I am Thankful.....

As cathartic as it was for me to lay out my feelings....I don't want to forget all of the wonderful people and things in my life....Because no matter how depressed I feel, I am truly a blessed person with many WONDERFUL things in my life.

I needed to release the shame and guilt of my depression and it was so very soothing to my soul. I am so glad I did it no matter how hard the journey to write that was....A large majority of my burden has been released. I feel as though, I can live now that I am not saddling myself with my feelings of shame and guilt.

So here are the things I am most thankful for: (in no particular order, just as they come to my brain)

1. My wonderful, kind,patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving, completely fantastic husband, Matt! As I struggle, he carries much of the burden of everything else. Thank you!

2. My beautiful daughters...They have great struggles but they continually work at improving those parts of themselves that they don't like. They move at their own pace but they are always working to move forward. They teach me much about perserverance and being a survivor. Thank you!

3. My parents. They love my children and roll with the punches. It is not easy to watch trauma work itself out so I appreciate the support and love we receive from them.

4. My in-laws. They are willing to help in anyway they can, including, visiting Marie at almost every placement she has been at. They are committed to loving our kids.

5. My Sister. She is the "fun" Aunt and always makes my girls laugh. She is always fun to be around and encourages me to let loose, which is something I need more of.

6. My husband's Aunts. They ALWAYS want to help and support us. Their hugs are very powerful sources of love and support.

7. My friend, Christina. She is my movie buddy, dinner date, and frequent giver of hugs. I don't have many close friendships because I am so guarded. Thank you for being patient and being a great friend!

8. My family that is too large to name person by person. I love you all! We appreciate and love everyone's kindness and love. Family is always a gift to be cherished. Brother in laws, Sister in laws, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, grandparents. You all have a special place in my heart.

9. My nephew, B. When you scream "Auntie" it makes my heart melt in away that only my daughter's can do. I love your hugs and giggles and I love doing silly things that make you laugh, giggle and scream Auntie!

10.My Facebook Friends and Family. I have learned so much from you and truly appreciate your on going support! You mean so much to me!

My list is not all inclusive and there are many others I want to thank personally and I don't have time to make this the longest blog ever....So I hope you know how much you are loved by me! If I know you, I love you! Thank you for being part of my world and my life!

Me, Me, Me

The last 18 months or so have been ridiculously turbulent. Both girls have had multiple out of home placements and the situation has been beyond stressful on many levels. So for my husband and I to stand here with our relationship in tact, it is a miracle. Raising our daughters has isolated us from our families and friends. I am especially sensitive to the feelings of isolation which lead me to struggles with depression. I often teeter on the edge of a deep depression that I am thankful I have not actually fallen off that edge. I have always had anxiety but as I struggle with the depression, the anxiety seems to worsen.

I know that the isolation that I am experiencing is mostly my own doing. I know that I have hidden myself in the protection of my room and I don't let anyone know how much I am actually struggling. I don't let anyone know the tears that I shed or the pain in my heart or how much this last two years has sucked and none of it is ok with my. That I hate my daughter not living me with me even though I know she needs to be where she is. That it rips me apart to know how sick she really is and that I can't fix it. Because I am her mom and that is my job to fix.

I hate knowing that part of this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have absolutely no control over. People can tell me a hundred million times that if I just change my attitude it will be better and no matter how much I try, I feel as though this is out of my control.

I need reassurance and support but I honestly feel if I were to ask for either, I would look like a drama queen and I don't want to be seen as someone that needs to have my ego stroked. I feel responsible for my daughter's current issues even though I have absolutely nothing to do with that. I feel as though I suck at friendship, family relationships, jobs, everything that I should be good at, I feel as though I have disappointed and destroyed them all.

I also know that none of this is reality. This is what is spiraling in my head while I struggle with depression and anxiety. These are the feelings and the thoughts that have taken root in my head from the extreme stress I have had over the last two years.

I want a hug, I want a friend, I want someone to come help me but I want to show the world that I am strong so no one offers a hug or help because they don't know. I am afraid to let them know I need them. Parenting RAD for eight years has taken its toll on me and I can be prickly but I don't want to be...I want to be the carefree, quick to laugh, friendly, kind, compassionate me that I used to be. But I am not there right now.

I am in therapy and this is not a cry for help. I am not going to hurt myself and I don't feel that I need to be hospitalized. I just felt that I needed to go public with this because it is not something to be ashamed of. I am not the only one with similar struggles and I won't take on the stigma of mental illness. I am an active participant in my own emotional wellness. I love my children and I willing care for them and parent them, I would never in a million years, change that! EVER....

If I can teach anyone anything, it is.....when someone is going through something really crappy and they say they are fine....they aren't...they may not want to tell you the bloody details but they would love a hug or a note in the mail....sometimes they aren't strong enough to ask for help but they still need it. I know we all have junk in our lives but this world is a better place when we take care of each other.

Queen mommy

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPad~

End of The Road

**** Partial Lyrics of the song~End of the Road by Boyz II Men ***

Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before


Holy Moley! As time goes on...I am getting worse and worse at this blog thing. And it makes no sense because it is something that gives me such joy to do. I love my readers, I love the responses I get...I love the whole BLOG community thing. Through blogging I have met some of the most amazing women. Women, I will meet in the "Real World" March 2012!

You may be wondering why I would post lyrics to a very sad love song on my blog about my children. Simply put, I am mourning the loss of my 17 year old daughter. Don't worry, she is alive (thank God) but her chosen life path is leading her far away from us emotionally and physically.

I don't want to use my blog as a forum to embarrass my children or to smack talk about them. I have poured my lifeblood, my soul, my 200% into raising them to be happy, healthy, safe humans with empathy, morals, and kindness oozing from them. So when you read this, I will never say things that are meant to be cruel or uncaring, this is my reality and I am honest. My honesty can be funny and it can be excrutiating. But in the end it is the truth and it should be seen as an outpouring of my love for my children.

My 17 year old has had a very, very BAD year. She has had multiple run ins with the law which forced us to place her outside of our home. While placed outside of the home, she has continued to exibit behaviors that forced us to place her out of the home and she has run away from every placement. She is currently placed in a Group Home. My husband took her to Court on Monday and after that was finished, she took off from him. She has not resurfaced yet.

My husband and I are in pain and very sad because of all of her poor choices. They are not our choices and we don't own them. She alone is accountable for her choices.

I, personally, have such a sense of loss. I mourn the future she is flying towards, I mourn the loss of the future I once had for her and I mourn the fact that her choices have separated her from us. We are emotionally separated as well as physically. I also angry. Angry that she has taken all of my love and spit in my face. I am angry that she is doing such foolish, dangerous choices. BUT most of all I LOVE HER. I love, love, love her no matter what her choices. No matter how far she runs from me, I am still her mother and I am still going to love her.

I just needed to write this and maybe someone would read it and send us a prayer. Send out a prayer for her. She needs supernatural intervention!

Meanwhile, we will start living our lives again. We will learn to live outside of her drama...I will train myself to not worry so much and live in the moment....

All the while, loving and missing her.

Mother of the Day Award...

I get this award today. I am awarding this to myself today. I think My daughter will agree that I deserve this today.

Rosie is 13. She has been doing pretty good for a long stretch of months. No placements or ER visits...We have been doing fantastically. Since February she has been amping up her behaviors (yes this does correspond to her sister's arrest and subsequent placement out of the home- this is not lost on me) and she does whatever she can to miss the bus in hopes of getting a "mental health day". Which is a day for her to sit at home and eat bon bons while she watches TV. Yeah well...I deserve that not her....lol...and I ain't getting it so neither is she.

So this morning, she refused to get dressed and had a RADtastic meltdown...Super dupper fun! So she missed the bus and I had to drive her to school. Because they know the family stuff going on, they tend to be lenient with her about her tardies. Well...This is certainly something she is beginning to abuse...SO when I dropped her off at school, I went into the school to remind them of their 5 tardies equals Saturday detention rule. So now Rosie will have a saturday detention....Sometimes, its just how the cookie crumbles....

If looks could kill, I certainly would have won a parenting award when Rosie looked at me in the office this morning....lol

My Kid went Rogue part two

Two blogs in one day? I deserve a medal or something! I guess it was time to blog again and now I am forced to deal with all of the things that I haven't spoken about in the last year.

I am not sure that I am going to use this post to spill the juicy gossipy details then again I may! I think I am still processing my feelings and that is clearly taking longer than I feel it should. My therapist and I have spent the last couple of weeks processing all of my feelings.

Rosie spent the first six months of 2010 in and out of programs. Her heart and brain were so sick. She couldn't maintain safe behavior more than a week at a time without us bringing her back to another program. Her diagnosis of RAD was always at the front of mind. I knew she was not safe to be in our home BUT I knew I could possibly be doing a lot of damage to her ability to grow a bond with us because she kept being "sent away". My husband and I were very very involved with her care during every single one of her placements. I am know in all of the local programs because one or both of my children have been place in all of them.

Update on Rosie: We have not had to call the Mobile Crisis Unit, go to the ER for a psych evaluation or place her at any facility since she was discharged from her last placement back in June of 2010! She is 13 so I can not say she is perfect! What teen girl is? It is funny the things that we have learned during our time of true bonding. She is funny! I never knew that! She says the funniest things and doesn't even realize it. She is sweet! She is thoughtful! She is helpful! She is truly a joy to parent! She is still mouthy and moody but she is a teenager for goodness sake! All teens are crabby! We have these conversations that blow my mind because a year ago, I would have scoffed at such healing on her part. The three of us have spent so many hours in therapy, shed so many tears, lost so much sleep and we have tasted success! A miracle...A gift!

I think it is during the chaos of the first 3 months of 2010 that Marie started to change. I can't tell you a specific date or event, I am guessing from what has transpired that this is when something changed. She became dark, moody, macabre. By April, I had to have her arrested the first time. The first of many interactions with police, probation and court system. In May she had her first two of the 6 total program placements. At the end of May, she had some sort of psychiatric break and we had another situation that required her to be arrested a second time.

And I am going to take a break tonight. I will continue this tomorrow. As I said, I am still processing much of this last year so I am going to listen to my brain and say goodnight.

Have a good night.....

Queen mommy

My Kid went Rogue, part one

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night and I heard Jillian say "you just went rogue, dude" and I was like...."that is my kid!" She went rogue. She went off the emotionally healthy grid and spiraled into the abyss that has become our life. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except this isn't a drug induced head trip, it is my life!

I spoke with my daughter yesterday on our car ride to her new therapeutic foster home placement and she knows that I am writing this. She said "Mom, it will be good for you to get this all out of your system. Maybe someone else needs to hear it so they don't feel so bad either"

Yes! I did say therapeutic foster home! I am still not sitting well with it but it has happened and I am learning to accept it and speak about it without wincing in pain or crying uncontrollably. I have spent hours obsessing about how we got to the place where she is living and sharing a life with a complete stranger. Intellectually, I know I am a good mother. I have sacrificed as much as one human can for their child. I have accessed every service one can access to help her. The list of service providers that we are affiliated is long and confuses everyone outside of our family that must try to keep track of it. But no matter how good I am as a mother, Marie has mental health issues. AND contrary to what most people think, no amount of good parenting changes Mental Illness.

I thought once they bonded to us, RAD would quit rearing its ugly head. The lies would be done with, the stealing would stop, the multiple other high risk behaviors would never happen because bonding with me would bolster their self esteem enough that they wouldn't need to experiment. The love my husband and I give them would be the balm that covered their healing scars and it would be strong enough to hold the bad stuff back. But that is not how it has played out.

When a child (in my case, a beautiful 17 year old struggling with RAD and a mood disorder) has been through the trauma of abuse and separation from their biological families, those are wounds that take a lifetime to heal. Sometimes they scab over and it takes very little to rip that scab off and have a gaping hole again.

I thought I was ready to pour out everything that has transpired since my last blog entry but I am not. I need to sit awhile longer. I will be able to soon. I just wanted to let my lovely blog family know, I am still here. I miss you all!

Queen Mommy