I have a secret to confess....I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!
9 years ago I read a book (the name escapes me) about a woman in the mid west that adopted two little girls from foster care. These daughters are traumatized children. They end up having very hard lives and the woman grows more bitter the older the girls get. At the time I was horrified by her seemingly detached and harsh feelings towards these children.
Jump ahead 9 years......I should have listened to her!!!!! I wish I remembered this book so that I could recommend it to parents interested in adopting kids from hard places. It was a reality check! I should have listened to this woman's pain....I should have listened to her heart.
Now we have parented kids from hard places for 9 years. 9 unbelievably challenging years, 9 amazing years, 9 adventurous years, 9 absolutely amazing years. I have come to the conclusion that I really don't know anything. As is the case with most parents, we think we begin to figure it out. We get into a routine that works for us and then BAM. An event happens that knocks us on our butts again. At this point I once again realize that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.
My Rosie has had some serious behavioral issues at school. It has thrown me for a loop. She is my most challenging child, which is a lot if you knew how much Marie has challenged us. Rosie has a mind of her own and a steel will. She doesn't conform, she doesn't compromise, she has no respect for authority, and she only sees her point of view. Some of these things could be wonderful attributes, should she use them for good. At this point that seems to be beyond her capability. I believe she is living with some sort of conduct/personality disorder. Her therapist tends to agree with us but her psychiatrist is hesitant to label her. I am giving her some time to get to Rosie. They have only been seeing each other for 3 or 4 months. She has begun to see Rosie's oppositional and risky behaviors.
I have gained a very keen insight into my own emotional response to the behaviors/struggles of my daughters. I have learned through my own extended therapy that:
1. I don't have to have all of the answers and that is good since I DON'T!
2. I am not supposed be perfect. I should embrace my imperfection
3. I will feel hate, anger, despair, futility, rage, etc AND that is OK. Own it, live with it.
4. I can only control my reaction, so I need to be concentrated on me.
5. My happiness and contentedness cannot be based on the behavior of someone else. I control it alone.
6. If I am unhappy with something in my life, I need to work on it.
7. Some people are mean, miserable, hateful, etc because that is all they are capable of at that moment. I need to forgive them, love them and concentrate on being the best person I can be and not how awful they are to me.
8. People all have their own battles. Nobody has a larger battle or a smaller battle. It is all a matter of perception. If the person believes that it is an insurmountable issue, it is an insurmountable issue for them. Be kind and empathetic. (I have trouble with this...see I am imperfect.)
9. Unconditional love means just that. Unconditional, no restrictions. As mothers we will love our children no matter what they do or what they have done. Don't expect a mom to feel anything else. Of course, we feel pain, anger, shame, question our own abilities if our child does something that causes other people harm.
10. Life continues. Life will always throw you curves. Life will always present challenges and bring happiness. Face it with courage, love, and always keep hope for the future.
My posts are a lot like my brain, scattered and are very rarely about what I intended to say. Eh...Go with it!
Happy New Year!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Beginning of Processing.
I have to say that everyone has difficulties in their lives and no one on the outside can truly understand the burden if they haven't lived it. Parenting trauma is not worse than other things, it is just different. Again, I am sharing my experiences and I am not comparing them to the experiences of others.
It all began in December of 2009. I didn't realize what the next three years would bring. I didn't realize the pain, fear, and the near complete emotional collapse that was about to happen.
All I felt was relief. Complete and utter relief. Rosie had been struggling since she moved into our home in 2006. We felt that we were at the end of our rope. The verbal assaults, the physical abuse and the complete exhaustion had started to catch up to me. Parenting a child with RAD and PTSD is tough. We tried hard core tough love, we tried nurturing tender consequences. NOTHING helped. She still had meltdowns that included cruel and manipulative words, physical assaults, and behavior that often sent me off of the edge. I cried often and was reactive to any advice anyone gave me. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear the good about my daughter because I was so emotionally damaged from parenting her illness that I could not see past her illness. In December 2009 Rosie was admitted to a psychiatric treatment facility. This was 5 days before Christmas.
I was gripped by the sadness of not having her there to open presents with us. I was devastated by sending her away so close to a major holiday. I wasn't able to realize that it was best for her. I needed the time to regroup and get a better plan of treatment for her. Our family was starting to spiral from the effects of RAD and Trauma. We were parenting two trauma kids and one needed help that we couldn't give her.
I was relieved the moment we left her at her placement. I felt such a sense of safety and peace. This probably isn't the "PC" answer for what you feel when your child is placed outside of your home but it is the honest answer. I could relax. It was the first night in over two years that I had a full night sleep. I was able to put my pjs on early in the evening and didn't have to have everything planned out in case she quickly spiraled. I was always in reaction mode so to be able to relax was heaven. She called me every night. I would see the phone number to the place and I immediately stiffened up. Our conversations were forced and she often spoke to me aggressively about what I had done to cause this. I would hang up in tears and I was becoming more bitter with every interaction.
People tried to be empathetic and they tried to support me. I was so broken and angry that I couldn't allow them to support me the way I needed them to. I had developed walls of protection. When you parent children with RAD you have to develop a hard shell, become detached. I was a quick learner. My psychiatrist believes I have developed PTSD from parenting trauma. Children with RAD and trauma have brains that are not wired like ours. They had to spend their young lives protecting themselves and surviving because the adults in their lives didn't or couldn't take care of them. They don't easily trust and therefore feel as though they must always be in control. It is exhausting. I can't even explain why these kids do the awful, horrible, disgusting, heart breaking things that they do. All I know is...it is painful to parent and it is even more painful to watch as the child you love battles this.
My family and friends wanted to support me. They wanted to be there for me. I am sure they wanted to love on me and show me they had my back. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't handle anymore pain and I didn't want them to see what a huge failure I felt that I was. They didn't know how to support me because what was happening seemed like it was a Lifetime Movie. I was too hurt, damaged, traumatized, angry, and too proud to show them how to help me. (Side note: if someone offers to help LET THEM. Show them what you need and how they can support you. They want to help they have no idea how to do it. Teach them. Let them love you!)
My sweet Rosie went on to SIX more placements. She would be gone for 3 weeks and come home for a week. Then she was gone again. No one would listen, no one thought it was as bad as it was....I went to endless meetings...it was difficult to maintain my job during this time, I am blessed that they stuck with me. We had to get the state back involved to get the necessary placement and services to stabilize her. During this period of time we met the woman that would change our lives forever. Elle was a family stabilization therapist that came into our home. She was introduced to us by another therapist because of her very in depth knowledge of RAD and Trauma treatment.
Elle came in and my burden became lighter. She saw Rosie the day she came home from her last placement. She came to our home for therapy as many times as we needed. I had her cell phone and she was always there to support us as well as Rosie. She connected with Rosie where she was. She was warm and nurturing. She validated my feelings and supported us. Her ability to connect with Rosie was the turning point. She was with us in the thick of some tough stuff in our family. She was there to support us as a family and as we parented Rosie. I began to see the good again. I was able to see my daughter as the beautiful, sweet girl that she is. It hasn't been easy....she still struggles and we still have to deal with trauma stuff. BUT she hasn't been hospitalized or required Mobile Crisis services since her last placement discharge in June of 2010.
This post so went on its own journey. Allow yourself to have whatever feelings that come up. It is ok to be angry, hurt, sad, scared or unsupported. They are your feelings and you need to be able to sit with them and own them. Allow others to help you, support you and love on you. They want to be there for you, let them in. Be kind to yourself. Don't brow beat yourself. You are an awesome mom and/or dad! Own that! Your child's behavior and RAD diagnosis has nothing to do with your parenting ability. It is their behavior to own and be responsible for. Allow yourself to be free of the guilt that you carry. You are worth taking care of.
Be Well!
It all began in December of 2009. I didn't realize what the next three years would bring. I didn't realize the pain, fear, and the near complete emotional collapse that was about to happen.
All I felt was relief. Complete and utter relief. Rosie had been struggling since she moved into our home in 2006. We felt that we were at the end of our rope. The verbal assaults, the physical abuse and the complete exhaustion had started to catch up to me. Parenting a child with RAD and PTSD is tough. We tried hard core tough love, we tried nurturing tender consequences. NOTHING helped. She still had meltdowns that included cruel and manipulative words, physical assaults, and behavior that often sent me off of the edge. I cried often and was reactive to any advice anyone gave me. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear the good about my daughter because I was so emotionally damaged from parenting her illness that I could not see past her illness. In December 2009 Rosie was admitted to a psychiatric treatment facility. This was 5 days before Christmas.
I was gripped by the sadness of not having her there to open presents with us. I was devastated by sending her away so close to a major holiday. I wasn't able to realize that it was best for her. I needed the time to regroup and get a better plan of treatment for her. Our family was starting to spiral from the effects of RAD and Trauma. We were parenting two trauma kids and one needed help that we couldn't give her.
I was relieved the moment we left her at her placement. I felt such a sense of safety and peace. This probably isn't the "PC" answer for what you feel when your child is placed outside of your home but it is the honest answer. I could relax. It was the first night in over two years that I had a full night sleep. I was able to put my pjs on early in the evening and didn't have to have everything planned out in case she quickly spiraled. I was always in reaction mode so to be able to relax was heaven. She called me every night. I would see the phone number to the place and I immediately stiffened up. Our conversations were forced and she often spoke to me aggressively about what I had done to cause this. I would hang up in tears and I was becoming more bitter with every interaction.
People tried to be empathetic and they tried to support me. I was so broken and angry that I couldn't allow them to support me the way I needed them to. I had developed walls of protection. When you parent children with RAD you have to develop a hard shell, become detached. I was a quick learner. My psychiatrist believes I have developed PTSD from parenting trauma. Children with RAD and trauma have brains that are not wired like ours. They had to spend their young lives protecting themselves and surviving because the adults in their lives didn't or couldn't take care of them. They don't easily trust and therefore feel as though they must always be in control. It is exhausting. I can't even explain why these kids do the awful, horrible, disgusting, heart breaking things that they do. All I know is...it is painful to parent and it is even more painful to watch as the child you love battles this.
My family and friends wanted to support me. They wanted to be there for me. I am sure they wanted to love on me and show me they had my back. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't handle anymore pain and I didn't want them to see what a huge failure I felt that I was. They didn't know how to support me because what was happening seemed like it was a Lifetime Movie. I was too hurt, damaged, traumatized, angry, and too proud to show them how to help me. (Side note: if someone offers to help LET THEM. Show them what you need and how they can support you. They want to help they have no idea how to do it. Teach them. Let them love you!)
My sweet Rosie went on to SIX more placements. She would be gone for 3 weeks and come home for a week. Then she was gone again. No one would listen, no one thought it was as bad as it was....I went to endless meetings...it was difficult to maintain my job during this time, I am blessed that they stuck with me. We had to get the state back involved to get the necessary placement and services to stabilize her. During this period of time we met the woman that would change our lives forever. Elle was a family stabilization therapist that came into our home. She was introduced to us by another therapist because of her very in depth knowledge of RAD and Trauma treatment.
Elle came in and my burden became lighter. She saw Rosie the day she came home from her last placement. She came to our home for therapy as many times as we needed. I had her cell phone and she was always there to support us as well as Rosie. She connected with Rosie where she was. She was warm and nurturing. She validated my feelings and supported us. Her ability to connect with Rosie was the turning point. She was with us in the thick of some tough stuff in our family. She was there to support us as a family and as we parented Rosie. I began to see the good again. I was able to see my daughter as the beautiful, sweet girl that she is. It hasn't been easy....she still struggles and we still have to deal with trauma stuff. BUT she hasn't been hospitalized or required Mobile Crisis services since her last placement discharge in June of 2010.
This post so went on its own journey. Allow yourself to have whatever feelings that come up. It is ok to be angry, hurt, sad, scared or unsupported. They are your feelings and you need to be able to sit with them and own them. Allow others to help you, support you and love on you. They want to be there for you, let them in. Be kind to yourself. Don't brow beat yourself. You are an awesome mom and/or dad! Own that! Your child's behavior and RAD diagnosis has nothing to do with your parenting ability. It is their behavior to own and be responsible for. Allow yourself to be free of the guilt that you carry. You are worth taking care of.
Be Well!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
I wish I had a TARDIS
I lied. I am like most aging rock stars....I say my goodbyes and then re-emerge. Yahoo!!! (say it with me)
I have always prided myself on being honest. I believe that I must own my truth. The good and the bad. The pretty flowers in my journey and the rotten planst that I also pass. I think there is something vulnerable and magnificent about truth. Truth stands on its own. It doesn't need me to change it or make it more palatable. It is imperfectly beautiful on its own.
I have always tried to respect the wishes of my daughters. After all, this is my truth as well as theirs. They live my experiences with me. We are a beautiful, messy, hurting, healing, happy, angry, fluid family. We are good times and bad times. But most of all, we are a family that is still together. I stopped writing for all of these months at the request of my oldest daughter, who was struggling. I have started blogging again at the request of my oldest daughter, who is healing.
I suppose I should get to my post name and stop emoting about....well, what was the point of all of that?
In January, I saw the Sherlock Holmes movie.....I had never read any of the books so I had no idea how delicious he was. This started me on a journey of fabulous british television. Resulting most recently with my obsession with Dr. Who. Not all Dr. Whos but The 11th Doctor specifically. He is wonderful! I love everything about this character. I think I have a fictional character crush even.
In the show he has a TARDIS (time travel machine) and he travels throughout all of time and space. In the show he tells his companions there are fixed events in time and history that cannot be changed and then there are events that can be changed. Parts of history that can be changed.
I am part of a support group. It is a wonderfully beautiful group of people that I have come to value very much. Our leader/moderator (the actual word escapes me) posed a question. If we could go back and change anything about our adoption journey what would it be.
So, of course, me having the rich imagination that I have....I think of my beloved 11th Doctor. If the good Doctor could take me into the TARDIS what fluid part of history would I be taken to so I could alter it. Then I thought about which parts would be fixed times, things I couldn't change. This is where I overthink things. (it is a hazard of anxiety and my tendency toward perseverating)
I wonder exactly which points in my journey are fixed and which could be altered. I think about the tough times, the REALLY tough times, the laughter, the tears, the stress on my marriage, the cost of relationships with other people, the great emotional and financial expense and I am surprised that there only a few things I would have changed.
The only BIG thing I would change is the effort my husband and I put into our marriage. We have a great marriage! I love him very much but there are still bruises and bumps from this crazy journey. We should have saved more of ourselves for each other and stepped back during the hard times to cling to each other. More time for romance and intimacy. We are best friends. Have been since the minute we met each other. We spend much of our free time together. We know how to make each other smile, we sense when the other is hurting. We fit together magnificently. But the stress and hard times sucks the life out of us and romance can go out the window! We have worked hard to reclaim our intimacy and romance in our marriage. I just feel as though there were years lost because I didn't find value in these things sooner. We were together, knew we would be forever, so I took for granted these things. NOT anymore!
I would have started therapy during the adoption process. I should have had someone to process things as they happened not in the aftermath of parenting trauma. I would have asked for help so I didn't become withdrawn and bitter. Perhaps, I wouldn't have lost as many relationships in my life. Many people that live outside of parenting trauma, only see the bad stuff as who the child is. They see the hurt and pain the trauma causes you and they aren't able to separate the child from the trauma. How can I expect others to do this when I, myself, struggle with this sometimes. I should have been more patient, accepted the help offered and I shouldn't have tried to control how they helped. People tried to support us but didn't know how to. I was so focused on feeling as though I was drowning and suffocating under the pressure that I was angry and bitter. I didn't have the energy to guide them to help me the way I needed. I know they would have done it, if they knew how to. Especially if I had helped them. I continue to have great hope that I can repair these relationships because I am aware of how wonderful the relationships can still be!
I would have told the me of 9 years ago not to be consumed by the trauma. YES, I know this is a seemingly impossible thing but it can be done. The trauma isn't WHO my daughters are and it isn't WHO I am. I lost myself in helping my daughters. The appointments, the therapies, the meetings, the collaterals, the ER visits, the energy, the hours of energy, it became all consuming. I should have joined a support group sooner, I should have gone out to dinner with my sister more, I should have developed friendships that didn't center around trauma, I should have read more, taken more walks, done more things that made me happy. My daughters are survivors and they would have still been ok. Actually, they should have seen me take care of myself more often. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself. I am so much happier and healthier now that I take care of myself. AND you know what? My girls see the difference in me taking care of myself.
I would have gotten involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) sooner! They have many great references for those living with mental illness and for the caregivers. I encourage you to check them out! They are a wonderful organization and can be a wonderful lifeline. www.nami.org
I am sure you notice what I didn't want to change....I wouldn't change my daughters or our journey together. They are beautiful young women.Our life together has been perfect. This journey has SUUUUUUUUCKED sometimes. It has been very, very hard. I have cried many tears, I have lost so much sleep, I have suffered losses myself, I have gone broke to help them and I don't regret any of it. Man, it was painful and I was very ANGRY for a long time but I am happy we stuck it out. There will continue to be struggles and pain, what would life be without them? The hard times have taught me about my own resiliency, my own strength, my voice, my own awesomeness. I always wanted a purpose, I wanted a way to change the world around me. Parenting them has given me the voice I needed to change the world around me. I have also met some of the most amazing people and now call them my friends because of this journey.
The thing is.......we can always change now! Everyday is a new opportunity for new beginnings. I don't have to go back to fix things. I have a new chance to change things every day. I don't need to change the past because I can change the future.
Sorry Doctor but I won't be needing the TARDIS after all.
I have always prided myself on being honest. I believe that I must own my truth. The good and the bad. The pretty flowers in my journey and the rotten planst that I also pass. I think there is something vulnerable and magnificent about truth. Truth stands on its own. It doesn't need me to change it or make it more palatable. It is imperfectly beautiful on its own.
I have always tried to respect the wishes of my daughters. After all, this is my truth as well as theirs. They live my experiences with me. We are a beautiful, messy, hurting, healing, happy, angry, fluid family. We are good times and bad times. But most of all, we are a family that is still together. I stopped writing for all of these months at the request of my oldest daughter, who was struggling. I have started blogging again at the request of my oldest daughter, who is healing.
I suppose I should get to my post name and stop emoting about....well, what was the point of all of that?
In January, I saw the Sherlock Holmes movie.....I had never read any of the books so I had no idea how delicious he was. This started me on a journey of fabulous british television. Resulting most recently with my obsession with Dr. Who. Not all Dr. Whos but The 11th Doctor specifically. He is wonderful! I love everything about this character. I think I have a fictional character crush even.
In the show he has a TARDIS (time travel machine) and he travels throughout all of time and space. In the show he tells his companions there are fixed events in time and history that cannot be changed and then there are events that can be changed. Parts of history that can be changed.
I am part of a support group. It is a wonderfully beautiful group of people that I have come to value very much. Our leader/moderator (the actual word escapes me) posed a question. If we could go back and change anything about our adoption journey what would it be.
So, of course, me having the rich imagination that I have....I think of my beloved 11th Doctor. If the good Doctor could take me into the TARDIS what fluid part of history would I be taken to so I could alter it. Then I thought about which parts would be fixed times, things I couldn't change. This is where I overthink things. (it is a hazard of anxiety and my tendency toward perseverating)
I wonder exactly which points in my journey are fixed and which could be altered. I think about the tough times, the REALLY tough times, the laughter, the tears, the stress on my marriage, the cost of relationships with other people, the great emotional and financial expense and I am surprised that there only a few things I would have changed.
The only BIG thing I would change is the effort my husband and I put into our marriage. We have a great marriage! I love him very much but there are still bruises and bumps from this crazy journey. We should have saved more of ourselves for each other and stepped back during the hard times to cling to each other. More time for romance and intimacy. We are best friends. Have been since the minute we met each other. We spend much of our free time together. We know how to make each other smile, we sense when the other is hurting. We fit together magnificently. But the stress and hard times sucks the life out of us and romance can go out the window! We have worked hard to reclaim our intimacy and romance in our marriage. I just feel as though there were years lost because I didn't find value in these things sooner. We were together, knew we would be forever, so I took for granted these things. NOT anymore!
I would have started therapy during the adoption process. I should have had someone to process things as they happened not in the aftermath of parenting trauma. I would have asked for help so I didn't become withdrawn and bitter. Perhaps, I wouldn't have lost as many relationships in my life. Many people that live outside of parenting trauma, only see the bad stuff as who the child is. They see the hurt and pain the trauma causes you and they aren't able to separate the child from the trauma. How can I expect others to do this when I, myself, struggle with this sometimes. I should have been more patient, accepted the help offered and I shouldn't have tried to control how they helped. People tried to support us but didn't know how to. I was so focused on feeling as though I was drowning and suffocating under the pressure that I was angry and bitter. I didn't have the energy to guide them to help me the way I needed. I know they would have done it, if they knew how to. Especially if I had helped them. I continue to have great hope that I can repair these relationships because I am aware of how wonderful the relationships can still be!
I would have told the me of 9 years ago not to be consumed by the trauma. YES, I know this is a seemingly impossible thing but it can be done. The trauma isn't WHO my daughters are and it isn't WHO I am. I lost myself in helping my daughters. The appointments, the therapies, the meetings, the collaterals, the ER visits, the energy, the hours of energy, it became all consuming. I should have joined a support group sooner, I should have gone out to dinner with my sister more, I should have developed friendships that didn't center around trauma, I should have read more, taken more walks, done more things that made me happy. My daughters are survivors and they would have still been ok. Actually, they should have seen me take care of myself more often. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself. I am so much happier and healthier now that I take care of myself. AND you know what? My girls see the difference in me taking care of myself.
I would have gotten involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) sooner! They have many great references for those living with mental illness and for the caregivers. I encourage you to check them out! They are a wonderful organization and can be a wonderful lifeline. www.nami.org
I am sure you notice what I didn't want to change....I wouldn't change my daughters or our journey together. They are beautiful young women.
The thing is.......we can always change now! Everyday is a new opportunity for new beginnings. I don't have to go back to fix things. I have a new chance to change things every day. I don't need to change the past because I can change the future.
Sorry Doctor but I won't be needing the TARDIS after all.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Goodbye
As of today, I am closing this blog....Thank you for those that have read my words...You have helped me more than you will ever know.....
Queen Mommy
Queen Mommy
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I am Thankful.....
As cathartic as it was for me to lay out my feelings....I don't want to forget all of the wonderful people and things in my life....Because no matter how depressed I feel, I am truly a blessed person with many WONDERFUL things in my life.
I needed to release the shame and guilt of my depression and it was so very soothing to my soul. I am so glad I did it no matter how hard the journey to write that was....A large majority of my burden has been released. I feel as though, I can live now that I am not saddling myself with my feelings of shame and guilt.
So here are the things I am most thankful for: (in no particular order, just as they come to my brain)
1. My wonderful, kind,patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving, completely fantastic husband, Matt! As I struggle, he carries much of the burden of everything else. Thank you!
2. My beautiful daughters...They have great struggles but they continually work at improving those parts of themselves that they don't like. They move at their own pace but they are always working to move forward. They teach me much about perserverance and being a survivor. Thank you!
3. My parents. They love my children and roll with the punches. It is not easy to watch trauma work itself out so I appreciate the support and love we receive from them.
4. My in-laws. They are willing to help in anyway they can, including, visiting Marie at almost every placement she has been at. They are committed to loving our kids.
5. My Sister. She is the "fun" Aunt and always makes my girls laugh. She is always fun to be around and encourages me to let loose, which is something I need more of.
6. My husband's Aunts. They ALWAYS want to help and support us. Their hugs are very powerful sources of love and support.
7. My friend, Christina. She is my movie buddy, dinner date, and frequent giver of hugs. I don't have many close friendships because I am so guarded. Thank you for being patient and being a great friend!
8. My family that is too large to name person by person. I love you all! We appreciate and love everyone's kindness and love. Family is always a gift to be cherished. Brother in laws, Sister in laws, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, grandparents. You all have a special place in my heart.
9. My nephew, B. When you scream "Auntie" it makes my heart melt in away that only my daughter's can do. I love your hugs and giggles and I love doing silly things that make you laugh, giggle and scream Auntie!
10.My Facebook Friends and Family. I have learned so much from you and truly appreciate your on going support! You mean so much to me!
My list is not all inclusive and there are many others I want to thank personally and I don't have time to make this the longest blog ever....So I hope you know how much you are loved by me! If I know you, I love you! Thank you for being part of my world and my life!
I needed to release the shame and guilt of my depression and it was so very soothing to my soul. I am so glad I did it no matter how hard the journey to write that was....A large majority of my burden has been released. I feel as though, I can live now that I am not saddling myself with my feelings of shame and guilt.
So here are the things I am most thankful for: (in no particular order, just as they come to my brain)
1. My wonderful, kind,patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving, completely fantastic husband, Matt! As I struggle, he carries much of the burden of everything else. Thank you!
2. My beautiful daughters...They have great struggles but they continually work at improving those parts of themselves that they don't like. They move at their own pace but they are always working to move forward. They teach me much about perserverance and being a survivor. Thank you!
3. My parents. They love my children and roll with the punches. It is not easy to watch trauma work itself out so I appreciate the support and love we receive from them.
4. My in-laws. They are willing to help in anyway they can, including, visiting Marie at almost every placement she has been at. They are committed to loving our kids.
5. My Sister. She is the "fun" Aunt and always makes my girls laugh. She is always fun to be around and encourages me to let loose, which is something I need more of.
6. My husband's Aunts. They ALWAYS want to help and support us. Their hugs are very powerful sources of love and support.
7. My friend, Christina. She is my movie buddy, dinner date, and frequent giver of hugs. I don't have many close friendships because I am so guarded. Thank you for being patient and being a great friend!
8. My family that is too large to name person by person. I love you all! We appreciate and love everyone's kindness and love. Family is always a gift to be cherished. Brother in laws, Sister in laws, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, grandparents. You all have a special place in my heart.
9. My nephew, B. When you scream "Auntie" it makes my heart melt in away that only my daughter's can do. I love your hugs and giggles and I love doing silly things that make you laugh, giggle and scream Auntie!
10.My Facebook Friends and Family. I have learned so much from you and truly appreciate your on going support! You mean so much to me!
My list is not all inclusive and there are many others I want to thank personally and I don't have time to make this the longest blog ever....So I hope you know how much you are loved by me! If I know you, I love you! Thank you for being part of my world and my life!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Me, Me, Me
The last 18 months or so have been ridiculously turbulent. Both girls have had multiple out of home placements and the situation has been beyond stressful on many levels. So for my husband and I to stand here with our relationship in tact, it is a miracle. Raising our daughters has isolated us from our families and friends. I am especially sensitive to the feelings of isolation which lead me to struggles with depression. I often teeter on the edge of a deep depression that I am thankful I have not actually fallen off that edge. I have always had anxiety but as I struggle with the depression, the anxiety seems to worsen.
I know that the isolation that I am experiencing is mostly my own doing. I know that I have hidden myself in the protection of my room and I don't let anyone know how much I am actually struggling. I don't let anyone know the tears that I shed or the pain in my heart or how much this last two years has sucked and none of it is ok with my. That I hate my daughter not living me with me even though I know she needs to be where she is. That it rips me apart to know how sick she really is and that I can't fix it. Because I am her mom and that is my job to fix.
I hate knowing that part of this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have absolutely no control over. People can tell me a hundred million times that if I just change my attitude it will be better and no matter how much I try, I feel as though this is out of my control.
I need reassurance and support but I honestly feel if I were to ask for either, I would look like a drama queen and I don't want to be seen as someone that needs to have my ego stroked. I feel responsible for my daughter's current issues even though I have absolutely nothing to do with that. I feel as though I suck at friendship, family relationships, jobs, everything that I should be good at, I feel as though I have disappointed and destroyed them all.
I also know that none of this is reality. This is what is spiraling in my head while I struggle with depression and anxiety. These are the feelings and the thoughts that have taken root in my head from the extreme stress I have had over the last two years.
I want a hug, I want a friend, I want someone to come help me but I want to show the world that I am strong so no one offers a hug or help because they don't know. I am afraid to let them know I need them. Parenting RAD for eight years has taken its toll on me and I can be prickly but I don't want to be...I want to be the carefree, quick to laugh, friendly, kind, compassionate me that I used to be. But I am not there right now.
I am in therapy and this is not a cry for help. I am not going to hurt myself and I don't feel that I need to be hospitalized. I just felt that I needed to go public with this because it is not something to be ashamed of. I am not the only one with similar struggles and I won't take on the stigma of mental illness. I am an active participant in my own emotional wellness. I love my children and I willing care for them and parent them, I would never in a million years, change that! EVER....
If I can teach anyone anything, it is.....when someone is going through something really crappy and they say they are fine....they aren't...they may not want to tell you the bloody details but they would love a hug or a note in the mail....sometimes they aren't strong enough to ask for help but they still need it. I know we all have junk in our lives but this world is a better place when we take care of each other.
Queen mommy
~Posted using BlogPress from my iPad~
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
End of The Road
**** Partial Lyrics of the song~End of the Road by Boyz II Men ***
Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before
Holy Moley! As time goes on...I am getting worse and worse at this blog thing. And it makes no sense because it is something that gives me such joy to do. I love my readers, I love the responses I get...I love the whole BLOG community thing. Through blogging I have met some of the most amazing women. Women, I will meet in the "Real World" March 2012!
You may be wondering why I would post lyrics to a very sad love song on my blog about my children. Simply put, I am mourning the loss of my 17 year old daughter. Don't worry, she is alive (thank God) but her chosen life path is leading her far away from us emotionally and physically.
I don't want to use my blog as a forum to embarrass my children or to smack talk about them. I have poured my lifeblood, my soul, my 200% into raising them to be happy, healthy, safe humans with empathy, morals, and kindness oozing from them. So when you read this, I will never say things that are meant to be cruel or uncaring, this is my reality and I am honest. My honesty can be funny and it can be excrutiating. But in the end it is the truth and it should be seen as an outpouring of my love for my children.
My 17 year old has had a very, very BAD year. She has had multiple run ins with the law which forced us to place her outside of our home. While placed outside of the home, she has continued to exibit behaviors that forced us to place her out of the home and she has run away from every placement. She is currently placed in a Group Home. My husband took her to Court on Monday and after that was finished, she took off from him. She has not resurfaced yet.
My husband and I are in pain and very sad because of all of her poor choices. They are not our choices and we don't own them. She alone is accountable for her choices.
I, personally, have such a sense of loss. I mourn the future she is flying towards, I mourn the loss of the future I once had for her and I mourn the fact that her choices have separated her from us. We are emotionally separated as well as physically. I also angry. Angry that she has taken all of my love and spit in my face. I am angry that she is doing such foolish, dangerous choices. BUT most of all I LOVE HER. I love, love, love her no matter what her choices. No matter how far she runs from me, I am still her mother and I am still going to love her.
I just needed to write this and maybe someone would read it and send us a prayer. Send out a prayer for her. She needs supernatural intervention!
Meanwhile, we will start living our lives again. We will learn to live outside of her drama...I will train myself to not worry so much and live in the moment....
All the while, loving and missing her.
Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Girl, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before
Holy Moley! As time goes on...I am getting worse and worse at this blog thing. And it makes no sense because it is something that gives me such joy to do. I love my readers, I love the responses I get...I love the whole BLOG community thing. Through blogging I have met some of the most amazing women. Women, I will meet in the "Real World" March 2012!
You may be wondering why I would post lyrics to a very sad love song on my blog about my children. Simply put, I am mourning the loss of my 17 year old daughter. Don't worry, she is alive (thank God) but her chosen life path is leading her far away from us emotionally and physically.
I don't want to use my blog as a forum to embarrass my children or to smack talk about them. I have poured my lifeblood, my soul, my 200% into raising them to be happy, healthy, safe humans with empathy, morals, and kindness oozing from them. So when you read this, I will never say things that are meant to be cruel or uncaring, this is my reality and I am honest. My honesty can be funny and it can be excrutiating. But in the end it is the truth and it should be seen as an outpouring of my love for my children.
My 17 year old has had a very, very BAD year. She has had multiple run ins with the law which forced us to place her outside of our home. While placed outside of the home, she has continued to exibit behaviors that forced us to place her out of the home and she has run away from every placement. She is currently placed in a Group Home. My husband took her to Court on Monday and after that was finished, she took off from him. She has not resurfaced yet.
My husband and I are in pain and very sad because of all of her poor choices. They are not our choices and we don't own them. She alone is accountable for her choices.
I, personally, have such a sense of loss. I mourn the future she is flying towards, I mourn the loss of the future I once had for her and I mourn the fact that her choices have separated her from us. We are emotionally separated as well as physically. I also angry. Angry that she has taken all of my love and spit in my face. I am angry that she is doing such foolish, dangerous choices. BUT most of all I LOVE HER. I love, love, love her no matter what her choices. No matter how far she runs from me, I am still her mother and I am still going to love her.
I just needed to write this and maybe someone would read it and send us a prayer. Send out a prayer for her. She needs supernatural intervention!
Meanwhile, we will start living our lives again. We will learn to live outside of her drama...I will train myself to not worry so much and live in the moment....
All the while, loving and missing her.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Mother of the Day Award...
I get this award today. I am awarding this to myself today. I think My daughter will agree that I deserve this today.
Rosie is 13. She has been doing pretty good for a long stretch of months. No placements or ER visits...We have been doing fantastically. Since February she has been amping up her behaviors (yes this does correspond to her sister's arrest and subsequent placement out of the home- this is not lost on me) and she does whatever she can to miss the bus in hopes of getting a "mental health day". Which is a day for her to sit at home and eat bon bons while she watches TV. Yeah well...I deserve that not her....lol...and I ain't getting it so neither is she.
So this morning, she refused to get dressed and had a RADtastic meltdown...Super dupper fun! So she missed the bus and I had to drive her to school. Because they know the family stuff going on, they tend to be lenient with her about her tardies. Well...This is certainly something she is beginning to abuse...SO when I dropped her off at school, I went into the school to remind them of their 5 tardies equals Saturday detention rule. So now Rosie will have a saturday detention....Sometimes, its just how the cookie crumbles....
If looks could kill, I certainly would have won a parenting award when Rosie looked at me in the office this morning....lol
Rosie is 13. She has been doing pretty good for a long stretch of months. No placements or ER visits...We have been doing fantastically. Since February she has been amping up her behaviors (yes this does correspond to her sister's arrest and subsequent placement out of the home- this is not lost on me) and she does whatever she can to miss the bus in hopes of getting a "mental health day". Which is a day for her to sit at home and eat bon bons while she watches TV. Yeah well...I deserve that not her....lol...and I ain't getting it so neither is she.
So this morning, she refused to get dressed and had a RADtastic meltdown...Super dupper fun! So she missed the bus and I had to drive her to school. Because they know the family stuff going on, they tend to be lenient with her about her tardies. Well...This is certainly something she is beginning to abuse...SO when I dropped her off at school, I went into the school to remind them of their 5 tardies equals Saturday detention rule. So now Rosie will have a saturday detention....Sometimes, its just how the cookie crumbles....
If looks could kill, I certainly would have won a parenting award when Rosie looked at me in the office this morning....lol
Friday, April 1, 2011
My Kid went Rogue part two
Two blogs in one day? I deserve a medal or something! I guess it was time to blog again and now I am forced to deal with all of the things that I haven't spoken about in the last year.
I am not sure that I am going to use this post to spill the juicy gossipy details then again I may! I think I am still processing my feelings and that is clearly taking longer than I feel it should. My therapist and I have spent the last couple of weeks processing all of my feelings.
Rosie spent the first six months of 2010 in and out of programs. Her heart and brain were so sick. She couldn't maintain safe behavior more than a week at a time without us bringing her back to another program. Her diagnosis of RAD was always at the front of mind. I knew she was not safe to be in our home BUT I knew I could possibly be doing a lot of damage to her ability to grow a bond with us because she kept being "sent away". My husband and I were very very involved with her care during every single one of her placements. I am know in all of the local programs because one or both of my children have been place in all of them.
Update on Rosie: We have not had to call the Mobile Crisis Unit, go to the ER for a psych evaluation or place her at any facility since she was discharged from her last placement back in June of 2010! She is 13 so I can not say she is perfect! What teen girl is? It is funny the things that we have learned during our time of true bonding. She is funny! I never knew that! She says the funniest things and doesn't even realize it. She is sweet! She is thoughtful! She is helpful! She is truly a joy to parent! She is still mouthy and moody but she is a teenager for goodness sake! All teens are crabby! We have these conversations that blow my mind because a year ago, I would have scoffed at such healing on her part. The three of us have spent so many hours in therapy, shed so many tears, lost so much sleep and we have tasted success! A miracle...A gift!
I think it is during the chaos of the first 3 months of 2010 that Marie started to change. I can't tell you a specific date or event, I am guessing from what has transpired that this is when something changed. She became dark, moody, macabre. By April, I had to have her arrested the first time. The first of many interactions with police, probation and court system. In May she had her first two of the 6 total program placements. At the end of May, she had some sort of psychiatric break and we had another situation that required her to be arrested a second time.
And I am going to take a break tonight. I will continue this tomorrow. As I said, I am still processing much of this last year so I am going to listen to my brain and say goodnight.
Have a good night.....
Queen mommy
I am not sure that I am going to use this post to spill the juicy gossipy details then again I may! I think I am still processing my feelings and that is clearly taking longer than I feel it should. My therapist and I have spent the last couple of weeks processing all of my feelings.
Rosie spent the first six months of 2010 in and out of programs. Her heart and brain were so sick. She couldn't maintain safe behavior more than a week at a time without us bringing her back to another program. Her diagnosis of RAD was always at the front of mind. I knew she was not safe to be in our home BUT I knew I could possibly be doing a lot of damage to her ability to grow a bond with us because she kept being "sent away". My husband and I were very very involved with her care during every single one of her placements. I am know in all of the local programs because one or both of my children have been place in all of them.
Update on Rosie: We have not had to call the Mobile Crisis Unit, go to the ER for a psych evaluation or place her at any facility since she was discharged from her last placement back in June of 2010! She is 13 so I can not say she is perfect! What teen girl is? It is funny the things that we have learned during our time of true bonding. She is funny! I never knew that! She says the funniest things and doesn't even realize it. She is sweet! She is thoughtful! She is helpful! She is truly a joy to parent! She is still mouthy and moody but she is a teenager for goodness sake! All teens are crabby! We have these conversations that blow my mind because a year ago, I would have scoffed at such healing on her part. The three of us have spent so many hours in therapy, shed so many tears, lost so much sleep and we have tasted success! A miracle...A gift!
I think it is during the chaos of the first 3 months of 2010 that Marie started to change. I can't tell you a specific date or event, I am guessing from what has transpired that this is when something changed. She became dark, moody, macabre. By April, I had to have her arrested the first time. The first of many interactions with police, probation and court system. In May she had her first two of the 6 total program placements. At the end of May, she had some sort of psychiatric break and we had another situation that required her to be arrested a second time.
And I am going to take a break tonight. I will continue this tomorrow. As I said, I am still processing much of this last year so I am going to listen to my brain and say goodnight.
Have a good night.....
Queen mommy
My Kid went Rogue, part one
I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night and I heard Jillian say "you just went rogue, dude" and I was like...."that is my kid!" She went rogue. She went off the emotionally healthy grid and spiraled into the abyss that has become our life. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except this isn't a drug induced head trip, it is my life!
I spoke with my daughter yesterday on our car ride to her new therapeutic foster home placement and she knows that I am writing this. She said "Mom, it will be good for you to get this all out of your system. Maybe someone else needs to hear it so they don't feel so bad either"
Yes! I did say therapeutic foster home! I am still not sitting well with it but it has happened and I am learning to accept it and speak about it without wincing in pain or crying uncontrollably. I have spent hours obsessing about how we got to the place where she is living and sharing a life with a complete stranger. Intellectually, I know I am a good mother. I have sacrificed as much as one human can for their child. I have accessed every service one can access to help her. The list of service providers that we are affiliated is long and confuses everyone outside of our family that must try to keep track of it. But no matter how good I am as a mother, Marie has mental health issues. AND contrary to what most people think, no amount of good parenting changes Mental Illness.
I thought once they bonded to us, RAD would quit rearing its ugly head. The lies would be done with, the stealing would stop, the multiple other high risk behaviors would never happen because bonding with me would bolster their self esteem enough that they wouldn't need to experiment. The love my husband and I give them would be the balm that covered their healing scars and it would be strong enough to hold the bad stuff back. But that is not how it has played out.
When a child (in my case, a beautiful 17 year old struggling with RAD and a mood disorder) has been through the trauma of abuse and separation from their biological families, those are wounds that take a lifetime to heal. Sometimes they scab over and it takes very little to rip that scab off and have a gaping hole again.
I thought I was ready to pour out everything that has transpired since my last blog entry but I am not. I need to sit awhile longer. I will be able to soon. I just wanted to let my lovely blog family know, I am still here. I miss you all!
Queen Mommy
I spoke with my daughter yesterday on our car ride to her new therapeutic foster home placement and she knows that I am writing this. She said "Mom, it will be good for you to get this all out of your system. Maybe someone else needs to hear it so they don't feel so bad either"
Yes! I did say therapeutic foster home! I am still not sitting well with it but it has happened and I am learning to accept it and speak about it without wincing in pain or crying uncontrollably. I have spent hours obsessing about how we got to the place where she is living and sharing a life with a complete stranger. Intellectually, I know I am a good mother. I have sacrificed as much as one human can for their child. I have accessed every service one can access to help her. The list of service providers that we are affiliated is long and confuses everyone outside of our family that must try to keep track of it. But no matter how good I am as a mother, Marie has mental health issues. AND contrary to what most people think, no amount of good parenting changes Mental Illness.
I thought once they bonded to us, RAD would quit rearing its ugly head. The lies would be done with, the stealing would stop, the multiple other high risk behaviors would never happen because bonding with me would bolster their self esteem enough that they wouldn't need to experiment. The love my husband and I give them would be the balm that covered their healing scars and it would be strong enough to hold the bad stuff back. But that is not how it has played out.
When a child (in my case, a beautiful 17 year old struggling with RAD and a mood disorder) has been through the trauma of abuse and separation from their biological families, those are wounds that take a lifetime to heal. Sometimes they scab over and it takes very little to rip that scab off and have a gaping hole again.
I thought I was ready to pour out everything that has transpired since my last blog entry but I am not. I need to sit awhile longer. I will be able to soon. I just wanted to let my lovely blog family know, I am still here. I miss you all!
Queen Mommy
Monday, July 5, 2010
Life is good!
I focus sometimes on the things that are frustrating me. I focus on how hard life is right now. I focus on how others have it easier than me. I focus on friendships that hurt. I focus on family relationships that are lacking. I focus on work issues. I focus on medical issues. I focus on the heat. I focus on RAD. RAD. RAD. RAD. and RAD. Not right now. I am going to share with you the good things in my life.
Sit back and think about those things that are good:
1. I am in good health
2. My husband loves me.
3. My children are alive and physically well.
4. I got to lay in bed and tickle my daughters yesterday.
5. I have ears to listen to the giggles and shrieks of happy children.
6. I have a job.
7. The weather has been soooo beautiful.
8. I love therapy.
9. I have two very special siblings, whom I love very much.
10. I have air conditioning.
11. I have many nieces and nephews to love and hug.
12. I love my husband!
13. I live in the USA. I have many blessings from living in this great country.
14. We have an amazing professional support system.
15. We have a great family support system.
16. I have two adorable cats that love to be spoiled.
17. I have a few truly good friends. My circle is tiny but greatly loved.
18. I love my coworkers.
19. God loves me no matter what mistakes I make.
20. God really loves me! Look at all He has blessed me with!
Sit back and think about those things that are good:
1. I am in good health
2. My husband loves me.
3. My children are alive and physically well.
4. I got to lay in bed and tickle my daughters yesterday.
5. I have ears to listen to the giggles and shrieks of happy children.
6. I have a job.
7. The weather has been soooo beautiful.
8. I love therapy.
9. I have two very special siblings, whom I love very much.
10. I have air conditioning.
11. I have many nieces and nephews to love and hug.
12. I love my husband!
13. I live in the USA. I have many blessings from living in this great country.
14. We have an amazing professional support system.
15. We have a great family support system.
16. I have two adorable cats that love to be spoiled.
17. I have a few truly good friends. My circle is tiny but greatly loved.
18. I love my coworkers.
19. God loves me no matter what mistakes I make.
20. God really loves me! Look at all He has blessed me with!
Good Days
This has been a long strange ride. I am sitting in my living room watching my almost 13 year old make her own tuna sandwich. To the outside world I am sure this is no big deal but it is HUGE here. When Rosie is emotionally healthy, she can make her own food and be helpful to us. When Rosie is emotionally unhealthy, she breaks down in fits of tears and says we have no food. Today we are having an emotionally healthy day.
Actually, this has been the first holiday in the four years that Rosie has been with us that she didn't have a complete breakdown! It was also the first holiday that both girls have been home with us since last Thanksgiving. At least one of the girls have been in out of home placements for each holiday since last November.
The stress of raising them can sometimes seem oppressive. I long for respite all the time. Yet when they are away, there is a hole in my soul. I am lost without them. I know I have already covered this in a previous blog but it bears repeating. They have become part of my soul. I didn't give birth to them yet they are in my blood.
I know they have needed the time out of the home. I know that everything I have done for both girls has been in their best interest. I still feel guilt sometimes. I still feel as though I somehow failed them because their needs were too big for me. I also know in my head that isn't the case. I can't fail them when I am keeping them safe and making sure their needs are taken care of. I am their mom...I want to fix it all. I want to make the hurt leave.
Marie was home for a visit this weekend. Marie and Rosie were stuck to each other. So very nice to watch and experience. We had a family get together at my parent's house. Both of my siblings were there with their families. It was the first time all of the cousins were together. My nephews and my daughters. Marie enjoyed the teasing my brother gave her. She was the child we have been raising for seven years. She wasn't the troubled child from the last four months. Rosie was quiet and shy but still sweet and cuddly with everyone. It was just a really wonderful time.
And today is still a great day! She is sitting next to me, eating her sandwich, smiling, giggling and being pleasant to be around. A very healthy day.
May you also have a healthy day!
Actually, this has been the first holiday in the four years that Rosie has been with us that she didn't have a complete breakdown! It was also the first holiday that both girls have been home with us since last Thanksgiving. At least one of the girls have been in out of home placements for each holiday since last November.
The stress of raising them can sometimes seem oppressive. I long for respite all the time. Yet when they are away, there is a hole in my soul. I am lost without them. I know I have already covered this in a previous blog but it bears repeating. They have become part of my soul. I didn't give birth to them yet they are in my blood.
I know they have needed the time out of the home. I know that everything I have done for both girls has been in their best interest. I still feel guilt sometimes. I still feel as though I somehow failed them because their needs were too big for me. I also know in my head that isn't the case. I can't fail them when I am keeping them safe and making sure their needs are taken care of. I am their mom...I want to fix it all. I want to make the hurt leave.
Marie was home for a visit this weekend. Marie and Rosie were stuck to each other. So very nice to watch and experience. We had a family get together at my parent's house. Both of my siblings were there with their families. It was the first time all of the cousins were together. My nephews and my daughters. Marie enjoyed the teasing my brother gave her. She was the child we have been raising for seven years. She wasn't the troubled child from the last four months. Rosie was quiet and shy but still sweet and cuddly with everyone. It was just a really wonderful time.
And today is still a great day! She is sitting next to me, eating her sandwich, smiling, giggling and being pleasant to be around. A very healthy day.
May you also have a healthy day!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Choosing My Family
We are counting down the days till Rosie comes home.....We are at like 3 days! 3 days! Gazooks!
I am excited! She has been out of the home for five plus months. I miss cuddling with her. She has always been my cuddle monkey! I am hopeful that her time away from us was not wasted. I am hopeful that she realizes that life has more to offer her than the misery of her past. I love her. She is my child, I simply love her. I love her for who she is with all of her promise and her many struggles. All of the good and bad make her the special child she is!
I am indifferent. She has been gone a long time and it has been quiet while she has been gone. I am apprehensive because she is still the same person. No matter the length of time she has been gone....she still has the same personality. Some things are ingrained. I have fear because those primal wounds are not healed yet. There is still the fear of her cutting words and her violent outbursts.
So I sit here trying to reconcile all of my feelings. I go through times where I second guess myself. Other times I make deals with myself in my mind. I scold myself for the not so fuzzy feeling feelings and I scold myself for the very fuzzy feelings. I mean what kind of mother dreads the return of her little girl? And what kind of bafoon is excited about the return of their captor?
The mother of a RADling is who!
These thoughts keep me awake at night. I spend my time to and from work reliving every moment and every conversation we have had. I review the reports in my mind. I know the facts back and forth. I know the prognosis and I know what we are up against.
So once again we welcome her home, praying for the best but realizing that we must temper our excitement with realism. She will have to practice her new skills over and over again. She will mess up. I anticipate she will mess up lots and lots in the first several weeks or months. But I still have Hope and Faith!
Tonight, I am praying that God touch her heart and help her to melt her frozen heart. It is time for Rosie to heal! May God help her to realize that she is ready to heal. She is safe and loved, now it is her turn!
Have a Great Night!
I am excited! She has been out of the home for five plus months. I miss cuddling with her. She has always been my cuddle monkey! I am hopeful that her time away from us was not wasted. I am hopeful that she realizes that life has more to offer her than the misery of her past. I love her. She is my child, I simply love her. I love her for who she is with all of her promise and her many struggles. All of the good and bad make her the special child she is!
I am indifferent. She has been gone a long time and it has been quiet while she has been gone. I am apprehensive because she is still the same person. No matter the length of time she has been gone....she still has the same personality. Some things are ingrained. I have fear because those primal wounds are not healed yet. There is still the fear of her cutting words and her violent outbursts.
So I sit here trying to reconcile all of my feelings. I go through times where I second guess myself. Other times I make deals with myself in my mind. I scold myself for the not so fuzzy feeling feelings and I scold myself for the very fuzzy feelings. I mean what kind of mother dreads the return of her little girl? And what kind of bafoon is excited about the return of their captor?
The mother of a RADling is who!
These thoughts keep me awake at night. I spend my time to and from work reliving every moment and every conversation we have had. I review the reports in my mind. I know the facts back and forth. I know the prognosis and I know what we are up against.
So once again we welcome her home, praying for the best but realizing that we must temper our excitement with realism. She will have to practice her new skills over and over again. She will mess up. I anticipate she will mess up lots and lots in the first several weeks or months. But I still have Hope and Faith!
Tonight, I am praying that God touch her heart and help her to melt her frozen heart. It is time for Rosie to heal! May God help her to realize that she is ready to heal. She is safe and loved, now it is her turn!
Have a Great Night!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A Day in The Life.....
So A LOT has gone down since my last blog entry. Sorry for being so lax but if you knew what had been going on...You would sooooooo forgive me!
Rosie had been in and out of psych facilities since Christmas so we decided at the end of April we needed to open a voluntary case with DCF. It was certainly not our first choice and we were quite apprehensive about doing it but Rosie needed to have one, stable out of home placement with testing. She was placed in a program and testing was done. Wham Bam and 45 days later she is ready to be released.
Marie has struggled since her Psychiatrist began to change her meds back in March. She has really struggled behaviorally with multiple issues at home and at school. In fact, we have had to be involved with the court system, too. Two weeks ago she and I had an issue and she was placed in a program to adjust her meds and complete an assessment.
I never imagined a world where DCF was my friend. I have been completely impressed with their sensitivity and ability to assist us get our children stabilized.
I have been depressed. I have been lost. It seems as though it would be ridiculous that for me to be depressed. I mean...How many times have you heard me bellyache because I had to deal with their issues. I have for two weeks with no children to tend to, no children wreaking havoc on my life, no children hurting my heart and I am heartsick.
I am depressed and traumatized. The reality is, I need them. I LOVE being their mother. I love them! I love their laughter, I love their hugs, I love their whispers in the backseat, I love having them home. I love smelling their hair when we snuggle, I love hearing them yell "mooooooommmmmmmyyyyy"
I started therapy this week. She told me I need to spend some time each day doing something I love. I love doing this! I love to read blogs and be part of the blogging community. So I want to take this moment to Thank all of my Blog Sisters out there! Thank you for sharing your lives with me!
I also want to send a special thank you to my sis and my friends, Jess and C. My sister for loving me. To J for faithfully calling me and checking up on me every single day that I have been struggling. Thank you C for taking me out Friday night. I have been in such a funk and I appreciate you knowing exactly what I needed. Thanks to My parents for hugging me when I needed a hug more than anything else you could have done. Amy, Ali, and Lynne for being awesome RAD moms that I know I can share stuff with and you won't judge me.
If you know someone is struggling, support them! Text them, call them, email them, hug them, just love them. You have the power to make the difference in their lives!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!
When I was a teenager and a young adult, the only thing I wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted to have a house full of children. I wanted to sit and hold my babies for hours. I wanted to clean dirty faces and pick up toys and tickle little bellies.
When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It has a spectrum of issues associated with it. One of them is Infertility. It was difficult to hear this when I was still so young. I was fairly devastated by this. A shaping moment in my life.
I never thought I would find someone to love me if they knew from the outset that I wouldn't give them children. Beyond the naive assumptions I had when I was nineteen, I knew God would make a path. Side note....Marie was in her birthmom's belly while this was happening to me. My path was made well before I knew!
On my first date with my husband I said to him " I can't have children, I plan on adopting....If that isn't anything you are interested in...This date is over" Honestly, why he didn't get up and leave is beyond me! Here we are ten years later.
Fast Forward Ten Years.....
Here I sit with two children that are in out of home placements. I have two children with significant mental health issues.I have two children that are confused and have a difficult time accepting love from us.
I have been parenting two RADlings for 7 years. I would say I have learned alot from parenting my girls. I have also experienced some pretty harsh realities. I have laughed with my girls and I have shed tears with them. I have also had 6 really stinky Mother's days. Holidays in general stink but Mother's Day is particulary heinous. It is a day that is set aside to be mean to me. We have canceled it most years but still have had the same difficulties.
My little, Rosie, has been in out of home placements for 3.5 months. She should be gone at least another 45 days. Marie was placed in a locked unit last week after her behaviors began to escalate. This week has been a very interesting week. Although, I have had a ridiculous two months so this week is no different I guess.
My daughters have requested that I not discuss much that has happened but believe me when I say...Much more interesting than any Lifetime movie!
I cried when my Marie was placed in a facility. I said to my husband that I didn't know what I would do with them away from home on Mother's Day...and his response..."you are going to enjoy yourself!"
Today is the day before Mother's Day. We traveled to see both of our children. They are placed in facilities an hour away from each other. We decided not to say anything to the girls about Mother's Day. I mean, I didn't need drama to enjoy my day. Well to my wonderful surprise....My beautiful girls gave me cards and big hugs! No prompting...no discussions...no begging....Hugs and tears and kisses and more hugs....
This year, I have had the best....the very best Mother's Day. Two girls that told me they hope I get the rest I deserve. This year I got to be a mommy...not the mom of a RADling, not the mom of a kid in a placement....not the mom of a kid that ruined my day....Today I was the mom of two girls that wanted to celebrate me as their mommy!
I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Five Lessons.
I didn't start out with the desire to parent one special needs child...let alone two. I thought I had all of the answers many times along the way and then things would come to crash in my face and I realized that I knew very little. I have learned many lessons in this 7 year journey. I have lived much pain and heartache but also I have felt even more love and joy in this journey.
I have been asked, many times, if I would do this again. And there have been times that I have said no or no way. I have grown immensely as of late and I have now concluded that I would do this again.....OVER and OVER again. I love my children and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Their struggles are painful for all of us but the happiness along the way makes the pain more bearable.
Rosie is in a short term facility for "complications" of her RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) This is actually her fourth out of home placement since December. The constant stress has put a strain on all of us.
Marie has also been having her own struggles. Their energy seems to suck the other in to the tsunami of drama. It has become disabling for me. I was consumed in the drama. I also wanted to escape. I couldn't deal with the stress.
About three weeks ago I read something a therapist told a mother of a child with Borderline Personality Disorder and it changed my life. It has given me back my life in ways I can't even begin to explain.( it will be number one on my list)
It made me begin to reflect on the many lessons I have learned through parenting special needs kids. I wanted to share the five best lessons I have learned. I don't necessarily think this only pertains to special needs moms...Some of these are universal...Some aren't
My Five Lessons:
1. "Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster" I can not tell you the original author of these words but I am not trademarking them or using them as my own so I think I am good. This has totally changed my life. It is such a simple concept but so hard to do. I have learned that I can love, support and help my child without becoming part of their emotional roller coaster. My feet need to be firmly planted on the ground to be of any help to my child. It also frees you from the emotional torment that our children can try to inflict upon us. If we aren't on the ride, we can't get hurt. Try it....Amazing freedom..Joy in the journey.
2. "Someone else always has it worse" Kind of a lame one but true. It is easy to become "stuck" in the drama of our own lives and to feel as if "no one could possibly know how much my life sucks" No they don't know but their life could suck worse. AND more importantly, there is always happiness to be had....we need to spend our time finding the good and not dwelling on the bad.
3. "It wasn't as bad as I thought" My older daughter is very, very impulsive. She is our "runner" So she has pseudo run away several times. She usually runs to the police station or a specific friend. I always know where she goes. I thought that getting the call from the Police Station would be the end of it. I would die of embarrassment. It wasn't the end of the world. Not super fun but I didn't die! I learned a lot about something called Perspective. I am learning to take everything in stride and keep going....It is never as bad as you think it will be. You can survive!
4. "I am a Great Mother" I have to cut myself some slack. My kids aren't perfect and neither am I. They are alive, still in school, and healthy....I am doing A LOT right. Every professional that has worked with our family says that this is one of the most loving families they have met and that as much dysfunction as there is...the unit itself is loving and strong. My husband and I are doing lots right. I need to remember that when the kids are crashing, take a deep breath and keep going.
5. "This too shall pass" We have had one heck of a ride the last four months. I feel as though we have lived two lifetimes in this short amount of time. There have been many moments that I thought I wouldn't be able to go on, many moments when I was sure we were done and ready to quit....but we are still together and in tact as a family. Life has ups and downs. Holding on and finding hope along the way....keeps you going so the ups make the downs less intolerable.
Kids teach us so many lessons. When you become a parent you think of all the things you have to teach them before you say goodbye when they are 18....never realizing the thousands of lessons those little miracles will teach you. I have many many more lessons to share...My ideas are overflowing and my heart is full again. I hope to reignite my blog entries now that I am hopeful and upbeat again.
May you find joy in your journey, too!
I have been asked, many times, if I would do this again. And there have been times that I have said no or no way. I have grown immensely as of late and I have now concluded that I would do this again.....OVER and OVER again. I love my children and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Their struggles are painful for all of us but the happiness along the way makes the pain more bearable.
Rosie is in a short term facility for "complications" of her RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) This is actually her fourth out of home placement since December. The constant stress has put a strain on all of us.
Marie has also been having her own struggles. Their energy seems to suck the other in to the tsunami of drama. It has become disabling for me. I was consumed in the drama. I also wanted to escape. I couldn't deal with the stress.
About three weeks ago I read something a therapist told a mother of a child with Borderline Personality Disorder and it changed my life. It has given me back my life in ways I can't even begin to explain.( it will be number one on my list)
It made me begin to reflect on the many lessons I have learned through parenting special needs kids. I wanted to share the five best lessons I have learned. I don't necessarily think this only pertains to special needs moms...Some of these are universal...Some aren't
My Five Lessons:
1. "Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster" I can not tell you the original author of these words but I am not trademarking them or using them as my own so I think I am good. This has totally changed my life. It is such a simple concept but so hard to do. I have learned that I can love, support and help my child without becoming part of their emotional roller coaster. My feet need to be firmly planted on the ground to be of any help to my child. It also frees you from the emotional torment that our children can try to inflict upon us. If we aren't on the ride, we can't get hurt. Try it....Amazing freedom..Joy in the journey.
2. "Someone else always has it worse" Kind of a lame one but true. It is easy to become "stuck" in the drama of our own lives and to feel as if "no one could possibly know how much my life sucks" No they don't know but their life could suck worse. AND more importantly, there is always happiness to be had....we need to spend our time finding the good and not dwelling on the bad.
3. "It wasn't as bad as I thought" My older daughter is very, very impulsive. She is our "runner" So she has pseudo run away several times. She usually runs to the police station or a specific friend. I always know where she goes. I thought that getting the call from the Police Station would be the end of it. I would die of embarrassment. It wasn't the end of the world. Not super fun but I didn't die! I learned a lot about something called Perspective. I am learning to take everything in stride and keep going....It is never as bad as you think it will be. You can survive!
4. "I am a Great Mother" I have to cut myself some slack. My kids aren't perfect and neither am I. They are alive, still in school, and healthy....I am doing A LOT right. Every professional that has worked with our family says that this is one of the most loving families they have met and that as much dysfunction as there is...the unit itself is loving and strong. My husband and I are doing lots right. I need to remember that when the kids are crashing, take a deep breath and keep going.
5. "This too shall pass" We have had one heck of a ride the last four months. I feel as though we have lived two lifetimes in this short amount of time. There have been many moments that I thought I wouldn't be able to go on, many moments when I was sure we were done and ready to quit....but we are still together and in tact as a family. Life has ups and downs. Holding on and finding hope along the way....keeps you going so the ups make the downs less intolerable.
Kids teach us so many lessons. When you become a parent you think of all the things you have to teach them before you say goodbye when they are 18....never realizing the thousands of lessons those little miracles will teach you. I have many many more lessons to share...My ideas are overflowing and my heart is full again. I hope to reignite my blog entries now that I am hopeful and upbeat again.
May you find joy in your journey, too!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Dreaming....
The weather is awesome today....The sky is blue...the wind is soft and air is warm....Love these days...I want to take a blanket and lay in the grass (the ground is still muddy from the rain) and just dream...
Friday, March 12, 2010
Auto-pilot
I have been parenting children (was one child for a while) for seven years. I have been parenting mental illness of seven years now. I have been choking back my own trauma from parenting trauma for seven years now. I have gained about thirty five pounds from parenting trauma and mental illness for seven years now. I have also gained anxiety and PTSD from parenting trauma and mental illness for seven years.
Both of my children have mental illness. I LOVE MY CHILDREN! It is my reality. It is not a reality I knew would be mine, but I lovingly chose to raise my children. I may have been naive to the truly monumental job I was taking on BUT I chose it none the less. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. I don't want people to give me those looks of pity that I am put upon. I am not put upon. I chose my children. My husband and chose to love these children and to give them a chance to flourish with our love. Except, Love isn't enough. Love is not all that you need to help these children.
I was meeting with someone on my daughter, Rosie's team and she said I have blocked myself off. I am dismissive of my own feeling and that I have closed myself off from everyone in the world. She said it is as if I have no affect. I have no reaction to anything. I am doing what I have to do to get through my day, superficially engaging with all of those around me. WOW! I have RAD! It was sobering to realize I have taken on so many of those things from my children.
Of course, this isn't their fault. I don't believe this is on them at all. They are victims themselves. We have now all become victims of their trauma, abuse, neglect and mental illness.
I feel as though I have no support system. I feel as though I am completely isolated from the human race. I feel judged at every turn. I don't trust anyone. I am suspect of everyone around me. I don't even cry anymore. I laugh and make everything a joke. I won't allow anyone to have empathy for me. I won't let anyone close to me. I am so very quick to attack and so very quick to shut them out. I hadn't thought about this ever! This woman has opened my eyes to my own behaviors. I have always blamed their trauma, their mental illness...that was why I am alone in the world.
In reality that is not the case. I don't have a support system right now...but it is because I have alienated them. I have become so hardened and so immune to love and support that I don't feel it. I am afraid to let them in. I can see where I stopped them in their tracks. I am trying to fix this with my loved ones but sometimes those relationships are hard to mend. I am still full of my own hurt and pain...I am not able to reach out, though I know it is mine to do.
I want so badly for someone to come to my house and hug me....Tell me it will be ok and that they love me no matter what. That I matter. And yet...I don't know how to reach out for that. I am hurting so badly inside yet I don't allow myself to feel it. I want the world to see I can handle it all...when I can't.
I said all of this to say....sometimes things don't appear as they seem. People can be hurting so much when they seem so strong. Allow someone a second, third, twentieth chance. Love them wholly and unconditionally...and if you can...go to the person's home and give them a hug....They don't need their life to be fixed, and they don't need pity....they just need to know...They aren't alone and that they are loved....So love them. Hug them tight!
Have a grace and blessing filled day!
Queen Mommy
Both of my children have mental illness. I LOVE MY CHILDREN! It is my reality. It is not a reality I knew would be mine, but I lovingly chose to raise my children. I may have been naive to the truly monumental job I was taking on BUT I chose it none the less. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. I don't want people to give me those looks of pity that I am put upon. I am not put upon. I chose my children. My husband and chose to love these children and to give them a chance to flourish with our love. Except, Love isn't enough. Love is not all that you need to help these children.
I was meeting with someone on my daughter, Rosie's team and she said I have blocked myself off. I am dismissive of my own feeling and that I have closed myself off from everyone in the world. She said it is as if I have no affect. I have no reaction to anything. I am doing what I have to do to get through my day, superficially engaging with all of those around me. WOW! I have RAD! It was sobering to realize I have taken on so many of those things from my children.
Of course, this isn't their fault. I don't believe this is on them at all. They are victims themselves. We have now all become victims of their trauma, abuse, neglect and mental illness.
I feel as though I have no support system. I feel as though I am completely isolated from the human race. I feel judged at every turn. I don't trust anyone. I am suspect of everyone around me. I don't even cry anymore. I laugh and make everything a joke. I won't allow anyone to have empathy for me. I won't let anyone close to me. I am so very quick to attack and so very quick to shut them out. I hadn't thought about this ever! This woman has opened my eyes to my own behaviors. I have always blamed their trauma, their mental illness...that was why I am alone in the world.
In reality that is not the case. I don't have a support system right now...but it is because I have alienated them. I have become so hardened and so immune to love and support that I don't feel it. I am afraid to let them in. I can see where I stopped them in their tracks. I am trying to fix this with my loved ones but sometimes those relationships are hard to mend. I am still full of my own hurt and pain...I am not able to reach out, though I know it is mine to do.
I want so badly for someone to come to my house and hug me....Tell me it will be ok and that they love me no matter what. That I matter. And yet...I don't know how to reach out for that. I am hurting so badly inside yet I don't allow myself to feel it. I want the world to see I can handle it all...when I can't.
I said all of this to say....sometimes things don't appear as they seem. People can be hurting so much when they seem so strong. Allow someone a second, third, twentieth chance. Love them wholly and unconditionally...and if you can...go to the person's home and give them a hug....They don't need their life to be fixed, and they don't need pity....they just need to know...They aren't alone and that they are loved....So love them. Hug them tight!
Have a grace and blessing filled day!
Queen Mommy
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Build A Bridge.....and Get over it!
Many people have wronged me in my lifetime. I am sure everyone has had countless people that have wronged them. I would have to say I have matured to the point that I have gotten over most of the crap from my past. I have done alot of therapy work through my children's therapy to free myself to get past things.
I am not perfect and nor do I do it because I am a saint or that the person deserves forgiveness. I forgive and move past this stuff because it is my soul that is destroyed. I am the person that becomes controlled by anger and hatred and I am the toxic person.
With both children having extensive trauma histories, there is alot of built up anger and unforgiveness. Granted in this case, they don't deserve any forgiveness. I spend a great deal of time processing this and teaching the girls to forgive. They don't forgive for the benefit of the other person, they must forgive for their own lives to take flight. Forgiving people frees us of our bitterness and our anger. Our lives become better. Happier....without being attached to the past in a negative way.
Teaching your children to forgive is a hard task. We teach by our example. We have to live our lives with forgiveness to teach it to our children. It can sometimes be hard because we become invested in our anger. We obsess about how unfair it is to be treated that way and that it is unacceptable to be treated in such away. But still we must forgive.
Forgiveness doesn't take the person off the hook. You must use common sense. If someone stabs you in the back or does something awful to you, it doesn't mean you keep going back for more. You aren't obligated to pretend that it didn't happen and you should never forget. If we forget...we may end up in another situation.
I choose to forgive all who have hurt me. I live a much happier life when I am free from the ropes that bind me in anger and bitterness. It takes practice and it isn't always easy but it is always been the best thing I can do. I see that as I live my life this way, my children also become more forgiving and they are able to sort through the past hurts that they have. Which brings them to healing.
I hope that we all can learn to forgive and teach our children this very powerful and amazing gift. It is a life lesson that everyone benefits from.
Please be well!
I am not perfect and nor do I do it because I am a saint or that the person deserves forgiveness. I forgive and move past this stuff because it is my soul that is destroyed. I am the person that becomes controlled by anger and hatred and I am the toxic person.
With both children having extensive trauma histories, there is alot of built up anger and unforgiveness. Granted in this case, they don't deserve any forgiveness. I spend a great deal of time processing this and teaching the girls to forgive. They don't forgive for the benefit of the other person, they must forgive for their own lives to take flight. Forgiving people frees us of our bitterness and our anger. Our lives become better. Happier....without being attached to the past in a negative way.
Teaching your children to forgive is a hard task. We teach by our example. We have to live our lives with forgiveness to teach it to our children. It can sometimes be hard because we become invested in our anger. We obsess about how unfair it is to be treated that way and that it is unacceptable to be treated in such away. But still we must forgive.
Forgiveness doesn't take the person off the hook. You must use common sense. If someone stabs you in the back or does something awful to you, it doesn't mean you keep going back for more. You aren't obligated to pretend that it didn't happen and you should never forget. If we forget...we may end up in another situation.
I choose to forgive all who have hurt me. I live a much happier life when I am free from the ropes that bind me in anger and bitterness. It takes practice and it isn't always easy but it is always been the best thing I can do. I see that as I live my life this way, my children also become more forgiving and they are able to sort through the past hurts that they have. Which brings them to healing.
I hope that we all can learn to forgive and teach our children this very powerful and amazing gift. It is a life lesson that everyone benefits from.
Please be well!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Love your Boner!
Did that get your attention? I knew it would...It took me a long time to think of it but I knew at least one person would say...."What the ??????" AND get your mind out of the gutter.....
I haven't followed the career of or the lack of a career that Andrew Koenig had. My only reference point for him is that he played Boner on Growing Pains and I loved that show. He was a great character and oh so very loveable in an idiot type of way. I never thought of him a single second after that show left the air until last week when I found out he was missing....and then watched as his parents announced that he had ended his own life.
But his family knew him and his friends knew him. AND they loved him. He suffered from depression. It sounds as if he struggled greatly and didn't see beyond his despair. It is so heartbreaking to me. And it is a fear that I harbor deep down inside of me for my own children.
Both of my daughters struggle daily with mental illness. I often make light of it so that I can rid myself of the heaviness I often bear as I parent them. Their hidden wounds so deep that no one sees the true damage that they carry. And my heart aches for them daily. My tears are full of sadness and fear as I contemplate their paths.
Mr. Koenig was very eloquent during his press conference. I am not quoting him directly because I don't remember his exact words but he said something to the effect that we should not take for granted our opportunities to support people with mental illness. They need to know they are not alone. They need to know they are loved.
It sounds so simple doesn't it? But often people with mental illness make it extremely difficult to love them. They are very high maintenance, they love chaos and they can be very toxic to be around. They are so caught up in what is going on in their minds that they find everything else to be lost. And they need to know that it isn't...there is always a light.
So really, my message for you today is to love on your Boner and love on your Mr. and Mrs. Koenig....They need you to remember them....send them a card...call them up and listen to them ramble ....take them out for coffee....they just need to know you are there and love them.
It isn't going to solve the issue.... But knowing there are others to share the burden can be more helpful than you will ever know!
Love you all!
Queen Mommy
PS....these are my oppinions only....no one else...so relax and just think about it!
I haven't followed the career of or the lack of a career that Andrew Koenig had. My only reference point for him is that he played Boner on Growing Pains and I loved that show. He was a great character and oh so very loveable in an idiot type of way. I never thought of him a single second after that show left the air until last week when I found out he was missing....and then watched as his parents announced that he had ended his own life.
But his family knew him and his friends knew him. AND they loved him. He suffered from depression. It sounds as if he struggled greatly and didn't see beyond his despair. It is so heartbreaking to me. And it is a fear that I harbor deep down inside of me for my own children.
Both of my daughters struggle daily with mental illness. I often make light of it so that I can rid myself of the heaviness I often bear as I parent them. Their hidden wounds so deep that no one sees the true damage that they carry. And my heart aches for them daily. My tears are full of sadness and fear as I contemplate their paths.
Mr. Koenig was very eloquent during his press conference. I am not quoting him directly because I don't remember his exact words but he said something to the effect that we should not take for granted our opportunities to support people with mental illness. They need to know they are not alone. They need to know they are loved.
It sounds so simple doesn't it? But often people with mental illness make it extremely difficult to love them. They are very high maintenance, they love chaos and they can be very toxic to be around. They are so caught up in what is going on in their minds that they find everything else to be lost. And they need to know that it isn't...there is always a light.
So really, my message for you today is to love on your Boner and love on your Mr. and Mrs. Koenig....They need you to remember them....send them a card...call them up and listen to them ramble ....take them out for coffee....they just need to know you are there and love them.
It isn't going to solve the issue.... But knowing there are others to share the burden can be more helpful than you will ever know!
Love you all!
Queen Mommy
PS....these are my oppinions only....no one else...so relax and just think about it!
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