito(10) and his sister Bob(12)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(14) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear(15) on 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.

" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Patti said...

I think it's harder when bio parents are in the picture. Our daughter was still seeing bio sister and we had to stop contact for now. Her sister lived with us for a little while so I love her and really want to see her so we will have contact again when our daughter heals.

No matter what these kids have been through they would choose their bio parents over us. That's unconditional love. When we get them they are afraid to really give up and love us. They are afraid we will hurt them.

Our daughter is in a rtc right now, but we also have 2 more rad kids. Not an easy road. I just wish I knew then what I know now and we would be a lot farther on our journey to healing. We are these kids safety zone. That's why they throw fits with us when they won't around others. So it is possible for her to try to sabotage the visit.