I have just really struggled to get back into a groove with my blog. It isn't that I have nothing to write or the time to write. I just find that I struggle with doing it. It is like many things. I know I will love it once I get going but sometimes I just can't get going.
I would love to tell you that I have the perfect life. I would love to say that my kids are attached and I no longer need the solace of my blog or my blog family. I love you all out there!
My youngest daughter, Rosie, is such a challenge. I was watching a Nancy Thomas video last night. She was describing RAD symptoms. It was so her! lol...come on now! When I hear someone else describe their kids behaviors, I say "yes!!!! yes!!!! that is my kid!" I do have to concede that some of her issues are really part of her temperament. Both my husband and I have really spent a lot of time accepting and coming to terms with this! There are certain things about her that aren't going to change. I love her with her flaws. BUT believe me RAD is still in the mix and it isn't a fun mix!
My oldest, Marie, is going through some pretty heavy stuff right now. She is having some flashbacks of past trauma and it is really shaking her to the core. She is in complete dysregulation right now. My husband and I spend a lot of "external regulation" She responds well to this, usually. I am praying that when she has her EMDR next tues, it will give her the gift of peace of mind.
I really wanted to talk about what I am thankful for. I think sometimes I get stuck in the bad part of raising my girls that I forget all the wonderful things that they have brought to my life. They are beautiful, smart, and fabulous. I truly Thankful to God for them. They were the children that I was meant to parent. I remember the time I dealt with infertility and the emotional hardship that brought into my life. God made a way for me to be a mommy. and for that I am truly THANKFUL!
I am thankful for their special needs. We have learned many lessons. I have learned so much about resiliency and the power of the Human Spirit. I have learned about my own strength and been the gift of a strong marriage. I have also been taught much about empathy. I had no real experience with children with mental illness before. Actually anyone with mental illness. I had many misdirected assumptions. My children blew them away and they have made me a better person. They make me want to be an even better person!
I am thankful for their laughter and their hugs! I love their hugs! I am thankful for giggles and dancing and out of tune singing. I am thankful for the thousands of times a day they say "MOMMY", even though sometimes I wish they would be quiet! I am thankful for the many little things they do for me. I am thankful that they complete my family.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I wanted to let everyone know how blessed I truly am!
Love, ME
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
I am pretty sure the only parenting book I am ever going to be qualified to write will be called : "What Not To Do As A Parent: A pathetic attempt to parent" by Queen Mommy. I am half serious but hopefully someone out there in this blogosphere can relate. Every turn seems to be a mistake....oops "an opportunity to learn". It doesn't feel like an opportunity for me to learn.....It feels like I am a complete failure.
Rosie will be Rosie. Always and forever my greatest CHALLENGE. There is never a dull day with her. Even when she is gone until 8pm with some one else...she comes home and it is go time again. BUT lucky for all of you...I am blogging about Marie!
Marie has been completely and totally emotionally disregulated. Doesn't that sound cool. It a phrase I have learned from the countless therapeutic people I have been around lately. I just love saying it.....It is a fancy way of saying she doesn't have the ability to get herself back into safe space..She can't regulate herself. It means lots of attitude, screaming, confrontation, nasty words, and crying...so much crying. And that is just me...hahaha...just kidding....
She is reliving and trying to process her past trauma. She has a teacher that somehow triggers a very bad trauma response. The woman is a drill sargent and also for some reason reminds my daughter of a past caretaker...who did not take care of her properly....The interactions between the two of them are never good. My daughter isn't dealing well with the situation and is completely falling apart in every part of her life. We are slowly working through all of this.
Her therapist has reminded her that your mind brings stuff back to the surface when it is ready to heal. So as hard as it is...what is happening is a good thing. We are making progress......slowly but steadily.
Asking for prayers for Marie....She is going through a tough time. It is part of what makes her the amazing survivor that she is! Asking for prayers for my husband and I, too. We have had a really tough week and this next week seems to be just as much of a bumpy ride....
Thinking and praying for all of you, too!
Love,
Queen Mommy
Rosie will be Rosie. Always and forever my greatest CHALLENGE. There is never a dull day with her. Even when she is gone until 8pm with some one else...she comes home and it is go time again. BUT lucky for all of you...I am blogging about Marie!
Marie has been completely and totally emotionally disregulated. Doesn't that sound cool. It a phrase I have learned from the countless therapeutic people I have been around lately. I just love saying it.....It is a fancy way of saying she doesn't have the ability to get herself back into safe space..She can't regulate herself. It means lots of attitude, screaming, confrontation, nasty words, and crying...so much crying. And that is just me...hahaha...just kidding....
She is reliving and trying to process her past trauma. She has a teacher that somehow triggers a very bad trauma response. The woman is a drill sargent and also for some reason reminds my daughter of a past caretaker...who did not take care of her properly....The interactions between the two of them are never good. My daughter isn't dealing well with the situation and is completely falling apart in every part of her life. We are slowly working through all of this.
Her therapist has reminded her that your mind brings stuff back to the surface when it is ready to heal. So as hard as it is...what is happening is a good thing. We are making progress......slowly but steadily.
Asking for prayers for Marie....She is going through a tough time. It is part of what makes her the amazing survivor that she is! Asking for prayers for my husband and I, too. We have had a really tough week and this next week seems to be just as much of a bumpy ride....
Thinking and praying for all of you, too!
Love,
Queen Mommy
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wishing My Life Away.
Hmmmmm....((( long sigh))) I am ashamed to say this but I wish most of my life away. I want to be the one that siezes every opportunity I have to have every experience I can possibly have but I am not that person.
I used to be the person that was always up for an adventure....I didn't plan the adventures but I was always willing to try new things. I loved going out and hanging with my friends. I hated being home alone and without something to do.
Then I became a parent. A parent of RADlings....And it seems as though this has all changed. And I don't by any stretch mean this negatively. In some respects it feels negative but it isn't a negative thing. I love, love, love, love my children. I would never, ever trade them in for the world. (although sometimes I do have a daydream about doing just that) But my life has been completely and utterly changed by my children.
I am richly blessed with my family. I have been taught many lessons by my children. Lessons many adults never learn. I have learned a higher level of compassion. I have learned that I am so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that there are so many things that seem unsurmountable, that really in the grand scheme of life, are really simply little blips on our paths. I have learned that parenting isn't easy. It is a full contact, time consuming, heart breaking, honorable, and unimaginably rewarding FULL TIME job. I have learned the unconditional love is the only type of love that I can give my children. I have learned that God had a greater purpose for my life than wealth and status. (and no there is nothing wrong with either of those things. Both are wonderful to have...though not on my path) I have learned that I am a great mother!
I have also learned that abuse sucks! Abuse can infiltrate every aspect of not just the abused person's life but the lives of those that love them. I have learned that neglect is just as a powerful. I have learned that matching socks are funny not embarassing. I have learned that my daughter's like to mess with adults that feel that they must always correct them. I have learned life isn't black and white. I have learned that I can still love someone who doesn't love me. I can forgive and forgive and forgive and love and love and love still. (remind you of anyone?)
what does this have to anything?
Not sure...Oh yes....Wishing....Hoping and Dreaming....
Raising Radlings is an adventure. It is also time consuming and everything changes on a dime. You can be on cloud 9 and three seconds later....you feel the heat of Hell near you.
In January, I wish for February. Before Holidays I wish for after Holidays. Before Birthays I wish for after Birthdays. School ends and I am ready for the second week already....See my pattern?
I am always wishing for the Quiet, Peaceful times to come. I am learning a new lesson now. Stop wishing life away.
I accept life with all of its bumps and bruises. I want to allow myself the ability to embrace the here and now....No more wishing it away...Just living my life... Am I making sense?
I think I meandered to far today in the blog BUT no more wishes...
Dreaming of peace and harmony!
K
I used to be the person that was always up for an adventure....I didn't plan the adventures but I was always willing to try new things. I loved going out and hanging with my friends. I hated being home alone and without something to do.
Then I became a parent. A parent of RADlings....And it seems as though this has all changed. And I don't by any stretch mean this negatively. In some respects it feels negative but it isn't a negative thing. I love, love, love, love my children. I would never, ever trade them in for the world. (although sometimes I do have a daydream about doing just that) But my life has been completely and utterly changed by my children.
I am richly blessed with my family. I have been taught many lessons by my children. Lessons many adults never learn. I have learned a higher level of compassion. I have learned that I am so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that there are so many things that seem unsurmountable, that really in the grand scheme of life, are really simply little blips on our paths. I have learned that parenting isn't easy. It is a full contact, time consuming, heart breaking, honorable, and unimaginably rewarding FULL TIME job. I have learned the unconditional love is the only type of love that I can give my children. I have learned that God had a greater purpose for my life than wealth and status. (and no there is nothing wrong with either of those things. Both are wonderful to have...though not on my path) I have learned that I am a great mother!
I have also learned that abuse sucks! Abuse can infiltrate every aspect of not just the abused person's life but the lives of those that love them. I have learned that neglect is just as a powerful. I have learned that matching socks are funny not embarassing. I have learned that my daughter's like to mess with adults that feel that they must always correct them. I have learned life isn't black and white. I have learned that I can still love someone who doesn't love me. I can forgive and forgive and forgive and love and love and love still. (remind you of anyone?)
what does this have to anything?
Not sure...Oh yes....Wishing....Hoping and Dreaming....
Raising Radlings is an adventure. It is also time consuming and everything changes on a dime. You can be on cloud 9 and three seconds later....you feel the heat of Hell near you.
In January, I wish for February. Before Holidays I wish for after Holidays. Before Birthays I wish for after Birthdays. School ends and I am ready for the second week already....See my pattern?
I am always wishing for the Quiet, Peaceful times to come. I am learning a new lesson now. Stop wishing life away.
I accept life with all of its bumps and bruises. I want to allow myself the ability to embrace the here and now....No more wishing it away...Just living my life... Am I making sense?
I think I meandered to far today in the blog BUT no more wishes...
Dreaming of peace and harmony!
K
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
And Away we go......
It is has been a very eventful summer. I can't really just pick one thing that has made it this way but it seems like one thing after another has happened. Some good and some bad. Some just plain interesting!
Yesterday was my little monkey's birthday. She was still asleep around 8 am and my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number but it was a Rhode Island number. I figured it was the number of someone I know....I picked it up and it was Monkey's Birth mom. I was stunned. Not so much because she called my cell phone, I had given her that number, but more so because she has always been so passive and ambivalent about contact with us.
The last conversation we had was quite disappointing. She seemed to try to gain power in the situation and was resistant to acknowledge that Rosie had any reason to have the issues she had. Which made me rethink my firm belief that in the appropriate situation birth family contact is positive.
After speaking with her yesterday, I was encouraged. We spoke quite in depth. We spoke about my little monkey's history. I was able to clear up some of my questions. She also agreed to spend time attending Rosie's therapy with us so that we can really help Rosie understand that this is her home and that her birthmother loves her but we are her parents. It was a freedom moment for me. To know that she understood and didn't hate me. Must sound silly to some people that I care what she thinks. But I do. I always have. It is her oppinion that matters most to my daughter. So if I have her approval....I begin to hope that my daughter will gain freedom of some sort. The Freedom to release herself from her fantasies.
Then my older Sweet pea overheard me speaking to my hubby about the phone call and she announced she too needed phone contact with her birth mom. What the heck right? One down, one to go.
As an aside. And for a clearing point. Neither Birthmothers abused these children. They were permissive in their parenting and they were addicts but neither were dangerous to their children. They made monumentally horrible decisions but in their own way, they loved their children. I don't feel that it is dangerous for these relationships. My daughters need to know the truth about their pasts to rise above them. All contact is heavily monitored by me and run by a therapist.
So we call her and have an amazing conversation with her also. She has moved and gotten herself out of a potentially dangerous relationship. I was so proud of her for being able to do something in her own best interest.
Both of these women are making strides towards healthy, fullfilling lives. And this can only benefit my children as they continue to try to figure out where their place in this world is.
So here we are, embarking on another adventure. Adoption brings so many challenges but also, so much hope for the future.
I wish you an adventurous day!
Be Well....
K
Yesterday was my little monkey's birthday. She was still asleep around 8 am and my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number but it was a Rhode Island number. I figured it was the number of someone I know....I picked it up and it was Monkey's Birth mom. I was stunned. Not so much because she called my cell phone, I had given her that number, but more so because she has always been so passive and ambivalent about contact with us.
The last conversation we had was quite disappointing. She seemed to try to gain power in the situation and was resistant to acknowledge that Rosie had any reason to have the issues she had. Which made me rethink my firm belief that in the appropriate situation birth family contact is positive.
After speaking with her yesterday, I was encouraged. We spoke quite in depth. We spoke about my little monkey's history. I was able to clear up some of my questions. She also agreed to spend time attending Rosie's therapy with us so that we can really help Rosie understand that this is her home and that her birthmother loves her but we are her parents. It was a freedom moment for me. To know that she understood and didn't hate me. Must sound silly to some people that I care what she thinks. But I do. I always have. It is her oppinion that matters most to my daughter. So if I have her approval....I begin to hope that my daughter will gain freedom of some sort. The Freedom to release herself from her fantasies.
Then my older Sweet pea overheard me speaking to my hubby about the phone call and she announced she too needed phone contact with her birth mom. What the heck right? One down, one to go.
As an aside. And for a clearing point. Neither Birthmothers abused these children. They were permissive in their parenting and they were addicts but neither were dangerous to their children. They made monumentally horrible decisions but in their own way, they loved their children. I don't feel that it is dangerous for these relationships. My daughters need to know the truth about their pasts to rise above them. All contact is heavily monitored by me and run by a therapist.
So we call her and have an amazing conversation with her also. She has moved and gotten herself out of a potentially dangerous relationship. I was so proud of her for being able to do something in her own best interest.
Both of these women are making strides towards healthy, fullfilling lives. And this can only benefit my children as they continue to try to figure out where their place in this world is.
So here we are, embarking on another adventure. Adoption brings so many challenges but also, so much hope for the future.
I wish you an adventurous day!
Be Well....
K
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Trauma, Trauma GO AWAY!
I am going to tread very lightly on this subject and I am going to spare my daughter the pain of sharing anything to personal. Trauma is very much a part of my daughter's history. Both children. In our house, we do not refer to them as victims but as survivors because they have survived it! We don't allow our children the crutch of victimhood. It is a poison and toxic entity that "thing" called victimhood.
That isn't to say that we don't mourn for the innocence lost. It doesn't mean we don't kiss their emotional boo boos and help them process what they remember. We go to therapy......constantly....We have structure and we have boundaries. We have a safe home and we are proactive with everything we do with our children. But sometimes....the Trauma is more powerful. The memories haunt them like an evil entity within their minds. They somehow become held captive inside their own minds.
My youngest child breaks my heart daily. I have at length discussed the heartache that she brings with her. She is so beholden to her Trauma, Anger, and Shame that she has totally disassociated herself from certain parts of reality. The "reality" she can handle is hugs, cuddles and freedom. The "reality" that she refuses is love, family, trust, safety, peace and rules.
The problem becomes what comes of this? Where does this land us? We have an older daughter that has squashed her "demons". She is no longer beholden to the Shame and Anger from her Trauma....She has begun to blossom into a beautiful young woman. She stumbles...And her stumbles are big...BUT they are still just stumbles. We get up and move on. My younger daughter....may never be to that place. Where is that line drawn? When is it too much for one family to handle?
Obviously, we love her. Who in their right mind would go through this nightmare without loving her and being fully engaged in her healing. But it wears on me. It is wearing on me now. I am very frustrated. I have been for months now. I am now in my own pattern of shame and guilt. I become ashamed and feel very guilty when I get angry with her. I think I could be a better mother...I could do things better in some other parallel universe OR if I were more patient or more kind or more loving or more of this or more of that! Which really isn't logical! My husband and I are the best parents that we can possibly be. And I am very proud of the job we are doing.
I find that is what I struggle most with. I feel that being the best parent I can be isn't enough. So much of their healing is out of my control. It is within their control. They have to get to the right place emotionally that they can heal. Sometimes, that is slow. I want to just all of their hurt and pain and erase it from their brain. I wish I could take the pacer magnet at work and rub it on their heads....It could erase all the bad stuff and leave the great stuff.
Of course, that isn't happening. Their past is part of who they are. For the bad and for the good. My kids are survivors. My kids, I surmise, could survive almost anything. They have had to learn this skill..which isn't a negative skill....It is really an amazing gift our children have been given.
I am raising my survivors to know they are survivors....I pray that they realize this so that they will be able to allow themselves to heal.
I haven't written in so long...I have much to tell you....Miss you....I hope you haven't forgotten me!
Be Well!
Queen Mommy
That isn't to say that we don't mourn for the innocence lost. It doesn't mean we don't kiss their emotional boo boos and help them process what they remember. We go to therapy......constantly....We have structure and we have boundaries. We have a safe home and we are proactive with everything we do with our children. But sometimes....the Trauma is more powerful. The memories haunt them like an evil entity within their minds. They somehow become held captive inside their own minds.
My youngest child breaks my heart daily. I have at length discussed the heartache that she brings with her. She is so beholden to her Trauma, Anger, and Shame that she has totally disassociated herself from certain parts of reality. The "reality" she can handle is hugs, cuddles and freedom. The "reality" that she refuses is love, family, trust, safety, peace and rules.
The problem becomes what comes of this? Where does this land us? We have an older daughter that has squashed her "demons". She is no longer beholden to the Shame and Anger from her Trauma....She has begun to blossom into a beautiful young woman. She stumbles...And her stumbles are big...BUT they are still just stumbles. We get up and move on. My younger daughter....may never be to that place. Where is that line drawn? When is it too much for one family to handle?
Obviously, we love her. Who in their right mind would go through this nightmare without loving her and being fully engaged in her healing. But it wears on me. It is wearing on me now. I am very frustrated. I have been for months now. I am now in my own pattern of shame and guilt. I become ashamed and feel very guilty when I get angry with her. I think I could be a better mother...I could do things better in some other parallel universe OR if I were more patient or more kind or more loving or more of this or more of that! Which really isn't logical! My husband and I are the best parents that we can possibly be. And I am very proud of the job we are doing.
I find that is what I struggle most with. I feel that being the best parent I can be isn't enough. So much of their healing is out of my control. It is within their control. They have to get to the right place emotionally that they can heal. Sometimes, that is slow. I want to just all of their hurt and pain and erase it from their brain. I wish I could take the pacer magnet at work and rub it on their heads....It could erase all the bad stuff and leave the great stuff.
Of course, that isn't happening. Their past is part of who they are. For the bad and for the good. My kids are survivors. My kids, I surmise, could survive almost anything. They have had to learn this skill..which isn't a negative skill....It is really an amazing gift our children have been given.
I am raising my survivors to know they are survivors....I pray that they realize this so that they will be able to allow themselves to heal.
I haven't written in so long...I have much to tell you....Miss you....I hope you haven't forgotten me!
Be Well!
Queen Mommy
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Mommy..exactly when did you go to Doctor College?
I am going to tell you a long hidden secret....I am a know it all. Yes, I know you can't tell from my blog but I am a smarty pants know it all. So are my beautiful, strong, outspoken daughters. Older people frequently say that your children are payback for what you did to your own parents. Well, in many areas of their behavior, I would have to say I got mixed up with someone else. I should have the polite, well mannered, not farting and burping, not swearing, lying, manipulating kids. But God gave the opposite to me...... Then they use their mouth. They say something really funny, snarky, biting or generally smart pants like and I realize this is totally payback for the way I was with my parents!
So sometimes I daydream about what will be exacted on my daughters by their children...I smile and laugh aloud, then I decide....they don't need this crap! No one does!
One of my daughters is very insecure and needy. She always needs you to stroke her ego. It is a full time job to make her feel loved. I think I do a terrible job with it. She frustrates me beyond belief at how high maintenance she is. I love her, I do things all day everyday to show her I love her and yet it is never enough. She is a black hole that sucks everything around her into the whirling chaos of her mind.
She used to be a puker. She would puke to gain sympathy. It didn't work for very long, so then she faked illness. Headaches, tummy aches, toe aches, thigh pain. You name it she faked it. Then this summer she has taken a drastic turn to real injuries. She got cellulitis from a bug bite. She was put on an antibiotic and told not to scratch again. A week later she "fell" and came home from camp all scraped up. A week later she sat in front of me and scratched her leg so badly that she once again landed at the doctor's with cellulitis. Then last week she came home limping AGAIN.
I looked at her ankle. There was no laceration, no bruising, no swelling, nothing. Yet her limp persisted. Sometimes she is so committed to her story that she begins to make me doubt myself. Yes, she is that gooooood! I hugged her and told her she was ok but if it really hurt, to put ice on it and put it up on the couch. She was happy with that for ten minutes until she was bored. She complained again and I reassured her that she was ok. Then she said it.....
" Mommy, ummmmmm, exactly when did you go to Doctor College?"
Now, I know you are all going to sit in judgement of me. This isn't exactly the most therapeutic conversation to ever go down....But at that moment, after HOURS of hearing this same junk about the ankle...
"um and where did you get yours , Ms Smarty pants?"
She rolled her eyes and I went on to say other useless stuff....Neither her or I could remember if we tried.
I am not sure what upset me more was her smart mouth OR how unbelievably clever that was. The fact that she came up with that so fast is actually amazing...I couldn't come up with a response...all I had was "nanny nanny boo boo"
I am afraid for the future...She will be merciless and I will have to be on my toes....
Matt and I never wanted "dumb" kids but now I am not sure I really want smart ones either....lol
Be Well....
So sometimes I daydream about what will be exacted on my daughters by their children...I smile and laugh aloud, then I decide....they don't need this crap! No one does!
One of my daughters is very insecure and needy. She always needs you to stroke her ego. It is a full time job to make her feel loved. I think I do a terrible job with it. She frustrates me beyond belief at how high maintenance she is. I love her, I do things all day everyday to show her I love her and yet it is never enough. She is a black hole that sucks everything around her into the whirling chaos of her mind.
She used to be a puker. She would puke to gain sympathy. It didn't work for very long, so then she faked illness. Headaches, tummy aches, toe aches, thigh pain. You name it she faked it. Then this summer she has taken a drastic turn to real injuries. She got cellulitis from a bug bite. She was put on an antibiotic and told not to scratch again. A week later she "fell" and came home from camp all scraped up. A week later she sat in front of me and scratched her leg so badly that she once again landed at the doctor's with cellulitis. Then last week she came home limping AGAIN.
I looked at her ankle. There was no laceration, no bruising, no swelling, nothing. Yet her limp persisted. Sometimes she is so committed to her story that she begins to make me doubt myself. Yes, she is that gooooood! I hugged her and told her she was ok but if it really hurt, to put ice on it and put it up on the couch. She was happy with that for ten minutes until she was bored. She complained again and I reassured her that she was ok. Then she said it.....
" Mommy, ummmmmm, exactly when did you go to Doctor College?"
Now, I know you are all going to sit in judgement of me. This isn't exactly the most therapeutic conversation to ever go down....But at that moment, after HOURS of hearing this same junk about the ankle...
"um and where did you get yours , Ms Smarty pants?"
She rolled her eyes and I went on to say other useless stuff....Neither her or I could remember if we tried.
I am not sure what upset me more was her smart mouth OR how unbelievably clever that was. The fact that she came up with that so fast is actually amazing...I couldn't come up with a response...all I had was "nanny nanny boo boo"
I am afraid for the future...She will be merciless and I will have to be on my toes....
Matt and I never wanted "dumb" kids but now I am not sure I really want smart ones either....lol
Be Well....
Monday, July 20, 2009
Baby, My Baby!
My sister is pregnant. Around 30 weeks. It is a very exciting time for our family. We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new little munchkin. I am so happy for her and my brother in law. They are going to be great parents. This child is coming into a wonderful family with lots of extended family to spoil him.
My sister was over at our house on Saturday night. We had girl time. It was nice to have her all to myself. Which is a rarity. I have my own family and obligations, as she does. I was always her little mother hen growing up. She slept in my bed with me, played dolls with me and I even stayed home with her when she was sick. As much as I thought I hated it...I have to admit I loved that she depended on me so greatly. Secretly I may even wish she still needed me.
AND that has absolutely nothing to do with what this post is about! lol
I got to touch my sister's lovely mama belly. I felt the baby move and react to us. It was so amazing. I cried. She also had a 4D US done and we watched the DVD. It was so wonderful to see him. We can already make out whose lips he has and who his chin resembles. Simply wonderous. Magnificent and truly a gift. I am really so thrilled for my baby sister.
When we were discussing who the baby looked like, I thought his nose was like my daughters. Which is funny considering they have no biological connection. So later that night I couldn't go to sleep thinking about my own children. They are so much like us and have actually become so much like us that they have begun to take on a physical resemblance to us. Which is neat. Obviously there are definite differences, I am not naive or living in dreamland.
My older daughter has black hair, brown eyes and olive skin, like my husband. My younger daughter has light/medium brown hair, blue eyes and very fair skinned, like me. My older daughter has a round face, like me. My younger daughter has my husbands toes. Both girls have a button nose like me. My older daughter is hirsute like me and the young one has less hair like my husband. It is amazing to me that God gave me two children that have so many similarities to us.
Perhaps in my mind, I know they are my children so I assume they look like me. They have taken on many of our mannerisms, our likes and dislikes. We laugh at similar things and we are moved to tears by the same things.
Adoption of older children, should not work.. too much baggage...too much pain...too much trauma....too much time apart. But amazingly enough....It can work...It can create that miracle of a forever family.
I probably rambled and made little sense. But today...I had to remember the good. Enjoy the good....embrace the good and radically accept it all.
Be Well....
K
My sister was over at our house on Saturday night. We had girl time. It was nice to have her all to myself. Which is a rarity. I have my own family and obligations, as she does. I was always her little mother hen growing up. She slept in my bed with me, played dolls with me and I even stayed home with her when she was sick. As much as I thought I hated it...I have to admit I loved that she depended on me so greatly. Secretly I may even wish she still needed me.
AND that has absolutely nothing to do with what this post is about! lol
I got to touch my sister's lovely mama belly. I felt the baby move and react to us. It was so amazing. I cried. She also had a 4D US done and we watched the DVD. It was so wonderful to see him. We can already make out whose lips he has and who his chin resembles. Simply wonderous. Magnificent and truly a gift. I am really so thrilled for my baby sister.
When we were discussing who the baby looked like, I thought his nose was like my daughters. Which is funny considering they have no biological connection. So later that night I couldn't go to sleep thinking about my own children. They are so much like us and have actually become so much like us that they have begun to take on a physical resemblance to us. Which is neat. Obviously there are definite differences, I am not naive or living in dreamland.
My older daughter has black hair, brown eyes and olive skin, like my husband. My younger daughter has light/medium brown hair, blue eyes and very fair skinned, like me. My older daughter has a round face, like me. My younger daughter has my husbands toes. Both girls have a button nose like me. My older daughter is hirsute like me and the young one has less hair like my husband. It is amazing to me that God gave me two children that have so many similarities to us.
Perhaps in my mind, I know they are my children so I assume they look like me. They have taken on many of our mannerisms, our likes and dislikes. We laugh at similar things and we are moved to tears by the same things.
Adoption of older children, should not work.. too much baggage...too much pain...too much trauma....too much time apart. But amazingly enough....It can work...It can create that miracle of a forever family.
I probably rambled and made little sense. But today...I had to remember the good. Enjoy the good....embrace the good and radically accept it all.
Be Well....
K
Friday, July 17, 2009
If I just......She would love me...
I find myself falling into this trap. I keep thinking if I am calmer, quieter, sweeter, more generous....etc, she will love me and accept me as her mother. The truth of the matter is I can't make her love me. I cannot will her to love me and accept me as her mother. I am a great mother. I am patient and kind and more than fair with her. I nurture her and keep her safe. I am proud of my effort and I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent. Yet that has nothing to do with her acceptance of the situation.
I am realizing this more as she grows up. It is kind of like when you really, really, really like someone and they don't share your love. You can't do anything to change that. You will never be their object of affection, no matter what your course of action is. Eventually you move on and find someone to love....
Only in my scenario. It will be years before I move on. I feel as though it is a gaping wound that is constantly scratched at. And every day is a reminder of my sad little girl's fight for her life. It is frustrating to love someone so much that your heart aches and to know there is no reciprocation. She won't allow herself to, she can't. We struggle everyday back and forth. Our heart breaking with the realism that we have to have in parenting her.
Everyday I hope that we will have a breakthrough. We continue to hope against all odds that she won't be a statistic. That our family won't become a statistic. As the days go on...I notice more and more that we are replacing our idealism with realism. Back to that thing called Radical Acceptance. Accepting things as they are. Which is a lesson I am practicing every day.
I was asked once again last night, was I ready to accept her. Truly accept her and to continue to love and care for her knowing that more likely than not...It will not end as we hope.
I guess that is my question today.....Does anyone else face these thoughts? Does anyone else continue to hope and pray for the good outcome while knowing all along...most likely it won't be that way? I just would appreciate feedback.
I am slowly coming to terms with these things. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have these feelings and thoughts and then most of the time I wonder "who wouldn't feel this way? It is her issue, not mine"
Yet I am her mother and I love her forever. She will always be my little monkey, no matter the outcome.
More to come...
Be Well,
K
I am realizing this more as she grows up. It is kind of like when you really, really, really like someone and they don't share your love. You can't do anything to change that. You will never be their object of affection, no matter what your course of action is. Eventually you move on and find someone to love....
Only in my scenario. It will be years before I move on. I feel as though it is a gaping wound that is constantly scratched at. And every day is a reminder of my sad little girl's fight for her life. It is frustrating to love someone so much that your heart aches and to know there is no reciprocation. She won't allow herself to, she can't. We struggle everyday back and forth. Our heart breaking with the realism that we have to have in parenting her.
Everyday I hope that we will have a breakthrough. We continue to hope against all odds that she won't be a statistic. That our family won't become a statistic. As the days go on...I notice more and more that we are replacing our idealism with realism. Back to that thing called Radical Acceptance. Accepting things as they are. Which is a lesson I am practicing every day.
I was asked once again last night, was I ready to accept her. Truly accept her and to continue to love and care for her knowing that more likely than not...It will not end as we hope.
I guess that is my question today.....Does anyone else face these thoughts? Does anyone else continue to hope and pray for the good outcome while knowing all along...most likely it won't be that way? I just would appreciate feedback.
I am slowly coming to terms with these things. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have these feelings and thoughts and then most of the time I wonder "who wouldn't feel this way? It is her issue, not mine"
Yet I am her mother and I love her forever. She will always be my little monkey, no matter the outcome.
More to come...
Be Well,
K
Saturday, July 4, 2009
And So It goes.....Part 2
I am sure you were all waiting at the edge of your seat for the conclusion of my saga...I should have some dramatic music playing with my blog....hahhaa...man I crack myself up.
I left where the police left...
I cried when they left. I absolutely broke down crying. The thought of DCF intruding into my life again, was devastating to me. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way but I have the fear that someone will call 911 or DCF because of my children's meltdowns. I fear that the judgment of others could have my children taken away from me. In reality both children would be more than slightly difficult to place so the odds of that really happening is quite slim. Our offense would have to be horrible but in my mind the possibility still exists. Perhaps it comes from the way I adopted my children. Perhaps it is their fear and trauma that has seeped into my being. Their birth mothers had their children taken from them..It isn't a normal or logical train of thought but it plagues me.
I got myself together and went to speak to my children. They sat silently in the living room as my husband paced. Everyone thinking about the two looming events...DCF investigating and going to Court. Deep breath! Deep Breath! I explained to Marie that we were angry at the turn of events but we were still her parents, we still loved her, we were still going to keep her safe and most of all our commitment to her remained the same. We explained to Rose that we hoped she learned a valuable lesson from Marie's choices and that she didn't want to make the same choices....
The next day...everyone had calmed down for the most part. Marie came to lay with me in my bed and to cuddle. She has spent a great deal of time over the last month needing comfort from me. Which is a good thing that has come out of this. Rose came to lay with us also. When she saw that I was comforting Marie, she began to whine that she was in a great deal of pain where Marie had hit her and that she may have a broken bone. I have to be honest, I was not very impressed with her. I was actually quite angry. I had to breath and close my eyes. The fact of the matter was that she was fine. I had extensively checked her over the day before. I made sure she was ok and now to get her own needs met she was already trying to manipulate to her own end.
I struggle a great deal with the fine line between showing comfort and nurturing them and coddling them. They need my love and my patience but they also need to learn to find positive ways to deal with anger and loneliness. My two children constantly battle for position with me. If I show kindness to one the other feels great rejection and vice versa. I have slowly learned I can't please everyone...I can only be the best mom I can be and the rest they have to figure out on their own.
We are always growing and learning new things. We have to adjust our thinking and our game plan to what is happening in our home. My husband is very rigid so this has been a constant struggle for him. He has really learned to go with the flow. We have really become a stronger couple by dealing with all of this drama. I feel bad for those around us. It must be frustrating for those who want to be part of our family and we cancel plans constantly, we change plans at the last minute constantly, we just plain aren't very reliable to have fun with. I feel bad that it can be disappointing but my children are most important and I have to make decisions based on where they are.
This isn't what I planned on talking about....Such is life....
Just so you know....DCF screened our case out...no investigation and the Clerk Magistrate dismissed all charges, as though we were never there....Life is getting back to normal now....
Well OUR normal....
Happy 4th of July!
Be Well.....K
I left where the police left...
I cried when they left. I absolutely broke down crying. The thought of DCF intruding into my life again, was devastating to me. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way but I have the fear that someone will call 911 or DCF because of my children's meltdowns. I fear that the judgment of others could have my children taken away from me. In reality both children would be more than slightly difficult to place so the odds of that really happening is quite slim. Our offense would have to be horrible but in my mind the possibility still exists. Perhaps it comes from the way I adopted my children. Perhaps it is their fear and trauma that has seeped into my being. Their birth mothers had their children taken from them..It isn't a normal or logical train of thought but it plagues me.
I got myself together and went to speak to my children. They sat silently in the living room as my husband paced. Everyone thinking about the two looming events...DCF investigating and going to Court. Deep breath! Deep Breath! I explained to Marie that we were angry at the turn of events but we were still her parents, we still loved her, we were still going to keep her safe and most of all our commitment to her remained the same. We explained to Rose that we hoped she learned a valuable lesson from Marie's choices and that she didn't want to make the same choices....
The next day...everyone had calmed down for the most part. Marie came to lay with me in my bed and to cuddle. She has spent a great deal of time over the last month needing comfort from me. Which is a good thing that has come out of this. Rose came to lay with us also. When she saw that I was comforting Marie, she began to whine that she was in a great deal of pain where Marie had hit her and that she may have a broken bone. I have to be honest, I was not very impressed with her. I was actually quite angry. I had to breath and close my eyes. The fact of the matter was that she was fine. I had extensively checked her over the day before. I made sure she was ok and now to get her own needs met she was already trying to manipulate to her own end.
I struggle a great deal with the fine line between showing comfort and nurturing them and coddling them. They need my love and my patience but they also need to learn to find positive ways to deal with anger and loneliness. My two children constantly battle for position with me. If I show kindness to one the other feels great rejection and vice versa. I have slowly learned I can't please everyone...I can only be the best mom I can be and the rest they have to figure out on their own.
We are always growing and learning new things. We have to adjust our thinking and our game plan to what is happening in our home. My husband is very rigid so this has been a constant struggle for him. He has really learned to go with the flow. We have really become a stronger couple by dealing with all of this drama. I feel bad for those around us. It must be frustrating for those who want to be part of our family and we cancel plans constantly, we change plans at the last minute constantly, we just plain aren't very reliable to have fun with. I feel bad that it can be disappointing but my children are most important and I have to make decisions based on where they are.
This isn't what I planned on talking about....Such is life....
Just so you know....DCF screened our case out...no investigation and the Clerk Magistrate dismissed all charges, as though we were never there....Life is getting back to normal now....
Well OUR normal....
Happy 4th of July!
Be Well.....K
Friday, July 3, 2009
And So It goes.....Part 1
This was a stressful week...Duhhh...K....aren't they all stressful? This one was particularly stressful for our family.
Let me break it down for you so that you feel empathy for me.....lol...because that is what I need...
Marie has a mood disorder. Which when she is happy is great because she is crazy...She if funny, engaging, and just a true joy but when she becomes depressive, she becomes unconsolable. You can't find a single way to break her negative thought process. It used to just be the euphoria that we encountered....Which we knew could end in explosive anger also...But most times euphoria can be redirected. The depression has become very destructive to all of us. It is so very frustrating to deal with this depression which is a new facet of her mood disorder...
That was a sidebar anyhow.... Back to my story...oops excuse for not blogging....
On or around June 6, there was quite abit of stress in our house. My husband's nephew's baby had died and he went to the memorial. The children were aware of this and for some reason, I am sure easily explainable, this brings them back to their own sense of loss and a huge trauma trigger. Rose was off her rocker in a huge way. She was completely not interested in participating in the family dynamic on any level. That had been going on for over a month by the 6th of June. Marie got a bad progress report the week before followed by a three day suspension and Saturday detention. Marie's therapist also went on maternity leave at the end of May. Then came June 6th.
On June 6th, Marie had to serve her Saturday detention. After which, my husband picked her up and stopped at Subway for lunch. While they were picking lunch up, a kind fellow driver hit my husband's car and fled the scene. A kind woman witnessed it and let my husband know the license plate number. So my husband rushed my daughter home and he went to the Police Station to deal with all of that.
While all of that was happening, I was at home with Rose. By that date, she had accrued 30+ hours of "Fixing It" time so I was watching over her fixes....When Marie walked in, she found Rose and I on the floor attempting to fix the vacuum cleaner, which to a child with RAD is favoritism and isolating the other child. apparently this was crucial to the following events.....
I got up from what I was doing and got lunch with the girls. Of course, I was watching something useful on TV like the Real Housewives of New Jersey...=) I asked Marie some randomly useless question while we ate. I could tell she was upset about my husband's car so I was trying to get her out of that mindspace...
She began to just escalate rapidly and without notice. HOLY CRAP! She began to scream and cry uncontrollably. Of course, my adrenaline also goes up...I asked her if she wanted to take a walk...she refused...I asked her if she wanted to take space in my room or her room (we live in an apt and my room becomes a calm down room when they both get wound...My room is darker and quieter than anywhere else....) I asked to come sit next to me so she could feel my love and safety sitting next to her...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! she was storming around throwing things and screaming...I really tried my hardest to ignore her.
She announced that she wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval....I said no...she was too old to continue to use the hospital as a safety net. We loved her and could help her with her processing....she refused ....so now she is totally in meltdown mode....honestly, I had pulled out every therapeutic trick I had in my bag. The calm voice, the sing songy voice, the stern and in control voice...NOTHING!
She was becoming more enraged with every word that we uttered or didn't utter....Rose walked back into the living room from the bathroom and Marie made a B line for her...Punched her in the arm and then kicked her in the leg....Rose kind of whined but came to me for comfort...Marie screamed "NOW take me to the ER" I said no and asked for her cell phone. I had her cell, my cell, Rose's cell and my husband's cell in my hands. She demanded one of them back to call 911...I refused...soooo she found the home phone and played with it...
I still wasn't dressed from the morning of chores, so i sat there knowing that just like every other time she had threatened to call 911, she would chicken out....well she dials 911 and I hear "911 what is your emergency". I stand up and went to get in the shower...Had to be clean and dressed when the officers came right. Who knows what she said to them...all I could think was...Great now we will be in the local Police Blotter!!! Thank God no one I know will read that paper....lol
I got dressed and the officers showed up. She was a true punk at first. The officer took us outside and told us we could have her arrested or he would file charges himself. I told him we would not press charges. He offered to Rose to file a restraining order...Why he did that after I told him they both had emotional issues, I have no idea but whatever. The officer also made us aware of the fact that they had to call DCF...
After speaking with us in the hall, he went back in to speak with Marie. She was still cocky until he said he might cuff her depending on his assessment of her ability to remain calm...She straightened up and said she could keep it together and wouldn't need them again...So I had to sign domestic violence forms and he left.
DCF would call us and we would receive a summons in the mail for a court date. Lucky us right?
I am going to save the ending for my next blog...
At this point, I am going to tell you that five minutes after the police left, BOTH girls were playing together and having a grand time...No Biggie. Meanwhile, my hubby and I were crapping in our pants....lol.... Growing up my husband and I were "goody goodies". We were too afraid to do anything wrong. I never drank, no drugs, no skipping curfew, no sex, we were sooooooo innocent! Which I am glad of now but makes it hard to relate to my trouble magnets!
I have learned that I can deal with it. It could be so much worse! My girls are good girls. They want to do the right thing...for some reason they just don't make the right choices when they count. I have to accept that and realize that I can use the mistakes as teachable moments. Which I have tried my hardest to do over the last month.
I have tried to be an example of unfailing, unconditional love to them. I have tried to be resilient and pliable. I have tried to be patient and full of mercy. These are the lessons they must learn from me. They don't need my anger or wrath...I was angry but my love was bigger. They both have struggled with accepting that but it seems to be getting through now.
I have other things to share but this is already long enough...I will finish my saga tomorrow...and share more lessons!
Please be well....K
Let me break it down for you so that you feel empathy for me.....lol...because that is what I need...
Marie has a mood disorder. Which when she is happy is great because she is crazy...She if funny, engaging, and just a true joy but when she becomes depressive, she becomes unconsolable. You can't find a single way to break her negative thought process. It used to just be the euphoria that we encountered....Which we knew could end in explosive anger also...But most times euphoria can be redirected. The depression has become very destructive to all of us. It is so very frustrating to deal with this depression which is a new facet of her mood disorder...
That was a sidebar anyhow.... Back to my story...oops excuse for not blogging....
On or around June 6, there was quite abit of stress in our house. My husband's nephew's baby had died and he went to the memorial. The children were aware of this and for some reason, I am sure easily explainable, this brings them back to their own sense of loss and a huge trauma trigger. Rose was off her rocker in a huge way. She was completely not interested in participating in the family dynamic on any level. That had been going on for over a month by the 6th of June. Marie got a bad progress report the week before followed by a three day suspension and Saturday detention. Marie's therapist also went on maternity leave at the end of May. Then came June 6th.
On June 6th, Marie had to serve her Saturday detention. After which, my husband picked her up and stopped at Subway for lunch. While they were picking lunch up, a kind fellow driver hit my husband's car and fled the scene. A kind woman witnessed it and let my husband know the license plate number. So my husband rushed my daughter home and he went to the Police Station to deal with all of that.
While all of that was happening, I was at home with Rose. By that date, she had accrued 30+ hours of "Fixing It" time so I was watching over her fixes....When Marie walked in, she found Rose and I on the floor attempting to fix the vacuum cleaner, which to a child with RAD is favoritism and isolating the other child. apparently this was crucial to the following events.....
I got up from what I was doing and got lunch with the girls. Of course, I was watching something useful on TV like the Real Housewives of New Jersey...=) I asked Marie some randomly useless question while we ate. I could tell she was upset about my husband's car so I was trying to get her out of that mindspace...
She began to just escalate rapidly and without notice. HOLY CRAP! She began to scream and cry uncontrollably. Of course, my adrenaline also goes up...I asked her if she wanted to take a walk...she refused...I asked her if she wanted to take space in my room or her room (we live in an apt and my room becomes a calm down room when they both get wound...My room is darker and quieter than anywhere else....) I asked to come sit next to me so she could feel my love and safety sitting next to her...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! she was storming around throwing things and screaming...I really tried my hardest to ignore her.
She announced that she wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval....I said no...she was too old to continue to use the hospital as a safety net. We loved her and could help her with her processing....she refused ....so now she is totally in meltdown mode....honestly, I had pulled out every therapeutic trick I had in my bag. The calm voice, the sing songy voice, the stern and in control voice...NOTHING!
She was becoming more enraged with every word that we uttered or didn't utter....Rose walked back into the living room from the bathroom and Marie made a B line for her...Punched her in the arm and then kicked her in the leg....Rose kind of whined but came to me for comfort...Marie screamed "NOW take me to the ER" I said no and asked for her cell phone. I had her cell, my cell, Rose's cell and my husband's cell in my hands. She demanded one of them back to call 911...I refused...soooo she found the home phone and played with it...
I still wasn't dressed from the morning of chores, so i sat there knowing that just like every other time she had threatened to call 911, she would chicken out....well she dials 911 and I hear "911 what is your emergency". I stand up and went to get in the shower...Had to be clean and dressed when the officers came right. Who knows what she said to them...all I could think was...Great now we will be in the local Police Blotter!!! Thank God no one I know will read that paper....lol
I got dressed and the officers showed up. She was a true punk at first. The officer took us outside and told us we could have her arrested or he would file charges himself. I told him we would not press charges. He offered to Rose to file a restraining order...Why he did that after I told him they both had emotional issues, I have no idea but whatever. The officer also made us aware of the fact that they had to call DCF...
After speaking with us in the hall, he went back in to speak with Marie. She was still cocky until he said he might cuff her depending on his assessment of her ability to remain calm...She straightened up and said she could keep it together and wouldn't need them again...So I had to sign domestic violence forms and he left.
DCF would call us and we would receive a summons in the mail for a court date. Lucky us right?
I am going to save the ending for my next blog...
At this point, I am going to tell you that five minutes after the police left, BOTH girls were playing together and having a grand time...No Biggie. Meanwhile, my hubby and I were crapping in our pants....lol.... Growing up my husband and I were "goody goodies". We were too afraid to do anything wrong. I never drank, no drugs, no skipping curfew, no sex, we were sooooooo innocent! Which I am glad of now but makes it hard to relate to my trouble magnets!
I have learned that I can deal with it. It could be so much worse! My girls are good girls. They want to do the right thing...for some reason they just don't make the right choices when they count. I have to accept that and realize that I can use the mistakes as teachable moments. Which I have tried my hardest to do over the last month.
I have tried to be an example of unfailing, unconditional love to them. I have tried to be resilient and pliable. I have tried to be patient and full of mercy. These are the lessons they must learn from me. They don't need my anger or wrath...I was angry but my love was bigger. They both have struggled with accepting that but it seems to be getting through now.
I have other things to share but this is already long enough...I will finish my saga tomorrow...and share more lessons!
Please be well....K
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thinking my life away.....
I am a thinker. I think all of the time? There are always thoughts racing through my head. I wake up in the middle of the night because of something I thought of because I was dreaming about it. I have to turn talk radio on so that I have to concentrate on something other than my thoughts in my car. Otherwise who knows where I would end up when I get in the car.
I am also a multi tasker.....I do many things at once and usually have a high rate of completion. I even multitask when I am relaxing....I read a book, listen to music and think.....I watch "House" on two networks, play on facebook, talk to my husband, and think....
I daydream, too. My head is in the clouds most of the time. It makes me highly flakey and a very bad friend. I am spontaneous and very impulsive. I want what I want and can bully sometimes because I don't get my own way. Which who knows what that makes me...I don't even want to THINK about that.
I think about how good of a mother I am. Or am I a good wife. I think about what else could we possibly do to help our children heal. I think about how the stress of raising RADlings will affect my marriage in the long term. I think about how raising my RADlings has already affected my life. I think about what could have been and I think about what will be in the future.
I think about so many things that I am exhausted. I can't turn my brain off. So now I am thinking that I think too much...I must waste so much of my time just thinking about stuff....About things I can't change now and about things that I can't stop from happening.
My kids are what they are. I can't think them different. I can't do some sort of mind meld to change them. If I could...I would make a killing by selling my services. Oh well...
Now, I am thinking that I may have wasted your time....Just thinking again!
Be well!
I am also a multi tasker.....I do many things at once and usually have a high rate of completion. I even multitask when I am relaxing....I read a book, listen to music and think.....I watch "House" on two networks, play on facebook, talk to my husband, and think....
I daydream, too. My head is in the clouds most of the time. It makes me highly flakey and a very bad friend. I am spontaneous and very impulsive. I want what I want and can bully sometimes because I don't get my own way. Which who knows what that makes me...I don't even want to THINK about that.
I think about how good of a mother I am. Or am I a good wife. I think about what else could we possibly do to help our children heal. I think about how the stress of raising RADlings will affect my marriage in the long term. I think about how raising my RADlings has already affected my life. I think about what could have been and I think about what will be in the future.
I think about so many things that I am exhausted. I can't turn my brain off. So now I am thinking that I think too much...I must waste so much of my time just thinking about stuff....About things I can't change now and about things that I can't stop from happening.
My kids are what they are. I can't think them different. I can't do some sort of mind meld to change them. If I could...I would make a killing by selling my services. Oh well...
Now, I am thinking that I may have wasted your time....Just thinking again!
Be well!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Are you serious?
I believe I received this message when my 15 yo daughter texted me THREE times today and called FOUR times while I was at work....At work at a job that frowns on cell phone use...this is the most persuasive argument against teens with cell phones! =)
First....UPDATE on Rosie and the infamous capris.. lol....she did wear them to school. But as I correctly suspected...It was a one and done...."Um....they are really comfortable but...um...they are way too loose...I need it to be tighter to my legs..you know, like the rest of the NORMAL kids" Whatever that means....lol....See Ocean State Job Lots is the best place to buy what I am starting to call the one and doners.....lol
Onto the fun of Marie!
Marie is my spirited child. She is vivacious, exuberant, fiesty, sassy, outspoken, impulsive, headstrong, loud, infectious laugh, a smile that lights up the room and eyes that twinkle with mischief....She was the miracle I prayed God would send us....but she also struggles in ways that break my heart. She has requested on not blog about certain things that have happened in the last month so I am tiptoeing around parts of the story that are the most crucial. But I have always told the children that if they request something not be talked about on here...they can make the request and I will respect their wishes....so please be patient...The story will unfold...eventually.
Marie has been struggling for months now. It started with skipping classes and stepped up to massive behavioral meltdowns (can you call them tantrums at 15), a three day suspension and saturday detention and recently resulted in outside intervention. Next week some of our questions will be answered so I can explain that more. She has had more than 2 meltdowns a week for the last month or so. I personally think it is BiPolar although the psychiatrist believes it is simply trauma response. I have to be honest, I don't care what the label is...she needs a med change. He is away until July 8 so we are trying to be patient and work through this. Her peaks and valleys are too extreme to be anything but a mood disorder. So I have decided I totally disagree with Dr. G and I am ready to fight this time. He has always been very reasonable in the past but is very hesitant to change or up meds..I agree with him, in theory, but he isn't living here....MEDS! lol
Today....the stress of the end of school is really getting to her. She has been grounded due to the above issues...she knows this...we know this....everyone that knows her...knows she is grounded....Back to the loud...lol...today...in her kind and loving words...bated my husband into a debate over her restriction....he ended it quickly but she blew a gasket....
Anyone want to take a 15 year old for the summer?
Anywhooo? See why I stopped blogging....lol
She calmed down...and seemed to be processing information....then she told me that it was hard for her because it was alot of pressure to pretend that I was her mom....She thinks of me as the Stepmom...and I try too hard to be her birthmom....Not sure what that all meant but I figured she was still completely out of sync sooooo encouraged her to take a shower....showed her my unconditional, consistent love and decided it was something that could wait until she was back in sync....I certainly don't need to start more fires!
On a positive note....My sister is having a baby in September and I am very excited for her and my brother in law...I am so looking forward to our family expanding and spoiling another nephew....
Another positive note.....I have a mini vacation coming up. I only have to work next monday and tuesday with the rest of the week off...Life is good!
Be Well....
K
PS...I know this isn't the most formally written blog but I write like I talk..So deal with it=)
First....UPDATE on Rosie and the infamous capris.. lol....she did wear them to school. But as I correctly suspected...It was a one and done...."Um....they are really comfortable but...um...they are way too loose...I need it to be tighter to my legs..you know, like the rest of the NORMAL kids" Whatever that means....lol....See Ocean State Job Lots is the best place to buy what I am starting to call the one and doners.....lol
Onto the fun of Marie!
Marie is my spirited child. She is vivacious, exuberant, fiesty, sassy, outspoken, impulsive, headstrong, loud, infectious laugh, a smile that lights up the room and eyes that twinkle with mischief....She was the miracle I prayed God would send us....but she also struggles in ways that break my heart. She has requested on not blog about certain things that have happened in the last month so I am tiptoeing around parts of the story that are the most crucial. But I have always told the children that if they request something not be talked about on here...they can make the request and I will respect their wishes....so please be patient...The story will unfold...eventually.
Marie has been struggling for months now. It started with skipping classes and stepped up to massive behavioral meltdowns (can you call them tantrums at 15), a three day suspension and saturday detention and recently resulted in outside intervention. Next week some of our questions will be answered so I can explain that more. She has had more than 2 meltdowns a week for the last month or so. I personally think it is BiPolar although the psychiatrist believes it is simply trauma response. I have to be honest, I don't care what the label is...she needs a med change. He is away until July 8 so we are trying to be patient and work through this. Her peaks and valleys are too extreme to be anything but a mood disorder. So I have decided I totally disagree with Dr. G and I am ready to fight this time. He has always been very reasonable in the past but is very hesitant to change or up meds..I agree with him, in theory, but he isn't living here....MEDS! lol
Today....the stress of the end of school is really getting to her. She has been grounded due to the above issues...she knows this...we know this....everyone that knows her...knows she is grounded....Back to the loud...lol...today...in her kind and loving words...bated my husband into a debate over her restriction....he ended it quickly but she blew a gasket....
Anyone want to take a 15 year old for the summer?
Anywhooo? See why I stopped blogging....lol
She calmed down...and seemed to be processing information....then she told me that it was hard for her because it was alot of pressure to pretend that I was her mom....She thinks of me as the Stepmom...and I try too hard to be her birthmom....Not sure what that all meant but I figured she was still completely out of sync sooooo encouraged her to take a shower....showed her my unconditional, consistent love and decided it was something that could wait until she was back in sync....I certainly don't need to start more fires!
On a positive note....My sister is having a baby in September and I am very excited for her and my brother in law...I am so looking forward to our family expanding and spoiling another nephew....
Another positive note.....I have a mini vacation coming up. I only have to work next monday and tuesday with the rest of the week off...Life is good!
Be Well....
K
PS...I know this isn't the most formally written blog but I write like I talk..So deal with it=)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Making Decisions
Man, I am continually disappointed in my ability to be a faithful writer on this blog. I love this blog and I love my blogging buddies. I have been running ragged lately and don't find that I am going to say anything inspirational so I don't want to just waste your time with continual complaining. So I don't write. Then I become shame filled at the fact that I don't discipline myself to write at least something every day.
Then I say.....K, get a stinking life and shut up!
The last month has brought many adventures in our home. But let me just say I am tired. I am frustrated and seem to be feeling quite sorry for myself as of late. AGAIN....clearly we may need more happy pills, should this tide continue to flow as it is!
Rosie...is just her usual self. There isn't anything tragic to report. Her and I continue to play tug of war. I know it isn't effective parenting....but sometimes....I just have to win. Sometimes, Daniel Hughes and Attachment parenting just doesn't get my desired result and I have to win. Hopefully there are others of you out there and you can say AMEN!
Yesterday she tell me that her Chorus teacher told her that she HAS TO HAVE NEW BLACK CAPRIS by monday because they have another chorus concert and she will be the only that doesn't have a new pair of capris....Although, I am well aware that this is totally bogus...and if it is true then the Chorus teacher should be purchasing them! But she had been having a relatively decent day so I was sort of interested in humoring her. But I know her very well and she doesn't wear capris unless they are jean clam diggers so I knew this would be a one and done with these capris...and thus not going to pay a great deal for them. I took her to Ocean State Job Lot...Isn't that where you go when you think discount clothing? lol....they have such a hodge podge of stuff so I figured we could find something.
I was gonna focus on Marie but hey why stop with Rose.....lol....I went to the "clothing" department and found some really cute black dress shorts but all of them were too small or too big so then I found this pair of BLACK linen capris....they had string on the bottom to tie as loose or tight as you wanted, I assume to make them the desired length. She said they were not very stylish and she would rather wear nothing then wear those hideous capris....I sat them back on the rack and said...."good luck with that"...I walked away. I found my husband and we browsed the store.. She found a slinky teddy that could be a dress if I let her get it and these cute flip flogs.... so I asked "what does this have to do with the black capris" she rolled her eyes and said "fine I wooooooon't get them...geeeeeeez! why do you have to be so disrespectful" HA....but I kept my mouth shut=)
We meandered for another 10 minutes AND then I was no longer amused. I told her to pick or I picked....knowing that my choice was the only choice she really had. She huffed and puffed and said "fine have it your way! You are a bully anyhow...I don't know why I bother to to fight with you...You are so mean!" I smiled her and said..."Indeed, my love, I am not sure why you fight me, either! I love you!"
Tomorrow is the chorus concert and she spent the better part of the evening scheming about what she can wear instead....Well...I feel satisfied that I only paid five bucks for them so no big loss and she can do some chores to pay me back for my wasted generosity...Although, I don't feel like it was wasted....
I will let you know tomorrow....What lessons were learned!
Love you all!
K
Then I say.....K, get a stinking life and shut up!
The last month has brought many adventures in our home. But let me just say I am tired. I am frustrated and seem to be feeling quite sorry for myself as of late. AGAIN....clearly we may need more happy pills, should this tide continue to flow as it is!
Rosie...is just her usual self. There isn't anything tragic to report. Her and I continue to play tug of war. I know it isn't effective parenting....but sometimes....I just have to win. Sometimes, Daniel Hughes and Attachment parenting just doesn't get my desired result and I have to win. Hopefully there are others of you out there and you can say AMEN!
Yesterday she tell me that her Chorus teacher told her that she HAS TO HAVE NEW BLACK CAPRIS by monday because they have another chorus concert and she will be the only that doesn't have a new pair of capris....Although, I am well aware that this is totally bogus...and if it is true then the Chorus teacher should be purchasing them! But she had been having a relatively decent day so I was sort of interested in humoring her. But I know her very well and she doesn't wear capris unless they are jean clam diggers so I knew this would be a one and done with these capris...and thus not going to pay a great deal for them. I took her to Ocean State Job Lot...Isn't that where you go when you think discount clothing? lol....they have such a hodge podge of stuff so I figured we could find something.
I was gonna focus on Marie but hey why stop with Rose.....lol....I went to the "clothing" department and found some really cute black dress shorts but all of them were too small or too big so then I found this pair of BLACK linen capris....they had string on the bottom to tie as loose or tight as you wanted, I assume to make them the desired length. She said they were not very stylish and she would rather wear nothing then wear those hideous capris....I sat them back on the rack and said...."good luck with that"...I walked away. I found my husband and we browsed the store.. She found a slinky teddy that could be a dress if I let her get it and these cute flip flogs.... so I asked "what does this have to do with the black capris" she rolled her eyes and said "fine I wooooooon't get them...geeeeeeez! why do you have to be so disrespectful" HA....but I kept my mouth shut=)
We meandered for another 10 minutes AND then I was no longer amused. I told her to pick or I picked....knowing that my choice was the only choice she really had. She huffed and puffed and said "fine have it your way! You are a bully anyhow...I don't know why I bother to to fight with you...You are so mean!" I smiled her and said..."Indeed, my love, I am not sure why you fight me, either! I love you!"
Tomorrow is the chorus concert and she spent the better part of the evening scheming about what she can wear instead....Well...I feel satisfied that I only paid five bucks for them so no big loss and she can do some chores to pay me back for my wasted generosity...Although, I don't feel like it was wasted....
I will let you know tomorrow....What lessons were learned!
Love you all!
K
Thursday, May 21, 2009
If I were a drinker, I would be in trouble.......
Wow....isn't that a provacative title? Don't worry....I am not over imbibing...I actually don't drink at all. Personal choice that was further solidified when my two children became part of my family. Having alcoholic/drug addicted parents caring for you can really mess you up so I chose to eliminate that fear from their life and not drink simple as that....
But it is really one of those days....If I did drink...I would be three sheets to the wind by now. Having a tough time with little Rosie once again. She doesn't quite get a few concepts that I feel are quite obvious. Then there is a part of me that thinks perhaps her poor behavior is more calculating than I think.
Here is the scenario..... Mother's Day...Her Birthmom calls us, out of the blue and about three years after our last contact. I let Rosie speak to her and we have found out that she has reproduced with another man. Two healthy little boys. They are still in her custody and appear to be happy, healthy family. I don't know how much of this is true and accurate but by all accounts she is not forcing the disasterous childhood on these new children that she gifted to my daughter.
Rosie declares her undying love for her birthmom and sibs. Why wouldn't she? I know that is logical and completely normal for her to feel. She also declared her need for a visit. I spent two days trying to get her to understand that it was okay if she had mixed feelings or even was mad. all NORMAL feelings. She insisted that I was incorrect and she only had love for them.
In therapy, her therapist and I discussed that she needed a far more stable relationship with us to be able to have physical contact with her mother and phone contact should be minimal at most. All things I agree with. Rosie was given clear expectations for how this would happen. Which included an end to physically acting out against us and an in general more respectful relationship with us.
In my mind, knowing her as well as I do, she would straighten up because she is very good at doing what she has to do to get what she really, really wants. But she has done quite the opposite. Her physical aggression has increased and she is more disrepectful than she has been in forever. Obviously, she is in no way ready for a visit. But I wonder if knowing that this prevents the visit, she knows that we will stop the visit and she won't have to confront her past with her birthmother. I wonder if on some level she knows that we are the safe place for her and that we are her refuge during the storm. Which means we are a little farther along than I ever imagined we would get...
Any thoughts?
But it is really one of those days....If I did drink...I would be three sheets to the wind by now. Having a tough time with little Rosie once again. She doesn't quite get a few concepts that I feel are quite obvious. Then there is a part of me that thinks perhaps her poor behavior is more calculating than I think.
Here is the scenario..... Mother's Day...Her Birthmom calls us, out of the blue and about three years after our last contact. I let Rosie speak to her and we have found out that she has reproduced with another man. Two healthy little boys. They are still in her custody and appear to be happy, healthy family. I don't know how much of this is true and accurate but by all accounts she is not forcing the disasterous childhood on these new children that she gifted to my daughter.
Rosie declares her undying love for her birthmom and sibs. Why wouldn't she? I know that is logical and completely normal for her to feel. She also declared her need for a visit. I spent two days trying to get her to understand that it was okay if she had mixed feelings or even was mad. all NORMAL feelings. She insisted that I was incorrect and she only had love for them.
In therapy, her therapist and I discussed that she needed a far more stable relationship with us to be able to have physical contact with her mother and phone contact should be minimal at most. All things I agree with. Rosie was given clear expectations for how this would happen. Which included an end to physically acting out against us and an in general more respectful relationship with us.
In my mind, knowing her as well as I do, she would straighten up because she is very good at doing what she has to do to get what she really, really wants. But she has done quite the opposite. Her physical aggression has increased and she is more disrepectful than she has been in forever. Obviously, she is in no way ready for a visit. But I wonder if knowing that this prevents the visit, she knows that we will stop the visit and she won't have to confront her past with her birthmother. I wonder if on some level she knows that we are the safe place for her and that we are her refuge during the storm. Which means we are a little farther along than I ever imagined we would get...
Any thoughts?
Friday, May 8, 2009
Can't We All Just Get Along?
It is Friday afternoon and my mind has already checked out for the weekend. I am completely unproductive today. I want to keep focus but I can't. My youngest daughter, Rose, has had a horrible two weeks and I, myself, would like a do-over for the last two weeks and I love her so much....she should be allowed one also!
I would like to tell you that I have learned some valuable lesson from this experience or that I have felt peace about this situation. But I have to tell you honestly that this sucks! Sucks in the worst possible way.
Here are the two reasons this sucks BIG TIME.
1. I love my kids. I can't stand to see them struggle with their past trauma. It breaks my heart to see them have flashbacks and night terrors. It breaks my heart to see wet beds, sleep walking, hoarding, and other random anxieties reappear because of what they see in their minds. I hate to see them have to disassociate from reality and put those thick steel walls back up because they are too afraid to trust again.
2. I am human. I hate, hate, hate bad behavior. I hate tantrums. I hate spitting, biting, punching, kicking, throwing things. I hate threats against my safety. I hate threats that they will tell someone I hurt them. Remember, I am human. For a day or two I can understand logically that it isn't them that is doing this. It is their fear response, it is a result of their trauma. Then we get to like day 5 or 6 and I am exhausted....I don't want to deal in reality either....
So then we begin to fall apart....See this sucks...
So when you are praying tonight, say a prayer for us....Because I pray for your family, too.
Then we wake up tomorrow and it is a new day and perhaps....tomorrow won't suck as much....lol...
Be Well....
K
PS...I hope I didn't offend anyone with the work "suck"...It has lost its effect on me, as I have heard it so much..BUT I certainly don't wish to offend anyone!
I would like to tell you that I have learned some valuable lesson from this experience or that I have felt peace about this situation. But I have to tell you honestly that this sucks! Sucks in the worst possible way.
Here are the two reasons this sucks BIG TIME.
1. I love my kids. I can't stand to see them struggle with their past trauma. It breaks my heart to see them have flashbacks and night terrors. It breaks my heart to see wet beds, sleep walking, hoarding, and other random anxieties reappear because of what they see in their minds. I hate to see them have to disassociate from reality and put those thick steel walls back up because they are too afraid to trust again.
2. I am human. I hate, hate, hate bad behavior. I hate tantrums. I hate spitting, biting, punching, kicking, throwing things. I hate threats against my safety. I hate threats that they will tell someone I hurt them. Remember, I am human. For a day or two I can understand logically that it isn't them that is doing this. It is their fear response, it is a result of their trauma. Then we get to like day 5 or 6 and I am exhausted....I don't want to deal in reality either....
So then we begin to fall apart....See this sucks...
So when you are praying tonight, say a prayer for us....Because I pray for your family, too.
Then we wake up tomorrow and it is a new day and perhaps....tomorrow won't suck as much....lol...
Be Well....
K
PS...I hope I didn't offend anyone with the work "suck"...It has lost its effect on me, as I have heard it so much..BUT I certainly don't wish to offend anyone!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Shame.....
This is an old picture. Actually about two years old. And it is a picture of Rosie getting her hair done by her Auntie K. Even knowing what this picture truly is, it strikes me as a picture that closely reflects a very pervasive feeling in children that have been abused and/or neglected. SHAME. When we adopted our children, we were completely ignorant of the effects shame would have on our lives. We didn't know that it was one of the core feelings kids like ours have. It is almost always the reason we have behavior issues in our home. Anger is usually what they use to cover their shame.
Babies are born feeling shame. But with the help of a healthy and safe primary care giver (ie parents, usually) children move from shame to feelings of guilt. Shame is about the perception that the child is bad, unlovable, stupid, worthless. Guilt is a feeling that results when the child realizes that their action has affected another person, it has nothing to do with their self worth. I hope I just described that correctly. That was my understanding of it. But feel free to correct me, gently!
My children have never had the opportunity to learn to move from shame to guilt. My children are stuck in shame. And it is a painful and sad thing to watch your children go through over and over again. It is also frustrating. I want so badly for them to know that they are lovable and worthwhile. I want them to see that they are smart and good. No child is "bad". They make poor choices but there is something good about every child. And we as parents must always search for something good in our children. It is the only way we can help them heal.
My children feel shame daily. Actually multiple times a day. So multiple times a day, we encounter behavioral difficulties of some sort. Rosie cries giant crocodile tears and Marie is unbearably belligerent. I would like to write that I am an amazing mother and I am able to be totally and completely therapeutic every time. Alas, I am not. After about ten times I am out of gas...I just want NO DRAMA!
And inevitably, most behaviors have their roots in shame. A child felt isolation when she had to play alone, shame that she is unlovable, A child is busted for looking at something or listening to something she shouldn't, shame that she is worthless and stupid. The list goes on. I am learning better to diffuse their anger with a change in the tone of my voice. Getting them to calm down and express their feelings before they escalate to holding them or they break objects. I am getting better at it but still I have much to learn.
I am learning more and more how traumatized abused and neglected children can be. How dedicated they are and how much they need special TLC, much nurturing and a whole bunch of unconditional love....Pray for my family and I will pray for yours!
Be Well!
The Musings of a Crazy person!
Goodness Gracious! I haven't been very good at blogging for a long time! I have to apologize because I am sure I have lost almost all of my followers. I miss blogging but I continue to find my life getting in the way of things. Can you imagine that?
We have had some wonderful things happen and a few more stressful things have happened also. Both the great things and the difficult things have had an adverse effect on the children. Hey, I am not super girl, I can't fix everything!
I find that the girls are sniping at each other more these days. I can't quite figure it out but I am investigating like crazy!
Marie is having difficulty with a few of her teachers and so she has failed a few classes. I have tried to help her rectify the situation but the teacher doesn't seem as willing to bend thus the problem is continuing. I am very frustrated because she is doing reasonably well in her core classes where she is getting proper assistance and accomodations beyond her IEP. Her core teachers have done an excellent job with working with me and her. It seems that she is having a great deal of difficulty with the classes (electives) where she needs to be in Mainstream classes. So, as extreme as it may sound to some, I have decided to Home school her. I am fairly sure about the curriculum I am going to use but still doing a little research.
Marie seems relieved that we are going to be able to have more control and flexibility with her schooling. She seems quite excited to have the one on one lessons and being able to focus more on her studies without the outside interference of peers. I still have concerns about it but I am confident that between My husband and I, we will help her to succeed to a much greater extent than she is currently.
Rosie was doing very well! She wasn't having behavioral challenges and she was doing well at school. We even had school vacation without a major blip! We then took our yearly trip to Burlington. My husband bowls in a tournament every year and we make a weekend out of it. Apparently, hotels bring back horrible memories for Rosie. We thought we had talked about it and got a room that was closer to being homey so perhaps she wouldn't be as anxious. We brought our own blankets, pillows, stuffed animals...homey stuff....And she still had a huge meltdown. She hasn't been able to recover yet....that was more than two weeks ago now. Trying to be patient and help her through this but she doesn't seem to be responding our therapeutic parenting techniques.
Which is very frustrating! Please tell me you understand!!!
Last Friday, I was able to get away to see Dr. Daniel Hughes in Vermont. He is a psychologist that has worked for many years with families of RAD kids. When you see him speak, you know HE GETS IT! He is so soothing and calm. He is empathetic and simply wonderful to listen to! I have some new books to read and I feel refreshed!
Anyways, I just wanted you to know I am here...And trying to think up something interesting to share....Which I am always doing!
Missed you and Be Well!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Man, I am lazy
Can you believe I haven't been on here since January....I am a blog loser! I miss you guys...I have developed a fairly sick addiction to Facebook....My new mistress....So please forgive me that I have been so neglectful to you...my dear friends!
Many things have changed....yet is all still the same....Does that make sense? I don't even know where to begin..Perhaps as I get back into the swing of my blog I will go backwards but today I will stay where I am....In the present.
Marie really struggling right now. She doesn't seem to be able to get out of her own mind these days. I don't know what is going on in her head. She is keeping it very close to her heart. She had a really extreme rage last weds. And yesterday she attempted to spin so far out of control that we would hospitalize her. Thank God for my parents. They swooped in to provide her a place to get things a little clearer in her mind.
She has requested contact with her birth mother. We have had two phone calls that seem to go well. B-mom has done an excellent job at being appropriate and nurturing....Which is a wonderful change from the early years. As much as she feels she needs this contact, it is bringing up a lot of mixed feeling for her. Which I completely understand. The rush of emotion must be so hard for her young mind to wrap around. We are plugging along though...Just plugging along...What else can we do but deal with it! It breaks my heart to watch her struggle like this...I just want to make it all better.....
Rose's Turn!
I don't dare say what I am about to say....because I know the pendulum will again swing the other way....And I will come to you begging for your shoulder....She is doing good....I mean she has a fiesty personality....so she is always a smidge difficult and she loves to see if she can piss me off...(please forgive my language) but for the most part...she is making good choices...She hasn't flown off the handle. She has been able to take a deep breath and accept no....Although she still thinks that the seatbelt wants to boss her around because she has to wear it....lol ....no lie....And the added benefit is that I can tolerate cuddling with her. We aren't at war...we have a peace between us....which is amazing....three and a half years for this....But I have to say....I love every minute of it!
So here is where I am....I am learning to be grateful for my life. I am continually learning that there is hope and goodness in everything that happens....AND I am also learning to be patient....and quiet...You have to be quiet sometimes to hear the good that is happening.....I forget this...ALOT!
Be Well,
Queen Mommy
Many things have changed....yet is all still the same....Does that make sense? I don't even know where to begin..Perhaps as I get back into the swing of my blog I will go backwards but today I will stay where I am....In the present.
Marie really struggling right now. She doesn't seem to be able to get out of her own mind these days. I don't know what is going on in her head. She is keeping it very close to her heart. She had a really extreme rage last weds. And yesterday she attempted to spin so far out of control that we would hospitalize her. Thank God for my parents. They swooped in to provide her a place to get things a little clearer in her mind.
She has requested contact with her birth mother. We have had two phone calls that seem to go well. B-mom has done an excellent job at being appropriate and nurturing....Which is a wonderful change from the early years. As much as she feels she needs this contact, it is bringing up a lot of mixed feeling for her. Which I completely understand. The rush of emotion must be so hard for her young mind to wrap around. We are plugging along though...Just plugging along...What else can we do but deal with it! It breaks my heart to watch her struggle like this...I just want to make it all better.....
Rose's Turn!
I don't dare say what I am about to say....because I know the pendulum will again swing the other way....And I will come to you begging for your shoulder....She is doing good....I mean she has a fiesty personality....so she is always a smidge difficult and she loves to see if she can piss me off...(please forgive my language) but for the most part...she is making good choices...She hasn't flown off the handle. She has been able to take a deep breath and accept no....Although she still thinks that the seatbelt wants to boss her around because she has to wear it....lol ....no lie....And the added benefit is that I can tolerate cuddling with her. We aren't at war...we have a peace between us....which is amazing....three and a half years for this....But I have to say....I love every minute of it!
So here is where I am....I am learning to be grateful for my life. I am continually learning that there is hope and goodness in everything that happens....AND I am also learning to be patient....and quiet...You have to be quiet sometimes to hear the good that is happening.....I forget this...ALOT!
Be Well,
Queen Mommy
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A thought.....
Do you know how absolutely hysterical it is to watch a RADical, bipolar, lazy teenage girl use Wii Fit? Please tell me you want to see a video...BECAUSE I am posting one the next time I catch her without her realizing she is giving me a show! I love her so much! She makes me laugh...sometimes she is funnier than she realizes.....
A good time to be a mom.....I love that Wii....Lots of family fun to be had...
Hope you enjoyed your day stuck inside because of the weather!
A good time to be a mom.....I love that Wii....Lots of family fun to be had...
Hope you enjoyed your day stuck inside because of the weather!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Facebook....
Thanks to those of you that joined my Facebook group....Things have just been crazy as of late but I am trying to be more disciplined with my blog and all! Just gets crazy sometimes.
So This list of "25 Random Things" is making its way around Facebook. It is fun to find out about people and their lives. I decide to do one about being the mom of a RADish so I wanted to post it here first and see what my peeps think!
I want input, Peeps!
25 Things I want people to know about me as the parent of a child with RAD
1. I have to parent my children in unconventional ways. Due to my child's
past trauma, they need me to parent them differently than a biological
child.
2. I appreciate your suggestions, but I have already tried them.
3. I am a good parent, but sometimes I need to hear it from other people
4. I can't control their behavior
5. Neither can you
6. No one could parent them better than me
7. Therapy does work. It is very important to our success.
8. I am constantly abused and need lots of TLC from my support system!
9. I don't want pity, I am just looking for a sympathetic ear
10. I appear angry and hostile but really I am just isolated and frustrated
11. My expectations of what this life would be were too high
12. It is ok for me to grieve the loss of what I thought adoption would be
13. My child isn't a bad kid, they have suffered immeasurable trauma.
14. I constantly have to be on guard and rarely have the chance to relax.
15. Unless you live in my house, don't assume anything.
16. I am really strict, I have to be. My child's life and my own
depend on it.
17. I always tell the truth, my child doesn't.
(They feel that their only protection is their ability to control adults
with lies)
18. If you have had a conversation with my child, they have manipulated you.
19. Sometimes I am embarrassed by my child's behavior
20. I know they are accountable for their behavior not me so you
should know that too
21. If I ask you to let them "fix" their poor behavior, let them.
22. My kids aren't scary, you don't have to be afraid of them
23. They only misbehave so much for me because I am the one that
they feel closest to. You don't pose a threat to their safety because
you don't want to parent them.
24. My kids are great and are fun to be around, when they are following my rules.
25. I love my kids MORE THAN ANYTHING....They are worth all of my efforts.
AND I know they will heal as long as I stay committed to them.
So This list of "25 Random Things" is making its way around Facebook. It is fun to find out about people and their lives. I decide to do one about being the mom of a RADish so I wanted to post it here first and see what my peeps think!
I want input, Peeps!
25 Things I want people to know about me as the parent of a child with RAD
1. I have to parent my children in unconventional ways. Due to my child's
past trauma, they need me to parent them differently than a biological
child.
2. I appreciate your suggestions, but I have already tried them.
3. I am a good parent, but sometimes I need to hear it from other people
4. I can't control their behavior
5. Neither can you
6. No one could parent them better than me
7. Therapy does work. It is very important to our success.
8. I am constantly abused and need lots of TLC from my support system!
9. I don't want pity, I am just looking for a sympathetic ear
10. I appear angry and hostile but really I am just isolated and frustrated
11. My expectations of what this life would be were too high
12. It is ok for me to grieve the loss of what I thought adoption would be
13. My child isn't a bad kid, they have suffered immeasurable trauma.
14. I constantly have to be on guard and rarely have the chance to relax.
15. Unless you live in my house, don't assume anything.
16. I am really strict, I have to be. My child's life and my own
depend on it.
17. I always tell the truth, my child doesn't.
(They feel that their only protection is their ability to control adults
with lies)
18. If you have had a conversation with my child, they have manipulated you.
19. Sometimes I am embarrassed by my child's behavior
20. I know they are accountable for their behavior not me so you
should know that too
21. If I ask you to let them "fix" their poor behavior, let them.
22. My kids aren't scary, you don't have to be afraid of them
23. They only misbehave so much for me because I am the one that
they feel closest to. You don't pose a threat to their safety because
you don't want to parent them.
24. My kids are great and are fun to be around, when they are following my rules.
25. I love my kids MORE THAN ANYTHING....They are worth all of my efforts.
AND I know they will heal as long as I stay committed to them.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It is a sunny day.....
So this weekend was the anniversary of Rose's removal from her birthmom's home. January is a very bad month because both of my RADishes were removed during this month. They had very different experiences but the reaction is similar. Actually this is the first January that Marie hasn't had this reaction. I am so proud of her!
Back to Rosie. I find that I spend a lot of time dealing with and obsessing about how I deal with Rose. She is such a challenge to me. She knows my buttons AND she definitely is very adept at pushing them. 99% of the time I know that it really has nothing to do with me, I am just lucky enough to experience the aftermath of her trauma. But there are the days that I take it personally. There are the days that I am wounded in the fray. She says the phrase that hits me the wrong way.....and the whole day goes bad=)
Yesterday Rose just decided that it was going to be a bad day. In her mind, there was no way that yesterday would be anything but painful and chaotic for everyone. I hate those days. Because those are the days that just don't seem to end. Some days she can be redirected and get over it...But after the third meltdown it became clear that she was not giving up on her anger pattern.
I find that when she is in these meltdown patterns it is as though she is a colicky baby that can't be comforted. So I must think of her as a baby. Her trauma is so deep rooted that this becomes necessary. I am not sure what anyone thinks of what I am about to say but it works with her. It is unbelievably helpful. I swaddle her. Yes, just as you would swaddle a baby. Well, not as tightly. It isn't necessary for it to be that tight. I don't have to force her. She knows what I am going to do. We have a sheet that is her swaddle "blanket". I spread it on my bed and she climbs up on it and I swaddle her. No matter how out of control she is...she seems to do it. Which I still find interesting. Yesterday, I swaddled her and she cried like an infant for like five minutes as I soothed her with my voice....And she went to sleep....
She tells me that she feels safe when I swaddle her. She knows that she is safe when she is cuddled in her "blanket". I am considering the purchase of a weighted blanket but I have not purchased it as of yet. This seems to be working in the same fashion. Once she is swaddled, I usually put her in my lap and hold her like an infant. I caress her face and kiss her forehead. I soothe her with my voice and speak to her very quietly. And when she is ready...we discuss her feelings and her memories....all the while she is safe and close to me. She actually will request it when she needs to be close to me.
My hope is that as she heals, she won't need this anymore. As she heals, she can learn to tell me her angry and sad feelings without the long drawn out dance we now do now. I love this kid. She has my heart. She may be afraid to attach to me but I am firmly attached.
I hope that you all are having a great day...I am having a great day....It is a sunny day!
Back to Rosie. I find that I spend a lot of time dealing with and obsessing about how I deal with Rose. She is such a challenge to me. She knows my buttons AND she definitely is very adept at pushing them. 99% of the time I know that it really has nothing to do with me, I am just lucky enough to experience the aftermath of her trauma. But there are the days that I take it personally. There are the days that I am wounded in the fray. She says the phrase that hits me the wrong way.....and the whole day goes bad=)
Yesterday Rose just decided that it was going to be a bad day. In her mind, there was no way that yesterday would be anything but painful and chaotic for everyone. I hate those days. Because those are the days that just don't seem to end. Some days she can be redirected and get over it...But after the third meltdown it became clear that she was not giving up on her anger pattern.
I find that when she is in these meltdown patterns it is as though she is a colicky baby that can't be comforted. So I must think of her as a baby. Her trauma is so deep rooted that this becomes necessary. I am not sure what anyone thinks of what I am about to say but it works with her. It is unbelievably helpful. I swaddle her. Yes, just as you would swaddle a baby. Well, not as tightly. It isn't necessary for it to be that tight. I don't have to force her. She knows what I am going to do. We have a sheet that is her swaddle "blanket". I spread it on my bed and she climbs up on it and I swaddle her. No matter how out of control she is...she seems to do it. Which I still find interesting. Yesterday, I swaddled her and she cried like an infant for like five minutes as I soothed her with my voice....And she went to sleep....
She tells me that she feels safe when I swaddle her. She knows that she is safe when she is cuddled in her "blanket". I am considering the purchase of a weighted blanket but I have not purchased it as of yet. This seems to be working in the same fashion. Once she is swaddled, I usually put her in my lap and hold her like an infant. I caress her face and kiss her forehead. I soothe her with my voice and speak to her very quietly. And when she is ready...we discuss her feelings and her memories....all the while she is safe and close to me. She actually will request it when she needs to be close to me.
My hope is that as she heals, she won't need this anymore. As she heals, she can learn to tell me her angry and sad feelings without the long drawn out dance we now do now. I love this kid. She has my heart. She may be afraid to attach to me but I am firmly attached.
I hope that you all are having a great day...I am having a great day....It is a sunny day!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Barack Obama
So I try very hard not to interject my political views on my blog. I try to be very objective and rationally make my own decisions.
I want to talk about Obama. I am not going to talk about whether he will be the next Lincoln or not. Because really that will not be determined for many years to come. I am not going to talk about his views on the economy, abortion, gay rights, imigration, etc. Again....We all come from all backgrounds and situations which make our views what they are. And my blog isn't about that. My blog is about parenting my RAD child....and those things, while important, don't directly affect what I talk about on my blog.
So why on earth would I talk about Obama? Because Barack Obama is biracial. That bonds him to my family. That is what I find the most touching today as I watch the concert for him on HBO. I am tearing as I think about it. My biracial daughter is rolling her eyes. She isn't as touched by this as I am.
I grew up on military bases. I grew up with neighbors of every nationality. I truly didn't know that there was anywhere in America that people didn't live like this. I had Korean neighbors, Guamanian neighbors, African American neighbors, Hispanic neighbors, White neighbors, you get the picture. My schools always were so very diverse. I was so lucky to be raised in such a culturally rich and diverse situation. My church was also this diverse. Because many of the families were made up of American servicemen that had met and married women from different parts of the world, there were also many biracial children. I also never knew this had its own stigma.
Off topic again!
Obama grew up with a single white mother and at somepoint in his childhood was raised by his poor white grandparents. He had an absent father. He lived in Kansas, where I imagine he wasn't the norm. He had adversity. So in some aspects he grew up as many of our kids did. With great adversity in his very young life.
Please don't email me with comments about how his color isn't important and all of that crap....blah blah blah....Read my feelings don't analyze my words to find fault.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character~ MLK Jr.
And that is what I feel Obama is doing for our children. He is showing that you can be judged for more than the color of your skin...You can be judged by your hard work, your intelligence, your character and your desire to be the best that you can be. I am proud to live in that America. I am proud that my children live in that America. I truly think that he shows our children that adversity and color is part of who you are, it doesn't define who you are!
Please refrain from sending me any political rhetoric. This isn't about his policy or democratic rhetoric because I am a Proud Republican. This blog is about me being proud that I live in a country where color isn't everything....And this wasn't always that America.
God Bless America!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Sucky Moms Unite.....
Does anyone else have Facebook? I know Christine does..(I don't know how to make a link to blog but she is amazing!) Anyway...The reason I am asking is because I think I am going make a group for all us. I didn't realize there were so many of us proud sucky moms out there! We all rock and we should really Unite....LOL...I will create the group and let you know....You all probably have lives and don't have time for Facebook and now you know that I don't have a life!
If you have Facebook....my group is called "Sucky Moms Unite!" This could become a trend...hahahah...If you are able to join or interested in joining, I would be happy to link on there to your blogs too! Despite the name...It will be a positive place for us to support each other. A way for us to unite without having to read all hundred blogs...
I love you girls (And my one guy follower)
K
If you have Facebook....my group is called "Sucky Moms Unite!" This could become a trend...hahahah...If you are able to join or interested in joining, I would be happy to link on there to your blogs too! Despite the name...It will be a positive place for us to support each other. A way for us to unite without having to read all hundred blogs...
I love you girls (And my one guy follower)
K
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Things I Learned From My RADtastic 11 yo (In general Conversation)
1. I suck
2. I am jealous of her Birth mom
3. I punish because of my said jealousy.. I need therapy.
4. Consequences for poor choices mean I don't love her.
5. I don't show her proper respect.
6. I suck
7. If I was a normal mother she would be healed....
8. I make sure nothing good ever happens to her. I steal the life out of her.
9. She is sick of the drama....hahahha
10. I am cruel for making her eat healthy meals..That is how she got fat!
(she is normal)
Sooooooo....I just thought you would all like to revel in how awful I am. At least I know I am doing my job well....Kudos for me! Plus It is icing outside...What better could there be than that!
Please remember you all suck too!
2. I am jealous of her Birth mom
3. I punish because of my said jealousy.. I need therapy.
4. Consequences for poor choices mean I don't love her.
5. I don't show her proper respect.
6. I suck
7. If I was a normal mother she would be healed....
8. I make sure nothing good ever happens to her. I steal the life out of her.
9. She is sick of the drama....hahahha
10. I am cruel for making her eat healthy meals..That is how she got fat!
(she is normal)
Sooooooo....I just thought you would all like to revel in how awful I am. At least I know I am doing my job well....Kudos for me! Plus It is icing outside...What better could there be than that!
Please remember you all suck too!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
January 4, 2009
Greetings! I have already broke my resolution to blog more. Sorry...It has just been a tough time...wahhh wahhh wahhh...don't you feel bad for me...boo hoo....
My little innocent Rose has started swearing during her tirades. Does anyone have a good solution to this. I have already had her fold 9 loads of laundry, made her clean my bathroom, taken away her $25 GC to Barnes and Noble and not let her have lunch at Panera with us when we were out and about. She doesn't seem to be dissuaded from the swearing thing. She also has started to punch me in public. I have always been lucky enough that she would not act out in public but she seems more and more comfortable acting out in public. I am truly at a loss! So any assistance you guys may have would be great.
I also realize that that as far as the punching in public thing goes...I know that that means no more public appearances for little Rose in public. Which is fine with me. She can make things quite irritating at the store, So I am not at all opposed to or sorry that she will not be shopping for at least a month!
My older daughter, Marie, is having her own struggles. She wants to see her Birth mom. Which I don't have an issue in theory. If this were a perfect world, it would be a wonderful reunion. Her mother would be more mature, she would take responsibility for Marie's past trauma, and she would be ready to be an appropriate and wonderful part of Marie's life. Which I honestly and desperately want to happen. My daughter deserves to know that she is loved by the woman that gave birth to her. She deserves to have this woman take responsibility for her past mistakes and she deserves to have amends made to her. But this isn't a perfect world. And none of that is truly going to happen. The best I can hope for is that her birth mom will hug her and tell her she loves her. I can only hope that she will be appropriate. But most of all, I pray that my daughter will find what she needs to put the past behind her for good! I am reminded once again that to make peace she needs all of the pieces!
This year is going to be an exciting year. I could go on and on about Marie's quest to have contact with her birth mom but I am not sure how much to share. There is that fine line. Also, I have to come to terms with my own anger and bitter feelings towards her birthmom. Although, I love her for giving birth to the love of my life, I still am angry and bitter towards her for always being the punching bag for her mistakes. I am not stuck in those feelings nor does it consume me. I don't believe in being stuck in negative feelings. But I still struggle with how I feel about the trauma my kids have experienced. It becomes so complicated when adoption becomes part of your life. One person's trauma becomes everyone's trauma after awhile.
When I was a teenager, dreaming of my future...I never dreamed of this complicated future! I certainly never dreamed of how exciting it would be! I also never dreamed what beautiful kids I would have. And my husband! HOLY COW...I never ever in a million years dreamed that God would give me the wonderful, amazing husband that I have. Because without him, I would be naked in a corner, twiddling my thumbs, talking to myself....in a rubber room! Nice visual right?
On that note...I am closing...I have to go. Almost dinner time....Mommy stuff!!! I hope that you all have a great evening! Talk to you soon!
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)